The Beefcake of the Phantom Zone: Moriarty, New Mexico

Who's going to name a  town Moriarty, after the evil criminal mastermind in the Sherlock Holmes mythos?  It's like naming a town Lex Luthorville.  Do residents walk around twirling their moustaches and doing mwah-hah-hah laughs?

Turns out that Arthur Conan Doyle didn't invent them name -- there aren't a lot of Moriartys around, but there are some, like bodybuilder Steve Moriarty, actor Michael Moriarty, and the founder of this small town in New Mexico, Michael Timothy Moriarty.

I thought it was an Old French derivative of "death": mortis, morir, mourir, muerto, but it's actually from the Irish name Ó Muircheartaigh, "Seaworthy."

Still sounds like death.




 Moriarty, New Mexico is literally in the middle of nowhere: an hour or more in any direction from the nearest town (Alburquerque is only 40 miles away, but you have to cross a mountain range to get there).

Once you get to Moriarty, you're as trapped as General Zod in the Phantom Zone, so you might as well make the best of it.

Restaurants:  Shorty's Barbecue, Double C Diner, Wild West Barbecue, Lisa's Grill, Arby's.

Dig the Christian fish on the wall at Shorty's.  I'm guessing it's not gay-friendly.

Bookstores: None.

Churches: Crossroads Bible Fellowship, Upper Room Ministries, Baptist, Nazarene, Victory Faith, Harvest Family Fellowship, and Catholic.

Museums: DWI Museum of Perpetual Tears (sounds festive), Lewis Antique Auto and Toy Museum, Southwest Soaring Museum

Annual Events: A Pinto Bean Fiesta, the Heritage Rodeo, Pinto Pride (which has nothing to do with LGBT people).

Other: Fireworks stores, liquor stores, a flea market.

In other words, Amazon, online porn, and Netflix.

The only theater in town is at the high school.  Drama Club seems to be 90% girls, so if you're a boy, you're practically guaranteed a leading role.

Unfortunately, your costume may be a little less than flattering.

There's also a Gay-Straight Alliance, surprisingly, plus a Rodeo Club, an Anime Club, and a club called We the People.

The athletics page doesn't reveal what sports Moriarty High offers, or even the name of the team.  It just says vague things like "Moriarty High is proud to offer a variety of sports."

So I googled "Moriarty swimming,""Moriarty powerlifting," and so on, and came up with Travis Moriarty.








And Erin Moriarty, seen here with her costar in a 2013 movie.

















But no beefcake pictures of Moriarty athletes.  Here's the closest I could get: the backs of skinny guys doing wall push-ups.

That's life in the Phantom Zone.