The Disappointing Beefcake of "Animal Kingdom" (Not a Nature Show)

When I was searching for beefcake pictures of Joshua Cody of Santa Girl, about a thousand pictures of this guy appeared.  Another actor named Joshua Cody, with a respectable physique.But he doesn't appear on the IMDB.

On Reddit, someone posted this pic and asked "Are you on Animal Kingdom? I'm on Peaky Binders."  So this Joshua Cody must be on one of those.

I search for Animal Kingdom first.It must be a nature show on Animal Planet, like the Wild Kingdom of my childhood.

Nope.  The title is completely misleading: no animals (except for humans), no kingdoms, and it airs on TNT.  It's a drama about a crime family led by matriarch Smurf  (Ellen Barkin).

Joshua Cody must play one of her children.  And if he's got 10,000 shirtless and nude photos floating around the internet, there must be many more of the other mafiosi.  With visions of angelic faces, bulging biceps, and bulging bulges floating in my head, I check the list of Mama Smurf's boys:

1.Scott Speedman as Baz, who is  killed during a robbery in the second season.

Not exactly a gym rat. Rather plain, nondescript, the kind of guy cast as
lawyers and corporate suits.  I wouldn't go out of my way to meet him at a bear party.






2. Shawn Hatosy as Pope, who is mentally ill and spends time in mental institutions and churches as well as prison.  He's into Baz's girlfriend, and smothers her to death.

Ok physique, a little pale and waxy, but his face is grotesque.  I'm actively avoiding him at bear parties.









3. Ben Robson as Craig, who is a drug addict, "adrenaline junkie," and violent thug.  For instance, when his girlfriend overdoses, instead of calling 911, he ransacks her apartment looking for money and drugs.

Another pasty, waxy chest, gross tattoos, and a grotesque face.  I get that they wanted a drug addict to be less than gorgeous, but really, this is a bit much.










4. Jake Weary as Deran, a "former competitive surfer" who is gay.  He runs a legitimate business as well as participating in the family capers.

OMG.  At least they're not pandering to gay stereotypes.

 Question: how did the casting director get a list of my top 10 turn-offs?









5. Finn Cole as Joshua, Mama Smurf's grandson, who wants to take over the business.

His last name is "Cody" --  I finally found Joshua Cody!

 And Finn Cole turns out to be not grotesque.

His physique is nondescript, but at this point I'm happy just finding someone who can walk into a room without shattering all the mirrors.

Ok,  I get it.  The criminals were deliberately cast with ugly guys due to our stereotypic association of ugliness with evil: if they were hot, they would be too sympathetic.   But what about the rest of the cast?  There must be some hunks among them.


6. Spencer Treat Clarke as Adrian, Deran's boyfriend, another "former competitive surfer."

Lord have mercy, he's awful.  But he was cute as Jerathmiel on The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina in 2019.  How....

7. John Beavers as Jake, Craig's father, a former member of Smurf's gang, seen in flashbacks.

He's got some pecs -- again, of the pale, waxy variety-- but no tats!  And he's reasonably nice looking.







8. Grant Harvey as Colin, Pope's father, Smurf's former mentor, seen in even moe flashbacks.

Not bad.  Give him a smile and a nice bulge, and I might ask him out.









9.  Gil Birmingham as Detective Pearce, who has been trying to bring the crime family down for 20 years.  From the name, I was expecting a Brit,but Gil is actually a Texan of Comanche ancestry, and apparently former bodybuilder.

In 1982, he appeared among the backup boys in the music video of Diana Ross's "Muscles"






It's been 37 years, so you have to cut him a little slack, but I still have a 40" chest and 16" biceps. It's not that hard to keep up.








10. Rigo Sanchez as Manny. a member of Smurf's gang in one of the endless flashbacks.  This photo is from before he was cast on Animal Planet.  You don't want to know what he looked like as Manny.