Preacher: Tortured former thug and bi vampire compete for the Girl, search for God, show their butts and His dick

August 26, 2024, 2:03 am

≫ Next: Is There Sex After Death?: A Gideon Gemstone/Scotty Steele story, with some random dicks

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Another of the new paranormal shows on Netflix, with the standard Netflix one-word title: Preacher.  I've heard of this one: a bleak, gritty series about outcasts in an endless desert, some of whom are gods and demons?

Link to the nude dudes

Prologue: A baby in a spaceship zaps through an animated solar system, and lands in Chad, while The Preacher (Irugu Mutu), who wears a clerical collar although he seems to be evangelical,  says "Something's coming."  He  yells about the coming Battle Between Good and Evil.  But they're not afraid, because a Prophet has been foretold.  Then the baby-spaceship zaps into the church and explodes him.  I guess he wasn't the titular Preacher.

Scene 1: A guy covered in scars lies shirtless on the bed, while a little boy promises his daddy, The Preacher (Nathan Darrow, top photo), something that we don't hear, and the background song tells us that "It was the time of the preacher, when the story began. Of the choice of a lady and the love of a man."  Ok, that's horribly heterosexist.  Is the paranormal stuff just going to be an excuse for a hetero-romance?

The tattooed guy  stumbles past the bottles of booze indicating that he's a drunand puts on his clerical collar.  Ok, this is the third preacher in three minutes: Jesse, played by Dominic Cooper.  Could he be the titular Preacher?

He walks through the wilderness outside of  All Saints Congregational Church.  The sign reads "Open your ass and holes to Jesus."  He changes it to "hearts and souls," so apparently it wasn't intentional.  Darn, I thought he was being rackish. 

By the way, this is TEXAS.  

Scene 2: The horrible, dusty, redneck-ridden town of Annville.  Preacher Jesse  is preaching a sermon on Tom Landry -- a sports person of some sort?  Except he's distracted, he can't read his notes, and the congregation is bored.  1000 to 1 he's mourning a dead wife.

Sermon ends, time for a barbecue in the endless desert.  With beer?  What kind of Christians are these?  A little boy, who may be the kid from The Mick, grabs one and heads past the shootin' range to bring one to Jesse.  He complains that his dad, Donnie (Derek Wilson), is abusive, and asks Jesse to "hurt him."  So this Preacher has magical powers?

No, he just has a violent past, but he doesn't crack heads anymore.  How about counseling?

Scene 3:  An Indian is fighting a guy in a prairie dog suit about who should be the new mascot?  

Mayor Miles (Ricky Mabe) gets punched by a girl, so everyone makes fun of him for being a sissy. 

The Redneck Sheriff complains to the drunken Preacher Jesse that the Japanese let a guy marry his own pillow, so civilization has ended.  Hey, that's a homophobic allusion to gay marriage!   Jesse complains about the abusive Donnie, but the Sheriff refuses to investigate.

God's penis and a guy who can do oral and anal at the same time after the break

Scene 4: Meanwhile, 30,000 feet up -- psych!  In an airplane, not in Heaven -- people are smoking, drinking, snorting cocaine.  A guy wearing a name tag "Cassidy" (Joe Gilgun) brags that he's going to take the guys to untold heights of debauchery, a night that lands you in the hospital trying to figure out the Spanish word for "ass hamster."  

He goes to the absurdly huge airplane bathroom, finds a Bible for reading material, and opens it to a page where someone has written "Please him!  Please him!  Reward! Wrath is Love!" 

This gives him an evil idea.  He goes out and tells the guys, "I thought T.J. was south of Vegas, so why are we heading toward the sun?" Not literally -- he means east.   The guys attack.  He spears, flames, vampire-bites, and garrots them all, including the pilot, whom he asks "How did you wankers find me?"  "Go to hell, abomination!"  So, Cassidy is the antagonist.  No wonder he mentioned anal sex.  Gay =evil.

Scene 5:  Preacher Jesse is eating in a diner with a young woman, and two or three kids and listening to trivial complaints from his parishioners. She shows him a brochure for a megachurch with a Starbucks in the lobby, and complains that their numbers are in decline.  

Left: Joe Gilgud's butt.

Mayor Miles, the one who got hit by a girl, stops by to flirt with her, but she rejects him.  Jesse criticizes her: it's been three years since her husband died, time to get a new man.

She gazes at him with Man-of-My-Dreams longing and says "I'm available."  He doesn't get the absurdly obvious hint, or else he's not interested because he's still mourning his Dead Wife.

Scene 6: Jesse visits Walter, an elderly man asleep on his couch.  He's shirtless, which Jesse takes as a sign of cognitive decline.  What's wrong with having your shirt off in your own house, when you're not expecting visitors?   Uh-oh, there's a gun on the counter, which makes Jesse suspicious, even though people have carried and shot guns in every scene so far.  There's also a woman singing in the shower, which makes him even mor suspicious.  He rushes away, and the woman comes out naked to watch him leave.  I have no idea what just happened.

Scene 7: Kansas, not that long ago.  A man in the back seat of the car tries to strangle a woman or femme guy, who crashes into a cornfield.  Ok, it's a woman: she jumps into the back seat and tries to stab him, then bites his ear off, kicks him in the balls, and shoves an ear of corn in his mouth.  Oh, there's a semi-conscious guy in the car, too.

She then changes clothes, giving viewers an eyefull of her boobs, and gets the kids in a random house to help her make a  bazooka, while oddly talking about romantic love: "fight like a lion to keep it alive." And if your love runs away, track him down and eat him alive.  So you advise killing anyone who breaks up with you?  Scary. 

She goes back to the car and explodes the semi-conscious man.

Scene 8: Cassidy the vampire/antagonist is splattered all over the ground, but he lures a cow to eat and regain his corporeal form.  Meanwhile, Jesse interviews the wife of Abusive Donnie.  She is surprisingly forthcoming: "He hurts me all the time.  He beats me, punches me, scalds me with a tea kettle."  But she won't go to the police, because she enjoys it.

Scene 9: A demonic church in Russia.  A woman explains that the Magister was leading them in Night Mass, when he was attacked and splattered all over.

Meanwhile, a woman named Tulip wants Preacher Jesse to do a job.  He insists that he's a preacher now, and doesn't do crime anymore, but she insists: we are who we are.  People don't change.

Scene 10: Next stop: Preacher Jesse visits the redneck sheriff, his catatonic wife, and Eugene, Ian Colletti, who mostly stays in his attic room because his mouth has been turned into an ass. So he can have oral and anal sex at the same time with just one partner.  He explains that he would like to go to church, but God is mad at him because of what he did.  He knows because when he prays, God doesn't answer anymore.

According to the fan wiki, Eugene's face is not a paranormal event, but the result of a suicide attempt.

Scene 11:  Jesse drinking in a bar. On the news, a story about Tom Cruise exploding!  Vampire Cassidy enters and strikes up a conversation.  Then Abusive Donnie and his friends, who want to beat up Preacher Jesse for talking to his wife.  He preaches pacifism for awhile, but eventually he defends himself and pummels them.  

Scene 12: Jesse and for some reason Vampire Cassidy are in jail. They buddy-bond.  And I'm out of space.

Beefcake: None.  Some cute redneck guys.  Mark Harelik plays God in 15 episodes, and Jackie Earle Haley, left, plays someone named Odin Quinncannon.

Heterosexism:  Other than the theme song and every woman in the cast lusting after Preacher Jesse, no.

Gay Characters: According to the fan wiki, the Indian , Chief Red Savage, and the Prairie Dog, Pedro, are secret lovers.  They end up hanging themselves together when they discover that God has left Heaven and gone into hiding.

Cassidy is bisexual, but this is not mentioned until Season 3, and his main relationship is with Jesse's ex-girlfriend.  The three of them team up to look for God.

Will I Continue Watching:  Maybe.  It's a little bleak, and there's too much unexplained backstory that has you scurrying to the fan wiki, but the vampire and the former thug are bound to have a gay subtext while they're both falling in love with the same woman.

See also: Mark Harelik: You've seen his face a hundred times.  Now's your chance to see his penis.

Lucifer, Episode 5.15: Hetero-horny Miles Burris, gay and bi erasure, and random butts

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Is There Sex After Death?: A Gideon Gemstone/Scotty Steele story, with some random dicks

August 22, 2024, 10:14 am

≫ Next: Pain & Glory: An aging director recalls his first crush and first boyfriend, with dicks and a dying mother

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This story takes place after  Righteous Gemstones Episode 1.8, when Scotty Steele is killed. 

Link to the nude photos

April 21, 2019. Easter Sunday.

Light. Intense, golden light, surrounding him. Not bright, like sunlight, just warm, comfortable, loving -- how can light be loving? -- like sitting on your mother's lap when you are a kid. Scotty wonders if he is a kid. Maybe he has gone back to the womb?

No, there are others around him, some that he once knew, and loved or hated, some who are strangers. Except they aren't strangers now -- he sees the most important moments of their lives, and they, in turn, see Scotty's. At random, not in chronological or thematic order:

1. Going out to dinner at the Shem Creek Restaurant in Mount Pleasant -- pizza and beer -- and Scotty calls Gideon "Little Lord Fauntleroy." They smile and joke, and hold hands under the table, and the song on the radio, or in his mind, is "You Knock Me Out.” :

The way you talk when you say what you see

Your smile breaking my words – you knock me out.

The way you shake it, baby, the way you get when you get down -- you knock me out 

The memory of the song, of his smile, fills Scotty with so much joy that he he feels like he will burst. He looks around -- or the equivalent when you don't have a body -- and feels the others sharing his joy.

2. The Old Man, Jesse Gemstone,  takes them all out on his yacht, and in the glittering of the waves, while the kids sit in the wading pool -- a pool on a yacht? -- Jesse offers to become his Daddy, and they hug.  He eases into the hug, actually considering the crazy idea for a moment.  They could just walk away from the scheme to steal the Easter offering from the Salvation Center, $3,000,000, and settle into lives as a good Christian Gemstone and his boyfriend. 

 Then he laughs to himself.  No way will the Old Man ever admit Scotty to the family, knowing that his cock  has been down his son's throat or up his ass...sorry, Mom....the fact that Scotty has been intimate with his son every night. Evangelicals hate gay sex even more than they hate thinking for yourself. The Easter Offering plan is the only way they can walk side by side into the future.

3. Driving from California to South Carolina so they can blackmail his father, the world-famous Jesse Gemstone, with a video of his sex-and-drugs party, get even for a childhood of neglect and abuse, and fund their happily-ever-after life in Thailand. They spend the night in a Motel 6 somewhere in New Mexico. Lucy is snoring.  Scotty opens his eyes and sees that Gideon is propped up in the other bed, playing on his cell phone, his face illuminated, as if he is already in the plane of endless light.  He must be an angel -- nothing in this shithole world -- sorry, Mom -- could be so beautiful.

He knows that he's going to do it, he's known since the moment they met, but still, Scotty is terrified as he climbs out of his own bed and slides in next to him.  Gideon doesn't look surprised -- maybe he has always known, too.  He puts his cell phone away and scoots down so Scotty can hold him in his arms and kiss him.  

Then the world changes.  Scotty has never been kissed before, not like this. Minutes pass, hours, months.  It's more than enough for a lifetime. He doesn't even think about doing something more intimate -- is there anything more intimate? -- but eventually Gideon takes the lead, rolls him over onto his back, and moves down....he moves down...

To give him the best blow job of his life. Well, until the next night.  And the next. With Gideon, his orgasms are so intense that his yells wake half the county, and he has to lie there, panting, exhaused, not sure where he is or who he is, knowing only that they are together.

Cause you and me were meant to be. One heart, one soul, one mind, two of a kind. 

Whoever said that love is blind?  We're partners in crime.

Scotty retreats into himself, embarrassed, but the others draw him back. There's nothing to be embarrassed about now. They've seen the moments of his life, and he's seen theirs.

More after the break

One of the others has taken on form -- not really a corporeal form, more like a recognizable presence: a young woman with 1980s helmet hair and circular glasses, a little girl in pigtails standing on a country road, a middle-aged woman holding baby Gideon on her lap. She is singing, or music is playing:

We've come so very far, just look at where we are -- What once was a dream is now a sweet memory.

I'll see you again with the valley's warm wind, I'll see you some way, but it's toodles today

Scotty knows who she is -- Aimee-Leigh Gemstone, the Gospel singer that his mom liked so much. Eli Gemstone's wife, Jesse's mother, Gideon's grandmother!

More memories emerge, and with them the joy turns to pain.  Scotty never hit Gideon, except for two fights where he got worse than he gave, and the sex was always consensual -- he was forced, by his cousin, by his tenth grade teacher, by a crazy chick in a dive bar, so he always made sure that the cocksucker -- sorry, gay guy -- was into it.  But he was always loving.  He belittled Gideon, called him names, yelled, even threatened.  He thought that the only way he could keep someone with him was by making them feel small and scared.

Creeper got mad and angry eyes – one look from him can paralyze.

Upon his lips the taste of pain, venom kiss of love insane

He got a rod beneath his coat – he gonna ram it right down your throat.

Make you grovel on the floor, spit up and scream and beg for more

Scotty retreats into himself, hating himself for hurting so many people, fearful that Gideon's grandmother has come to judge him. But all he feels from Aimee-Leigh is love.  She nods -- or its equivalent -- and the memory continues.

 On Easter morning, Gideon comes down the elevator alone and says "It's over." He chose the ritzy Gemstone world over the dream of Thailand, the Old Man over the love of his life. The smiles, holding hands under the table, the kissing, the orgasms that burst across the universe -- all ignored.  But Gideon isn't the one who ignored it -- Scotty could have said "It's ok, I don't want the money, all I need is to be by your side."  He didn't.  

After that Scotty sees nothing but red rage.  He retrieves his van, beats up Granddad Eli, forces Gideon and Jesse to open the vault, ties them up. He yells "You made your choice, and you broke my heart!" Then he zooms away from the estate, not sure where he is going, nowhere, anywhere, into the abyss. He doesn't care; his life is over already.

Aimee-Leigh waits patiently for his despair to wash through the others.  Then she asks "Are you ready to go, darlin?  We've got work to do."

Calling him "darlin'," as if she is really his grandmother! Wait -- of course she is.  There are no lies in the endless light. "But how?  He must hate me.  There's no coming back from what I've done to him."

"He's already forgiven you.  But you need to forgive him."

August 18, 2019

They are sitting together in a Sunday morning service at the Gemstone Salvation Center. Crowded -- it's a wonder someone doesn't try to sit in their laps. Down on the stage, Grandad Eli is preaching: "We move through this world, crossing paths with friends, family...and I believe that the goal of all that colliding is to make us appreciate one another, to find empathy.

Scotty looks around, hears about everyone in the congregation -- Keefe, Uncle Kelvin's boyfriend, working security; BJ, Aunt Judy's boyfriend, in the pews; Dot Nancy; Chad and his wife, Martin. "Where's the Old Man...I mean, Daddy Jesse?"

"If you're not rooting for your enemy's salvation, you are not in line with what the Spirit wants," Eli preaches.

Oh. She wants him to forgive Jesse. Of course...why wouldn't he?

"Aimee-Leigh knew this. That's why she wanted to help, no matter what."

Scotty gulps....or the equivalent. Aimee-Leigh has been rooting for him all along, before he had even heard of the Gemstones, trying to help through every moment, forgiving him every time he let the pain take charge. He starts to cry.  

He cries for a long time, and when he stops, he's ready to see Gideon.

July 27, 2024

They are standing behind a fence, looking out over a vast field somewhere on the Compound. The Gemstones, all of them together, are sitting on lawn chairs, watching a monster truck rally. Each of them gets a turn driving.  "Awright!" Scotty exclaims.  "My family really know how to have a good time!"

Gideon is sitting with his brothers and Mama Amber.  Scotty thought he would be overwhelmed by love, but actually he feels anger, at himself and at Gideon. So this is what it feels like to betray the love of your life.  He forces himself to look away, to the end of the row, where Uncle Kelvin and Keefe are sitting on matching rocking chairs, carved with the roots of the tree for Keefe and the branches for Kelvin.

"Are they married yet?" he asks.

"Not yet. You're seeing the joy in each other that they felt every moment since they met in this life."

"Must be nice to know right away."

"They didn't, darlin'. Well, they knew, of course, but it took three years for them to admit it."

Glimpsing into their past, Scotty sees why they couldn't admit it. Keefe had done every kind of sex, used every kind of drug, tried to kill himself a hundred ways, and now he was trapped inside himself, afraid of the world. Loving him would be difficult, dangerous, and Kelvin was broken, hating himself for being gay -- and for having a small dick, although when Scotty flashes back to his first blow job, it looks fine.  Kelvin had never even had a boyfriend before.  How on Earth was he qualified to be Keefe's lover?  So he had to push him away, pretend that they wee just buddies or work associates.  It took a crisis, a death and resurrection, to admit what they both already knew.

October 13, 2019

They are standing in a jungle, looking out over a trench that will soon bring water to the villages in the Foret des Pines in Haiti. Gideon is digging with the others from his missionary group. His shirt is off! Watching the interplay of muscles on his shoulders and back, his biceps, his face, his soul -- Gideon is the hottest guy on the planet, the most beautiful. How could someone like that ever think of Scotty as more than a friend, or a fuck buddy? Sorry, Aimee-Leigh

But she laughs: "Don't worry, I've said a few choice words in my day."

As Scotty  watches, more pain emerges. He relives, again and again, that sickening moment when Gideon descends the elevator alone and says "It's over." How can he ever forgive that?

"Darlin', that's why you got to see Kelvin and Keefe first."

Suddenly Scotty understands. He's Keefe! He had been trying to kill himself since he was ten years old. Drugs, sex, arrests for prostitution and dealing, three years in prison. The same things that attracted Gideon --his strength, his anger, his raw sexual energy -- made loving him dangerous. And Gideon was a shy church boy who rarely dated, had never been with a man before, didn't even realize he was gay.  So he had to push him away, tell himself "I'm not in love with Scotty" over and over to avoid admitting what they both already knew.

So many moments could have been different.  He didn't have to be the Devil.

The anger fades away, replaced by a quiet longing.

"Can I just stay here and look at him forever?"

"No, but you can visit other moments of his life. And you should -- your job is to watch over him, make sure he's on the right path."

"Like a guardian angel, huh?"

"Sort of, except you get to take liberties that guardian angels can't. Now kiss him goodbye, promise that you'll be right back, and then we gotta scoot. You got a lot more forgivin' to do."

"Kiss him? But I don't have a mouth..." But Scotty moves down and envelops Gideon with love until he stops digging and stands still, looking perplexed. Then he moves in for the kiss. Gideon smiles.

I'll see you again with the valley's warm wind, I'll see you some way, but it's toodles today

October 23, 2045

You'd expect to find boredom in watching someone read, but Scotty enjoys loving Gideon when he is doing ordinary things, when there is no crisis, no diverging pathway, nothing to distract him from the joy of the everyday.  Tonight he is sitting on the couch in his living room while his husband cooks dinner and their son is doing something loud in the game room.  

Scotty peeks at the title. Kierkegaard -- no surprise there.  Gideon wrote his doctoral dissertation on Kierkegaard on Faith and Despair.  But when he reads the line: "forgiveness is not simply a spontaneous act, but rather an event that consists of hard spiritual work on the part of the one who loves," he pulls out his ipad and writes: "Every day I work to forgive Scotty, and to forgive myself, for the moments lost to pettiness and fear."

"Great sentence!" Scotty exclaims.  "It sounds like the first line of a book."

December 28, 2083.

Dr. Gideon Gemstone, professor emeritus of homilectics at Charleston Baptist Seminary, retired senior pastor at the Gemstone Salvation Center, author of seven books (The Hard Work of Forgiveness is about his romance with Scotty), sits at his desk. He has put aside an article on koinonia to chat with his grandson, a high school chemistry teacher visiting for the holidays.

"Is he almost ready?" Scotty asks.

"Almost," Uncle Kelvin says.

Keefe is with him of course, and there are others: Aimee-Leigh, Granddad Eli, Jesse and Amber, Gideon's husband, his mother-in-law, his best friend from seminary....

"I can't imagine how you must feel, waiting for so long. I only had to wait for Keefe for six months -- he practically followed me to the cemetery."

"It's been an eternity." Scotty admits. "But also just a few minutes. I've been with him through all the moments of his life."

"Our weding night?" Gideon's husband asks, pretending to be embarrassed.  But of course there's no embarrassment here.  Scotty has shared the joy of that night many times.

"Come on, darlin'," Aimee-Leigh tells him. "Let's give the boys some privacy."  

The others move away.  Scotty watches, loving Gideon, as he sits at his desk, chatting.  Then suddenly he gasps, and his physical form slumps forward. His grandson rushes to him, calls for someone else in the house...and Gideon is with him in the endless light, an old man, a little boy, and hottest guy Scotty has ever seen, with a smile that can light up a room. Now it is lighting up the whole universe.

"I was married for 28 years," he says. "But I was hoping that it would be you."

"He's here, and many others.  But this moment is just for us."

Gideon nods, or its equivalent. "Can we kiss here?"

"Darlin', we can do everything here."

February 18, 2019 

A run-down hotel somewhere in New Mexico.  Lucy is snoring beside him, and Gideon is propped up in bed, playing with his cell phone.  He knows that he's going to do it, he's known since the moment they met, but still, Scotty is terrified as he climbs out of his own bed.  Gideon doesn't look surprised -- maybe he's always known, too.  He puts his cell phone away and scoots down so Scotty can hold him in his arms and kiss him.

See also: Gideon moves out of the friend zone: A Gideon/Keefe story

Gemstone Season 1 Finale: Judy and Kelvin begin to heal, Scotty joins the family, and we say goodbye with some random dicks

Kelvin sees a ghost: A Kelvin/Keefe romance

Pain & Glory: An aging director recalls his first crush and first boyfriend, with dicks and a dying mother

August 27, 2024, 2:44 am

≫ Next: Eight simple rules for determining if Martin Spanjers is gay

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Link to the dicks

For forty years, Pedro Almodóvar has been giving us raucous, irreverent, sometimes funny glimpses into the sexual and social freedom of post-Franco Spain: Bad Education; Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!; A Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown; What Have I Done to Deserve This? He's not exactly a proponent of essentialist gay identity: his gay men are usually there to have affairs with the female focus character, when she's not busy seducing her stepson.  Or maybe she'll seduce her stepson and his boyfriend, or join her sister in having the affair with the gay man.  There will be male nudity, urination, pop culture references, and kitsch. And these aren't comedies. 

Pedro went through similar machinations in his private life, being closeted, then stating that he was bisexual, and finally coming out as gay.  He's been with his partner, Fernando Iglesias, since 2002.

Dolor y gloria, Pain and Glory, is the 74-year old director's swan song, a summary and perhaps a justification of his work, touching on all of his major themes:  "sentimientos, costumbrismo, reencuentros, homosexualidad, sensibilidad, pasión, familia, drogas… "

Almodóvar stand-in Salvador, played by regular star Antonio Banderas, is an aging director, in physical and mental decline.  His chronic pain has kept him from new projects for several years.

Left: A misty memory of Banderas, fully nude in his first film appearance in 1982.

Asked to speak at the restoration of one of his old films, Flavor, he decides to look up the star, Alberto (Asier Etxeandia, left), whom he hasn't seen since the filming.  They had a falling out over Alberto's use of heroin on the set.

While reconciling, and trying heroin himself to ease his chronic pain, he tells the story of his first boyfriend.  

His First Boyfriend:  Director Salvador was in a relationship with Federico, played by Leonardo Sbaraglia, in the 1980s, but ended it due to his heroin use.  

Federico turned out to be one of Almodovar's temporary gay men: he left the "lifestyle" behind, moved to Argentina, married a woman, and had children.

Flavor star Alberto turns this story into a play that draws the attention of the real life Federico.  He returns to Madrid and wants to start the relationship again, but Director Salvador wants to keep the past in the past. 

More after the break

Teaching the Boy to Read:  When he was a little boy, Director Salvador got a job teaching the painter Eduardo, Cesar Vicente, to read and write.  One day he stumbled upon Eduardo naked and fainted.  Eduardo and his mother attributed this to heat exhaustion, but actually he was overcome by homoerotic desire, recognizing for the first time that he was gay. 

His mother pushed him into the seminary, although he didn't want to become a priest, and he never saw Eduardo again.

There's also a lot of stuff about his dying mother in the story.

When Director Salvador tells the story to his assistant, Mercedes, she takes him to an art gallery, where he recognizes a painting that Eduardo started that day many years ago.  His mother kept it a secret until her death.

On the back of the painting, there's a note from Eduardo, thanking Director Salvador for his help and giving his contact information, in case he wants to get together.  But Director Salvador wants the past to stay in the past.

He does get help for his pain and other ailments, and starts writing again.

Maybe it's Strange Way of Life, which is about letting the past stay in the past.

See also: Alberto Ferreira: Not the gay guy in The Other Side or Bad Education, but he has a big dick

The Seminarian: Gay Evangelical with an enormous penis looks for love, feels guilty

Eight simple rules for determining if Martin Spanjers is gay

August 28, 2024, 2:32 am

≫ Next: Walker Satterwhite: Sorry, no movie or tv reviews, just beefcake photos and a Ryan Cooper cock

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Link to the nude photos

Rule 1: Does his character gawk at guys in the shower?

This is a still from Epiosde 3.1 of the  TGIF sitcom Eight Simple Rules (2002-2005).  It was originally Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, about an overprotective Dad played by John Ritter, but when Ritter died, it became a general family-angst dramedy.  I never watched, but in 2004 you could hardly turn on your computer without seeing Martin Spanjers as the teenage Rory gawking at Sam Horrigan.  

Only Seasons 1-2 are available to stream on Disney Plus, so I don't know what's going on in the scene, except that Rory doesn't want to shower after gym class due to his less than adequate package.  Maybe Sam Horrigan is a high school jock?  

2. Does he play a gay-vague teenager?

Fan consensus is that Rory is one of those gay-vague sitcome kids, soft, shy, pretty, and struggling valiantly to act girl-crazy because on American sitcoms, all teenage boys must be girl-crazy.

3. Does he show his butt on screen?

The next time I saw Martin Spanjers, he was still naked, playing the teenage shapeshifter Sam Merlotte in a 2009 episode of True Blood, about vampires, werewolves, and various other magical beings in rural Louisiana.  When you shift back to human form, you lose your clothes, so he's naked when he breaks into a house looking for food or something to steal.

4. Does he have a gay-subtext role?

The house happens to belong to a maenid (minor goddess) named Maryanne, who naturally wants to have sex with him.  He steals $10,000 on his way out, which causes the adult Sam Merlotte a lot of headaches.  

Although the encounter is heterosexual, we can still see in Sam's story a reflection of gay teens often thrown out by homophobic parents.  About 40% of homeless youth are LGBT.

5. Does he avoid roles involving hetero-romance?

After Eight Simple Rules, Martin did the usual guest star bit, appearing on as a barista 90210, a chicken restaurant employee on Good Luck Charlie, a kid accused of killing cows on Saving Grace, a rich boy who the Griffins eat on Family Guy,  Well, he had already frozen to death while trying to climb Mount Everest.

He had minor roles in Just Peck, about teen angst, and Little Fish, Strange Pond, about existential angst.

More after the break

6. Does he play any gay characters?

In Sassy Pants  (2012), a teenage girl runs away from her oppressive mother to live with her deadbeat Dad, and bonds with her Dad's much younger boyfriend (Haley Joe Osment).  Martin plays her younger brother Shayne, who is also gay, has an unrequited crush on a footballer, and finally finds his niche among the Goth/Emo kids.

Recently Martin has been producing and appearing in a lot of short independent films: They Grow Up So Fast, Gifted, Just a Ghoul, Life in a Bag, The Fall of Casey Jones. I don't know if any have gay content.

7. Does he kiss a dude?

And I don't know where this photo came from: It just popped up when I googled "Martin Spanjers" and "gay."  So he must have had at least one gay role since Sassy Pants

8. Does he show his dick?

This profile is a litle lacking in penises, so I posted a random twink on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Results: Martin is definitely....

Wait, on his instagram he talks about his wife, Katie.

Definitely straight.  Or maybe bi.

See also:

True Blood: Vampires come out of the closet  in rural Louisiana, with some vamp dicks

Nathan Kress, Freddie from ICarly, grown up. Is he still homophobic?  Is he still shy about showing his dick?

Phil of the Future: Former Disney Channel teen Raviv Ullman on the Torah, wearing dresses, and his penis

Walker Satterwhite: Sorry, no movie or tv reviews, just beefcake photos and a Ryan Cooper cock

August 28, 2024, 10:46 am

≫ Next: Zev A.: Tony Cavalero's gym boyfriend...I mean gym bud, Phuket diver, ball player, grandson of a Hollywood legend

≪ Previous: Eight simple rules for determining if Martin Spanjers is gay

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Usually I review the movie or tv show, then look for beefcake photos of the cast.  But in this case I couldn't find the tv show.  It was Day 5, about an epidemic that kills you when you fall asleep.  So, apparently, people try to find ways to stay awake. 

Link to nude photos

Here focus characters Jake, a meth head turned hero (Jesse C. Boyd) and a kid from the neighborhood (Walker Satterwhite) jump into a swimming pool.

They also watch a porno starring the butt of Aaron Marcus

Pilot Aiden (Ryan Cooper) searches for the Sandman's Oasis, where sleep is possible,

Problem: I couldn't find the series. A google search for Day 5 led to Day 6, about the World Athletic Championships, or 6 Days, about a terrorist plot.  I had to search for "Day 5" and "Jesse C. Boyd" to determine that the series appeared on the Rooster Teeth website. Look, I already subscribe to Netflix, Vudu, Hulu, Disney Plus, MAX, and Amazon Prime,  That's enough

Another problem: Since 2016, neighborhood kid Ian Satterwhite has grown up.  He is now over 18, a high school graduate, buffed, and apparently gay.  At least, his Instagram shows him getting chummy with another guy -- a lot. 

I only post beefcake photos if they are connected to a movie or tv review (with an exception for Gemstone alums), so I checked Walker's projects on IMDB.

208 episodes of Junk Drawer Magic, where Walker and his buds show you "crazy tricks using things only from your junk drawer,"  Nope.

Wonderama, "the best in music, dance, DIY, and games for the entire family." Nope.

Schneck and Eck Crack the Case? The No Life Guys? OMG?  Ty the Pie Guy?

That's about it.  I guess I won't be able to post beefcake photos of Walker Satterwhite.  Sorry.

Just kidding.  There are more beefcake photos, plus some nudes, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

And beefcake photo collections:

Robert Oberst: Two Halloweens, five bulges, and the love of his life: 

Adam Devine: forehead presses, bulging drawers, and Kermit the Frog

Tony Cavalero: Fourth of July bulge, baby bulge, cock Keefe, donut Keefe

Skyler Gisondo: birthday cat, biceps, infinity shirt, and Liberace

Gavin Munn: Gavin with his dog, his boat, Skyler Gisondo, Robert Oberst, and his Dad.

Kelton Dumont: James Dean, Orson Wells, and Bam-Bam Rubble

Zev A.: Tony Cavalero's gym boyfriend...I mean gym bud, Phuket diver, ball player, grandson of a Hollywood legend

August 29, 2024, 3:29 am

≫ Next: Nhut Le: Gay activist, model, potter, superhero. With a Thai dick bonus

≪ Previous: Walker Satterwhite: Sorry, no movie or tv reviews, just beefcake photos and a Ryan Cooper cock

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Link to the nude dudes

Tony announces that he has recruited a new God Squad member.  He probably means a gym buddy/boyfriend. 

He's Zev, an  EMT, diver, baseball player, and bodybuilder.   I wonder if he can attest to the veracity of that "Cowboys Do It Better" cap.

Zev is a civilian, with no acting credits.  But his grandfather was Charles Aidikoff (1915-2016). not pictured, who ran a famous screening room on Rodeo Drive  in Beverly Hills.  Movie stars, producers, and critics came to the 57-seat auditorium to see early versions and works in progress. eat the candy that he provided -- Mars Bars and Red Vines -- and exchange Hollywood gossip.

 

Charlie saw over 50,000 films between 1966 amd 2000, when his grandson Josh took over the screening room. It closed with his death in 2016.

His Facebook memorial page contains photos of him with Betty White, Raquel Welch, Peter Fonda, Danny DeVito, Mel Brooks, Ryan Gosling, Wes Bentley, Ice Cube, King Charles...well, everybody.

But let's get back to Bodybuilder Zev, who grew up in Phuket, the gay capital of Thailand, and now lives in Los Angeles.  Some highlights of his social media pages:

Zev: "The posing room goes hard."  I can see why, buddy.

 "Fitness motivation."  Yours, or ours?

More Zev after the break

When I googled Zev's name and "gay"

The Phucket Pumps gym

Zev: "Remember to stay up, people."  Don't worry, that won't be a problem.

Zev's Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok pages contain almost nothing but posing pics.  One of his girlfriend, one of his dad, a few male buds.  Here's ball player Zev for a change of pace.

An amateur j/o video with potential.  He did the blurring, I didn't.

Gym bud

See also:

Searching for Brandon Johnson through actors, fitness instructors, elves, twins, various naked guys.  He does Tiktok videos on gay Hollywood

Michael O'Hearn: Barbarian, superhero, backside annihilator.  Another of Tony's gym bud boyfriends

Nhut Le: Gay activist, model, potter, superhero. With a Thai dick bonus

August 29, 2024, 2:41 pm

≫ Next: "Run the Burbs": A queer daughter, a gay jerk, and the guy from "Kim's Convenience" naked

≪ Previous: Zev A.: Tony Cavalero's gym boyfriend...I mean gym bud, Phuket diver, ball player, grandson of a Hollywood legend

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Link to Thai dick bonus

1. Vietnamese-American actor Nhut Le (pronounced "Nuh Lee") studied drama at the University of the Arts and honed his comedic skills in the Groundling.  

2, He has 15 credits on the IMDB, including several gay roles, such as Gay #2 on Los Feliz 90027.   

3. He wrote, produced, and starred in Gey Gardens (2018), a gay parody of the tv soap Gray Gardens

4. He played the Judomaster in 4 episodes of the Superhero comedy Peacemaker.  Judomaster is a mean-tempered, spiteful supervillain who is trounced by John Cena's Peacemaker.  

5. Nhu is also a writer, a gamer, and a potter.  

6. The bestsellers on 3CirclePotter, on Etsy, are a sweetheart mug and a ghost face mug.

7. He came to the 2017 San Diego Comics Con as Iceman.

8. Nhut is deeply involved in gay and Asian activism. In 2022, he presented on Diversity in Comics, TV, Film, and Games at Wondercon.

9. He is gay in real life, and currently single. 

10.  He has never been naked on screen, that I know of.  But there are lots of other naked Asian guys out there.

See also:

Zev A: Tony's gym boyfriend, Phuket diver, ball player, bodybuilder, grandson of a Hollywood legend.  With Phuket penises

Pretty Dudes: Gay Asian erasure, Spiderman, a car hookup, and hamburger sex.

"Run the Burbs": They're run by the Pham family, with a queer daughter, a gay jerk, and phine Phung penis.

"Run the Burbs": A queer daughter, a gay jerk, and the guy from "Kim's Convenience" naked

August 30, 2024, 1:22 am

≫ Next: Van Helsing: A single mom, a military guy, and some vampires face a zombie apocalypse

≪ Previous: Nhut Le: Gay activist, model, potter, superhero. With a Thai dick bonus

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If you like chubby guys -- and who doesn't?  -- the Canadian sitcom Run the Burbs  provides more in 20 minutes than most tv series give you in three seasons.  Andrew Phung, best known as the comic-relief Kimchi on Kim's Convenience, plays Andrew Pham, a stay-at-home Dad with a wife who longs to leave her soul-destroying corporate job; a teenage daughter who crushes on girls; and a preteen son who, going against sitcom protocol, doesn't crush on girls.  That's a lot of representation, but I'm holding out for a gay male character.  Bob, played by "openly gay" Gavin Crawford, becomes a regular in Season 2, so I'm reviewing Episode 2.1, "In Phocus" Each episode title in Season 2 has a ph-  replacing an f: "Phamily Ties,""Phresh Start,""Phlash Back."

Scene 1: At some kind of community festival, two women walk past holding hands. Then we see Andrew, wife Camille, and preteen son Leo face-timing their daughter, who is in Paris.  Maybe written out of the show?

When they stop for ice cream, Camille has trouble deciding, and the racist behind her in line sneers that there's no chicken-butter flavor, "so pick a normal flavor or go back to your country."  Dude, look around you.  Almost everybody in that park is Black, Middle Eastern, or Asian, including the ice cream vendor!  You think you're going to get any Rocky Road that way?   

Camille lays him out with unheard profanity that has everyone covering their ears, then applauding.  Andrew brags that she is the "sexiest woman in the world." Well, that was a superheroic response to a microaggression.

Scene 2: Andrew is getting dressed to apply for a job as Rockridge's new Community Development Coordinator.  Meanwhile, Camille is starting a focus group for her new business, Cam Pham Eats, and preteen son Leo hangs out in his sister's bedroom because she's in Paris and can't stop him.  He gets a face-time from his buddy, who invites him to a dead skunk viewing.  

Scene 3: At City Hall, Andrew is told to kiss up to Robin, since she'll be deciding who is going to replace Bob, the retiring Community Development Coordinator.  He'll have a say, too.  "Got it -- make Robin and Bob fall in love with me." Bisexual joke.

Into the interview, with Bad Cop Robin "I hate everything about you!" and Good Cop Bob "You're perfect!" He offers to take them on a walking tour of the improvements he's planning.  Robin: "Absolutely not!" Bob: "I'm in!"

Scene 4: First stop: those little libraries where people get rid of their books. The problem is, they're full of erotics, so Andrew proposes adding an adult section. Robin: "That's a stupid idea!" Bob: "What a wonderful idea!"

Meanwhile, at home, Camille and her assistant have invited her friend who runs the Bubble Bae hangout, her neighbor Hudson (Jonathan Langdon, left) , and her Dad Ramesh, to a tasting session for her new catering business. Shouldn't you have strangers in a focus group?  

They don't like the logo: "Campham," one word, looks like "Camp Ham," and Dad is a conservative Muslim!  But they love the food.

Camille invites her preteen son Leo to be in the focus group, but he's busy: "Going to poke the skunk."  "Um...I don't think you're ready for that." She thinks he means sex, har har

Scene 5: The interview over, Good Cop Bob invites Adam to his office. We see a closeup of a framed photograph: he explains that they are his husband and two kids -- Tina and Turner, har har. After assuring him that "Bad Cop Robin loved you!" and "I like you!", he drops a bombshell: "You're not getting the job."

Say what?  

"I was so inspired by all of your creative ideas that I want to stay on and do more for the community."  People often fail to get the job because they're too good -- "He's a superstar -- he'll make me look bad."

"But don't you want to spend more time with your family?"

"No, I hate them.  The twins are into crypto, and Vance forces me to watch RuPaul's Drag Race.  Aren't families the worst?"  Uh-oh, Family Man Andrew roils.

More after the break

Scene 6:  Andrew complains to administrative assistant Barb. "Grr...he never planned to retire at all.  He's just working the system, like he always does to avoid doing any work. We can fix this." 

Meanwhile, the focus group is still criticizing Camille's logo: "It should be more regal.  Can we use comic sans?  Put in a pakura."  When they leave, she is demolished.  

Back to administrative assistant Barb dishing with Andrew. The City needs Bob to retire: he never does any work and doesn't care about the community. She suggests that, since Andrew inspired him, he could un-inspire him!  

Scene 7: As Bob adjusts his bonsai tree, Andrew bursts in to thank him for saving him from "This Azkaban place, sucking out everyone's soul."  But Bob sees through the un-inspiring attempt. "Why would I retire when I can sit here for the next ten years, getting paid for doing nothing?"  

Andrew pleads: he needs this job to support his family.  Not a good argument for the family-hating Bob, dude.

Scene 8: That night, Andrew, Camille, and the preteen son Leo are in bed together, discussing how their days sucked. The kid just hangs out in his parents' bed?  That's creepy!  Camille asks about the skunk-poking.  He couldn't go through with it.  Still thinking that he means sex, they say that he can talk to them about anything.

After Leo goes to his own room to masturbate, Andrew points out that Phams never give up.  Tomorrow the son will try to "poke the skunk" again, Camille will work on her logo, and Andrew will find a way to handle Bob.

Scene 9: Andrew visits Bob at home, while he is working on his plants and refusing to help his husband with the dishes.  "My plans will improve the community more in a year than you did in 15 years!" he announces.

"Don't care. Robin is clueless, Barb is a loser, and you are not worth my time." Uh-oh, Andrew is recording him!  Now he'll have to retire or be fired!  

Nope, Robin doesn't care: "What Bob calls me at home is none of my business." And Andrew has no experience, so he won't be getting the job regardless.  Aww.

Meanwhile, Camille's friend tells her that the problems with the logo aren't really what's bothering her.  It's everything about the new job, and the threat of having to return to corporate.  "If I hear 'synergy' one more time..."  As an academic, I can relate. Four or five committee meetings per week, with an hour spent on "What is the goal of this committee?"  But the focus group loved your food.  Isn't your business about the food, not the logo?"  Camille is newly inspired.

Scene 10:  In bed, the two discussing how wonderful Camille's new business will be. But they only have savings for six months, so she'd better get busy. Geez, start the business on the side while working corporate, and if it takes off, you can quit.

Scene 11: Leo announces that he managed to poke the skunk.  Andrew and Camille discover that it was a real skunk!  He reeks!  The end.

Beefcake: Andrew takes his shirt off.

Other Sights: Generic suburb

Canada:  Like most Canadian sitcoms, they carefully avoid naming their country.  No Canadian flag outside City Hall; no one mentions Toronto; no maple leaves anywhere.

Heterosexism: No kissing.  Andrew and Camille hide under the covers to have sex. But at least when they think their son is having sex, they don't automatically assume that it's with a girl.

Gay Character: Bob becomes Andrew's foil when he wants to get something done, like a speed bump installed. I like that he's elderly, not a Cute Young Thing, and a jerk amid gay characters who are either over-the-top villains or impossibly noble.  Bot only six episodes, and the husband is not mentioned again?

My Grade: B

 Bonus: Phung penis

You got to admit, Phung is ph-hung.  Proof on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

See also:  The Naked Thugs.  Danny McBride thinks you won't like these dicks

Schitt's Creek: Quirky small town where no one will admit that they're in Canada

Zev A: Tony's gym boyfriend, Phuket diver, ball player, bodybuilder, grandson of a Hollywood legend. Plus Phuket penises

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Van Helsing: A single mom, a military guy, and some vampires face a zombie apocalypse

August 30, 2024, 3:40 am

≫ Next: Daniel Cudmore: Colossus, Felix, fitness model, and the God of War. Plus his colossal Colossus cock.

≪ Previous: "Run the Burbs": A queer daughter, a gay jerk, and the guy from "Kim's Convenience" naked

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Link to the nude photos

#5 in the new crop of paranormal tv shows on Netflix: Van Helsing.  You may recall that Van Helsing is the vampire hunter gunning for Dracula in many renditions of the myth.  Here a female Van faces a vampire apocalypse, where the fanged have taken over the world in wake of a supervolcano eruption.  Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me, either, so I'm starting with Episode 2, where we see the start of the apocalypse.

Scene 1: Seattle, 2016.  Men in suits crossing streets at high-speed, reminiscent of Koyaaniqatsi, "life out of balance."  Van getting blood drawn; the phlebotomist, Aidan Kahn, flirts with her, then asks her out.  She rejects him. You could do worse, girl.  Out in the waiting room, her preteen daughter is watching the news: a volcano has erupted in Wyoming. 

Uh-oh, turns out that Van is not giving blood, she's so desperate for money that she's selling it.

The phlebotomist brings the bags of Van Blood to the store room.  A vampire has broken in, and is emitting "feral growls."  But it doesn't attack him.  No fair!  A vampire story has to have somebody bitten on the neck!

Scene 2: The vampire sits in a car parked under the freeway, sniffing and slurping its blood bags. It pants, roars, and explodes!  So Van Helsing blood makes vampires explode?

Scene 3: A vampire Bigwig, Dmitri -- Paul Johansson -- tells his group that they have survived only because of the shadows.  But: "The mystery of existence is not only in staying alive, but in finding something to live for."  Wait, the last vampire was feral, like a zombie.  

Turns out that the exploding was a misdirection -- the feral vampire just threw up.  And the feral part was a misdirection, too.  He's perfectly civilized, just an addict.  He arrives with a metal suitcase, which contains "Everything you asked for," presumably blood, and complains that he's not feeling well.  They taste his blood: he's turning human!  

This has never happened before, but it is terrible news, a threat to all vampires, and must be stopped before it's too late.  Without apocalyptic urgency, be lousy story.

Dmitri comes close and hugs the courier with homoerotic tenderness, singing about how he is "my love, my family," but he's actually planning to eat him.  The vampire Balthezar is assigned to find the source of the tainted blood.

Scene 5: In a coffee shop, single Mom Van assures her daughter that the volcano is nothing to worry about, because it's "100 miles away in Wyoming."  Look at a map, writers -- more like 1,000.  Besides, they have a birthday party to get home for. Then why stop for coffee?

They point out the black ash falling outside the window

Scene 6: Back to their horrible, run-down apartment.  Next door neighbor Tommy is just leaving after beating up his girlfriend, who asks Vanessa to not say anything. But she decides to pummel him anyway.  Girl, with those pummelling skills, you could get a job as a bodyguard or bouncer easily.

Inside the apartment, they have what I guess is a touching mother-daughter romp. Deadbeat Dad Gary face-times them.  He's played by Kirby Morrow, who died in 2020 after a long struggle with alcohol addiction and mental illness.

Deadbeat Dad cancels Daughter's trip to visit him in Denver.  She notices a pink purse behind him, but doesn't conclude that he's secretly a drag queen.   Mom concludes that he's ditching his daughter for "a hookup with some random skank." While they are fighting, Daughter grabs her teddy bear and hides in the closet. 

The girlfriend from next door wants to hookup, but Van says it's Daughter's birthday, so no thanks.  Is there a point to any of this?

Daughter is still hiding in the closet.  Carrying the birthday cake, Van snoops around, looking for her The scene is choreographed like a psycho-slasher movie. 

Is Van going to turn vamp and kill her daughter?  No, Balthazar the Vampire has discovered that she has the tainted blood, and has come to kill her.  Their fight takes about five minutes of screen time.  I'm fast-forwarding.

Wait --Van is killed.  But I thought she was the star of the show?  

More after the break

Scene 7: Van's body in the hospital morgue. She was a crime victim, so she should be at the coroner's office for an autopsy, but it's already swamped.  People are acting crazy and killing each other. 

Doc tells the Intern, Donald Heng, that the body isn't cooling, no rigor mortis...and her stab wounds are gone. But she's dead....

Doc calls her sister, a Very Important Person, for advice, and hears that the Pentagon has issued a secret warning, but "it's nothing to worry about."  Yeah, right.

Scene 8:  On the TV in the hospital cafeteria, they are advising everyone to move farther away from the volcano, as a new super-volcano caldera is opening up. The military arrives to take Van's corpse into custody.  So they're swamped with bodies that don't die, but they can afford to send eight soldiers to pick up one?

They are interrupted by dark clouds swirling through town, and a wind so strong that it breaks the windows.   And the lights go out.

Scene 9: As they rush down the hall, soldier Axel tells the Doctor that the supervolcano erupted, causing earthquakes, nuclear power plant meltdowns, and communication outages.   Suddenly everyone out on the street starts screaming or growling, as some turn into zombies and attack the others.  Some of the bodies in the morgue rise up and attack, too.

The orders are to protect Van's body until it's safe to transport, so everyone has to stay.

Plot alert: Axel, played by Jonathan Scarfe, left, will become a main character, and fall in love with the Doctor before she is zombified.

Scene 10: Three years later, Vanessa is still on the examination table, dead but not dead, and the doctor and the military people are still there, playing chess and looking bored.  How have they been eating?  They discuss throwing the Doctor a birthday party.  Then they discuss trying to reach their base, but it's 40 miles away through zombie-infested territory.  So, they do it on The Walking Dead all the time.

They head out any, turn zombified, attack each other -- and the Doctor is bit and gets zombified inside the hospital!

Meanwhile, in another part of the hospital, the vampires are conducting experiments.  Wait -- how are they eating?  Surely the blood bank is empty by now, and they aren't feeding on the humans.

that involve cutting up a human boy, disembowling him, listening to his screams, and wondering why he's still alive.  They suggest experimenting on Sleeping Beauty Van. The end.

Beefcake: None. One of the guys in the top photo is Chad Riley, who plays Vampire Bob.

Heterosexism: Van rejects all potential suitors in this episode, but I assume that she and Axel will fall in love.

Gay characters: A viewer on Reddit complained that Van Helsing becomes "a rainbow shit show," where 100% of the characters are gay and straight guys have to be endure constant gay sex scenes, but I'm sure he was exaggerationg.  The Van Helsing fan page lists six lesbians and two gay men: the human Sam, played by Christopher Heyerdahl, who has an "unhealthy obsession" with Mohammed, and the vampire Hansen, played by Neal McDonough. 

Vampire Apocalypse:  The vampires have not taken over the world; they're in hiding just as much as the humans.  This is a standard zombie apocalypse.

Will I Keep Watching: Doubtful. I've seen a lot of zombie apocalypse tv shows.  

Besides, the episode guide uses the dumb phrase "in the clutches of" too much.

See also: 

David Boreanaz and Friends: A tortured vampire, a fundamentalist FBI agent...and a j/o video.

The Dead Don't Die: By-the-numbers zombie apocalypse, with some gay subtexts

Daniel Cudmore: Colossus, Felix, fitness model, and the God of War. Plus his colossal Colossus cock.

August 30, 2024, 2:47 pm

≫ Next: "I Heart Arlo": Gay Alligator Boy in the Big City?

≪ Previous: Van Helsing: A single mom, a military guy, and some vampires face a zombie apocalypse

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Link to the colossal Colossus cock

Canadian actor Dan Cudmore has 51 credits on the IMDB, including Peter Rasputin, aka Colossus, in the X-Men franchise, Felix in the Twilight franchise, Jackhammer in Arrow, Gridlock in The Flash, and Behemoth Thing in Superman & Lois.

He specializes in superheroes and supervillains like Colossus, but he's done other projects.  I first saw him in Magicians, as the God of War.  Apprised that a gay-stereotype god called the Nameless is looking for something the other gods stole from him, he responds "I don't know what it is, but you have my permission to search my ball sack with your tongue."  Sure, that sounds like fun, I'd be happy to...oh, you're being homophobic.

I know he's just playing a character, but still, his homophobic quip left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak.

His other projects include comedies like Fresh Off the Boat, romcoms like All of My Heart (as the romantic lead's friend who devotes his life to getting him laid, and horror like Rites of Passage, which appears to have a gay subtext -- not his. 

Also 14 stunt credits including Psych, The Predator, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

And a stunt cock at least once.

Some fitness modeling from early in his career

More Daniel after the break

I'm not sure about this photo.  It would have to be early in Daniel's career, and this guy looks too old. But you never know.

Searching for "Daniel Cudmore" and "gay" yields the usual: "He's gay!  My cousin knows a guy who had sex with him."

And "He's 100% gay, like Felix on Twilight!"

The biography of Felix on the fan wiki doesn't mention him being 100% gay.

Dan's instagram is full of pictures of his wife and kids.  His post on "Diversity in Stunting" does not mention LGBT people. 

And he posts on "Adulting," meaning movie night with the wife and kids, asserting that gay men and lesbians can never grow up.  So I'm going to say straight in real life, and not necessarily an ally.

 

At least we have his colossal cock.

See also: Danny Griffiths, star of the Winx Saga

Marcus Hodson: Shape-shifting demon or hyper-masculine Midlands model?

"I Heart Arlo": Gay Alligator Boy in the Big City?

August 31, 2024, 1:35 am

≫ Next: Arabic and Class Rings: Cruising at West Point during my junior year of high school

≪ Previous: Daniel Cudmore: Colossus, Felix, fitness model, and the God of War. Plus his colossal Colossus cock.

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Arlo is a 15-year old alligator-boy who grew up in the swamps of Louisiana, but now lives in Seaside, New York.  He has a Southern accent that keeps slipping away, a penchant for bursting into song, the innocent joie-de-vivre of Spongebob Squarepants, and the friend-making obsession of Casper the Friendly Ghost.  Most of the episodes in I Heart Arlo (2021) involve Arlo trying to help a friend who is facing a crisis:

From left to right:

1. Alia, an irresponsbile tiger-girl, struggles to hold down a job.

2. Marcellus, a grumpy fish-man, tries to profit financially from other people's problems.

3. Tony, an Italian rat, doesn't want his parents to find out that he runs a pizza place instead of being a gangster.

4. Furnecia, a drag queen furball, is so stressed from working overtime at her hair salon that she begins losing her hair.

5. The giantess Bertie (not shown) wants "a room of her own," but every refuge she finds soon gets overrun by her friends.

Arlo also has problems of his own: he sheds his scales, causing his friends to think he is a ghost; he gets sick with "swamp itch"; he tries to relate to his estranged father, a wealthy bird-man (Vincent Rodriguez III of My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend).

Vincent Rodriguez III is gay, of course.  So are Michael Woodard (Arlo), Mary Lambert (Bertie), Jonathan Van Ness (Furlecia), and Ryan Crego (the executive producer).  

Their Seaside community is built on friendship and acceptance of nonconformity, gender and otherwise.  When Dad finds Arlo wearing a dress, his only concern is that he will need a new pet name.  How about "Pumpkin"?

In the episodes I watched, no one expressed any heterosexual interest.  Or any same-sex interest, for that matter.  Romance does not appear to exist in this world.

Some reviews have suggested that, in addition to the general acceptance of difference, Arlo is gay, and his earlier movie (Arlo the Alligator Boy) a coming-out story.  What about his lack of expressed same-sex interest?  They explain that he is a kid, too young to have sex.

I've heard that one before: boys can gaze in awe at the girl next door a decade or more before they hit puberty, but you can't be gay unless you are sexually active. It's nonsense.  Gay boys have crushes in kindergarten.   For a fictional character to be identified as gay, they have to say or do something that indicates an experience of same sex desire.  Arlo doesn't.

However, lots of kids are nonbinary, transgender, asexual, aromantic, or simply gender-noncomforming.  They can respond message of radical inclusion rather than alienation and rejection, regardless of whether Arlo actually dates anyone.

Arabic and Class Rings: Cruising at West Point during my junior year of high school

August 31, 2024, 2:38 am

≫ Next: Gemstone Season 1 Memes: Kelvin bottoms, Gideon falls in love, and Keefe checks for semen loads

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Link to the nude photos

It's the beginning of my junior year in high school, time to register for the ACT and the SAT, the college entrance exams.  But my parents are vehemently opposed to the idea of college.

They can't afford it.

It's unnecessary -- I'm already smart enough to go to work in the factory.

It's un-Christian, full of Catholics and atheists.

But I've been insistent, littering the house with catalogs and brochures, and finally Dad gives in:  "Ok, you can go to college, as long as it's Olivet.  Or West Point."

A dull, Sunday school-like Bible  college on the prarie or the U.S. Military Academy?  "I understand why you want me to go to Olivet," I tell him, "But why West Point?"

"I'll tell you why: full tuition, room and board, plus a stipend.  All you have to do is sign up for five years of active duty afterwards."

"Five years in the Army!  That sounds awful!"

Dad's eyes narrow.  "I was in the Navy for four years.  It was the best time of my life.  A real man's world.  You don't know what real friends are until you've fought side by side."

"Um...a man's world?  Real friends?" I imagine sitting in class surrounded by hunky collegiate athletes, the cream of the crop, the most muscular in America, stripping down next to them in the locker room, sleeping beside them in the dorms...  "But...um... I'm not big on military science.  I want to major in Arabic."

"They have Arabic," Dad says, leafing through the catalog.  "And Chinese.  You can major in both, if you're that into languages.  Plus, it's only an hour from Manhattan.  You like all that Broadway musical stuff, right?"

Arabic, Broadway musicals, and army hunks?  It wouldn't hurt to apply....

The application process begins during your junior year, with the SAT, a medical exam, and a physical fitness test: push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups, a 400-yard dash, a mile run, and a basketball throw (you don't actually have to make a basket).

In April, I receive a letter stating that I've passed the first set of requirements.  Now I have to get a nomination from my Senator, Representative, or the President of the United States.

No problem: I already know Tom Railsback,  the representative from the 19th district for as long as I can remember.  He is a local boy, and a counterculture hero, having drafted the articles of impeachment against President Richard Nixon.

He says that there are four guys in the 19th district asking to be nominated, the most in a decade.

Just to be on the safe side, I approach our senator, Charles H. Percy, too, even though he's a Republican and I'm a staunch Democrat.

In June, my acceptance into the official applicant pool arrives.  Now I have to fill out some more forms, submit some letters attesting to my moral character, get a psychological evaluation, and come in for an interview.

 "More hoops to jump through, just to join the army!" I complain.  "You know, Olivet offered me a scholarship, and I'll bet I could get one at Augustana, too."

"Do they offer Arabic?" Dad asks. 

I keep silent and continue the application process.

The psychological evaluation is  administered by the school counselor: MMPI, with several questions designed to weed out the gay prospects, some blatant ("I am attracted to members of my own sex") and some keying into gay stereotypes ("I am closer to my mother than to my father.").

This actually comes as a relief.  I have not yet figured "it" out, and I am immersed in the homophobic Evangelical subculture.  I am literally afraid of gay men. If a feminine guy appears on tv, I leave the room..  No way could I go to any college that allows gays in!

Admissions interviews are being held in Chicago and Des Moines. but Dad insists that we go to West Point itself, so I can see how great it is.

In July, we leave Mom and my brother and sister visiting our family in Indiana, and drive out with my Uncle Paul: twelve hours on the highway, a very long trip even with the three of us sharing the driving.  Then a day at West Point, and another very long day driving back.

The campus is very beautiful, stately Gothic architecture on a bluff overlooking the Hudson River.  Some of the buildings date from the Revolutionary Era.

 But soon I notice some problems:

Arabic is no longer offered as a major.  You can take two years of classes while you major in something else.

The full story, with nude photos, some explicit, is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Gemstone Season 1 Memes: Kelvin bottoms, Gideon falls in love, and Keefe checks for semen loads

August 31, 2024, 10:07 am

≫ Next: Lucien Laviscourt: Shirtless in soaps, romcoms, Shakespeare, Archie comics. With frontal nudity

≪ Previous: Arabic and Class Rings: Cruising at West Point during my junior year of high school

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This is a series of memes -- jokes -- featuring Kelvin and Keefe of The Righteous Gemstones, their friends, and a few random nude hunks.  Most don't require you to have any background knowledge of the show

Link to the random nude hunks

1. Big Vic.  

His biceps aren't so big, but...

2. Kelvin and Keefe meet on Grinder. 

PreacherKid28: Hot dick pic!

BabyQueef: Thnks. You got a dick pic?

PreacherKid28: No, but I'll take one now.  Like it?

BabyQueef: Nice.  You a bottom or a top?

PreacherKid28: Top.

3. A top

4. It's just random, not trying to tell you anything.

Kelton: Why do I have to be homophobic in my first scene?  Viewers will hate me.

Danny: We need an excuse to reveal that Jesse has gay friends.

Kelton:  But why now?  Gideon won't show up for a long time. This is right ater the first scene between Kelvin and Keefe.

Danny: Oh, is it?  I hadn't noticed.

5. I like your outfit too, girlfriend

More memes and some cocks after the break.

6. Gideon said he wasn't in love with Scotty -- anymore.

Gideon: I don't know... sometimes I feel like you're not putting much effort into this relationship.  You  used to take me to nice restaurants.  Now it's pizza and beer.

Scotty: You're cute when you pout.

7. Random dad dick

8. Kelvin goes cruising

Kelvin and Austin interact in the episode "Wicked Lips"

9. If you're not sure, your guy is doing it wrong.

10. Maybe you could use Keefe as a reference?

See also: Blair's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Wicked Lips, Fierce Friday, and what happened in Australia in the summer of 2016

Gemstones Season 2 Memes: Kelvin swishes, the God Squad eats, Keefe asks about sex, and I don't get an Easy Bake Oven

Lucien Laviscourt: Shirtless in soaps, romcoms, Shakespeare, Archie comics. With frontal nudity

September 1, 2024, 2:54 am

≫ Next: Stephen Schneider: Heterosexual love interest, heterosexual bottom, hung sleazoid, diversity dad

≪ Previous: Gemstone Season 1 Memes: Kelvin bottoms, Gideon falls in love, and Keefe checks for semen loads

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     Link to the frontal nudity

In 2020, during the COVID lockdown, everybody watched the Netflix series Emily in Paris, because they couldn't get to the real Paris. Surprise -- it's still streaming, with Season 4 coming up. The hapless social media content creator and her friends are still falling in love at the drop of a script, with Lucas Bravo, Charles Martins, Kevin Diaz, Paul Forman, and most recently Lucien Laviscount.

The British actor -- I know, I thought he was French, too -- has 43 credits listed on the IMDB, beginning with Clocking Off, 2002.

The interconnected lives of Manchester mill workers.  I wonder if they do a Full Monty.

Soap stud roles followed: 13 episodes Grange Hill, 34 episodes of  Coronation Street, 18 episodes of Waterloo Road.  Plus guest spots on Life Bites, Father & Son, New Tricks, Shameless, Mount Pleasant...well, the list goes on and on.

I might want to see Still Star-Crossed, set in Verona shortly after the deaths of Romeo and Juliet, with new Montague-Capulet lovers investigating political machinations. Lucien plays Romeo in a flashback.

Plus a lot of modeling, here for Tommy Hilfinger.  I guess they're supposed to be very close teammates, not boyfriends.  But you never know.

The Bye-Bye Man, 2017, is Lucien's first starring role: "three friends stumble upon the horrific origins of a mysterious figure they discover is the root cause of the evil behind unspeakable acts."  

 Got all that? A bit overblown, with way too many adjectives, but I gather that we're working down from unspeakable acts caused by an evil caused by a mysterious figure who has mysterious origins. 

Ulp. All you really need to know is it's all straight people, and Lucien shows his butt.

Another starring role in Snatch, 2017-2018, about...well, the IMDB description is suffering from adjective overload, but it's about con artists who get in over their heads.  The guys, Lucien and Rupert Grint, have a gay-subtext buddy-bond that gets ruined when they both fall in love with The Girl.

Katy Keene, 2020-21, was an ill-fated attempt to hit Riverdale gold by shoving minor Archie Comics characters like Alexander Cabot III into modern-day New York.   

More Lucien after the break

In the comics, Alex Cabot, manager of Josie and the Pussycats, is a self-styled but ineffective ladies' man.  On tv, he's a recovering drug addict who used to date his step-sister Alexandra. Twin sister in the comics. Yuck.

Peacock, 2022-, is impossible to research.  Who thought up the idea of a title identical to the NBC logo and its streaming service?  The IMDB says that it's about a personal trainer, promising lots of gym hunks, but the AI says that it's about "a man out of time," an old guy trying to compete with a gym full of young hotties.  Lucien plays rival personal trainer Jay.

When I tried to determine if Lucien has played any gay roles, all that googled up was "He is NOT GAY!  He is a REAL MAN! Why y'all gotta spread lies?  Why haters gotta hate?"

But what about this shot from What We Know, 2020?  It's actually about a man and a woman falling in love, and Lucien does not appear in the cast list, but you never know.

But we do have insider knowledge of his penis.  Lucien has favored us with a j/o video.  Here we see the beginning of a flag pole.  It doesn't make up for the absence of gay characters, but it's a start.

Don't try the limp-wrist bit now, dude.  We all know that you're straight.

See also:  When We First Met: Adam Devine time-travels and bulges to win The Girl

Gideon moves out of the friend zone: A Gideon x Keefe romance

Stephen Schneider: Heterosexual love interest, heterosexual bottom, hung sleazoid, diversity dad

September 1, 2024, 6:59 pm

≫ Next: Gideon Gemstone memes: Impressing a cute boy, some hung dudes, and Skyler's first clothed scene in three years

≪ Previous: Lucien Laviscourt: Shirtless in soaps, romcoms, Shakespeare, Archie comics. With frontal nudity

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Stephen Schneider's profile on the IMDB tells us only that he was born in Sharon, Massachusetts and he's married with children.  Wikipedia adds that he's Jewish.

 

Here he and his Dad study for his Bar Mitzvah.

He graduated from Emory University in Atlanta, started a sketch comedy website, and wrote, produced, and starred in some short films, including "Not Gay," 2006.

Soon Stephen found his niche in comedy, playing quirky boyfriends.

Ray Stark, the Love Interest of one of the Best Friends Forever, 2012.

Ben in the relationship comedy, Things You Shouldn't Say Past Midnight, 2014.

You're the Worst, 2014-17, follows the romance of two horrible people, Jimmy and Gretchen.  Stephen plays Gretchen's ex, who is still in love with her.  They eventually hookup, of course.

Stephen is on the IMBD list of Hung Actors, along with Derek Yates,John Cena, and Ben Affleck -- #32, but I don't think it's organized by size.  He gets naked here, but no frontal.

Broad City, 2014-2017, follows two female best friends looking for love and sex in contemporary New York. Stephen plays Abbi's hunky next door neighbor, whom she is crushing on.  When they finally hook up, she discovers that he's a heterosexual bottom. Not a problem, until...

For someone who gets placed on the Hung List, Stephen is rather stingy about showing his dick.  In Broad City, all we get are underwear shots.

Imaginary Mary, 2016-17, follows public relations executive Alice getting career and relationship advice from the imaginary friend from her childhood.  Stephen plays Ben, her Love Interest.  He doesn't strip, but Nicholas Coombe, playing his teenage son, does.

In Breaking Them Up, 2020, Stephen makes the break from Love Interests to Dads. Fifteen-year old Damien enlists the help of his best buddy/love interest Erin in breaking up his parents so they can find better partners.

Iwent through this on fast-forward. Erin switches between masculine and feminine clothing, but everyone uses she/her pronouns, and no queer, nonbinary, or trans identity is mentioned. Actor Tess Aubert identifies as queer and uses they/them pronouns.  

Best Foot Forward, 2022, is a change of pace for Stephen: the father of a kid with a prosthetic leg negotiating public school. the kid, not the leg.. 

A profile on CBS Philadelphia notes that Logan Marmino, who plays Josh, is an accomplished athlete: he plays on his school baseball team, competes in Paralymptic track, and is into basketball, surfing, skateboarding, and running in 5ks

More Stephen after the break

Stephen's favorite role to date is in Season 3 of The Righteous Gemstones: his Stephen Downes, a guitarist, has an affair with singer Judy Gemstone while they are on tour.  She ends it, but he refuses to let her go, teasing her husband BJ about his sexploits and calling him a "faggot" for disapproving of sleaze talk.

Left: Stephen and Tim Baltz (BJ) have dinner with their tv wives and real-life wives (not shown)

He even sends BJ a dick pic to brag about his sexual prowess.  Actually, they use a stunt cock.  But not to worry, he's naked for five minutes, with his cock and butt in full view, in a later episode

It's so extensive that it needs its own post.

The full post, with nude photos and explicit sexual discussion, is onRG Beefcake and Boyfriends

See also: Stephen Schneider's Extensive Cock Scene

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Gideon Gemstone memes: Impressing a cute boy, some hung dudes, and Skyler's first clothed scene in three years

September 2, 2024, 3:29 am

≫ Next: Coming out as trans on "The Neighborhood." Or not. With bonus sweaty black men

≪ Previous: Stephen Schneider: Heterosexual love interest, heterosexual bottom, hung sleazoid, diversity dad

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This is a series of memes -- jokes -- featuring Gideon of The Righteous Gemstones, and friends.  Most don't require you to have any background knowledge of the show.

Link to the hung dudes

1. Some friends

2. We've all been there

Teenage Gideon at the sleepover: "This is fascinating.  Reminiscent of the early Faulkner, with the homoerotic subtexts that one often finds in Southern Gothic fiction."

The cute boy he's trying to impress: Dude, that's a blank scrapbook.

3. Perform with your shirt off.  No one will notice.

Gideon: I'm sorry, I'm not up to performing in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.  Tell my understudy that he'll have to do it.

Keefe: This is NOT a coat of many colors.  Three, tops. Call Gideon again.

4. Room for one more.

When Gideon invited his buds to the sleepover, he didn't mention that they would be sharing one single bed. Not that they minded.

5. A random hung dude

More Gideon after the break

6. Skyler's first fully-clothed scene in three years

7.  Scotty could have been more clear

Scotty: I'm-a shove my wiener down your throat!

Gideon, three hours later:  Wait -- he meant his cock!  Darn, why did I say no?

8. But you're already an expert in French and Greek

Eli: You want to learn to do what I do?

Gideon: I think so.

Eli: Great!  First you'll need a B.A. in religion, then three years of seminary.

Gideon: Seven years?  But....

Eli: I have a D.Min.  That takes another three years.

Gideon: Ten years?  But....

Eli: We can start you on Greek right now.  You can wait 'til seminary to learn Hebrew.  For the D.Min., you'll need French or German, too.

Gideon: I didn't mean preaching.  I want to learn to break thumbs.

9. Get your story straight

Keefe: Yesterday was an epic hang with Gideon.  We started with a hike, then hit the sauna, and ended with dinner at the Smokehouse.

Gideon: You left out what we did before the sauna.  At the club, remember?

Keefe: I was summarizing.

Gideon: And the Smokehouse wasn't the end of the date...

Keefe: It was a hang.

Gideon: I think you mean "hung."

10. What Gideon was talking about

See also: Gemstones Season 1 Memes: Kelvin bottoms, Gideon falls in love, and Keefe checks for semen loads

Gideon moves out of the friend zone: A Gideon/Keefe romance

Double Vision: Based on the Foreigner song, with nude pics of Gideon and Keefe

Coming out as trans on "The Neighborhood." Or not. With bonus sweaty black men

September 3, 2024, 2:35 am

≫ Next: Everybody Hates Chris

≪ Previous: Gideon Gemstone memes: Impressing a cute boy, some hung dudes, and Skyler's first clothed scene in three years

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We'll start with a sweaty black man.  Just keep him in mind.

Link to the nude dudes

I was going to give The Neighborhood, on Hulu, a miss.  Next door neighbors, both heterosexual nuclear families, dealing with race issues, and not a gay person in sight.  But 14-year old Hank Greenspan, who plays Grover, has long hair and a femme look, so I checked his Instagram to see if he is gay in real life, I found this:

"Together we win."

I'm not familiar with this symbol, but one of the comments was: "Another trans actor or just brainwashed."  

So presumably Hank or their character has come out as trans, and love wins.  

But when I searched for  "The Neighborhood,""Cedric the Entertainer," and gay or transgender, nothing came up.

When I tried "Hank Greenspan" and gay or transgender, I got an article on cultural appropriation that doesn't mention either, and a reddit post that called him a "child actress," but was being homophobic.

So who is winning for trans equality?  

Seasons 6 and 7 are not available on Hulu, so I'm reviewing Season 5 episode that looked Grover-centric, "Welcome to the Working World." 

Scene 1:  The chubby Marty (Marcel Spears, below), and a woman are cuddling while watching a movie.  He says "God is good." Then his Brother Malcolm (Shean McKinley) -- wants to know why it's dark in here, and he groans "The devil is active, too."  The deadbeat used up all of the woman's strawberry -mango body wash, and when they're not looking, steals their snacks.

Their Dad, Calvin (Cedric the Entertainer), and Mom, Ticina Arnold of Everybody Hates Chris, knock, wondering why the door is locked   Wow, Cedric is chubby, too.  If you're a chubby chaser -- and who isn't?  - this is the series for you.

 Chub Marty and his girlfriend scurry to fix things so Mom and Dad won't know that they were getting busy.  Then the oldsters insist on barging into their movie night, so no smoochinig or sex!

Everybody Hates Chris also starred Tequan Richmond, now grown up and hung, as Chris's younger brother, whom everybody in the world fell in love-at-first-sight with.  It allowed him to score free desserts at lunchtime, and he never got detention, but around Valentine's Day, the truckloads of cards and presents began to arrive.  

Sorry,  not sorry for the digression. Back to The Neighborhood after the break

Scene 2: The next door neighbors at breakfast.  Dad Dave (Max Greenfield) is thrilled by the mail, until he discovers that Grover got a check for $130 from Korea.

The kid has long hair and is wearing makeup, but they use he/him pronouns and call him their son, so I'm going to go with femme gay, not transgender.  

Why the windfall?  He's posting videos on PaddiWak, a TikTok type website, and getting subscribers.

Mom disapproves: The internet is not a safe place for kids. So Dad Dave decrees: no more videos. "Why not?""Because I said so." Femme Boy Grover angrily runs upstairs.

Scene 3: Visiting the neighbors, Mom moans that the internet is full of predators, not safe for her kid. But Brother Malcolm, a subscriber, points out that the videos are funny and perfectly innocent. Besides, he needs the money for something high-tech that I don't understand.

How about getting him another job, one that "teaches the value of hard work"?  Grover is only 13, but they talk Cedric the Entertainer Calvin into giving him an after-school job at the auto shop.  Dad Dave wants to hug in appreciation, but Calvin is disgusted by the idea of touching another man, and dramatically pushes him away.  Homophobe!

Scene 4: Chub Marty from Scene 1 is giving his girl a foot rub and preparing for sex, when Cedric the Entertainer Calvin interrupts them again.  Maybe don't do it in the living room?

Why is everyone in these illustrations so sweaty?

Scene 5: At the auto repair shop, Femme Boy Grover is trying to sweep the floor, but he doesn't do it right, so Cedric the Entertainer Calvin demonstrates. Uh-oh, Grover is filming him!

Employee Manny slips on some spilled oil and hurts his back.   Who spilled it and then didn't clean it up?  Guess.  

Scene 6: Calvin drives Femme Boy Grover home. The parents are anxious to see how it went: Grover thinks that he did great, and Calvin is afraid to admit that he was a screw-up.

Later, Calvin tells his Everybody Hates Chris wife that the kid is making more work for him, plus his employee, Manny, is going to sue for his hurt back. Surely worker's comp will take care of that.

Scene 7: Some time later, Dad Dave sits in Calvin's office, gushing over how great a job his son is doing.  Calvin prevaricates.  A customer comes in, noting that he heard about the shop on PaddiWanks.  Another chubby guy!  Take your shirt off, buddy.

Wait, they don't have any videos posted on PaddiWacks... uh-oh.  Femme Boy Grover, get in here!

Scene 8: In the B plot, Mom spoils yet another of Marty and his girl's attempt to have sex in front of the tv.  Just take her to your room.

Scene 9: The parents are yelling at Femme Boy Grover for being irresponsible, and plan to take away his phone.  He explains that he's in middle school now, and having trouble fitting in.  The videos help him make friends. Awww. The kid's definitely gay.

Then Calvin comes in, elated.  He's getting a lot of business from Grover's subscribers on Paddiwank. Could he do some more videos to advertise the shop?

Scene 10: Resolving the "why can't we make out on our couch" issue: Marty and his girl are going to get their own place.  The end.

Beefcake: Lots of chubby guys, but they don't take off their clothes.

Heterosexism: Three heterosexual couples.  Malcolm doesn't express any heterosexual interest in this episode, but he has a girlfriend.

LGBTQ Characters: In other episode, Femme Boy Grover crushes on girls, so he's either a cisgender straight boy or a transgender lesbian.  But I see no evidence of him or Hank ever coming out as transgender.  That picture must be about winning something else.

My Grade: After all that jerking around, I think we need another chubby black man.   Or a black man with a chubby.

See also: The Pham Phamily: A queer daughter, a gay jerk, and the guy from Kim's Convenience.

Skyler's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 4: a baseball bat, a hickey, a little dog, and a chub with a chubby

Everybody Hates Chris

September 3, 2024, 6:55 am

≫ Next: Allan Hyde: Roman-era vampire boy with one dude-on-dude kiss and a lot of frontal nudity on Danish tv

≪ Previous: Coming out as trans on "The Neighborhood." Or not. With bonus sweaty black men

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Everybody Hates Chris (2005-09),  loosely based on the childhood of comedian Chris Rock in the 1980s, was about a boy named Chris (Tyler James Williams) beset-upon by weird neighbors and a crazy family.  School is even worse; as the only black student at Corleone Junior High, he suffers both overt and well-meaning liberal racism.

True to the tradition of erasing black beefcake, no one disrobed on camera.  But there were nearly as many bulges as on The Jeffersons, and you could easily find shirtless and nude shots elsewhere.

Tequan Richmond, who played Chris's opposite, his supremely lucky and supernaturally attractive brother, posted many muscle pix on his website.  He now plays a teen hunk on General Hospital.

Terry Crews, the Dad, is a former football star with a bodybuilder's physique who often flexes in his movies (most recently he has done voice work on The Ultimate Spider_Man).

The word "gay" was never spoken, though once they used "androgynous" as a euphemism.  And, at least in the first season, Chris featured one of the strongest teenage homoromantic subtexts in contemporary tv.

When Chris arrives at Corleone Junior High, the only kid who will befriend him is the nerd Greg (Vincent Martella, who also voiced the Disney Channel's Phineas and Ferb).  Soon they become inseparable  -- and exclusive; when one courts another boy, the other seethes with jealousy. They break up, realize how much they care for each other, and reconcile again.

They have a Romeo-and-Juliet moment in “Everybody Hates Greg” (November 24, 2005): Greg’s father forbids him from seeing Chris, and the two go through absurd machinations to be together, behaving according to media conventions for heterosexual participants in a “forbidden romance.”  Finally Greg’s father relents, saying “You’re big buddies, huh?”, apparently recognizing that the emotional importance of their bond transcends that of ordinary “buddies.”

The adult Chris Rock, who narrates each episode, seems somewhat discomfited by the intensity of the pairing.  Some of his asides, such as “Hey, this ain’t Brokeback!” (referring to the gay-themed movie Brokeback Mountain) deny that the pairing is romantic while explicitly linking it with gay romance.

Other asides, such as “How could I have so much drama without a girl?” appear to proclaim that the relationship is invalid because it does not involve girls, but actually indicates that girls are not necessary, that “drama” (emotional turmoil) is equally possible in same-sex relationships. The attention paid to the homoromance, and its thematic association with heterosexual romance, suggests that it is significant, even intentional.

However, it is temporary; after the first season, the two become ordinary best friends, both are wild about girls.

See also:  "The Neighborhood"

Allan Hyde: Roman-era vampire boy with one dude-on-dude kiss and a lot of frontal nudity on Danish tv

September 3, 2024, 1:00 pm

≫ Next: Gemstone Season 2 Memes: Kelvin swishes, Joe Canoli bulges, I don't get an Easy Bake Oven, and there's no Brad Pitt

≪ Previous: Everybody Hates Chris

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Link to the frontal nudity

We're watching True Blood (2008-2014), about vampires coming "out of the coffin" in contemporary Louisiana.  They have a very bureaucratic organization: focus character Sookie is dating Civil War-era vampire Bill, who has to kowtow to the Sheriff of Area 5, Viking-era vampire Eric.

Eric must kowtow to the much more important Sheriff of Area 9, Dallas, Roman Empire era  vampire Godric (Allan Hyde).

Godric turned Eric, back in the day, and since vampires have a permanent erotic bond with their makers, the two lived as lovers for many years.  In the present day, he is a pacifist, pushing for human-vampire equality, and tired of eternal life after 2,000 years, ready to "meet the sun."

Allan Hyde was born in Copenhagen, with an English father and a Danish mother, so most of his 41 acting credits on the IMDB have been in Denmark:

6 episodes of 2900 Happiness, about rich people with scandals.

24 episodes of Juleønsket, about a girl and Christmas magic.

5 episodes of Gidseltagningen, about people being held hostage on the subway.  He really has a lot of range.

You and Me Forever, 2012, centers on a girl-power friendship, but it gives Allan's character a fyr på fyr kiss.  That's dude-on-dude.

This one is on Amazon Prime.

In Sommerin 92, 2015, the Danish football team is competing for the European championship, and Allan is showing his dick.  Not for the last time.

More after the break

Allan wrote, directed, and starred in Cold Hawaii, 2020, which is not set in Hawaii, but in a Danish seaside community of that name, where two heterosexual couples decide to swap partners and spend 8 episodes getting around to it.

Fars Drenge, Daddy's Boys, features your standard 20-somethings too busy partying to meet their heterosexual destiny by marrying and having children.  But they don't mind getting naked down at the docks.  You can see it on TV Time

Allan has also written for a number of Danish tv series, including Alla Salute, Songs in the Sun, Try Hard, and Fixer, and appeared on stage in everything from Les Miserables to Grease.

I checked his Instagram to see if he is gay in real life, and found a lot of pizza.  Here  a birthday pizza.

Some naked soldiers .

A j/o video

And more pizza.

See also: Does Kit Harrington really have a tiny pecker?

Midsommar: Murderous pagans and Christian cock

Gemstone Season 2 Memes: Kelvin swishes, Joe Canoli bulges, I don't get an Easy Bake Oven, and there's no Brad Pitt

September 4, 2024, 2:31 am

≫ Next: Nathan Kress, Freddie from "ICarly," grown up. Is he still homophobic? Is he still shy about showing his dick?

≪ Previous: Allan Hyde: Roman-era vampire boy with one dude-on-dude kiss and a lot of frontal nudity on Danish tv

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Link to the nude photos

This is a series of memes -- jokes -- featuring Kelvin and Keefe of The Righteous Gemstones, their friends, and a few random hunks.  Most don't require you to have any background knowledge of the show.

1. A few random hunks

2. Could you at least get naked?

Tony: What do you mean, Kelvin and Keefe don't kiss this season?  Can we at least have sex?

3. How to hug while pretending to be straight.

Kelvin: No, your head goes...

Keefe: I think I put my right arm...um..over here...

Kelvin: My hand goes on your butt...no, on your waist...hey, are you aroused?

Keefe: No..a little...ok, a lot.

Kelvin: Move your thigh over there...no, there...your hand goes here...dude, I told you to research how straight guys hug

4. Ready for another random hunk?

5. Nobody is that good an actor, Kelvin.

6. Eli should have known that this would happen

Eli: Remember, when the new converts walk on stage, Judy hugs the men, and you hug the women.

Kelvin: No problem, Daddy, I can handle that.  Here comes the first....eww....Judy, stop laughing...eww....eww

Eli: Game change.  Kelvin, you take the men.

Kelvin: Oh, thank God!

More closeted Kelvin after the break

7. Kelvin got his makeup set, now where's my Easy-Bake Oven?

8. Keefe is good in other rooms of the house, too

9. His dick is easy to find

 Kelvin: Dang it, I keep hitting his forehead!  Keefe, do you mind if I express my love some way besides kissing?  I can never find your mouth, but I can find your dick ok.

10. Joe Canoli

No idea who that is.  Looks like a 1950s physique model

11. Kelvin has always dressed femme, girlfriend.

12. No, this is not Brad Pitt

See also: Brad Pitt: Nice abs, but Adam has a bigger cock

 Gemstones Season 3 Memes, Part 1: Dildos, dicks, that nice Satanist boy, and waffles after sex