Finding a Nice Jewish Boy

Teenage boys and girls are always being told to find a nice Jewish boy.  Someone who is quiet, studious, polite, good to his parents, who doesn't complain about going to Hebrew school, who is preparing to be a doctor or a lawyer, or better yet a rabbi.  And, of course, who has biceps and a bulge of Patriarchal proportions.

Like Yoav Reuveni, star of the gay Israeli drama Snails in the Rain (2013).

But with Jews numbering less than 2% of the U.S. population, finding someone of adequate basket and studiousness, who is both gay and available besides, is rather like finding matzah brie in Tuscaloosa.  Your best bet is a Jewish school.  So let's look for the beefcake at the top 10 Jewish high schools in the U.S. 

1. David Posnack Jewish Day School, Davie, FL (southwest of Fort Lauderdale).  Home of the Fighting Rams.  "What is better, study or action?"  According to the Talmud, study.  So get busy.

 Aside from Judaics, you can take Mandarin Chinese, yoga, robotics, fantasy football, culinary arts, and whatever this is.    75% of the students are on a sports team..  Take that, stereotype of the non-athletic Jew.

Wait -- where are the photos of the sports teams?

2.Tarbut V'Torah Community Day School, Irvine, CA  (south Irvine, right next door to the generic fundamentalist Mariners Church). Founded in 1991 by Holocaust survivor Irving Papa Gelman.

"Tarbut v'Torah" means "Culture and Torah."  In spite of its name, it has been criticized for failing to prepare students adequately in studies of the Torah and the Hebrew language.

But, on the bright side, it sends students to Shreveport, Louisiana to help rebuild struggling neighborhoods.

3.Ramaz School, New York.  On 85th between Park Avenue and Lexington (ritzy!).  Named after Rabbi Moses Zevulun Margolies, influential Orthodox rabbi who addressed a crowd of 20,000 at Madison Square Garden in 1933, praying for the end of anti-Jewish persecution. He died in 1936, thankfully, before the Holocaust.

 The school he founded follows the principles of derech erech (appropriate ethical conduct), and menschlichkeit (altruism).

The sports team (Fear the Rams!), features basketball and soccer.

This is all very interesting, but I have yet to find any beefcake photos.  I want to see Jewish muscles.











4.Milken Community Schools, Los Angeles.  On Mulholland Drive in the super-ritzy suburb of Bel-Air. With 750 students, the largest Reform-affiliated Jewish high school in the U.S.  18 levels of Hebrew are offered, plus courses in robotics, theater, architecture, sports broadcasting, and Latin.  There's a Gay-Straight Alliance, plus a Dec My Room Club and a Stand Up to Cancer Club.







Athletics: Go Wildcats!  Cross-country, golf, equestrian, tennis,water polo, soccer, swimming.

Water polo?  Swimming?  Surely there must be beefcake photos.  Um...er...











5.Scheck Hillel Community School, North Miami.  Far north, almost in Hollywood, in a mostly Jewish neighborhood that also features 6 synagogues, a  Jewish Community Center, Levitt Weinstein Memorial Chapel, the Etzel Itzik Deli, the Shalom Haifa Kosher Restaurant, and a Chuck E. Cheese.

1000 students drawn from all over the U.S. and abroad (there's a big ESL program).  Clubs include Best Buddies (pairing you with a special needs students), Elderly Helpers Club, and Jewish Mysticism Club.  No physique-displaying sports.

Come on, you're only 18 miles from Wilton Manors, the West Hollywood of Florida!

6.American Hebrew Academy, Greensboro, NC, the only international Jewish college-preparatory boarding school in the world, drawing students from 31 states and 35 countries.

To Greensboro, North Carolina.  It must be good!

They offer over 60 majors, including creative writing, website design, Moot Beit Dein (applied Jewish law), sports medicine, Jewish leadership, Israel Advocacy, Biology, Physics, and Visual Arts, but the only language other than Hebrew is Spanish.

Clubs include the Four Corners Tzedekah Fund, the Madrichin Senior Prefect Program, the Aharai Student Ambassador Program, the Happiness Club, and a Gay-Straight Alliance.  I'm joining the last two!

Athletics.  Tennis, Cross-Country, Golf, and... Swimming.  Do I dare dream?




Um...the swimmers are mostly girls.  Here are some cross-country runners.













7. Yavnah Academy, Dallas.  Orthodox, 100 students.  I'm not going to bother searching.













8.Emery/Weiner School, Houston.  Wow, a Jewish school in Hell-fer-Sartain!  Progressive Judaism, not Orthodox, but still, no Gay-Straight Alliance.  Known for its required fall and spring field trips, like to the Deep South to learn about African-Americans (isn't Houston already in the south?), or to San Francisco to learn about "innovation and inclusion."  Wait -- does that mean gay people?

Sports (Go Jaguars!): volleyball, baseball, cross-country.  Yawn.  They used to have wrestling, but the only photo I could find was from the middle school team, 2014-2015.

On the bright side, these boys are now about 20 years old.








9.Frankel Jewish Academy, Detroit.  Actually in the suburb of West Bloomfield.  Established in 2000. Sports: Cross country, soccer, basketball...um...I lost interest.

10. San Diego Jewish Academy, "shaping the foundation of future thinkers," whatever that means. Founded in 1979, but no high school students until 1999.  Clubs include Friendship, Helping Hands, and Israel.  And Minecraft.  Athletics: golf, tennis, soccer, baseball.

All I found was this long shot.  I'll take it.




I guess nice Jewish boys don't show you their schtuppers until after you stand under that chuppah and break that glass.