How to Sell Drugs Online (Fast) and Annoy Every Gay Person in the World

In 2015, the German police burst into the Leipzig home of Max Moritz, and found320 kilos of drugs stored on shelves in his bedroom, plus 13,000 euros in cash and two hard drives detailing the transactions of a drug dealing empire.  The teenager was the biggest drug dealer in Europe, selling online through a website called Shiny Flake.

Sounds like a good story in there, right?  Netflix brought it to the small screen as the short series How to Sell Drugs Online (Fast).  But of course for...um...narrative purposes, the writers had to make a few changes.

1. Instead of booming cultural capital of Leipzig, Moritz Zimmerman lives in Rinseln.  There is no such town in Germany, but it's described as insular, boring, and depressing, where everyone wants to get away.

2. He has a best friend, who happens to be in a wheelchair.

3. He has some family issues.

4. He decides to sell drugs only in order to win the GIRL of his dreams (actually the GIRL who just dumped him). 

That's right, the most cliched, conformist, heterosexist, offensive plotline imaginable.

Hint: gay boys exist, and even heterosexual boys occasionally do things for reasons other than to WIN GIRLS.

Besides, you can't win A GIRL.  They're not prizes in a competition.  If a GIRL is not interested in a social relationship with you, leave her alone.

Who's responsible for this slap in the face of gay people and GIRLS everywhere?

I just ran through it on fast-forward, to see if there might be any beefcake or gay characters to partially redeem the mess.

Beefcake: None.  Nobody unbuttons a button.

Gay characters: No.

Gay subtexts:  Maybe Moritz and his best friend Lenny. 

Maybe.

One episode guide has Lenny  "confiding in a new friend," suggesting some gay-subtext buddy-bonding, but guess what -- the "new friend" is a GIRL.

Well, do the actors at least have a gay connection? .

1. Moritz is played by Maximilian Mundt, otherwise known for a few guest spots on German tv and Tigermilch (2017), about two teenage GIRLS who witness a murder (top photo shows Max and his buddies in another movie ogling a GIRL).

2. Lenny is played by Danilo Kamber, otherwise known for Die Pfferkorns, a long-running series about kids who solve crimes.  Two boys and three GIRLS.


3. Moritz's drug-dealing competitor, Bubba (who thinks of these stupid names?), is played by Bjarne Madel, previously the star of the humorous cop show Tatortreiniger (Crime Scene Cleaner, 2011-2018).  His character is straight, but at least he appears in his underwear.









4. Ruben Brinkman plays another dealer.  In the Dutch drama Feuten (2010-2013), about fraternity hazing, he plays one of the adults.  But at least he takes his shirt off.












5. Daniel Riffert, who The Girl is dating,  is played by Damian Hardung, also seen in the Italian tv series The Name of the Rose alongside John Turturro and Ruper Everett.  Maybe he plays the gay monk.

But he also stars in Das schönste Mädchen der Welt (2018), a retelling of the Cyrano de Bergerac story about a boy trying to win THE GIRL of his dreams.  And his demo reel is about a boy trying to win a Muslim GIRL.

Well, at least there are a lot of beefcake photos of Damian online.

6. Max Von Pufendorf has nothing to do with How to Sell Drugs Online (Fast).  But he popped up when I was searching for "Danilo Kamber""schwule." 

You could do worse. Like spend more than 5 seconds watching Moritz trying to win The Girl.