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The Perils of Searching for a Non "Girl of His Dreams" Movie

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Over 400 movies appear in theaters every year.  Plus hundreds of indy movies made the film festival circuit and are now available on streaming service, which are all producing movies of their own. Dozens of choices every week.  Fortunately, it's easy to pair them down: a trailer, a plot synopsis on wikipedia, a few online reviews, and you can easily determine whether the movie features a boy finding The Girl of His Dreams.

For example here is what Amazon Prime thinks I will like, "based on what you've watched and more" (identity mining, perhaps?)

My Alien Girlfriend.  On the night of his bachelor party, Joe has an alien crash in his back yard.  He has to find a way to get her home without making his fiancee suspicious.  No trailer or plot synopsis available, but the cast list includes Blaire, Cindy,Susan, Diane, Janice....Next!



Blood and Donuts. A vampire (Gordon Currie, who looks ok without the long hair and fangs) awakens from a 27-year old hibernation, stumbles into a donut shop, and becomes embroiled in the lives of a cab driver on the run from gangsters and a sarcastic waitress, who turns out to be the Girl of His Dreams. Next!

Absolutely Anything: Aliens make a guy (Simon Pegg) omnipotent. Why not just call the movie "Omnipotent"?  He uses it to -- you guessed it -- win the Girl of His Dreams.  Next!






Stan Helsing.  Underachiever Stan Helsing (Steve Howey, who you may recall as the super-hunk on Reba, now super-ugly, with long hair, a beard, tattoos, and lots of disgusting rings), a descendant of the famous vampire-slayer, fights monsters, along with his best friend Teddy (Kenan Thomas), his ex-girlfriend, and a ditzy blond massage therapist.  Guess who broke up just sothey could get back together again? Next!












Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer.   Jack (Trevor Matthews), a plumber whose family was killed by monsters, runs afoul of a professor who turns into a monster. Plot synopsis is not helpful.  The trailer shows a girl running down the hall of a school next to him, but no kissing scene. I found Trevor Matthews on a list of "gay celebrities." And the poster (top photo) is appealing.  Maybe.

Welcome to Happiness:  Woody (Kyle Gallner) has a door in his apartment that leads to parallel worlds where people can undo their mistakes and get happy.  He can't go through and find his own happiness, though.  Until he meets....well, you know.  Next!

The Fuzz.  There are like 300 movies and tv series called "The Fuzz," but this one is about buddy cops, muppet Herbie (David Fino) and human Sanchez(John Gabrus). Sounds good, but the trailer shows Herbie all over a woman.  Disgusting!  Next!

Voice from the Stone.  Jakob hasn't spoken since his mother's death (Oedipal issues much?), and believes that he can hear her talking from the stone wall of his room.  A young female nurse helps him and...do you need to hear the rest?...falls in love with his father. Next!

Wristcutters: A Love Story.  Zia (Patrick Fugit) enters a bizarre afterlife for suicides.  He and his friend Eugene go on a road trip to track down his ex-girlfriend. Instead he falls in love with Mikal, and they both come back to life.

Mikal is a boy's name.  Could he...nope.  Played by a woman. Next.

The Beautiful Fantastic. Girl on the cover. I don't even need to look up a plot synopsis. Next!

Always Will.  A high school kid (Andrew Baglini) discovers that he can change the past, and uses his power to win the Girl of....Next!

Natural Selection (2011).  A Texas housewife's world is turned upside down when she sets out to find her husband's long-lost son (Matt O'Leary).   The trailer shows a lot of his scrawny, dirt-encrusted body.

She's an evangelical Christian, and he's a Texas redneck, so I'll bet there are homophobic slurs on both sides. However, I'll also bet that they don't fall in love.  Maybe.

Young Adult,  A children's book writer returns to her home town to wrestle the Boy of Her Dreams (Patrick Wilson) from his wife.  She has sex with Matt (Patton Oswalt), who is disabled after being beat up in a homophobic hate crime (he's actually straight). No way.

My Mom's a Werewolf.  Mom has an affair with a werewolf (John Saxon), and gets infected.(This is 1989, the height of the AIDS panic).  Her daughter Jennifer and her best friend Stacey try to stop the curse. Also starring tv greats Marcia Wallace and Ruth Buzzi, and the teenagers don't date any boys.  Sure, why not?

That's 11 nopes, 2 maybes, and 1 ok.  Not a great record.  I think I'll stick to tv.

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