1. I am drawn to this extremely handsome, apparently buffed blond in a blue suit, who appears in a search for "Macomb swim team."
The site says: Macomb County Division 1 all-star sw, and swm dakota Colo all county.
Macomb, Illinois is in McDonough County. Who knew there was another one? But the guy is cute, and swm sounds like a personal ad (Straight White Male), so I click on the original article.
2. My screen freezes.
No, there's a Dakota Ridge, Colorado, about 15 miles south of Denver. Dakota Ridge High has boys' and girls' swim teams, but a search reveals only photos of girls.
Here are some wrestlers carrying a slingshot and a sword, with the byline "Valor defeats Foothills."
So I imagine they're especially courageous?
All I get is the Air Force Academy's swimming/diving schedule. One of their opponent is North Dakota/Colorado.
The Air Force Academy Swim and Dive Team's Facebook page contains 2,344 photos of the swimmers fully clothed and 1 photo of them in swimsuits.
5. Back to the other clue about the mysterious dakota Colo: Macomb County. Maybe I can do a search on local high schools?
It's on the shore of Lake St. Clair, just north of Detroit. The main town is St. Clair Shores, population 60,000 with 15 high schools! Who needs so many high schools? In Rock Island, population 50,000, we had one.
No way I can search all of them for someone named dakota Colo.
6. How about a search on Macomb County Division 1 All Star SWM?
That yields another article. It's clogged with "Care about your community? (Yes/No)", "Subscribe to Our Newsletter?", a video about a golfer, and various ads for cars, "Single Women Want to Have Sex with You", photo storage clouds, and Macomb Community College. But eventually it loads. It's just a list of 50 names of various swimmers from Macomb County.
Wait -- I found a Ricky Colo, Dakota. (Name changed to preserve the athlete's privacy.)
A search for the swim team of Dakota High in Macomb, MI yields the swim team of Duncan High in Duncan, Oklahoma, about 90 miles south of Oklahoma City. Four skinny guys standing on a "Second Place" platform.
I don't care anymore. I'm so frustrated that I take a screenshot, crop it, and blow it up to double size. Does any of them look like Ricky Colo?
8. I look up Ricky Colo on Facebook. There are three. The first attended Kittaning Senior High in Kittaning, Pennsylvania, which closed in 2015, and now works as a sales rep for a food company. Obviously not the right one.The second is actually the same guy with a different account, concentrating on his years in the army. It says "I'm orange on Saturdays and a Falcon on Sundays."
This is actually a photo of his friend. Ricky himself has posted no beefcake photos.
The third profile is empty.
No beefcake on his twitter feed, but here's a fully clothed photo.
Wait -- straight dark hair. dakota Colo has blond hair.
10. Back to the original article. This time it loads -- slowly. No, I don't care about my community. No, I don't want to subscribe to the newsletter. No, I don't want to meet Russian women who want to have sex with me.
The original image was mis-labeled. The blond guy is actually Aiden B. from Lakeview!
11, There are three Lakeview Highs in Michigan, but no doubt he's from the Lakeview in St. Clair Shores, Macomb County.Searching for "Lakeview High""St. Clair Shores""Swim team" yields a photo of the Linganore Lancers swim team in Frederick, Maryland, 500 miles from St. Clair Shores.
The team consists of 387 girls and one boy.
It's 5:00 am, and I'm tired. Here's a photo of a shirtless blond guy. Close enough.