In spring (or Groundhog Day) a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of Tarzan: The Musical, dozens of high school, college, and Broadway-bound hunks stripped down to their loincloths, with painted-on abs and dreadlock-wigs, singing.There's a sappy "girls are the meaning of life" plot, but who cares? You'd have to stalk out the locker room after the Big Game to see so much prime beef.
Here are ten new Tarzans displaying their chests and painted-on abs, plus a couple of duds.
1. Boulder, Colorado performing arts center. Those abs almost look real.
2. Dumbarton High School, Pickering, Ontario. He's got "Future Homecoming King" written all over him.
3. Westminster High School, California. They overdid the long-long ponytail.
4. St. Michael's High School, Albertville, Minnesota. Future president of the University of Minnesota LGBT Alliance, I'm 99% certain. Or else treasurer.
5. University of California, Berkeley.
6. Severna Park, Florida. He seems a little young, but it's Children's Theater. Is having a cute boy take his shirt off the best way to brainwash gay kids into heteronormativity?
7. Wichita Falls, Kansas. The jungle is full of flowers. I can pick all I want. But...thanks?
8. Way to go, Capital Christian High School!By the way, this photo is not recent; it's from April 2013. Tarzan Zach went on to study at Homophobia U....um, I mean Liberty University, and after graduating in 2019, became a ministerial associate at Homophobia...um, I mean Bellevue Baptist Church. I imagine he doesn't want to become my Facebook friend.
9. Leavenworth High School, Kansas. I'm glad they dropped the dreads, and emphasize the boyfriend Tarzan has before Jane shows up. The one who teaches the Ape Man French using English words: D-O-G spells "chien."
10. Augusta, Maine performing arts center. I guess you would get a little dirty in the jungle.
11. Orem, Utah. Ugh. Just keep looking at the chest.
12. Troup County, Georgia. They overdid the ab paint, and I can see where the wig is connected, but the smile is irresistable.