Nathan Kress, Freddie from "ICarly," grown up. Is he still homophobic? Is he still shy about showing his dick?

September 4, 2024, 4:30 pm

≫ Next: Tony Cavalero demonstrates how to pick up that hot guy at the gym

≪ Previous: Gemstone Season 2 Memes: Kelvin swishes, Joe Canoli bulges, I don't get an Easy Bake Oven, and there's no Brad Pitt

Link to the nude photos

Many Nickelodeon shows of the 2000s had strong homophobic subtexts, and ICarly (2007-2012) was one of the worst. Miranda Cosgrove starred as Carly, who hosts an internet comedy show with her butch-but-straight buddy Sam (a girl) and nerd-next-door-with-a- stereotyped crush on her Freddie (Nathan Kress).

They are supervised by her wacky bi-subtext older brother, Spencer.

On the way, the contempt for gay men, or as Sam alls them, prancies, oozes out in joke after joke. The most egregious is Spencer being chased down and arrested for appearing in public in a dress; cross-dressing has not been a crime in any American city since the 1970s.

I especially disliked Nathan Kress, not only for the horribly cliched "unrequited crush" plotlines. As he bulked up, he steadfastly refused to permit beefcake photos. To an extent, that's his choice: his body, his rules. But when you choose a career that depends only displaying that body, and further set yourself up as a teen idol, you have a sort of obligation to your fans.

More annoying was his reason for failing to post beefcake: he was a way, way conservative fundamentalist of the "hating ten gays before breakfast" variety, and he didn't want girls and prancies getting ideas.

Today Nathan's instagram is full of wife-and-children pictures.

Still hardly any beefcake, unless incorporated into the wife-and-kid pictures.

And he's still ultra-fundamentalist.

More Nathan after the break

I wouldn't find this mug so annoying if I didn't know that Nathan's God is good only to heterosexuals.

I don't know who the crazy looking friend is.

Nathan's homophobic connections and dearth of beefcake photos have made me altogether interested in finding some nude photos, just to make him mad. "Oh no, prancies seeing my dick!"

He has 49 other credits on the IMDB, including a lot of Nickelodeon teencoms; some animated cartoons; the drama Into the Storm, about tornados; and the webseries Alive in Denver, about an apocalypse that doesn't happen. Not a lot of potential for dick and butt shots there.

Although the star of Into the Storm, Richard Armitage, has a dick shot.

Wait -- Nathan stars in the new, 2021-23 version of ICarly, which brings the cast nine years into the future. Freddie is dating Carly, and living with his stepdaughter.

And befriending Carly's new roommate, Harper, who is pansexual. She is shown dating men and women.

Huh? Why would Nathan agree to something like that?

Maybe he's become less homophobic over the years, or maybe he thinks, a job is a job.

The nude photos:

1. I don't know about this one. Why would Nathan be reclining surrounded by Marilyn Monroes, a football, and a purple alligator on a stick?

2. This might be more realistic: an outdoor setting. Nathan changes into his swimsuit, gets aroused, someone snaps a photo.

Next let's do Josh Plasse, who plays Wes, Carly's ex-boyfriend.

The nude photos are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriens

Mason Cook: The "Speechless" kid grows up, builds some biceps, and gets naked

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Tony Cavalero demonstrates how to pick up that hot guy at the gym

September 5, 2024, 2:45 am

≫ Next: Joe Canoli's canoli: frontal nudity and erotic promise from the groovy 1960s

≪ Previous: Nathan Kress, Freddie from "ICarly," grown up. Is he still homophobic? Is he still shy about showing his dick?

Link to the nude photos

We've all had this problem: the hot guy at the gym won't respond when you try to make eye contact or say hello. Even the famous actor Tony Cavalero struck out from time to time, until he developed a foolproof method for getting the hot guy's attention, and maybe even making him your gym boyfriend.

1. Scope out your target, then do the same exercise, but with more weight to impress him.

2. That didn't work? Take your shirt off.

3. Still nothing?

4. Try struggling with a bicep curl. He'll rush over to spot you.

More spotting after the break

5. Ask him to spot you on the preacher curl, too.

6. Ask him to check on your progress. No, that's not his penis...yet.

7. Now that you've got his attention, take off your shirt again.

8. Hit the showers together, show him your equipment, and if you're hung, it's a done deal. Otherwise you might have to buy him a smoothie first.

Joe Canoli's canoli: frontal nudity and erotic promise from the groovy 1960s

September 6, 2024, 1:38 am

≫ Next: That 90s Show, Episode 3.6: Ozzie dates, Theo gets groped, and Nate gets dumped. With Theo and Noah nudes.

≪ Previous: Tony Cavalero demonstrates how to pick up that hot guy at the gym

Link to the nude photos

Readers were asking about Joe Canoli, one of the random hunks in the Season 2 Gemstone Memes.

Walter Kudzincz, born in 1925, began photographing his well-hung buddies and boyfriends, establishing a catalog of guys in skimpy outfits pretending to be cowboys, pirates, or gladiators, trying to avoid being overtly homoerotic, as was required by the strict censorship and intense homophobia of 1950s society. You could get them via mail order, or in "fitness" magazines like Physique Pictorial and Tomorrow's Man.

In 1952 Walt met Jim Stryker, an 18-year old recent high school graduate, pranking his friend by urinating on him from a tree branch. Stryker became his friend, lover, and the top-selling model in the gay male subculture for the next ten years.

In 1962, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that male nudity was not necessarily obscene, and in 1965, magazines began printing frontal nudity, allowing Walt to challenge the "chaste," closeted gay models of the earlier generation. It was the era of the psychedelics revolution, the sexual revolution, the youth counterculture, and the more open, out gay subcultures that would culminate in Stonewall and the Gay Rights Movement. The modern gay man was willing to admit that he liked to look at cocks as well as muscles.

So Walt's Champion Studio models got naked. Sometimes their photos were campy and cool, brightly colored, "mod," groovy. Sometimes they made fun of the posing-straip cowboys and football players of the uptight 1950s. Sometimes they were unabashedly erotic.

I'm covering a lot about the life of Walt Kudzincz because I have found almost nothing about Joe Canoli. The earliest photo I could find, a black-and-white with rear nudity, comes from between 1962 and 1965.

More after the break

Joe appeared in a short erotic-wrestling film, released by Pleasure Pack Productions as "A Sunshine Beach Film" in 1965. His partner is Scott Manley.

Most of the available photos were taken in two or three modeling sessions in 1966. A few were published in Walt's magazines, but most stayed in the private collection.

During the 1970s, gay erotica became harder, more blatant, the men aroused and even having sex, and Walt found his work increasingly obsolete.

We have one Joe Canoli photo from this era, with rare fully arousal.

By the mid-70s, Walt had retired, although he continued to photograph his well-hung friends and lovers to his death in 2016. Retrospectives of his work were published in 1994 and 2005.

"Joe Canoli" is a stage name -- "Canoli" is Italian slang for "penis" -- and there are no records of his real name, at least not among Walt's papers. So he will remain anonymous.

We see a moment frozen in time, a short modeling gig in a life lived through thousands of days, with friends and lovers, Sunday morning brunch, Thanksgiving dinner, bench presses at the gym, watching Saturday Night Live, marching in pride parades, all vanished into the abyss of memory.

Maybe a moment is enough.

There's a Joe Cannoli's Bakery in Worcester, Massachusetts. No relation, probably.

Gemstone Season 2 memes: Kelvin swishes, Joe Canoli bulges, and I don't get an Easy Bake Oven

Gemstones Episode 1.2: Eli catches a snake, Christian poses nude, and Kelvin sees the devil's testicle

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That 90s Show, Episode 3.6: Ozzie dates, Theo gets groped, and Nate gets dumped. With Theo and Noah nudes.

September 7, 2024, 2:49 am

≫ Next: Gemstone Season 3 Memes, Part 1: Dildos, a limp wrist, a nice Satanist boy, and what Stephen fantasizes about

≪ Previous: Joe Canoli's canoli: frontal nudity and erotic promise from the groovy 1960s

Link to the Theo and Noah nudes

That 90s Show is a nostalic spin-off of That 70s Show, set 20 years later, with the children of the original cast hanging out in that basement: Jay, the pretty one (Mace Coronel, left); Nate, the stupid one (Maxwell Acee Donovan); Ozzie, the gay one (Reyn Doi); and three or four girls, it's hard to keep track.

While the other teens merge in and out of complicated love triangles and quadrangles, Ozzie is always being stymied in his quest for the elusive penis. He has a long-distance boyfriend in Canada, who dumps him before we can meet him, and then a lost connection with Isaac (Raphael Alejandro) in Season 3. I'm reviewing the episode where they go on their first date, 2.6, "Life is a Highway."

Scene 1: Grandma Kitty, Grandpa Red, and Gwen's mom are in the kitchen, doing stuff with meat, when Gwen's Dad Otis (Cedric Yargrough) arrives with a big announcement: he was hit by a mail truck, and settled for $20,000, so he can spend some time with "his girls."

Gwen's Mom reveals a problem: whenever Gwen's Dad bangs into town, he's so charming that Mom jumps into bed with him, and then they start arguing, and Gwen is in the middle of it. Easy, Grandma Kitty says: "I'll just keep you from having sex with him."

Scene 2: Dad Otis is cooking in preparation for the big barbecue when his daughter Gwen and focus character Leia enter, wanting truck-driving lessons.

Scene 3: At the barbecue, Nate the Stupid One complains that he can't break up with his overbearing girlfriend, Betsy. He tried to break up, and she said "No." Hey, wasn't this plot on Seinfeld around 1996?

Dad Otis commiserates: "I been there -- you lay the pipe too clean, the wild ones never let you go." Ulp, he's talking about Jay the Pretty One's sister!

Ok, how to break up with her: "Tell her that you cheated with that little hottie." Ulp, he's talking about Jay's girlfriend!

Scene 4: Nikki, yet another member of the basement gang, and Ozzie meet in the diner.

Nikki's problem: Her boyfriend, Theo (Anthony Turpel), just wants to kiss, and she's ready to go downtown, but he's shy, and she's never had to make the first move before. Her last boyfriend was Nate the Stupid One, aka the Human Erection-- she'd just look down, and his cock would be in her hand. Whoa, these are teenagers. Let's keep it G-rated!

How can Nikki subtly inform him that she wants sex? Ozzie suggests going to a movie, making sure there's a box of popcorn on his lap, reaching for some, and missing. Where'd you learn that trick, boy? Isn't this your first date?

Anthony Turpel, age 24, probably has some beefcake or nudes online. I'll check after the break.

Ozzie's problem: He can't go to a kid's movie on his first date, but for a R-rated, he needs adults to buy the tickets.

He asks Sonny and Bunch, an aging hippie couple, or heterosexual life partners -- it's hard to tell. They don't display any heterosexual interest in this episode, but they're played by Jay and Silent Bob, aka Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes.

They get all excited because they don't have any kids of their own, and will welcome the opportunity to become parents.

In case you haven't seen Jason Mewes nude recently, he's on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Scene 5: Nate the Human Erection tries to break up with Betsy by claiming that he cheated with "Amy Pasta." But Betsy likes the idea, and suggests a three-way. Hey, these are teenagers!

Scene 6: Ozzie and Isaac are alone at the movie -- until the guy arrive to cover their eyes if something inappropriate comes on, like blood or boobs. Guys, boobs won't be a problem. Now, let's talk penises.

Scene 7: Back at the barbecue, Gwen's Dad Otis was allowed to cook, and now the wieners are all shriveled. Penis joke, har har.

Also, Grandma Kitty was trying to prevent Gwen's parents from having sex, but they had sex anyway. "It wasn't your fault. Trying to stop us made it hotter."

Dad Otis also blew off the big, important truck-driving lesson, letting his daughter down, so Leia and Gwen drive off by themselves, with no lessons.

More after the break. Caution: it gets even more explicit.

Scene 8: Nate the Human Erection is calling random women named Amy to find someone willing to have the three way, so his girlfriend won't know that he lied about cheating. They all hang up. Maybe text them a photo of your penis?

Jay the Pretty One suggests getting super-clingy and scaring the girlfriend away.

Scene 7: The girls only got a few blocks. Still, Otis is furious Instead of yelling, Grandma Kitty suggest talking, seeing what's bothering her.

Scene 8: Ozzie and Isaac sneak into the G-rated movie, Homeward Bound 2, which they actually preferred but were afraid to admit.

Nikki is in the same movie with her boyfriend Theo, the one shy about pulling his penis out. She tries the "reaching for the popcorn and missing" trick. He's fine with it.

Uh-oh, Sony and Bunch are helicopter parents, and come searching for them. They yell: "We are looking for two young boys." Pedophile jokes are surprisingly common in this show.

Scene 9: Gwen explained that she stole the truck because her Dad keeps breaking his promises and is never there for her. They have a heart-to-heart. Awww.

Scene 10: Ozzie/Isaac and Nikki/Theo at the diner for their post-movie milkshakes.

The dates were a success: Theo wants Nikki to pull his cock out again, and Isaac says this ws the best date he's ever been on.

Meanwhile, at another table, Nate tthe Human Erection comes clean about still being in love with Nikki, in Nikki's earshot. The girlfriend dumps him, but Nikki doesn't want to get back together, so the Human Erection is out of luck. Maybe Jay is available.

Scene 11: Dad Otis finally giving Gwen her truck-driving lesson. Awww. The end.

Beefcake: None.

Heterosexism: Three heterosexual couples among the teenagers, two among the adults.

Gay Characters: Maybe the aging hippie couple. Otis and Isaak are treated as just another couple, with no homophobia anywhere. However, they have no physical contact whatever at the movie, while a row or two over, Theo is getting groped.

My Grade: Better than no representation at all. But I can't help noticing that Isaak does not appear again.

Bonus: This review seemed a little beefcake-light, so I'm including a nude photo of Anthony Turpel, or someone who looks like him.

And the Human Erection, actually Noah Centineo.

The Fosters: 12 hunks and hunkoids, all grown up. With more Noah Centineo

The Out-Laws: Adam Devine has a crush on Pierce Brosnan. Don't you? With Reyn Doi.

↧

Gemstone Season 3 Memes, Part 1: Dildos, a limp wrist, a nice Satanist boy, and what Stephen fantasizes about

September 8, 2024, 12:45 am

≫ Next: Santa Clarita Diet, Episode 1.9: A medieval Serbian book, a gay subtext, daddy-twink porn, and maybe a Skyler dick

≪ Previous: That 90s Show, Episode 3.6: Ozzie dates, Theo gets groped, and Nate gets dumped. With Theo and Noah nudes.

Link to the nude photos

This is a series of memes -- jokes -- featuring Kelvin and Keefe of The Righteous Gemstones, their friends, and a few random hunks. Most don't require you to have any background knowledge of the show.

1. Applied to join Kelvin's God Squad, rejected for being too big

2. Careful, one of your dildos escaped

3. Need help with that toy?

Need someone to show you how to use a double-headed dildo? Go find Kelvin and meet me in the steam showers.

4. "I be punching you in the uvula."

"Diss my man again, and Im'a shove my fist so far up your ass that you'll be kissing my ring from the inside."

"Your friends will think you're a Muppet"

"You'll be tastin' the hand job I gave him this morning."

"Your tonsils be chargin' me rent"

More memes after the break

5. That nice Satanist boy

Keefe: Mama said I should marry that nice Satanist boy, but no, I had to pick Kelvin Gemstone.

6. A nice Satanist boy.

Or maybe just a naked Emo

7. You spend two years trying to win the Man of Your Dreams...

"You spend two years trying to win the Man of Your Dreams, and the next thirty being embarrassed by him at every family dinner."

8. The limp wrist is classic drag

Baby Billy: Would you say that you have gotten more flamboyant this season?

Kelvin: No, not at all, Girlfriend. Why do you ask?

9. That's not what you called me in bed last night.

Kelvin: "You're my...best dude friend...of a cousin."

That's not what you called me in bed last night.

That's too long to fit on the wedding invitations.

You forgot "snugglebunny"

Come over here and call me that again.

10. A Best Dude Friend of a Cousin

11. What do you fantasize about, Stephen?

Stephen: You're a weak little fag, ain't ya?

BJ: I'm a straight cis male, and I don't believe that queer people should be referenced that way.

Stephen: Are you as turned on as I am?

12. What Stephen fantasizes about

See also: Gemstones Season 3 Memes, Part 2: Kelvin dates Taryn, Keefe dates Cousin Karl, and nobody dates Jerry O'Connell

Stephen Schneider's Extensive Nude Scene

My Boyfriend and My Satanist Ex-Boyfriend at Thanksgiving Dinner: a Kelvin/Keefe Romance

↧

Santa Clarita Diet, Episode 1.9: A medieval Serbian book, a gay subtext, daddy-twink porn, and maybe a Skyler dick

September 9, 2024, 2:13 am

≫ Next: Preston Oliver: Teen idol with four tv roles, two boyfriends, "Ask Me" Toney, and some nude costars

≪ Previous: Gemstone Season 3 Memes, Part 1: Dildos, a limp wrist, a nice Satanist boy, and what Stephen fantasizes about

Link to the nude photos

I haven't reviewed an episode of Santa Clarita Diet for awhile, mainly because the first episode I watched was kind of gross. Also, after posting reviews of twelve of Skyler Gisondo's movies, four photo collections, and a lot of stuff on Gideon Gemstone, I'm running out of pictures of Skyler with his shirt off.

And no cock shots at all, unless you count the one in the bonus photos, below. So we'll have to make do with a fully clothed Skyler.

The premise: Suburban housewife Sheila has become a zombie. She's fully sentient, but she lacks impulse control, is unusually horny, and has to eat human flesh. While looking for a cure, her annoyingly amoral family helps her find victims. Skyler plays the guy who knows their secret, next-door neighbor Eric, who happens to be an expert on zombies.

I'm reviewing Episode 1.9, "The Book," because it involves the search for a medieval Serbian manuscript, and who wouldn't be interested in that?

Scene 1: While Zombie Sheila bags up human meat for later, Husband Joel (Timothy Olyphant, left) has had a breakthrough: Anton, who owns the Medieval Serbian book that mentions a zombie cure, has finally responded to his emails and texts. He can meet them at a paranormal conference in Oxnard today.

But then a cop appears with daughter Abby, who was arrested for runing a stop sign in a motorcycle with no plates or VIN number, wearing a jacket saying "Pussy Magnet." Hey, the "Pussy Magnet" is legal. The girl likes what she likes.

Abby is obviously in psychological pain from dealing with the zombie situation, so Sheila will spend the day with her. Husband Joel can go to the paranormal conference with ally Eric.

I'll review the two plotlines separately.

Mother-Daughter Bonding

Scene 1: Zombie Sheila and Abby return the motorcycle of a guy she killed to his brother, Lonnie (Alex Scuby), who runs a chop shop out of a storage locker. He took Abby's money but didn't fix her bike, so she wants her money back. Wait, I thoiugh it belonged to the dead guy? Were there two bikes?

Lonnie tells them that his brother was a "stupid fucking idiot" who ripped people off, so they're out of luck. He closes the garage-door and won't let them in. He's not responsbile for his brother's debts, ladies.

Left: Alex Scuby has appeared in a porno about two older-younger gay couples who swap partners.

Scene 2: In their storage locker, which is the size of a small apartment, Sheila and Daughter Abby look for something to use to get the money back from Lonnie. There's teargas that Abby stole from Eric's stepfather before Dad killed him, but Sheila wants to teach Abby a life-lesson and use a non-violent solution: how about Raffi, that annoyingly repetitive kids' singer? What makes you think Lonnie is still in there?

Scene 3: Hours of playing and singing along to Raffi later, they give up, but Lonnie yells from inside "Turn Raffi back on!" They decide to tear gas him instead, but when they drop the tear gas canister down the vent, it hits the wrong storage locker! Two innocent guys rush out.

Scene 4: Abby wants to know why Mom Sheila is so dead-set, so to speak, on teaching her life lessons. She explains that she is slowly decomposing, so she won't be around much longer, and has to make sure Abby will be ok. Aww.

The Paranormal Conference

Scene 1: When Dad Joel arrives to pick up Eric, his mom announces "You have a gentleman caller." Gay joke, har har. Embarrassed, Eric tells her to not make everything sexual.

He asks for advice on how to pack a hoodie, and claims to be upset over Joel murdering his stepfather with a shovel, but he's joking: the guy was an asshole. Is this casual attitude toward murder supposed to be humorous?

Scene 2: At the conference, Eric buys a churro-saber, but it's too long to be phallic.

When Joel is rejected by the first person he talks to, Eric explains: these are all introverts with low self-esteem, and he scares them away by being too aggressive and too handsome: "with those piercing eyes and perfect posture." So you think he's hot, Eric?

Scene 3: They find Anton, Derek Waters, talking to a crowd about government conspiracies: During the 1950s, they exploded thousands of nukes over Bikini Atoll in the South Pacific. In 2012, a man in Florida eats another man's face. Coincidence? "If you believe that, I've got a Japanese sex doll to sell you. Unused." Because he gets so many partners that he doesn't need it?

Nerd Ryan, Ravi Patel, asks about an outbreak of the undead in 19th century Poland. Yep: Rybik, 1870. Three priests walk into a tavern, and get eaten.

Joel asks about the Medieval Serbian book. Yep, Pozica, 16th Century.

More after the break.

The village doesn't exist, but they made a mock-up of the book for the show. I got the image from Brandon W. Hawk, a professor of Medieval Studies who writes about the Apocrypha and Star Wars.

"Can I see the book?" Joel asks.

"No, I don't know you, and I don't take it out in public." Penis joke, har har. He has a digitized version with 10 gigs of documentation on a thumb drive that he wears around his neck, but Joel can't see that, either, as he is obviously a government plant: "Nice try blending in, you thick-haired, handsome son of a bitch." You think Joel is hot, Anton baby?

Scene 4: Joel needs that book, and is willing to kill Anton to get it, but he didn't bring a shovel.

Nerd Ryan approaches Eric, wanting to talk about the undead subject he's been posting about on the zombie subreddit. Uh-oh, Eric outed zombie Sheila! Joel is outraged! Was he posting to try to help the family, or "were you trying to win some nerd popularity contest?"

Scene 5: Joel approaches Anton at the urinal, tells him to stop urinating, and manhandles the thumb drive from him. Anton: "It's empty. I don't have the book. I made it up to give the people something to believe in." The government isn't even after him: he made it up to give his story credibility.

Suddenly Nerd Ryan emerges from a toilet stall. He works for the government as a necrobiologist, and he knows a woman who can lead Joel to the book! So, another fraud? He knows the details of Sheila's condition, so he must be legit.

Scene 6: Eric apologizes to Joel for talking about Sheila on his subreddit just to impress paranormal nerds. He explains that in his everyday life, he's invisible, but in the subculture he's important, someone people listen to. One expects Joel and Eric to hug at this point, but instead Joel helps him out by pretending to be a government agent who has tracked him down: "You're under arrested for knowing more than any one man has a right to!" The paranormal nerds gaze in awe.

Scene 7: Night. Joel goes home and talks to Sheila about a new clue to a cure. They kiss.

We cut to a woman removing a rat's heart. It is still alive afterwards. Nerd Ryan calls to tell her about Sheila's case. The end.

Beefcake: None

Gay Characters: I thought Abby was gay with the "Pussy Magnet," but she's straight, although played by the queer and non-binary Liv Hewson.

Eric displays no heterosexual interest in this episode, but he'll be dating Abby later.

Gay Subtexts: Everybody finds Joel handsome, but they may be intimidated more than attracted. Joel and Eric have the beginning of a gay-subtext relationship, but there is no physical contact, and no one besides Eric's mom treats them as a couple.

My Grade: Witty dialogue, no blood, but I dislike the casual amorality, and it's rather disconcerting to find so many gay references in a world where gay people do not exist. C.

Bonus: Potential Skyler, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends. It would be from around 2013, when he was 18-19 and playing one of Peter Pan's Lost Boys in Once Upon a Time, below. But I'm not sure that the conservative Jewish guy would be posting selfies.

Preston Oliver: Teen idol with four tv roles, two boyfriends, "Ask Me" Toney, and some nude costars

September 9, 2024, 8:42 am

≫ Next: Max Brumberg: Slovakian flute crafter, drag theologian, Russian-Austrian-Uzbek actor. With Uzbek dicks.

≪ Previous: Santa Clarita Diet, Episode 1.9: A medieval Serbian book, a gay subtext, daddy-twink porn, and maybe a Skyler dick

Link to the nude costars

I found Preston Oliver by accident while researching Ian Winningkoff.

According to the IMDB, he was born in 2006 and grew up in Las Vegas. He got bit by the drama bug in fifth grade, when he was cast as a pirate in a version of Peter Pan. Acting classes and professional representation followed, and, at age 12, his tv debut on two episodes of Chicago Fire:

As the troubled son of richster Bradley Boyd (Justin Belfi), he sts Dad's boat and garage on fire, is sent away for counseling, and is never mentioned again.

Less than six months later, Preston was cast in two episodes of This is Us, as the son of Kevin. played by Justin Hartley. It's a soap opera, so Kevin's character arc was very complex and loaded down with tragedy.

Then came an episode of Roswell, New Mexico as young Michael. one of the main characters, who abandons a relationship with a man to fall in love with a woman. I don't know if he's bisexual, or got "cured" of being gay. He's played by Michael Vlamis.

Preston's big break came in the Disney Channel's Secrets of Sulphur Springs, about a boy and a girl solving mysteries involving time travel.

More Preston after the break

It ended in 2023, after three seasons. He stayed friends with his tv brother, played by Landon Gordon.

And with this guy.

Preston has 95,000 followers on Instagram, 60,000 on Tiktok, and 1,000 on Facebook, all moderated by his parents, of course. He writes: "I love basketball, video games, and making people laugh."

Not many risque posts, as one might expect from someone who recently turned 18. When Preston visited Atlanta and depended on guide Toney, he or a follower -- it's hard to tell -- praised a massage, saying "Tony has what I need." I don't know if he really got a massage.

According to TikTok, Preston is dating Kyleigh Curran, so chances are he's straight, or gay and not out yet. One may question this buddy pic, though.

I didn't look for any nudes, since the guy has only been over 18 for a few months, but you can make do with teen idol cuteness.

↧

Max Brumberg: Slovakian flute crafter, drag theologian, Russian-Austrian-Uzbek actor. With Uzbek dicks.

September 10, 2024, 2:19 am

≫ Next: Noah Centineo: The Boyfriend of your Dreams, with five butts, three bulges, one penis, and no gay characters.

≪ Previous: Preston Oliver: Teen idol with four tv roles, two boyfriends, "Ask Me" Toney, and some nude costars

Link to the Uzbek dicks

I don't know what led me to the 2021 movie Play it Cool, with someone named Reggiemolo (Alex Jason Lee King) on a cross-country trip where he's mistaken for a criminal and meets The Girl -- the trailer shows them kissing a thousand times, so it's definitely a "no way!" But far down the cast list was a cute guy named Max Brumbaugh.

The name resonated because when I was a kid, there was a "haunted house" on my grandfather's property that belonged to the Brumbaugh family. So I decided to research him.

Rather a difficult task. First, his last name isn't Brumbaugh, it's Brunberg. No, it's Brumberg, with an "m," and there are a lot of Max Brumbergs out there.

1. Max Brumberg who makes flutes in the traditional manner, with traditional materials: "Each one is produced on an individual basis, just as in nature each branch grows as a perfect individual, it acquires its own voice by the craft of my hand." He makes Slovakian fujaras, Moldavian kavals, overtone flutes, double flutes, and many other types, out of his store in Sainte-Croix-Vallée-Français, about two hours north of Montpellier.

Another Max Brumberg is Max Brumberg-Kraus, he/him or they/them. They are the co-founder of the House of Larva Drag Co-operative, performing as drag persona Çicada L’Amour, producing both small acts and full-length queer peformance art, and a member of the ARC community: "a creative collaboration for theopoetics."

They graduated from the United Theological Seminary in 2020 with M.A. in theology and the arts, and with research interests in queer temporality, queer and feminist theology, cosmology, mythopoetics, ancient tragedy, midrash, embodiment, and reception theory. They're the author of The(y)-ology: Mythopoetics for Gay/Trans Liberation.

Then there's the grad student at the Institute of Russian History in Moscow, and his aroused cucumber.

From Linkedin, IMDB, and an article in Voyager, I've pieced together the life of Max Brumberg, actor. Of Uzbek and Russian Jewish ancestry.

Top photo: Uzbek guy

Fluent in English, French, German, and Russian. Not Uzbek?

Grew up in Vienna got a M.S. in real estate from Newcastle University in Britain and took a job in Real Estate Structured Finance Sales, traveling between Vienna, Belgrade, and Bucharest while acting in commercials and doing stand-up comedy.

While he was working as a manager at Saxon Bank in Zurich, Max realized that "something was missing...there was a void in my life." So he moved to L.A. and enrolled at the Stella Adler School of Acting.

So far he has only six acting credits on the IMDB:

More after the break

1. Play it Cool

2. Enver in the short The American Ambassador (2019), about the Armenian genocide

3. David in the short They Know the Way (2020), which he also directed, about a man and a woman on a boat.

4. An Uzbek soldier in one episode of The Old Man, with a retired CIA agent, Jeff Bridges,left, being chased by his agency and "his nightmares"

Left: an Uzbek guy.

Future projects:

5. Qusay Hussein in Guillotine, a documentary about guillotines

6. Hudson Guerero in The Cherriest Jam, about a "vicious mafia turf war"

Max's Instagram reveals no beefcake pics, but he's often shown with buddies. Here he is with JoshHK69. 69, har har.

So maybe he's...

Wait -- Max has a girlfriend? He's straight?

No nudity, no beefcake, only one movie, and he's straight! What a rip-off!

Could we get back to Max Brumberg-Kraus and the theopoetics of drag? Maybe they'll invite us to Hanukah dinner.

And get another Uzbek guy up in here.

Marcus Hodson: Shape-shifting demon or hyper-masculine Midlands model?

I Go to the First Gay Rights March in Iowa. With a Russian major.

↧

Noah Centineo: The Boyfriend of your Dreams, with five butts, three bulges, one penis, and no gay characters.

September 11, 2024, 3:01 am

≫ Next: Gemstone Season 3 Part 2 Memes: Kelvin dates, Keefe goes down, and that's not Jerry O'Connell's cock

≪ Previous: Max Brumberg: Slovakian flute crafter, drag theologian, Russian-Austrian-Uzbek actor. With Uzbek dicks.

Link to the butts and penis

I've used stills from Noah Centineo's j/o video as illustrations twice, but I don't know who he is, only that he filled in when Jake T. Austin left The Fosters. So, time to do some research.

He was born in 1996, and first appeared on screen with a kids' film, The Golden Retrievers, in 2008.

He appeared in three episodes ofAustin & Allie, the first Disney Channel teencom to feature a canonical gay character, but he didn't play the gay character.

More guest spots on teencoms like Marvin Marvin and Shake It Up, and then his first starring role, How to Build a Better Boy, 2014. He plays Jaden, the jock that science nerd Mae is crushing on, so she builds a cyber boyfriend to help win him. Matt Shively, left, plays her brother.

There's some rear nudity in SPF-18, 2017, but it's not Noah, it's Jackson White, a depressed musician. The focus character has to choose between Jackson and Noah, who is mourning the death of his father. It gets a 3.3 rating on Rotten Tomatoes, probably because it is advertised as a romantic comedy, but is actually a depressing angst-fest.

After 53 episodes of The Fosters, 2015-2018, Noah starred in To All the Boys I've Loved Before, 2018, but he's not the one loving the boys. He's the Love Interest of focus character Lana, whose letters to her secret crushes are made public, destroying her life.

In Sierra Burgess is a Loser, 2018, loser Sierra gets the help of the school's It-Girl to win the Boy of Her Dreams, Noah. It also stars Will Peltz, left, as Spence, the It-Girl's boyfriend who dumps her.

More after the break

Tagged, 2016-2018, features three high school girls being targeted by violent videos. The only way to save their lives is to find out who is tagging them, before it's too late. Noah plays Hawk, a girl's tutor who may know more than he says. Nick Fink, left, stars as Jake, who turns out to be...well, never mind.

A 2019 Charlie's Angels installment features Noah as Langston, assistant to the CEO building the evil Calisto Device. He is saved by the Angels and starts dating one of them.

In 2020 and 2021, Noah starred in later installments of To All the Boys, and in 2022 he appeared as the superhero Atom Smasher in Black Adam.

No gay characters anywhere, as far as I can tell, and straight in real life -- according to my research, he dates lots of women, but no men.

Fans thought he was coming out as bisexual when he posted a photo of him kissing his bud Chase Austin, but he responded: "embrace platonic intimacy," and took the photo down.

Most recently he has played Owen Hendricks, a young lawyer who joins the CIA in The Recruit. He might have a gay roommate, but his character is straight.

In an actor's profile, I check for five things. Noah seems a little lacking.

Gay Characters: None

Gay in Real Life: No

Face: Average, nothing spectacular.

Physique: Muscular, but not a bodybuilder.

Penis Pic: Not on screen. The most we see are underwear bulges. Off-screen, we have the one j/o video, but he didn't even post that. He was catfished by someone pretending to want a relationship, who then posted it without his permission. I'm not sure we should even be looking.

But being hung is nothing to be ashamed of, and it's bound to increase his popularity among gay male audiences.

Devon Werkheiser: Ned's Declassified gay panic, gay friends, a leaked j/o video, and a nude Nolan Gould

↧

Gemstone Season 3 Part 2 Memes: Kelvin dates, Keefe goes down, and that's not Jerry O'Connell's cock

September 11, 2024, 3:58 am

≫ Next: The Best Half of "The Half of It"

≪ Previous: Noah Centineo: The Boyfriend of your Dreams, with five butts, three bulges, one penis, and no gay characters.

Link to the nude photos

This is a series of memes -- jokes -- featuring Kelvin and Keefe of The Righteous Gemstones during their breakup, and a few random hunks. Most don't require you to have any background knowledge of the show.

1. Which Gemstone gets him as a birthday present?

2. No one misses you at all

Kelvin: Since you left me, everything is going great. No one misses you at all.

Keefe: BJ and I play pickleball on my lunch hour three times a week.

Kelvin: Well, I meant...

Keefe: Judy took me jewelry shopping yesterday.

Kelvin: She was just being nice...

Keefe: Jesse and Amber had me over for dinner last Saturday.

Kelvin: They never invite me over for dinner....

Keefe: Daddy Eli is taking me fishing next week.

Kelvin: Since when do you call him...

Keefe: Gideon invited me to a movie.

Kelvin: Dude, that's my nephew! Are you guys...

Keefe: Martin's kid has a music recital, and he asked me to...

Kelvin: Now you're just showing off.

3. You'l never get any action if you leave his ring on.

Jesse: I shouldn't have given them my monster truck.

Amber: Support Jesse in everything, no matter how stupid, or you'll end up alone, like Kelvin.

Kelvin: Leave his ring on or take it off? If I leave it on, guys will think I'm still marr..engag...a dude bro

4. Let your bi flag fly, Kelv Baby

Kelvin: Daddy said "No more workplace romances. They always blow up in your face." Well, this time I hired an assistant who I do not find attractive in the least! Taryn is nice and all, but no way would I...she's a fierce tumbler....and she's got a quirkly fashion sense...I love her laugh. We have to discuss the youth ministry, right? Why not over dinner at Luigi's?

5. Bi Boy from Barcelona

6. If things go well, maybe you can talk about cum later.

Kelvin: I'm going on my first date since Keefe and I broke up. Any advice?

Jesse: Stay focused. Don't talke about cum. Tell him who the fuck you are.

Keefe dating after the break-up after the break

7. Ask some of the God Squad.

8. Sometimes you just gotta blow something..or someone.

Robert Oberst said the same thing on his instagram.

9. Random Robert Oberst

10. Bert and Ernie figured it out, so why not Kelvin and Keefe?

Keefe: We were broken up. I thought you were dating Taryn. So when Joe Jonas introduced us, I asked him out. But I swear, I would never have invited you here tonight if I knew he was the headliner.

Kelvin: Did you have physical relations?

Keefe: No. He's a muppet.

11. This is not Jerry O'Connell's cock Probably.

See also: Gemstones Season 3 Memes, Part 3: A bare-butt massage, plowing, posting, and what kissing is for

Robert's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Burgers, bondage, butts, and the love of his life

Scream Queens: Glen Powell and John Stamos compare dicks at a sinister hospital

↧

The Best Half of "The Half of It"

September 12, 2024, 2:12 am

≫ Next: Karol Krauser, the First Superman

≪ Previous: Gemstone Season 3 Part 2 Memes: Kelvin dates, Keefe goes down, and that's not Jerry O'Connell's cock

Netflix gives The Half of It has a 97% match, based on what I usually watch. Shy, lonely outsider Ellie agrees to Cyrano de Bergerac dumb jock Paul by writing love letters to The Girl, whom Ellie is secretl in love with, too. The trailer shows Ellie staring folornly at the couple through windows a lot, playing the cello, bonding with Paul, and staring forlornly at the couple some more. The tagline: "Not every love story is a romance."

Scene 1: Ellie is,,, you know what? I don't feel like wading through all the "shy, lonely outsider" gay teen angst. Let's just skip to the beefcake.

1. Daniel Diemar as the dumb jock Paul. A Victoria native, he played Cole in the tv series Sacred Lies.

2. Dean Tierney, a New York stage actor, as Paul's Dad or brother or something. His only other screen credit is A Sip With Vodka: A Russian Guide To Becoming A Real Housewife And Making It In America (clever if there's not a lot of acting roles on your resume, make sure that every title is extra-long to take up space).

3. Cronin Cullen as another of Paul's relatives. Dumb Jock has a really hunky family.

4. Billy Thomas Myott as...you guessed it. Yet another of the Hunk Family. Top photo: his appearance in Damn Yankees (the one wearing a shirt).

More after the break

5. Wolfgang Novogratz as Trig, the entitled snob who the Girl is dating (does he have siblings named Geometry and Algebra?). He's the son of Robert and Courtney Novogratz, the design team who host By Design and Home By Novogratz.

6. Actor/martial artist Collin Chou as shy,lonely outsider Ellie's cash-strapped father, who starts a sausage-making business with Dumb Jock. He's been in some Matrix movies, Marco Polo, and a lot of movies where young martial arts students overcome tremendous obstacles.

7. Enrique Murciano as The Girl's Dad. He was named #7 in People magazine's annual Sexiest Man Alive list in 2006.

8. Spencer Wawak, the co-founder of the stArt Theater project, as Hangout Dude. It's not Ibsen, but it plays the bills.

9. Logan Riley Bruner plays One Person. He has a very impressive website, with dozens of pictures and video clips, but this is the only shirtless shot, from A Friend of the People (2015).

That's it for the beefcake, except for a few more Hunk Family relatives and some miscellaneous "Student in Hallway" types. I guarantee that this was more fun than slogging through the shy outsider loner gay teen angst.

↧

Karol Krauser, the First Superman

September 12, 2024, 2:14 am

≫ Next: "The Treasure of Foggy Mountain": Enough beefcake or queer codes? With a dick pic and a random Adam Devine butt

≪ Previous: The Best Half of "The Half of It"

The first Superman cartoons appeared in 1941, only three years after the Man of Steel first appeared in Action Comics. They were produced by the Fleischer Studio, which also gave us Betty Boop and Popeye. The Fleischers liked to work with real models, rotoscoping their movements to guide the animators, but for many years the model for the 17 Superman cartoons was unknown.

He turns out to be Karol Krauser, real name Karol Piwoworczyk, a young bodybuilder and wrestler. The Superman website and wikipedia give few other details, but I managed to find some newspaper articles about him.

He was born in Krakow, Poland in 1912, attended the Polish Cadet School in Gniezne and the University of Krakow, and then worked as a physical education instructor at the Zwiazek Strzelecki, Polish military academy.

At the beginning of World War II, he moved to New York and became a professional wrestler, dubbed the "Polish Apollo." His first recorded match is in Bridgeport, Connecticut, on February 24, 1939. By 1941, a newpaper article calls him the "popular Polish heavyweight champion.

He worked as a model for the Fleischers in 1939 and 1940, posing whenever they needed a muscleman, as in the Superman cartoons.

In 1945, Karol married female wrestler Zosia or Zoska Burska. The best man at his wedding was none other than Stan Laurel of the comedy team Laurel and Hardy.

Most professional wrestlers retire in their 30s, but in 1953, at age 42, Karol and Edward Bogucki began a tag-team act as the Mad Russians, Karol and Ivan Kalmikoff. During the Cold War, they became popular villains, winning several NWA competitions.

In 1962, Karol split from Ivan and teamed up with Eric Pomeroy, billed as Stan or Igor Kalmikoff. They appeared in several matches.

Karol died of a heart attack on September 12, 1964, after a match in Salt Lake City.

↧

"The Treasure of Foggy Mountain": Enough beefcake or queer codes? With a dick pic and a random Adam Devine butt

September 12, 2024, 2:38 am

≫ Next: Joe Gaydar breaks unwritten gym rules, some involving penises and bondage

≪ Previous: Karol Krauser, the First Superman

Link to the penis and butt

Please Don't Destroy is a sketch comedy group consisting of Ben Marshall (left), Martin Herlihy (right), and John Higgins (below), who have graduated from the short films of your dad's generation to TikTok videos. They were hired to write for Saturday Night Live in 2021, and their first movie just dropped on Peacock: The Treasure of Foggy Mountain. It's recommended by Adam Devine, but I'd have to subscribe to Peacock to see it, so I've been checking trailers, synopses, and reviews for gay characters, gay subtexts, and beefcake.

The plot: Like Adam, Anders, and Blake of Workaholics, the three play "themselves" as clueless dudebros who live together, work together, and haven't quite made it to adulthood -- which in movies usually means hetero-romance. Only Martin has a girlfriend. Ben wants to impress his Dad by being a business success, and John is content to play video games and drink beer. They decide to go on one last adventure, searching for a lost treasure, a bust of Marie Antoinette worth several million dollars.

On the way, they run afoul of a homicidal hawk (who becomes an ally), greedy park rangers, a gang, a cult, fireworks, fist-fights, and danger.

Heterosexism: Martin already has a girlfriend, and John falls in love with one of the cult girls. As far as I can tell, Ben stays unattached.

Gay Characters/Subtext: None that I could tell from the plot synopsis or reviews, but Bowen Yang, who plays the head cultist, is gay in real life and plays a lot of gay roles. There also might be a queer code in this scene of a communal bath: Martin and Ben are being soaped up by men, and John by a woman.

Beefcake: The guys are shirtless at least twice. Also, when they are learning to glide off mountaintops, with the help of their hawk buddy, John's suit busts open, and we see his penis swinging around.

More after the break

The penis shots are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Worth Subscribing to Peacock for: I already have access to Workaholics, and I've seen Adam's penis, so probably not. Maybe I'll watch when it drops on Vudu.

Bonus: Saturday Night Live alum Jordan Mendoza, who appears as Dylan

And a random Adam Devine butt

Workaholics Episode 3.7: Gay houseguests inspire the guys

Isn't it Romantic?: Adam Devine and Liam Hemsworth as romcom rivals

↧

Joe Gaydar breaks unwritten gym rules, some involving penises and bondage

September 12, 2024, 2:59 am

≫ Next: Studs from the Steppes: Twelve Mongolian musclemen, Uzbek boyfriends, and Kyrgyz cocks

≪ Previous: "The Treasure of Foggy Mountain": Enough beefcake or queer codes? With a dick pic and a random Adam Devine butt

Link to the nude photos

When Tony Cavalero was staying in Chicago, he got a hotel gym boyfriend, Joe Gaydar. Not his real name -- I don't post the real names of non-actors - but close. I imagine that the guy got a lot of homophobic bullying in grade school.

Joe works as a corporate health specialist, "Empowering Your Employees for Optimal Wellness and Unprecedented Success!" The all capped first letters was his idea, not mine.

But his main claim to fame is an entertaining Instagram, filled with humorous POVs:

"Old lifters vs. new lifters"

"Things we all do at the gym"

"When that guy at the gym keeps staring at you"

"When you see Hugh Jackman, aka Huge Jacked Man, looking like a chiseled Greek god."

"When you've already gone to the gym, and the day's main mission is accomplished."

And my favorite, "Breaking unwritten gym rules."

1. "I don't have to wipe down the equipment or put the weights away. Someone else will do that for me." I hate walking up to a machine and seeing someone's sweat or that disgusting disinfectant slime on it.

2. "Grabbed two different brand dumbbells. It's the same weight, right?" Definitely a violation of an unwritten rule.

3. "Even though it's peak hours, I'm gonna use multiple machines, because my workout is more important than yours." That's just being a jerk

4. "Let's load the plate with the logo facing in!" Absolutely unthinkable.

5. "I got a 45 and a 45. One's iron and one's rubber. Same difference, right?" Again, unthinkable.

6. "Looks like somebody left their stuff here. They can't be trying to reserve the machine, so let's move it." Wait -- you can't reserve a machine, unless you're standing right next to it. The guy who left his stuff there is the jerk.

7. "13 reps. It's ok to end a set on an odd number, right?" In all my years of going to the gym, I have never ended a set on an odd number. It just seems wrong.

8."All done with my set, so I'll sit here on my phone for 15 minutes." Sometimes I walk up to them and say "If you're just resting, can I squeeze in a set?", and they stare like I just grew a second head.

9. "I've got a big dick, so I don't need to use a towel in the locker room. Guys should be happy to get a peek." Not a problem, buddy: show your dick all you want.

More rules and a dick after the break.

10. "The order of the weights doesn't matter, so I can put the light ones on the bar first, right?" Looks weird, dude.

11. "I can't find another 45, so let's put a 25 and two 10s on this side. Same thing, right?" I've done that, but it's embarrassing. I feel like everyone is staring.

12. "Look, the squat rack is unoccupied. I can use it for bicep curls, right?" Wrong.

13. "He invited me home, so he must want me to continue flexing." That's one of mine: don't you hate it when you bring a bodybuilder or gym rat home, and they want to pose before bed?

Joe posts regular workout videos and beefcake photos, too.

And some general health tips.

Joe has a wife, so he's probably straight.

On the other hand, he thinks that Hugh Jackman is hot.

His dad is an evangelical minister from Russia, so he might not be gay-friendly.

On the other hand, preacher's kids are often into bondage.

Zev A: Tony's gym boyfriend, Phuket diver, ball player, grandson of a Hollywood legend.

Proper Gym Etiquette: Robert Oberst punishes those jerks you see at the gym

↧

Studs from the Steppes: Twelve Mongolian musclemen, Uzbek boyfriends, and Kyrgyz cocks

September 13, 2024, 2:33 am

≫ Next: "How to Die Alone": Airport hijinks, death by Umlaut, a gay hookup, DeShawn's cock, and three Lizzos

≪ Previous: Joe Gaydar breaks unwritten gym rules, some involving penises and bondage

Link to the cocks

When I was in about sixth grade, I bought an atlas of world history in the gift shop of the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. One of the maps showed the Khanate of the Golden Horde covering most of Eurasia, from Mongolia to Poland. Who wouldn't be fascinated by that?

Later I read The Empire of the Steppes, with Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun, and Tamerlane shaping world history, and did a research project on gay personal ads in Central Asia. I don't want to actually visit these places: endless steppes sound a little boring, and they have some of the most homophobic governments on the planet. But a quick look at some Central Asian hunks might be fun.

1. Mongolian wrestler, top photo.

Mongolia is not all nomads living in yurts. Check out the skyline of modern UlaanBataar.

2. Ulaanbataar fitness trainer.

3. Kazakh guy from Almaty. previously Alma-Ata, previously the capital.

4-7. Shirtless dinner in Koshetau, Kazakhstan

More after the break

8. Tatar sheep-wrangler from Kazan, which is actually in Russia, a 13-hour drive from the border of Kazakhstan. But he's cute, so who's complaining?

Monument in Dushanbe, capital of Tajikstan.

9. Tajik dude from Dushanbe.

10. Kyrgyz kotok from Biskhek, Kyrgyzistan.

Earthquake memorial in Tashkent, Uzbekistan, one of the worst places on the planet for LGBT people, women, religious minorities, journalists, and human rights advocates.

11. Uzbek soldier

12. From Azerbaijan, but I think his cock has been augmented.

Bonus: Americans visiting Irkutsk, Russia

Eight staunch Scotsmen with right proper stauners under their sporrans.

Balkan Beefcake: Twelve Serbian studs, hung Herzegovians, and Croatian cocks

↧

"How to Die Alone": Airport hijinks, death by Umlaut, a gay hookup, DeShawn's cock, and three Lizzos

September 14, 2024, 4:22 am

≫ Next: Gemstones Season 3 Memes, Part 3: A bare-butt massage, plowing, posting, and what kissing is for

≪ Previous: Studs from the Steppes: Twelve Mongolian musclemen, Uzbek boyfriends, and Kyrgyz cocks

Link to DeShawn's cock

I never understood this fear of "dying alone." You'll probably die in a hospital bed, with a lot of tubes in you, while doctors and nurses mill about, so problem solved.

It really means "not having a romantic relationship." But those things aren't for everybody. Emily Dickinson never dated anyone, and she is one of the greatest American poets. What makes you so special?

So I wasn't going to review How to Die Alone, but it's set in an airport, aka Hell on Earth, so there's bound to be some cancelled flight, over-enthusiastic TSA agent, and horrible one-rack bookstore nightmares. And gay characters -- we know that 90% of male flight attendance and 20% of male pilots are gay.

Scene 1: Melissa (Natasha Rothwell), a self-identified "fat black woman," is having a bad day: the plastic bag with her lunch splits open while she's on a moving sidewalk, she's tackled by a TSA agent; and she gets jostled on her job as an electric cart driver. And, when she hangs out with gay best friend Rory (Conrad Riccamora), she discovers that Alex (Jocko Sims. top photo and below ), a guy she dumped, is getting married in Maui! Did you expect him to mope around forever?

Rory wants to fly out and ruin the party-- "I've never broken up a straight wedding before" -- but Melissa is afraid of flying.

Their conversation is interrupted by Tina, "the one with the big titties," texting them that Lizzo is at Gate 6A. I don't know who he is. Melissa has a medical transport to do, but off they go.

Scene 2: They find Lizzo -- a woman -- at one of those Hudson News snack-and-trashy novel shops, and shriek "Lizzo!" at her. This convinces her to tell her companion that she "has the shits" and jump on the cart, and they zoom through the airport, shrieking in ecstasy.

Josh, the chunky redhead who works a food stand, sees her, shrieks "Lizzo!!!!", and jumps on the cart.

Who the heck is Lizzo, anyway, the sister-in-law of the show's head writer?

Scene 3: They arrive at the gate, where there is a giant apple and a lot of people walking away from their flight as "sultry R&B music plays." They all shriek "Lizzo!" and have orgasms as a muscular black man with a beard walks in slow motion toward them. Wait -- Lizzo is on the cart with them. Maybe they weren't shrieking her name, they were notifying her that the...um, actor? singer? sports star? was in the airport. This is the real Lizzo.

The two women want to have sex with him, but he's only into men, but not chubby "versatile bottoms" or femme "gaysians." He walks right past them, not knowing or caring that he is the man of their dreams.

Whoops, they're so busy gawking that they crash, and the giant apple rolls away.

Scene 4: Melissa in Human Resources, filling out an accident report. HR guy tells her to be more careful, or she'll be demoted to baggage claim.

Hey, HR guy is the ex-boyfriend who has invited her to his wedding in Maui! Small world! She pretends to be happy for him, although she's really roiling with anger; why isn't he spending the rest of his life moaning and crying?

He asks about her plans for tonight, hoping that she'll be lonely and miserable without him. Thai food and karaoke with her gay bestie.

Scene 5: In the Aerowest VIP lounge restroom, gay bestie Rory is wiping off the coffee that got spilled on him when they crashed, when male Lizzo comes in. Busy having an orgasm, Rory can't think of any opening line except "Nice shoes."

"Thanks," Male Lizzo says. "Saks."

Rory thinks he said "sex." "No, if I said sex, you'd know." Gaysian's gonna hookup with the singer? actor? chess champion?.

Meanwhile, Melissa is having a cigarette break out on the tarmac, when one of the luggage wranglers -- Keilyn Durrel Jones, left -- starts flirting with her.

Melissa is upset because she and Lizzo are both fat black women, but Lizzo has accomplished something, and she has not. Wait -- not a scene earlier, they identified a muscular black male as Lizzo, and before that a thin black woman. Is Lizzo even a real...um...singer/actor/model, or was he or she made up to confuse viewers?

Two other luggage wranglers appear, Deshawn complaining to Shaun about how much he hates his girlfriend or wife.

Terrance complains that smoking will kill you, but Melissa counters that she is a black person in America, so she'll be killed by the police long before lung cancer can develop. At that moment, a police car zooms by, and Melissa and Deshawn freeze, but neither is killed.

More after the break

Scene 6: Melissa is waiting for bff Rory so they can go to Thai food and karaoke -- he's bailed many times because he had a chance to get some dick, but tonight he's bailing because his wealthy Dad is forcing him to host a fundraiser. I figured he would have a date with male Lizzo.

Alone, Melissa hangs out in her happy place, a Swedish furniture store called Umlaut, and tries to flirt with the salesclerk. But he's oblivious, so she buys some stuff instead. There's a gay couple strolling arm-in-arm behind her.

She makes it home, fields a phone call from her overbearing mother, and assembles her new cabinet, ignoring the instructions that call for two people. As she stops to argue with a rat that's trying to eat her fried wontons, it falls onto her and kills her.

Scene 7: Melissa awakens in one of those teaching hospitals where the doctor is describing her condition to a large group of students. She was found by a neighbor, unresponsive. Her heart stopped for three minutes, and she has fractured ribs and a severe concussion. Wow, this show suddenly got dark. I liked it when they were chasing multiple Lizzos around.

With those injuries, you'd expect her to stay in the hospital for a week, but she's being discharged instantly. She calls bff Rory to pick her up, but he doesn't answer -- he's in bed with male Lizzo after all, har har. And she has no one else in her life, so...what about your ex? Or your overbearing mother?

Her hospital roommate gives her advice: there are three kinds of death. physical death; the kind where people stop caring about you; and the worst kind, when you stop caring about yourself. Melissa has had all three tonight, so it's time to start living again. At that moment, the roommate dies. I knew it. Melissa peeks beneath the sheet to see what she looks like, and vomits on her face. WTF? Disgust humor? When did this turn into American Dad?

Scene 8: Melissa calls her brother Brian (Bashir Salahuddin), but he's having dinner with his lady and discussing jazz at the Lincoln Center, so he doesn't answer. So that's another person in your life!

We cut to Brian finally picking her up at the hospital. He complains "Just once I would like to get a call from you, and it's not you needin' something from me." So Melissa's isolation is her own fault: people stopped caring about her because she stopped caring about them. They argue, and Melissa yells at him to stop the car. She gets out in the middle of Manhattan.

Scene 9: Melissa crashes a karaoke birthday party in a bar. The singer: "You're so special. I wish I was special, but I'm a creep."Hey, why isn't Melissa singing? That karaoke was just a tease! She pours out her self-pitying effluvia to the sympathetic bartender, who gives her more advice -- and her phone number! That's two strangers who are interested in you in two hours.

Scene 10: Melissa got the dead lady's stuff by mistake, so she lets herself into her elegant, book-lined apartment, noses around, and hugs her dog.

Cut to bringing the dog back to her own place, cleaning up, falling asleep, getting texts from the bartender and dumped guy Alex (left). She decides to go to the Maui wedding after all, but her card is declined, so she uses her hospital roommate's. Hey, that's fraud!

Beefcake: BFF Rory in his underwear.

On RG Beefcake and Boyfriends: luggage wrangler DeShawn is played by Christopher Powell, a thin black guy, but Google Images posts the dick of a muscular white guy.

Gay Characters: BFF Rory, the "versatile bottom," and Male Lizzo, but Rory is a retro stereotype, femme, flighty, unreliable, devious, and hypersexual.

Lizzo: A real person, a singer and rapper who has released a lot of albums and won 4 Grammies. A chubby black woman. So why did the writers tell us that Lizzo was a thin black woman, and then a muscular black man?

Melissa: Completely unsympathetic, feeling unloved when she has like a dozen friends and strangers keep hitting on her. And stealing a dead lady's credit card?

My Grade: This was actually two separate shows with tremendously different tones. B for the slapstick multiple-Lizzo airport show, D for the dark, dying and self-pitying show.

You're the Worst: A homophobic rapper hooks up with a gay stereotype

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Gemstones Season 3 Memes, Part 3: A bare-butt massage, plowing, posting, and what kissing is for

September 14, 2024, 12:49 pm

≫ Next: Zephyr Benson: The Son of the Most Beautiful Teen Idol of the 1980s

≪ Previous: "How to Die Alone": Airport hijinks, death by Umlaut, a gay hookup, DeShawn's cock, and three Lizzos

Link to the nude photos

1. Are those things real?

2. The proper terms are partner, boyfriend, and snuggle-bunny

BJ: It's Kelvin's friend

Gideon: Don't you mean dude bro?

Amber: Companion.

BJ: Best dude friend of a cousin?

Gideon; Boy toy

BJ: Kelvin's one fucking guy?

Amber: Special friend?

Gideon: Butt buddy?

BJ: His main man?

Gideon: Dude bro?

BJ: You tried that one already

Amber: His partner?

BJ: That's disrespectful to the gay community.

3. Throw in your penis, and we have a deal.

This is after the breakup:

Kelvin: Who wants to see us discuss getting back together as boyfriends while pretending that we're just work buddies to keep you guessing? No? Ok, then, who wants to see Keefe fondle my bare butt?

4. Ok, butt it is

5. Throw in your butt, and we have a deal.

6. How about giving Tony's dick a chance?

Adam: He was massaging my butt, and he was taking some liberties, 'cause when you have to show your penis on camera...

Tony: I waz just staying in character, Bro.

More memes after the break

7. Tiffany and Gideon "like" his posts

Kelvin: Well, time for church. Let's press foreheads.

Keefe: A forehead press? No kiss? What the fudge, dude? Your mouth has been everywhere else on my body.

Kelvin: Um...see, my family is right here...

Keefe: You know that I post on Instagram every time I suck your cock, right?

8. Random twink

9. Are we all clear on what kissing is for?

Fan: Is this the moment you realized that you're gay?

Kelvin: Please, I've known since I was twelve.

Fan: Well, was it the moment you realized that you're in love with Keefe?

Kelvin: We've been together for like eons. What do you think?

Fan: Well, was it your first kiss?

Kelvin: Um...in love? Together for eons? We kiss like twenty times a day.

Fan: Then what was the kiss for?

Kelvin: Dude, if you have to ask, your boyfriend is doing it wrong.

10. It was the 1970s. Everybody was bi

Baby Billy: I told Aimee-Leigh that I was bi when I was 15. Everybody knows. It's not a big deal. Your Daddy used to take me and my boyfriend fishing.

Kelvin (sarcastic): How very nice for you.

How would you like it if it took you 30 years to figure out that you were gay, and another three to come out to your family, and the very next day your uncle casually mentioned that he was bi?

11. "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?"

Kelvin and Keefe leave the tv studio after it is destroyed by a swarm of locusts

"As God is my witness, when I ordered the locusts, I thought they were flowers. Happy anniversary!"

"I don't care what they say, we're boyfriends, not girlfriends."

"So, want to stop for waffles?"

"It's not your fault. You didn't know it was St. Patrick's Day."

"Believe it or not, I've been on worse dates."

12. We all have that friend with no filter

Keefe: ...and Kelvin chafes real bad, so I bought him some sanitary wipes with aloe. They work pretty well. No more burning rectals, except when I get too aggressive during pleasures. What's new with you?

BJ: We...um...bought a new table for the foyer

See also: Gideon memes: Impressing a cute boy, the amazing technicolor dreamcoat, and his first fully clothed scene in three years

Gemstone future me mes: a gay resort, dog cousin's night, a demon in the sack, and "Who dreamed it?"

Gemstones Episode 3.8: Is Peter a woman? Are Kelvin and Keefe lovers? With a military fetish bonus

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Zephyr Benson: The Son of the Most Beautiful Teen Idol of the 1980s

September 15, 2024, 1:56 am

≫ Next: "English Teacher": Gay teacher, his ex-boyfriend, and his homophobic buddy face woke culture and get naked

≪ Previous: Gemstones Season 3 Memes, Part 3: A bare-butt massage, plowing, posting, and what kissing is for

What is it like to grow up with a father who was the most beautiful teen idol in the world, the source of gushing romantic fantasies for millions of gay boys and straight girls?

Of course, I'm talking about Robby Benson, teen idol of the late 1970s and 1980s. He appeared in some movies, but really, he was too beautiful to be a major star -- everyone was so busy swooning and sighing to pay attention to the plot.

He had a physique and a basket, too, but who noticed? We were busy imagining what it would be like to walk hand-in-hand with Robby through the rain, and share a brief, chaste kiss.

Oh, I hear laughter in the rain,
Walking hand in hand with the one I love

Sorry, I had a Neil Sedaka moment.What was I writing about, again?

Right, Robby's kids. It seems that Robby managed to find someone strong enough to come within five feet of him without swooning (Karla DeVito), so he married her...um...sorry, just imagining their wedding...kissing Robby Benson! ...and they had two kids, a girl named Lyric (born 1983), and a boy named Zephyr (born 1992).

Zephyr lacks the drop-dead gorgeousness of his father: his long, oval face is rather a turn-off. But he does have dreamy blue eyes.

He has the same slim, tight physique as his father, but not so tightly muscled.

He's an aspiring actor with 7 credits listed on the imdb, including more than one gay character.

His magnum opus to date is Straight Outta Tomkins (2015), which he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in. It's about a teenager who falls in with a drug dealer, and mistakes the mercenary attention for a real emotional connection.

Plus he tweets his support of marriage equality. What else could you want in the son of the most beautiful teen idol in the world?

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"English Teacher": Gay teacher, his ex-boyfriend, and his homophobic buddy face woke culture and get naked

September 15, 2024, 3:47 am

≫ Next: Gangs of London: A gay assassin, his boyfriend, a gay mafia son, some sex parties, and a lot of violence

≪ Previous: Zephyr Benson: The Son of the Most Beautiful Teen Idol of the 1980s

Link to the nudity

I spent the worst year of my life teaching English at Homophobe State University in Hell, aka a far northern suburb of Houston, Texas. The minute I submitted the last of the final grades, I got in my car and drove nonstop until that blessed "You are now leaving Hell" sign was receding into the distance.

So the new Hulu series, English Teacher, about an English teacher in small town Hell...I mean Texas...piqued my interest. I could relive how hideously horrible it was, from the safe distance of my living room a thousand miles away.

Score -- none of the promotional materials let on, but this English teacher, Evan, played by Brian Jordan Alvarez, is gay. Let the rampant homophobia begin.

Left: the worst place in the world

On RG Beefcake and Boyfriends, Brian Jordan Alvarez's cock, to take your mind off the horror.

Wait -- in English Teacher, everyone knows that Evan is gay. Not a problem. The problem is, he's kind of a jerk.

The much more woke students want to cancel him, for instance, because he said that he couldn't understand why lesbians aren't attracted to men. Lots of people aren't attracted to men, idjit!

In the first episode, a parent wants him fired, claiming that he turned her kid gay by kissing his then-boyfriend and current hookup, played by Jordan Firstman, in front of the class.

He has to prepare a defense for the school board, so he writes an impassioned essay on homophobia and gay rights, claiming that it was act of love between life-partners, and if he kissed a woman, it would be celebrated. But Dude is not totally blameless: in a flashback, we find that the kiss was not a little peck. There was grinding and butt-grabbing.

More after the break

Evan doesn't a chance to use his defense. His work buddy, Coach Markie, played by Sean Patton, is quite homophobic -- he calls Evan a "fruit loop" and figures that the kiss probably did turn the kid gay. But they're still buds, so Markie rescues him by blackmailing the mom: drop your grievance, or he'll out her son, now in college, to everyone in her country club.

Evan is incensed: he wanted to win a case for gay rights, not validate homophobic bias. But, Markie tells him, take your victories where you can.

The school board can't fire him, now that the grievance has been dropped, but they issue a proviso: he can never date any faculty member, or he'll be fired. That's the moment that the new hot physics teacher, played by Langston Kerman, starts flirting with him.

I wasn't sure who to root for in the first episode, but the second has more obvious equality vs. bigotry players.

In the annual powerpuff football game, the girls play football and the boys dress as cheerleaders. Everybody loves the tradition except for the LGBT students, who call it homophobic and transphobic, making fun of femme, nonbinary, and transgender people. If it were authentic drag, it would be ok. So Evan calls in a drag queen to teach the football boys about authentic drag.

The school board is incensed -- a drag queen grooming the kids! So they forbid drag at the game, but the boys perform a drag number anyway, winning everyone over.

Evan still makes a few faux pas. Asked to explain what nonbinary is, since as gay he "obviously" knows, he mixes it up with asexual and intersex.

The LGBT students want to cancel him because he left out one of the letters in LGBTQAIA2S (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, asexual, intersexed, allied, and two-spirit). But he can't help it -- in his day, you were gay/lesbian, straight, or bisexual.

Wait -- Brian Jordan Alvarez was born in 1987. He's a child of the 2000s. He can't use "old school gay" as an excuse.

Beefcake: Evan gets semi-nude. Chris Riggi, top photo, and Mason Douglas, left, play students.

Gay Characters: Evan and his ex-boyfriend are the only gay teachers. There are two LGBT students in Evan's book club.

Hell, Texas: It's actually Austin, a liberal enclave.

Will I Keep Watching: Not sure. I was expecting virtuous gay vs. homophobic straight, but the battle lines are all confused.

See also: School of Rock: Keefe in drag, a gay kid, a homophobic kid, and Demi Lovato. Also set in Austin, Texas.

Gemstones Episode 2.2: Kelvin clinches, Keefe dances, and everyone flirts with Eli. With proof that everything is bigger in Texas.

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Gangs of London: A gay assassin, his boyfriend, a gay mafia son, some sex parties, and a lot of violence

September 16, 2024, 3:58 am

≫ Next: Modern Family Episode 5.6: Gloria's crush on Adam Devine, Phil's three-way, and a nude Matt Risch

≪ Previous: "English Teacher": Gay teacher, his ex-boyfriend, and his homophobic buddy face woke culture and get naked

Link to the mafia dicks

In dramas about crime families, the youngest son is traditionally gay -- think Deran in Animal Kingdom, Ian in Shameless, and Kelvin in The Righteous Gemstones. So I'm reviewing the first episode of Gangs of London, on Netflix, to see if the traditionl continues.

Scene 1: An upside-down view of a cityscape. Telling us that this is an alternate world? No, it's a guy hanging upside down from a tall building, crying and begging Sean (Joe Cole, left) not to kill him. But he says "What choice do I have?", douses him with gasoline and sets him on fire. Soon the rope snaps, and the burning body falls. Kind of an overkill.

Scene 2: Irish Traveler Darren (Aled ap Stefan), who apparently works as a hit man, gets a new assignment -- "nobody, just some pedo," and invites his Buddy ( Darren Evans) along. They park, and Darren goes up the stairs to an apartment, where he waits to shoot the guy.

Downstairs, the Buddy has trouble from a group of toughs. Then Finn Wallace arrives! The hit is on the head of the biggest, most important, most brutal crime family in London! He tries to call Darren, tell him to cancel the job, he's not who they said, but it's too late, Finn Wallace goes upstairs, and Darren shoots him.

Meanwhile, his Driver Jack ( Emmet J. Scanlan) is terrorizing the Buddy. When he hears the shot, he runs to the car for his gun. All the Buddy can think to do is run him over.

Emmet's dick is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Scene 3: While Darren soaks in a tub, being horrified, the family gathers for the funeral.

We meet Family Advisor Alex (Paapa Essidue) and a little boy named Danny, who may grow up into a main character. The costumes seem a little quaint, so I'm thinking that this is all a flashback

They watch the guests arriving, wondering if any of them ordered the hit.

Scene 4: Sons Billy and Sean (Brian Vernel, Joe Cole) play Dad's favorite song, "Suzy Q," so loud that everyone is disturbed.

We saw Sean being brutal in Scene 1. Billy is the gay one, and a recovering heroin addict, naturally.

Left: Horror Hunks claims that this is Brian Vernel, but the one in Gangs of London is younger, with black hair

Family Advisor Alex advises them to not look for the killer, or they'd have a war on their hands.

More dicks after the break

Scene 5: The crime lords of London meeting, asking when they'll open the docks so they can start pushing their illegal product again. Family Advisor Alex explains that they have to deal with the matter of succession, maintain liaisons with corrupt cops, and so on. Besides, Sean yells, none of their businesses will continue until he finds out which of them ordered the hit on his father.

A female gang lord yells that it's obvious who did it: Dad was killed in one of Luanne's buildings, and his driver disappeared in his territory. His? I thought Luanne was a girl's name. It turns out that the male Luann Dushaj, played by Orli Shuka, is the head of the Albanian mafia.

Scene 6: Billy the Gay One is snooping around in his Dad's office when an older woman, maybe his Mum, comes in with a belt, helps him on with it, and tries to grope him? He bats her hand away, and she says "Not today, Billy." So Billy is regularly having sex with his mother, and she's angry because he's not in the mood on the day of his father's funeral? Give him some mourning time, Jocasta!

Scene 7: After the funeral, a police officer shows Family Advisor Alex security cam footage of Dad's Driver being loaded into a van. Henchman Elliot, played by Sope Dirisu, recognizes it as belonging to Besmir, one of the Albanians.

Family Advisor Alex orders his goons to go with henchman Elliot to the Albanians' pub and politely inquire about the whereabouts of Besmir the Albanian. Instead, they punch Elliot, rush into the bar, and start breaking heads

Scene 8: Elliot intervenes and destroys everyone in a fight sequence that lasts about five minutes He chases Besmir (Florist Bajgora) through the mean streets until he falls off a ledge and breaks his leg. He yells "Take me to him!", meaning Dad's abducted Driver. Just then, other guys show up carrying guns. The end.

The Netflix version is only 50 minutes long, but the version listed on the IMDB is 93 minutes long. These additional scenes have been postponed to Episode 2.

Remember Darren, who shot Dad in the first place? He and Buddy are hiding out, apparently sleeping in the same bed, when his own estranged Dad takes him to a new hideout, leaving Buddy to be killed when the gangsters burst in.

Henchman Eliot, actually an undercover cop, bursts into the hideout and kills everyone, but Darren is already gone.

Ed Dumani, Colm's advisor, kills the driver, Jack, to keep him from blabbing Colm's secrets.

Plot Twist: Billy the Gay One is actually the older brother, but he has been forbidden from participating in the family business because he is gay and a recovering heroin addict, and therefore too fragile for violence, so he doesn't do anything but hang out in gay sex parties presented as the height of immoral decadence, looking morose. Your brother lights people on fire and throws them off buildings, and getting a blow job is immoral?

When his friend dies of a heroin overdose, Billy springs into action: he's going to track down the gangster responsible, and kill him! Brother Sean advises him not to get involved, because, you know, he's gay and fragile, but we flash back to their childhood: Dad ordered Sean to shoot a guy, but he couldn't do it. So Billy picked up the gun and offed him. He's capable of even more violence than his brother! The end.

Beefcake: Some nude guys here and there, penises at the sex party.

Gay Characters: Darren has a gay-subtext romance with his Buddy, and doesn't appear to get a girlfriend before being killed. Billy has a swishy-queen boyfriend who appears in two episodes. A synopsis has him "starting a new life" with his sister and her daughter. Geez, isn't your mom enough?

Incest: Several subtexts.

Will I Keep Watching: Not if Billy turns straight.

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