I logged onto Grinder at 2:00 pm on a Thursday afternoon. 12 guys within a 3 mile radius were online; 2 hit me with a "hi!" instantly, and I estimate that about half of the others were into hooking up, but too shy to approach or away from their iphone screens at the moment.
The problem is, the hookups are instantaneous. In on-site cruising, you see and touch the guy before inviting him home. You talk. You feel out potential problems. In an IPhone App, you click on a picture, exchange a few texts, and the guy is on his way to your house. The time from clicking on his photo to knocking on the door could be as little as 20 minutes. .
You haven't had time to check whether he is under age, mentally unstable, high on something, carrying a gun, or not adept at personal hygiene.
He probably isn't. But he could be.
Here are 15 simple rules for having a safe, pleasant hookup on Grindr, Adam4Adam, Scruff, or other location-driven dating apps.
1. Early evening is best. As with on-site cruising, when it gets late, guys get desperate, drunk, and careless. You want someone in full control of his faculties.
2. A photo is a must. What are guys without photos trying to hide? Maybe an unappetizing appearance, but more likely they're skittish closet cases afraid that their boss might recognize them. So they'll talk, and fantasize, but never actually make it to your door.
3. Select someone who is not your usual type. The idea behind hookups is to be adventurous, experience new people, new things. If you like young, find someone older. If you like short, go with tall. If you've never been with someone with a nose ring, here's your chance.
4. Ignore the "I'm just here for friends" statements. Anonymous encounters are frowned upon in some social circles, so guys write those statements to present a positive face to the world. They may be looking for friends, but they're also up for hookups.
5. Talk for more than 50 words. I know it's difficult on a tiny IPhone screen, but hold a conversation. Discuss your work day, ask about favorite movies, complain about the weather. The more conversation, the less likely something's wrong.
6. Don't discuss sizes or scenarios. I hate the question "What will we be doing?" Guys who insist on a play-by-play in advance are too restricted, trying to meet a sexual fantasy. You can tell him about acts that are essential or forbidden, but anything more detailed should be left to the imagination.
7. Clean your apartment before he arrives. An unmade bed, a sinkful of dirty dishes, an overflowing clothes hamper will kill the mood.
8. Hide your valuables. You don't need to go on full lock-down, but any small, easily-pocketed items should be out of reach, just in case the guy turns out to be grabby.
9. Meet in a well-lit, well-traveled public place. This may be contrary to the spirit of the hookup app, but it cuts down on the awkwardness if the guy is drunk, sleazy, or otherwise different from what you expected.
10. If there's any doubt at all about his age, card him. Kids go on these apps all the time, and "He told me he was 18!" is not an excuse.
11. Hug him. Another no-brainer. Who doesn't hug before heading to the bedroom? But you have an ulterior motive. While you're running your hands over his basket and butt, you're checking for anything you don't want to be there. If you detect a suspicious bulge, back off.
12. Don't push him into the bedroom instantly. He's nervous, and besides, he just drove across town and climbed three flights of stairs. Give him a minute to catch his breath.
13. Bring condoms. Safe sex practices only!
Afterwards
14. Don't kick him out afterwards. If it's a daytime hookup, politeness requires that you offer him coffee or a snack. If it's a nighttime hookup, ask if he would like to stay over. It might be a pain to get dressed and drive home again. Or he might like to cuddle.
15. Say hello when you see him online again. You probably won't be hooking up again -- the idea behind hookups is new guys. But ignoring him will make him think that you didn't enjoy your time together. And you want him to tell his friends about you.
See also: 15 Rules of On-Site Cruising; and My First Grindr Hookup