Fall 1980: Tricking My Friend into a Date

Haldor and Friend

At the start of my junior year at Augustana College, I liked a member of the Bookstore Gang named Haldor (his real name, he was Swedish), tall, muscular, with a cute nerdish quality, especially his horn-rimmed glasses.  So I was pleasantly surprised when one day he took me aside and said, "You never date girls, and I never date girls, so why don't we team up?"

"Um...what?"  I assumed that Haldor never dated because he was too busy with the radio station, writer's club, and trying to read every science fiction novel ever published.  Was he gay?  Did he want to date me?

No such luck.  "Like a contest, to give us an incentive.  We make a list, and we each ask out every girl on it. Whoever gets the most dates by the end of the semester wins."

The last thing I wanted was a date with a girl. I was busy cruising at the levee and spending occasional nights with Dr. Burton and his handcuffs.  But I agreed.  Maybe I could turn things around and get a date with Haldor.

With one proviso: we compile the list scientifically, not based on the girl's looks (no discussions of female pulchritude).

We got a campus directory and wrote down every female English or Modern Language major at Augustana, presuming that a shared major would lend us some compatibility. Carefully worded inquiries and cross-checks of club memberships allowed us to eliminate girls who were seniors, in sororities, loose, who already had boyfriends, or who "one of us" had asked out before.

The research was a lot of fun. Calculating, cross-checking, tabulating at a little table in the student union snack bar, drinking coffee, my knee accidentally brushing against Haldor's, clapping him on the shoulder when he came up with an important fact.

Then we weighted in our own attractiveness on the dating market.

Fratboys

Augustana girls did not go on dates for fun.  They were trolling for husbands who could provide them with big cars, dinners at Jumer’s Castle Lodge, diamond watches, designer shoes, theater tickets, and vacations trips to the Greek Islands. So they evaluated potential suitors according to a strict hierarchy.
Level #1: Fratboys.

Level #2: Other Rich Kids.

Level #3: Poor Kids with Gold Mine Majors that would lead to instant wealth, like Business Administration.

Level #4: Poor Kids with Practical Majors like Education.

Level #5: Poor Kids with Head Case Majors, like English.  They were datable only as placeholders while girls were waiting for someone better.

Level #6: Losers.  Not datable at all.

Old Main, Augustana College

You could be promoted for having a car, an off-campus apartment, flashy disco moves, a wild-and-crazy personality, an arrest record, a Robert Redford smile, a Sylvester Stallone physique, or an awe-inspiring penis.

But you could be demoted for having a menial part-time job, regrettable leisure pursuits, a shy-and-quiet personality, goody-goody morals, a clock-stopping face, a fat belly, or a "Danish dick."

We calculated that I was Level #3 and Haldor was Level #4 (his penis pushed him up a level -- that was fun to check, too).

So in order to win, I would need 1.5 times the number of dates Haldor got.

We also made rules about when to ask (not Friday night -- that was reserved for Dr. Burton), and the activities we could suggest.  Then Haldor started at the top of the list and I started at the bottom, and we spent two evenings in November in my dorm room, calling and asking out 23 girls.

The results:
Wanted to be just friends:  Jeff 6, Haldor 10
Had to wash their hair that night: Jeff 4, Haldor 6
Holding out for a Fratboy: Jeff 6, Haldor 3
Just began dating someone else a few minutes ago, darn the luck: Jeff 3, Haldor 1
Laughed and hung up: Jeff 0, Haldor 2
Agreed, but wanted to bring their boyfriends: Jeff 4, Haldor 0
Agreed: Jeff 0, Haldor 1

We decided to count the girls who wanted to bring their boyfriends as .5 dates.  So my final score was 2, and Haldor's was 1.  I won a heterosexual dating contest!

But as a consolation prize, I invited Haldor along on my "dates" with the four girls who were bringing their boyfriends -- sometimes cute fratboys.

If dating always involved a girl who was just a friend and two other guys, I was all for it!

And sure enough, at the end of the "dates," I invited Haldor, and sometimes the boyfriend, back to my my dorm room to play Dungeons and Dragons,  and successfully convinced them to do...well, what heterosexuals do while thinking about girls.