By the time I realized the depth of deception in that cover, it was too late: the movie was playing, and I couldn't say "let's watch something else!" or leave. I had to bury my head in my cell phone for two annoying hours.
See, there aren't any giants, nor magical battle-axes. A girl named Barbara (Madison Wolfe), who is much younger than the cover art suggests. is crazy. She has created a whole elaborate mythology in her mind: a giant invasion is immanent, heralded by ghostly harbingers, and only the Chosen One (guess who?) can save the world.
And above all, don't go near the room at the top of the stairs. The most horrible, most frightening thing imaginable lives there.
If only there were a teensy bit of ambiguity, the slightest possibility that maybe, just maybe, the giants are real. After all, no one believed Alice about Wonderland or Dorothy about Oz, either.
But no, the movie all but screams at us from Scene #1: "THERE ARE NO GIANTS! THIS GIRL IS CRAZY! THE ONLY WAY SHE CAN GET BETTER IS TO GIVE UP THESE FANTASIES!"
Barbara isn't even a sympathetic crazy person, someone nice, caring. for instance. She rejects everyone who tries to reach out to her with a snarky comment: "Sorry, I don't have time for idiots like you! I'm busy trying to save the world!"
Actually, she's trying to destroy death. The giants represent death. The horrible, frightening thing at the top of the stairs is Barbara's mother, who is dying amid iv bags and drawn curtains.
That big reveal was broadcast in scene #1, too.
When Barbara finally meets a giant, it turns out to be as interested in restoring her to sanity as people in the real world. It delivers a long speech about how everyone eventually dies, and we should cherish each moment as a wonderful gift rather than worrying about the end. Then there's a smarmy song, and Barbara is ready to finally visit Mom on her death bed.
The only thing I liked about this movie was the girl power. Barbara doesn't get a boyfriend. Actually, there virtually no boys or men around at all. Instead, a girl name Sophie makes a number of overtures of friendship. Although rebuffed, she tries again and again, with the zeal of the smitten. Finally, in one of the ending scenes (I forget which -- there are so many, they just keep ending the movie over and over), the two girls walk off hand in hand. Lesbian subtext!
Here's the only boys: Art Parkinson in one scene as Barbara's clod of a brother.
Yeah, sure, in about 80 years. But we should savor every moment, right?
Except for the moments wasted on this horrible movie.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to look at Noel Clarke's penis.