Hialeah: Hispanic Beefcake in the Most Boring Town in America

The comedy series Hialeah (2018-) stars the mega-buffed Jordan Wall as a Jewish gringo who marries a Cubanita (Melissa Carcache) and moves in with her extended family (but fails to mention that they're married).  He's told by the mega-buffed Joel (Noah Mirabel), "You're not in Miami, ese.  You're in Hialeah."

The series is so bright and colorful, with so much superlative beefcake, that I wanted to look up the real-life Hialeah.





It's a Nevada-shaped piece of land about five miles northeast of Miami, squeezed between other suburbs.  In the 1920s it was a center of silent movie making, with a famous horse racing track and posh hotels that attracted the glitterati.  But the movie industry moved west.  Today Hialeah's main employers are retailers, health care, and public education.  It has a relatively high unemployment rate but a low crime rate.

It sounds like a paradise of Hispanic beefcake. Population 240,000, 95% Hispanic (mostly Cuban), 96% of the residents speak Spanish at home.

But it is also the fourth most conservative city in the United States, heavily Republican (Hispanic Republicans in the Trump era?  Go figure).   No gay bars.   It only had its first Gay Pride Parade in 2018.











Plus every photo of a guy has him standing next to or hugging a woman.

Hialeah has been  named the most boring city in the United States.  According to Trip Advisor, the top things to do are: the park, the mall, the antiques mall, the racetrack, a shooting place, another shooting place. a fish camp (whatever that is), and a movie theater.  I'm torn between yawning and running far away.

A drive down Main Street (aka 49th Street) reveals endless blocks of familiar chain restaurants (Olive Garden, Papa John's Pizza, Krispy Kreme Donuts, McDonald's, Burger King, KFC), banks, pharmacies, retail centers, and almost nothing that suggests a Hispanic heritage.  No street signs or building signs in Español.   There's an Arts District with space for local artists.

While we're looking up superlatives, Hialeah has also been named the city with the 4th worst drivers in the U.S. (#1 is Washington, DC).

Three high schools:
1. Hialeah (team: The Thoroughbreds)  No GSA
2. Hialeah-Miami Lakes (team: The Trojans).  No GSA.
3. Westland Hialeah (team: Wildcats).  No GSA

Plus Miami Dade College, Hialeah Campus.  No GSA.

Plus various charter and religious schools.  I'm interested in the Christ-Mar School, which doesn't mention God, Christ, or religion anywhere on its website.  Could Christ-Mar mean something else?  The website gives no explanation.






All in all, I think I'd drive the five miles to Miami, which is 70% Hispanic and has gay bars.