"Klaus": A Silver Daddy, a Twink, and a Bagful of Toys

I'm not usually one for Christmas movies.  All tinsel and holly and heteronormativity. But Klaus (2019) promised a gay (or gay subtext) romance: 

Jesper (indie star Jason Schwartzman) is a 19th century entitled Generation Z twink.  Son of the Postmaster General of an unnamed European kingdom (probably Sweden), he deliberately screws up every job he's given, content to live it up on Daddy's money.  Finally Dad puts his foot down: Jesper must start a working postal service in the far-north town of Schmeerensburg, and personally stamp 6,000 letters, or he'll be cut off.



Upon arriving in Schmeerensburg, Jesper encounters Klaus, a gigantic hermit who makes toys.  He gets the bright idea of distributing the toys to any child who writes a letter requesting one, thus fulfilling his obligation and re-integrating Klaus into society.  Complication, complication, reform, and voila!  Santa Claus and boyfriend!  The stark, clear, homoerotic image of Silver Daddy and twink in a sleigh riding off into the future.

Yes, I do imagine what their bedroom activities might be like.  "So, Klaus, are you big...everywhere?"

But I've been fooled by gay teases before.  To be on the safe side, I watch the trailer.  No women appear except for the elderly crone Mrs. Krumm.

I read a few reviews.  No mention of hetero-romances, just the two guys.

So I start watching.  The animation is striking, like old watercolors;  the detail of a 19th century Swedish town amazing.

Dad mentions a few of Jesper's hedonistic pleasures: galas, music halls, no women.

So far, so good.

Mogens (Norm MacDonald) ferries Jesper to the island.  And hits on him.

So far, so good.

Schmeerensburg is a grey, rotting, decrepit old fishing village.  Crime, violence, and general creepiness are rampant. The children are Wednesday Addams-gloomy.  A bell rings, and everyone starts fighting.  Ring the bell again, and they freeze in place.

Jesper seeks refuge in a decrepit school turned into a fish shop, and meets...

The Girl.

No one mentioned a Girl!

Well, she does appear at the bottom left of the poster, but separated from Jensen. Maybe they're just friends.

I fast-forward to the closing scenes, to make sure.

Klaus and Jesper's  scheme of distributing toys in exchange for letters has turned the town around.  It's brightly colored now, and there's no crime (if you're naughty, you don't get a present).   Everyone is happy.

Jesper is married to Alva.   They have two children. They kiss.

You couldn't leave it alone, could you?  The pristine beauty of two men together wasn't good enough.  You had to separate them, throw in a heterosexual romance.

But what about Klaus? Surely he's gay?

12 years into the Christmastime toy distribution, Klaus hears a wind blowing, says "I'm coming, love," and vanishes (but continues to deliver the toys).

Razzle-frazzing hermit was mourning a lost wife all along!

Tis the season for gay teases.