Wesleyan: Where Every Guy has an Enormous Penis and is BFFs with God

When I was in grad school at Indiana University, a very snooty young man in my dorm, a grad student in music with curly hair and an enormous penis, informed me that he had done his undergraduate work at Wesleyan.

Naturally I said "Wow, you're Wesleyan?  I'm Nazarene!  I almost went to Olivet.  Which Wesleyan college did you go to?"

This made him even snootier.  What kind of idiot has never heard of Wesleyan?  It's like being unfamiliar with the term money.  

It's not my fault.  The Wesleyan Church, a sister of the Nazarenes, has established a dozen colleges, and most have the word "Wesleyan" in their name. 

1. Indiana Wesleyan in Marian. 10,000 students.

2. Oklahoma Wesleyan in Bartlettsville. 1200 students.

3. Southern Wesleyan in Central, South Carolina. 1600 students.




4. North Carolina Wesleyan in Rocky Mount. 1500 students.

5. Kentucky Wesleyan in Owensboro. 1000 students.

Both the Nazarenes and the Wesleyans split off from the Methodist Church, founded by John Wesley, so there are lots of Methodist colleges named "Wesleyan," too.

6. Virginia Wesleyan in Norfolk. 1500 students.

7. Iowa Wesleyan in Mount Pleasant. 500 students.

8. Illinois Wesleyan in Bloomington. 1800 students.

9. Kansas Wesleyan in Salinas. 1000 students.

10. Dakota Wesleyan in Mitchell, South Dakota. 800 students.

(These are all students at some Wesleyan.  Who knows which one?)

It is not my fault that I'd never heard of Just Plain Wesleyan, in Middletown, Connecticut, one of the Top Colleges in the Country (but not as good as Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Swarthmore, Bowdoin, Claremont, Vassar, Smith, Amherst, and Cornell...)

I've learned about it since.

It's, like, selective, admitting only 15% of applicants, all with perfect SAT scores and perfect teeth, the men with lettermen's jackets and enormous penises. 
There are 3,000 students, all of whom will be valedictorians when they graduate.  They're all bffs with Prince William, Diane Arbutus, and God, they have a private plane for every day of the week, and they never have to go to the bathroom (check out the dorm rooms -- no toilets, just mirrors for primping)

Just kidding.

There are no required courses.  It's not like you have to prepare for a career anyway.  But there are 45 majors. My favorites are Integrative Sciences (14 faculty, 9 students), Romance Studies (13 faculty, 7 students), and Medieval Studies (8 faculty, two students).

There are 275 student run groups, including some very interesting service groups: the Bread Salvage Club (they collect bread donations to give to elementary schools), Clinic Escorts (escorting you from your car to the clinic door and back), and the Wesleyan Alliance for Generational Exchange (talking to old people).

Well, how else are you going to get from your car to the clinic door?

Lots of activities for gay/lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, ace, and otherwise non-cisgendered heterosexual people. 



Only 7% of the students participate in Greek life, but they're the campus movers and shakers, the glitterati of the glitterati.

Maybe that's why Wesleyan has the highest  sexual assault rate of all the colleges in the country, due to the rape culture promulgated by toxic fraternities.

The Indiana University grad student with perfect teeth and an enormous penis didn't belong to a frat.  He was just too good for God.