NYSocBoy's Beefcake and Bonding

Whenever I go on Grindr, I get these pickup lines or variants a dozen times an hour:
1. "Nice pic" (everybody gets that)
2. I love older guys"
3. "I've been a naughty boy, Daddy. "

I hate being called Daddy. Maybe I'm 20 or 30 years older than you, but I'm not your father.

Ricky with a Y (he specified the Y even though I could see it on the screen) wasn't physically spectacular: in his 20s, a little shorter than me, with a handsome face, a hairy chest, not particularly muscular, a little small beneath the belt. But he stood out from the crowd by his lack of obnoxious cruising. We talked about The Walking Dead and the musical Titanic rather than the things he wanted me to do to him.

He found out that I was a college professor without making a stupid joke about requiring special after-class tutoring, wink wink nudge nudge.

He found out that my birthday was coming up without making a stupid joke about dinosaurs.

Nor did he call me Daddy.

So of course I accepted the date, for the Saturday after my birthday. "Leave everything to me. This is my town, so I know my way around. I'll give you an unforgettable night."

He picked me up at 6:00 pm in a very nice black convertible.

"This is my baby -- I've had her since college. You should have seen me tooling around Harvard Yard."

Ok, everybody I've known who went to Harvard was crazy. I waited to find out what Ricky's eccentricity was. Other than being Ricky with a Y.

We went to dinner at a place called Grille 26, where the prices were high and the food boring: scallops, pasta, steak.

And the craziness began. He psychoanalyzed everything.

"What do you do for a living?" I asked politely.

"Interesting that you would start off with the financial rather than my artistic or spiritual life. Do you feel dissatisfied with your own economic success?

"Um...I was just trying to be polite."

By the way, he helped run the family soft drink company, which was quite successful, with root beer, birch beer, and cola that was #3 in the state, after Coke and Pepsi. He also ran a mail-order company specializing in gay pride merchandise, and in his spare time he did financial consulting. And he wanted to talk about his artistic side?

"My favorite food is Thai," I continued, making small talk.

"Interesting. Is the food a stand in for the people? Fetishization of Asians is quite common in gay communities, I understand. They're stereotyped as soft and passive, easy to dominate, particularly if you're insecure about your sexual prowess."

"I'm not...i'm not insecure about my sexual prowess! I just like pad thai."

And on and on.

Why did I stay friends with most of my ex-lovers? Was I reluctant to let go, let the past stay the past, because I was afraid to face the future, the inevitability of death?

Why did I call my mother every week, but not my father?

Why didn't I allow my dinner companion to try one of my scallops?

Finally, after what felt like an intensive psychotherapy session, Ricky with a Y said "This has been fascinating, but we'd better be going, or we'll be late for the theater."

He had theater tickets? Great. Angels in America was playing at the college. But instead he took me to A Christmas Story: The Musical, about that kid and his quest to get a gun from Santa Claus, plus the lamp shaped like a lady's leg.

"Why does the lamp shaped like a lady's leg bother you? Is it the disembodiment, the objectification of women? Or does it make you doubt your own sexual identity?"

Then we went to an upscale dance club -- for heterosexuals.

"Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of. This isn't the homophobic 1980s. Why are you afraid to admit that things have gotten better for gay people? Does it threaten your raison d'etre?"

"Why are you Ricky with a Y?" I countered. "Is it so people don't mistake you for Ricki with an I, a girl's name? Are you trying to draw attention to your Y chromosome? Do you think that being gay makes you a girl?"

"Good point! But getting back to..."

By the time Ricky said "This has been great! Let's go back to my place!", I had been run through the emotional wringer a dozen times. I wanted to go home and curl into a fetal position.

But maybe a nice peaceful wordless sexual encounter would be a good antidote.

He had a modern apartment, all steel-and-glass, with plants and abstract art and leather furniture. We kissed for awhile on the couch, then went into the bedroom. Where the psychoanalyzing began again.

"Why do you have an aversion to anal sex? Is it because that's the iconic gay sexual act? Do you think that, as long as you don't top me, you're not really gay?"

I had to work very hard to avoid making a comment about his extra-small penis and extra-big car.

The full story, with uncensored photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.

Even though 30 years have passed, Peter Billingsley is still know as the kid from A Christmas Story (1983). You know -- the bespectacled 9-year old whose only Christmas wish is "a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass and this thing that tells time." Hardly anyone saw it in theaters in 1983, but it has become a TV tradition -- TBS usually mounts a 24-hour marathon -- so you've probably seen A Christmas Story as often as the much gayer White Christmasor It's a Wonderful Life.

I don't like it. There's a creepy lamp shaped like a lady's leg (that turns Ralphie on), a nasty bully, a borderline-abusive Dad, a gun as a major plot point, and no cute guys or discernible homoerotic subplots (although some of the cast has gay connections).

And Peter Billingsley has made up for it since.

In The Dirt Bike Kid (1985), a modern retelling of "Jack and the Beanstalk," the 14-year old Jack (Peter) is sent to buy groceries, but gets a magic dirtbike instead. He uses it to clean up the corrupt town, save a struggling hot dog stand, and become a town hero. He expresses no heterosexual interest; his main emotional bond is with Mike (Patrick Collins), the owner of the hot dog stand, though it falls short of homoromance.

In Russkies (1987), it's the heart of the Cold War, Danny (Joaquin Phoenix) and his friends Adam (Peter) and Jason (Stefan DeSalle) find a a Russian sailor, Mischa (Whip Hubley), washed up on the shore. Adam is obviously entranced by the beefy, bulge-laden Mischa, especially after he takes off his shirt at the doctor's office.

But it is Danny who acts as his friend and protector. He hatches a scheme to smuggle Mischa to Cuba, whence he could get back home. When the baddies shoot Danny down over the water, Mischa rushes to the rescue. Later, Danny rescues Mischa. Though the movie ends with Mischa going home, the experience changes Danny forever; it is his Summer of '42.

An anti-gay slur (this was the 1980s, after all), but no girls thought of or spoken of.

In Beverly Hills Brats (1989), Scooter (18-year old Peter) is ignored by his rich father (Martin Sheen) and bullied by his siblings, so he fakes his own kidnapping, hiring the bumbling thugs Clive (Burt Young) and Elmo (George Kirby). The thugs are hostile at first, but soon come to feel sympathy for the lonely Scooter. Again, an anti-gay slur, but no expressed interest in girls. Instead, Scooter tries to reach out to the thugs for emotional support.

By this point, Peter was starting to muscle up; in fact, he later played a high school athlete abusing steroids on an Afterschool Special.

Peter's characters didn't start ogling girls until Arcade (1993). By that time, his acting roles were becoming scarcer as he moved into production. He hasn't been involved in many gay-friendly projects, but he received a special thanks in the credits of the gay-angst Mysterious Skin (2004). For what, I don't know.

The toddler tv show Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood (1966-2001) arrived in Rock Island when we got PBS in 1971 or 1972. I was too old for it, but my sister Tammy watched, and sometimes I caught a glimpse while waiting for Cartoon Showboat.

The live-action segments I could do without: Mr. Rogers visits a nursery school or a bakery, or tries to put things together. But I liked the Neighborhood of Make Believe, a medieval kingdom with both puppet and real-life residents who weren't entirely maudlin.

The pompous King Friday XIII, whose rendition of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" became "Propel, Propel, Propel Your Craft," was the only resident to engage in heterosexual behavior, at least in the episodes I watched. He fell in love with a Southern-accented commoner named Sarah, married her, and sired a son, Prince Tuesday.

The other residents didn't display any heterosexual interest, and many had gender-atypical traits which allow for a gay reading.

The feisty Lady Elaine Fairchilde, who runs a revolving museum, flies in a spaceship to Jupiter, and calls everyone "toots."

X the Owl, with a Southern drawl and an affinity for Benjamin Franklin.

Daniel Striped Tiger, a tame tiger of French ancestry, neat, tidy, fashion-conscious, who carefully points out that his middle name has two syllables.

Not a lot of beefcake, but Joe Negri was cute (early photo, left), and Chuck Aber (top photo) had a muscular physique.

A Presbyterian minister before entering show biz, Fred Rogers was apparently tolerant of gay people but an opponent of gay marriage.

In 2012, an animated sequel, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, premiered on PBS. Set entirely in the Neighborhood of Make Believe (which has somehow become a tropical jungle), it stars the children of the original cast. Apparently Lady Elaine Fairchild and Daniel Striped Tiger were heterosexual after all.

But not X the Owl -- he's raising his young nephew, O the Owl. So maybe there's still a gay neighbor in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.

It was Christmastime, one of the years when I couldn't make it back to the Midwest, so I was even more depressed than usual. To cheer me up, my friend David dragged me to the Bear Party (for husky guys and their admirers) held every Saturday night in a house South of Market.

As we wandering through the upstairs lounge area, where guys were chatting and eating Christmas cookies and drinking egg nog to "Jingle Bell Rock," David exclaimed "Look -- it's Santa Claus."

The guy he pointed out did look like Santa Claus, except for the jeans and red suspenders -- in his 60s, tall, thick muscular arms going to fat, a chubby belly, a white beard, his chest covered with white fur. He was sitting on a leather couch, talking animatedly to a friend.

"Come on, let's go sit on Santa's lap!"

David was 43 years old, recently out, and anxious to try everything with everybody, but I was a little more picky,

"He's not into it!" I exclaimed. Some guys came to the Bear Parties just to socialize with friends. If you wanted sexual activity, you went down to the basement, where there were three rooms of mazes, mattresses, and dungeons. "Besides, my idea of Santa Claus is a little younger, with a bodybuilder's physique."

"Don't tell me you never fantasized about Santa sliding down your chimney!"

"No, I can't say that I have."

"Scrooge!" David dragged me across the room and knelt in front of Santa like a supplicant at an altar.

The rest of the story is too risque for Boomer Beefcake and Bonding. You can read it on Tales of West Hollywood.

In 1954, the six-year old Barry Gordon made the scene with a hit single, "I'm Getting Nuttin' for Christmas (because I've been nuttin' but bad)":

I broke my bat on Johnny's head;
I hid a frog in sister's bed;
I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug;
Bought some gum with a penny slug;
Somebody snitched on me.

Far more mischievous than Davis the Menace or Peck's Bad Boy of the 1920s, he was a humorous precursor to the threatened and threatening kids whom the adults would fear through the 1960s.

You couldn't have a kid miss out on Christmas forever, so they made him record "I Like Christmas" in 1955. He recorded several other singles and albums, with songs like "Rock Around Mother Goose" and "I Can't Whistle."

In the 1960s he made the rounds of tv guest spots: Leave It to Beaver, Davis the Menace, Make Room for Daddy, Jack Benny, and Love American Style (in the episode "Love and the High School Flop-Out"). Why is he sitting with his hands like that?

He made many movies, including Hands of a Stranger, Pressure Point, The Spirit is Willing, and Out of It (1969), in which a high school brain (Barry) buddy-bonds with a jock (John Voight).

He was nominated for a Tony for his performance in the Broadway play A Thousand Clowns (adapted for film in 1965), as a gay-vague teenager crushed when his free-spirit guardian (Jason Robards) caves to the establishment.

Barry never got to play romantic leads, but he played a lot of nebbishes, homoromantic best friends, and next-door neighbors in comedy and sci-fi. In voice work, he played Donatello in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the Nestles Quick Bunny, and the Honeynut Cheerios Bee.

More recently he has played an impressive line of lawyers, doctors, rabbis, and sundry authority figures.

After serving as the longest-running president of the Screen Actors Guild in history and running for Congress twice, Barry settled down as a radio commentator (From Left Field, Left Talk with Barry Gordon) where he gives his progressive viewpoint on everything from healthcare reform to gay marriage.

The Smallest Guys on My Sausage List

About 25% of the men in the U.S. are small, with 5" or less, but you rarely see them.

They hide behind a towel at the gym.

They don't go to bath houses or M4M Parties, or cruise for hookups.

Their dating profiles online say 7".

Once on the date, they'll make extra sure to win you over with their wit, money, or physique before even considering dropping their pants.

Here are the smallest guys I remember dating. graded by:
C: 4.5 to 5.5" (11.5 - 14 cm)
D: 3.5 to 4.5" (9 - 11.5 cm)
F: Under 3.5" (9 cm)

Remember, this is just one grade on their report cards. They might have a B+ for intelligence, a B for charm, a B+ for physique, and for bedroom performance, an A+.

And, to avoid embarrassment, I'm not including anyone who I am still in contact with.

College

1. Joseph, from the Gay Student Union at Indiana University. He was very popular, so we didn't actually date, but we did hook up the night we saw the ghost in his grandmother's house. C

West Hollywood

2. Dr. Bartan, the Most Conservative Professor at USC. It took me months to land a date with him. C

3. Chehay, the slim, soft survivor of the Pol Pot atrocities in Cambodia, whose drag queen Aunti Bopha cornered me at Mugi in an attempt to marry him off. C.

4. Ryan the Dwarf, with whom I had the worst date in West Hollywood history (not for that reason). C

5. The Bondage Boy with the Sweeney Todd fetish, who lived in Long Beach. He was into vore (fantacizing about being eaten). But he wouldn't have made much of a meal. D.

6. Ramon from Barcelona, of Chinese ancestry, but he didn't speak Chinese. He was, however, fluent in Catalan and a promoter of Catalonian independence. We had quite a heady political conversation for a hookup. C.

New York

7. The Unhung Hippie who talked nonstop, mostly trivia and nonsense. Yuri wanted to hook up with him, assuming by his height, hands, and feet that he was hung. I tagged along to make sure the hippie wasn't an axe murderer. Even worse: regrettable beneath the belt gifts. D

Florida

8. The Teenage Hitchhiker that David and I picked up. An 18-year old from Canada, he wanted to go as far south as he could before his freshman year started in the fall. C

9. The Guy at the Glory Hole at the Club in Wilton Manors. In a classic bait and switch, the penis at the hole was huge, but the guy whispering "Let's go back to my room" was not. He had rather a pencil stub. F.

10. Comic Book Guy, who liked to kiss on the couch, but refused to go further, until finally I insisted that I be allowed to spend the night Resulting in the discovery of his extra-extra small beneath the belt gifts. But that's not why I didn't see him again. F

11. The Firefighter in Dayton. Nicely muscular physique, disappointing beneath the belt. He said that guys sometimes changed their minds at the end of the date. D

12. Carlos who had 3 secrets. One, he was a superchub (his ad said "a few extra pounds"). Two, he had a hot boyfriend. Three, his sausage was so small that I couldn't even find it. F

Recent

13, The Transman and His Angry Inch. Turns out that I read this Philadelphia college boy's ad wrong. He hadn't transitioned beneath the belt yet. What he had was lady parts enlarged by testosterone treatments into an angry inch. F

14. My First Grindr Hookup. AKA the boy who had never been kissed. Other things, but not kissed. So that was all he wanted to do. I wondered if he was another Comic Book Guy, but he was just a little small. C.

15. Ricky with a Y, or should I say Ricky with a C. This was just a couple of weeks ago, but I'm pretty sure I won't be introducing Ricky with a Y to my parents or asking what kind of carpet he wants to install.

Uncensored photos are on Tales of West Hollywood

Drake and Josh (2004-2007) was a Nickelodeon teencom about two high school stepbrothers.

The scheming underachiever, Drake (Drake Bell).

And the shy intellectual, Josh (Josh Peck). He only started getting buff in the last season.

Like The Wizards of Waverly Place and The Suite of Life of Zack and Cody, the program was not shy about subtexts. While both dated girls, Drake and Josh shared a physicality, an emotional connection, and an exclusivity that would elsewhere mark them definitively as romantic partners.

And there was an even more overt gay couple.

Network censorship forbade the nerds Craig and Eric (Alec Medlock, Scott Halberstadt) from being explicitly identified as a gay couple -- not on a program aimed at a teenage audience -- but they were as open as they could be without actually Wearing a Sign.

They danced together at a wedding.
They went on a double date with a heterosexual couple.
They bemoaned the loss of their pictures taken at Niagara Falls (a stereotypic honeymoon destination).
They broke up, realized how much they care for each other, and reconciled (while Drake sang “Beautiful Dreamer").
In the series finale, the tv-movie Merry Christmas, Drake and Josh (2008), they were shown holding hands.

In a 2007 episode, Drake comes very close to saying the word "gay." In a feeble, half-hearted attempt to Be Discreet, Eric tells Drake, “Girls are nothing but trouble. That’s why we don’t have girlfriends.”

Drake stares at him for a long moment, a curious self-satisfied grin on his face. He is obviously dying to Say the Word. The studio audience goes crazy with excitement. Will they finally hear it spoken aloud?

It looks for all the world like the actor is trying to decide whether he should stick to the script or say something like "You don't have girlfriends because you're gay," and risk a reshoot.

But, in the end, he sticks to the script: “There are a lot of reasons why you two don’t have girlfriends,” leaving the viewer the option of pretending not to know what those reasons are.

Juvenile tv programs are often loaded down with hints and innuendos -- Even Stevens, Hannah Montana, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, and The Wizards of Waverly Place come to mind.

But we're still waiting for a program aimed at teenagers or children to break the silence.

1. White Christmas is not about Christmas. It's a backstage musical that just happens to end at Christmastime. Backstage movies were well-known for gay subtexts.

2. The songs are by Irving Berlin, who looked good in a swimsuit.

3. It's about two showbiz partners, Bob and Phil (Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye), who find their relationship threatened by women.

4. The women, Judy and Betty (Vera-Ellen, Rosemary Clooney), are sisters. At least, they perform as sisters, although their numbers would work well in a drag act.

God help the mister, who comes between me and my sister
And God help the sister who comes between me and my man!

5. Bob and Phil perform as "sisters," too.

6. Rosemary Clooney was a gay icon and reputedly bisexual.

7. Early in his career, Bing Crosby was the roommate of gay jazz musician Bix Beiderbecke.

8. Danny Kaye was frequently rumored to be gay or bisexual.

9. He played gay fairy-tale writer Hans Christian Anderson, whose psychiatrist coined the word "homosexual."

10. John Brascia was in the cast as a "special dancer." You can see his physique, and his bulge, in several numbers. As far as I can determine, he didn't have any gay rumors.

In 2005 after 20 years in gay neighborhoods, I moved to Fairborn, Ohio, a suburb of Dayton.

The Straight World took a LOT of getting used to. Everyone was closeted, so there wasn't a lot of dating going on --

"I have a family gathering that night that I can't get out of."

"Someone might see us!"

"Sorry, I was on my way out the door, when my friend stopped by, so I couldn't make it."

But there was an infinite variety of arrangements: friends with benefits, internet buddies, bondage buddies, "I have a free hour" boyfriends, shared hookups, parties, pickups, hookups.

Here are the 16 most creative arrangements:

1. Chuck the Straight Guy, a "friend with benefits" who came over when he had the chance. When I went to the emergency room and they asked me to call someone to pick me up, I was embarrassed that he was the only local guy on my contacts list.

2. The Bondage Boy in a Wheelchair. But I cruised online frequently. One day I drove all the way out to Kettering, 25 miles away, to hook up with an internet guy who said he wanted a bondage scene. When I got there, he was wheelchair bound. How much bondage could he get?

3. Clintin was a music major at Wilberforce University, a historically black college about 10 miles from Fairborn. When one of his friends spent three months in jail for protesting a homophobic skit put on by a fraternity, he transferred to Wright State.

4. The Huber Heights Horror. What happens when you talk to someone online for two hours, discuss your whole life history, hopes, dreams, goals, and aspirations? He must be the One, right? Then he invites you over. You drive all the way to Huber Heights, 15 miles away, and get...well, nothing much.

5. The Blind Guy. Bodybuilder's physique, gigantic beneath the belt, claimed to be able to tell your sausage size by listening to the sound of you urinating.

6. The Horseman's Little Brother. At the Horseman's Club in Amsterdam, where the membership was restricted to guys with Bratwursts or bigger, I met a guy from Suriname with a Kovbasa++++. Turned out to be straight, cruising for a birthday present for his little brother.

7. Charlie and Paul. Two closeted boyfriends, a high school football coach and an aspiring writer. Both terrified that someone might find out. Neither out to his "straight" roommate. Guess what?

8.Everybody was into bondage. I just had to drop the "b" word into my internet profile, and the messages would start filling up my in-box. Most were newbies asking for someone to show them the ropes, but not Roland the Math Teacher. His wife and kids had no idea that he had a dungeon in the basement.

9. Major Sausage Sighting! At a spiritual retreat, the Catholic priest in the bed next to me....

10. Visiting Yuri in London, I hooked up with the Emo Boy Who Refused to Leave.

11. And met Farshad, a French Moroccan Muslim, #16 on my Sausage List. I don't know which I found more attractive, his religion or his Mortadella++++.

12. The Bottom. A guy in south Dayton named Rode (really!). held weekly M4M Parties in his basement. He was a bottom, into nothing else, period. Until one afternoon we started kissing. And kept kissing. And kissing.

The full list, with nude photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.

Other than Burt Reynolds posing on a bear skin rug for Cosmo, this is probably the most famous nude photo ever: a frontal of Johnny Crawford, a Boomer icon for his teen idol songs and his role as the squeaky-clean, innocent kid on The Rifleman, no longer squeaky-clean or innocent, letting it all hang out for the swinging 1970s. It was used to advertise The Naked Ape (1973).

But no one has actually seen the movie, unless you went to the theater on the three days in August 1973 when it was playing.

The book The Naked Ape (1967), by Desmond Morris, attributes our behavior today to the evolutionary advantages of our caveman ancestors. Women are attracted to big muscles, for instance, because they were better for fighting off saber-toothed tigers, thereby enhancing survival. Men are attracted to big breasts because they can nourish infants better, thereby enhancing offspring survival.

Wait...not every woman likes big muscles, and not every man likes big breasts. Sometimes it's the other way around. Physical attractiveness is primarily a matter of cultural norms.

Anthropologists thought it was ridiculous, but the back-to-nature set grabbed copies as fast as they could be printed, creating the first anthropological bestseller since Margaret Mead's Coming of Age in Samoa.

But how do you make a movie out of an anthropological text?

Not very easily, apparently.

It seems to be about two college student (Johnny Crawford, Victoria Principal), who get all horny with each other and hang out naked, while a psychiatrist (John Hillerman) explains their behavior as cave-people grunting. There are trippy animated sequences. Robert Ito of Quincey plays a samurai. Davis Olivieri of The New Peopleis in there somewhere. Since it was produced by Hugh Heffner of Playboy, I doubt that there is any gay content.

In spite of the word "naked" in the title, The Naked Ape came and went instantly. Writer/director Donald Driver never wrote or directed any movie ever again. It received no play on tv, hardly any on cable tv, it's not on youtube or Netflix, and there's no DVD available. It's hard to even find a plot synopsis.

Maybe it's for the best. After seeing the nude frontal of Johnny Crawford so often for so many years, what movie could live up to the expectation?

You can see the uncensored photo on Tales of West Hollywood.

Many Boomer kids aren't aware that Johnny Crawford, the 1950s teen idol, star of The Mickey Mouse Cluband The Rifleman, the bodybuilder with full nude scenes in The Naked Ape, had a older and even more muscular brother, Bobby Crawford or Robert Crawford Jr.

Born in 1946, Bobby starred with Johnny on three episodes of The Rifleman, and in Indian Paint (1965), where the two play Native Americans. They get many semi-nude shots and, as a bonus, develop a quasi-romantic physical intimacy.

TV and movie magazines love brother acts, and soon Bobby and Johnny were being photographed together, often framing them as if they were a romantic couple. They released several albums together, including one entitled Pals.

But Bobby also had a solo career, with guest spots on The Donna Reed Show and Whirlybirds, and a recurring role on Zorro.

He was nominated for an Emmy for his performance on Child of Our Time, a 1959 episode of Playhouse 90, about a young boy searching for a home in 1930s France.

He starred in the Western Laramie (1959-60), about two brothers who run a stagecoach stop in the Wyoming Territory. His character idolizes the hunky drifter Jess Harper (Robert Fuller), and soon the two actors were seen out together in real life, "two bachelors" hitting the Hollywood hotspots.

Later in the 1960s, Bobby played an oddball outsider on Kraft Suspense Theater, a World War II French resistance figher on Combat, and a young man who idolizes his outlaw brother on Gunsmoke. His last small-screen appearances were on My Three Sons in 1968.

Moving behind the scenes, he produced The Sting (1973), The World According to Garp (1982), The Little Drummer Girl (1984), and other movies.

I still cringe just thinking about it.

Everybody was closeted in Dayton, so you spent a lot of time in online chatrooms, cruising for hookups, arrangements, friends with benefits, bondage boys, and maybe, occasionally, a real, actual date.

So I got used to online profile exaggerations: they're really 5 years older, 20 lbs heavier, and 2 inches smaller beneath the belt.

But really...

Brandon: 23, blond, slim swimmer's build, Kielbasa beneath the belt.

We talked online for over an hour, about movies, tv, art, literature. We had everything in common. I felt an immediate emotional connection. I was going to ask him out to dinner, but then he said, "Why don't you come over tonight?"

Well, it nearly midnight. I was falling asleep. What kind of date could we have?

But he insisted. I figured we would cuddle on the couch, spend the night together, go out for brunch the next day, a good old fashioned West Hollywood date.

"Sounds great! Come on over."

"Um..you don't have any parents or straight roommates hovering around, do you?"

"Oh, no, I live alone."

So I showered, changed clothes, and headed out the door at 12:30 am.

Brandon lived in Huber Heights, a ritzy suburb on the north side of Dayton, 15 miles from Fairborn. Down two deserted midnight highways. Then a crazy maze of subdivisions with inadequate street signs.

Finally, at nearly 1:30 am, I pulled into the driveway of his nondescript suburban house.

I walked shivering in the night chill across the front yard and rang the doorbell. It seemed extremely loud.

Brandon's father answered.

At least, it looked like Brandon's father.

The rest of the story, with uncensored photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood

Born in 1965, Jason Gedrick broke into show business with The Heavenly Kid (1985), a comedy in which the nerd (Jason) wins The Girl with a little help from a dead teenager from the 1950s (Lewis Smith). In the process, he bonds with the teen angel (and exhibits the usual 1980s homophobia), and shows off an implausibly buffed physique.

The actioner Iron Eagle followed (1986): avid video-gamer Doug (Jason) rescues his dad from Islamic terrorists, with a little help from an older pilot (Louis Gossett Jr.), who is distraught over the many kids that he has seen die over the years, and isn't about to watch Doug die, too. More buddy bonding.

Promised Land (1987): Davey (Jason) and Danny (Kiefer Sutherland) pursue an elite-working class friendship through high school and failed marriages.

Teen magazines paid some attention to him, displaying his dark, sultry pout and lean muscles.

Gay teens in the 1980s saw a pattern developing: his characters always had girlfriends but found meaning with guys.

The pattern continued in Rooftops (1989): a homeless teen named T, who lives on rooftops, has a girlfriend, but is also in love with a boy. When his boyfriend is killed by drug dealers, T vows to use his dance-combat skills to clean up the neighborhood.

The pattern continued in Backdraft (1991), with Kurt Russell, and Crossing the Bridge (1992), with Josh Charles.

And we saw more of Jason's body in the nude shower scene.

I lost track of Jason in the 1990s. He apparently moved into television, playing a college boy in Class of 96 (1993), a Hollywood star accused of killing a teenage girl in Murder One (1995-96), and an ex-con trying to go straight in EZ Streets (1996-97), plus significant roles Desperate Housewives, Luck, Necessary Roughness, and Dexter. I haven't seen any of them.

But in 2007, for old time's sake, I saw Jason in Kings of South Beach (2007). He plays Chris Troiano, a New Yorker who moves to Miami to escape the Mafia and start a new life. He opens a nightclub and takes bouncer Andy (Donnie Wahlberg) under his wing.

Andy is actually an undercover cop who must choose between his love for Chris and his job.

There is a palpable chemistry between Andy and Chris which almost moves from subtext to text.

Speaking of buddy-bonding tv, Route 66 (1960-64) was before my time and never rerun, so I've only seen a few clips on youtube, but older Boomers tell me that it was one of the gay-friendly lights of the early 1960s.

It starred clean-cut Yale undergrad Tod (29 year old Martin Milner, who had just appeared in a loincloth in the risque Private Lives of Adam and Eve). Tod -- not Todd -- and his boyfriend traveled around in a blue 1960 Chevy Corvette "in search of America," like Jack Kerouac before them.

His first boyfriend, Buz (not Buzz -- evidently the producers didn't care for last letters), was a streetwise former juvenile delinquent from Hell's Kitchen, played by 32-year old George Maharis. A 1973 Playgirl centerfold, Maharis was gay in real life.

After 2 1/2 seasons, Maharis dropped out, citing the grueling schedule and a bout of hepatitis, Tod quickly found a new boyfriend, haunted ex-GI Lincoln (30-year old Glenn Corbett, recently of It's a Man's World). A former Physique Pictorial model, Corbett was bisexual in real life.

They didn't stick to Route 66; they crossed the U.S. and Canada several times, surfing in Southern California, working on a lobster boat in Maine and a ranch in Wyoming, going to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, vacationing in Toronto. As usual in road series, they got involved in the private dramas of people they met along the way.

The buddy-bonding seems rather intense, and virtually none of the episodes involved getting girlfriends. However, there were little else for gay kids to watch:
1. Very few rescues (usually they were taken hostage together).
2. Insufficient beefcake, considering the number of bodybuilders in the cast (these pictures are from other projects).
3. And the series ended with Tod getting married, his youthful spirit -- and his same-sex romance -- giving way to heterosexual destiny.

But sometimes just an intense friendship is enough.

After Route 66, Martin Milner starred in the beefcake-heavy Gidget, Adam-12and Swiss Family Robinson (with Willie Aames). Glenn Corbett starred in The Secret of Boyne Castleand a few Westerns before moving behind the scenes. George Maharis had guest spots on many tv programs, performed in nightclubs, and pursued a second career as a painter.

In West Hollywood, New York, and Florida, sharing was commonplace. You rarely if ever made friends without seeing the inside of his bedroom.

But when I moved to the Plains, I encountered guys who expected Platonic friendship.

No bedroom?

Hank was in his 50s, a tall redhead with nice abs, a moderately hairy chest, and a gigantic Mortadella+ beneath the belt. He worked as an electrician.

His partner Wayne was in his 70s: a retired high school history teacher, a rather chubby bear, bald, white haired, with an impressively thick Bratwurst.

Ten years ago, they were both married with children, seeking secret partners on the downlow. They met at an outdoor cruising site, but the anonymous hookup soon turned into dating and romance. They divorced the wives, moved to the nearest big city (this was a big city?), and came out as a gay couple.

I invited them to the Metropolitan Community Church -- they hadn't known that gay churches existed.

When they invited me over for dinner later that week, I naturally assumed it was for dinner and sharing.

They lived in an old farmhouse out in the country that they were having "fun" remodeling: the whole upstairs was still unfinished.

While Wayne finished cooking, Hank gave me a tour of the rest of the house: living room, dining room, study, and two bedrooms in colonial American style, with tall chairs, an antique secretary desk, an old cupboard to hold the tv, and framed portraits of dour Puritan ancestors.

It was all rather boring, especially when Wayne went into detail about how they imported 9' grills for the grillwork, and redid the wainscotting around the landscaping and added .4 inch recessed bludgers with special prehensile bars and anodized aluminum pistons.

You've seen them at the gym, I told myself. They're worth a little boredom.

I was surprised when the tour took me out into their formal colonial garden. There was a modern enclosed redwood deck, with a hot tub. And a boy sunbathing nude on a lawn chair: slim, sandy-haired, smooth chest, uncut Kielbasa.

"This is Jimmy," Hank said. "He's renting our basement room in exchange for helping us remodel."

"Nice to meet you!" Jimmy said with the cruisy smile I always get from twinks. He reached up to shake my hand and almost pulled me into his lap. "Are you a remodeler too?"

"I'm a professor at the University."

"Cool, I'm a student. I'll sign up for your classes next semester. Maybe you can give me some...you know, extra credit assignments."

I've only heard that one about a thousand times before. But -- Hank, Wayne, and Jimmy? This evening was getting better and better.

But Jimmy didn't join us for dinner. "Oh, he doesn't want to hang out with us grandpas," Wayne explained. "He's a young guy, into dance clubs and bath houses, all that stuff we did 30 years ago.

Anyway, there was still Hank and Wayne.

Wayne's forte was cooking. He served chicken in an acidic tomato sauce over pasta, with tiramisu for dessert. I hated it, but still, I had to listen to every ingredient and the minutiae of cooking techniques described in detail.

No one ever has soda, so I brought Diet Coke, and had to listen to Wayne pontificate about how phenylalanine and aspartame would kill me.

Meanwhile Hank described how they built or refurbished the furniture with prehensile oak tachyons and tapestry lining from an old anchor basting wobble he got in an estate sale.

Still, sharing....

But after dinner came 1 1/2 hours of stories about remodeling, refurbishing, real estate, recipes, and pontifications about the evils of bottled water and Delicious apples. With no one making a move.

Toto, I don't think we're in Oz anymore.

Maybe we just needed the young guy as a catalyst. I invited them over for dinner, and specified "be sure to bring along that cute roommate of yours."

The three of them showed up with homemade cookies that Wayne made using a new recipe of grated fruit rind, plus molasses substituted for sugar and some peach pits that he got at a farmer's market last year dusted with nutmeg and cardamon, with a few dashes of coriander and spliced pecan buds for flavor.

Ok, ok.

After dinner, I invited them into the living room, where Jimmy sat next to me on the couch, and the other guys chose armchairs. We chatted, drank coffee, and Jimmy fondled my knee. I put my arm around his shoulders, pulled up his shirt, and ran my hand across his chest and abs. We started kissing.

I looked up. Hank and Wayne were putting their shoes on. "It's about time for us to be going," Hank said with a broad grin.

"Wait...um..."

"Oh, don't worry," Wayne said. "Jimmy brought his own car, so he can drive home in the morning. Thanks for a nice evening."

'Wait...um..."

And, having fixed me up with their roommate, they were gone.

"I thought they'd never leave!" Jimmy exclaimed, looking at me expectantly.

"Don't you ever...um...share with them?"

He laughed. "Are you kidding? I mean, I'd like to, but those guys are like in bed by 9:00 pm with warm milk. No sexual interest at all. I don't think they've done anything but cuddle for years, even with each other....so, want to take a shower?"

Dating a 21-year old does have some advantages.

The full post, with nude photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.

When I was a kid in the 1960s, I loved Harvey supernatural comics: Casper the Friendly Ghost, with his brave nonconformity to ghost society; Spooky the Tuff Little Ghost, who had a homoromantic back story; and Hot Stuff the Little Devil, who had homoerotic potential.

I didn't care much for Richie Rich, until he began bulking up in the mid-1970s, and I never bothered with the "girl only" titles: Little Dot, Little Lotta, and Little Audrey.

But I recently bought an anthology of Harvey Girl comics in the interest of completeness (I already had the other volumes), and in retrospect, those girls had a lot to offer.

No quiet, sweet, well-behaved "little ladies," they were intelligent, resourceful, and daring. They gleefully surpassed the boys in every masculine-coded activity, from playing football to catching crooks, and their adventures usually had a satiric edge.

1. Little Audrey was named after a series of 1930s jokes about a girl who got into a terrible, morbid, or dirty situation, then "laughed and laughed" before delivering the punchline.

She had an African-American friend, Tiny, a first in 1960s comics, and a working-class boyfriend: Melvin, who wore a spiked fedora and spoke Brooklynese. Middle-lower class friendships were often forbidden, lending their bond a queer subtext.

2. Little Lotta was fat, a compulsive eater, yet very strong and athletic. She had a small, eyeglass-wearing, feminine-coded boyfriend, Gerald, reminding one of the old blues song "Masculine Women, Feminine Men."

Some stories involved Lotta saving the day from bullies or Cooperstowninals, but mostly they were extended gags with the gay symbolism that must have appealed to preteen lesbians: Lotta's parents, teachers, or friends complain that she is inadequately ladylike so she unsuccessfully tries to "femme" it up. In the end they decide that she's just fine the way she is.

3. Little Dot had two claims to fame: an obsession with dots, and an endless proliferation of uncles and aunts, who took her on secret-agent and science-fiction style adventures.

In the 1950s stories, she had a boyfriend named Red, but by the 1960s, Red was forgotten, leaving Dot the only Harvey Girl who doesn't display any heterosexual interest. She is the most feminine-coded of the trio, however, interested in "girly" fashion.

Dot and Lotta were best friends; the two often shared a story as well as a bed, giving them a nice butch-femme lesbian subtext.

Quick -- which of the Culkin brothers is this?

Hard to tell, isn't it?

The Culkin Dynasty began with Home Alone (1990), a Christmas movie about a young boy (10-year old Macaulay Culkin) accidentally left at home when his family goes away for the holidays. The top film of the year, and the top-grossing live comedy of all time, it propelled Macaulay into child superstardom.

He grew up thin, pretty, and androgynous -- everyone assumed that he was gay -- with a heavy-lidded, world-weary, knowing expression that actors often use to denote depravity.

Who knew that there was a whole family of Culkins back home, including four boys who would all grow up thin, pretty, and androgynous, with the trademark world-weary, knowing expression. I keep assuming that they're gay, and going to their movies, expecting them to play gay characters. But they almost never do.

1. Macaulay (born 1980). No gay characters, but his Michael Alig identifies as gay in Party Monster (#6 on my list of the 10 Gay Movies I Hated). He's more of a pansexual, anything-for-a-thrill decadent who almost Finds True Love with a girl. Macaulay also played a handicapped decadent youth in Saved (2004), which has a gay character.

2. Kieran (born 1982). After a small part in Home Alone, he established himself as a talented actor, specializing in quirky indie movies like The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys (which sounds like it is gay-themed, but isn't) and Igby Goes Down (which sounds gay themed, but isn't; I walked out after seeing the homophobic portrayal of a bi drug dealer). Kieran also played the world-weary, knowing gay roommate in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010).

3. Shane, born 1986. Not into acting.

4. Christian, born 1987. Not into acting, though he played Kieran's brother in It Runs in the Family (1994).

5. Rory, born 1989. He's grabbing up all of the quirky indie movies that Kieran turns down, such as Mean Creek (which is about bullying but has no gay characters) and Chumscrubber (which I keep getting mixed up with the gay-themed Borstal Boy). In The Night Listener (2006), his character, who bonds with gay radio host Gabriel Noone (Robin Williams), should be gay but isn't.

Answer: Rory.

16 Florida Beach Boys

Wilton Manors, Florida was a lot like West Hollywood.
1. A small, constrained, concentrated gay neighborhood where you could walk anywhere.
2. Surrounded by homophobia
3. Ungodly hot.
4. Full of tourists.
5. And jobs that went nowhere.

But there was a big difference:

West Hollywood in 1985 was all about long-term relationships. No hookups. After two dates, you were a couple; after four, you were renting a U-Haul.

Wilton Manors in 2001 was all about right now. Hookups, sharing, a never-ending supply of dates.

There were a few long-term couples around, but it was much more common to date for a few weeks, and then move on.

Here are my longest Wilton Manors romances.

Just One Date:

1. The Brazilian Twink who turned out to be the drag queen Miss Chita Taboo.

2. Jack, the Grocery Store Clerk who thought he was a vacuum cleaner.

3, Andre, the Worst Date in Florida History, involving an alligator, an unfinished house, hustlers, druggies, and a lost wallet.

4. The Former Child Star who invited me back to his apartment to listen to his demo tape.

5. Jean the Violinist in Paris, who wouldn't let me touch his instrument.

6. The Jolly Green Giant, 6'10", bodybuilder physique, hands the size of typewriters, average beneath the belt gifts.

1-2 Weeks:

7. Janik the Frisian Bodybuilder from the Horseman's Club in Amsterdam, who invited me to stay in Friesland with him.

8. Sammy Blowfish, the son of my high school speech teacher, who invited me back to small-town Iowa. I only got rid of him by pawning him off on my friend Dick.

9. Comic Book Guy, who was attractive, passionate, and affectionate, but had bedroom practices that were a complete turn-off, plus a surprise beneath the belt.

10. The Urantia Book Devotee who took me to karate tournaments.

11. Randy the Pharmacist. I made the mistake of inviting him to a Hurricane Party for our second date, where he ran afoul of the rules of sharing.

12. Florian, the boy who cried Fabulous, so aggressively upbeat that I couldn't stand him.

3-4 Weeks:

13. Wade, the Real Beach Boy. How much time can someone with a fair complexion really spend at the beach?

14. Tom, the Log Cabin Republican. Yeah, very conservative, not up for a long term relationship. But did you see what he looked like?

1-3 Months

15. Stanton, the high school bodybuilder. We didn't have a lot in common, but my friends kept pushing us together. "You'd be crazy to break up with him! He's so cute!"

Over 3 Months:

16. Matt the Security Guard, a wannabe novelist with amazing beneath the belt gifts. Three months, from October to January, when I went home for Christmas and returned to be dumped for the 60-something Troy.'
'
This is the g-rated version of the post on Tales of West Hollywood, which contains nude photos.

Every Christmas from 1949 to 1975, and then again in the 1980s and 1990s, the comic strip Pogo had the hayseed denizens of Okefenokee Swamp singing a mangled version of "Deck the Halls":

Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., and Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower Alleygaroo!

Don't we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby, Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola Boola Pensacoola Hullabaloo!

Cartoonist Walt Kelly said that he chose that particular song because it was easily recognizable but not religious. His Pogo version became extremely popular, with a life outside the comic strip, broadcast on the radio, recorded by pop artists during the Golden Age of Novelty Songs.

But what about the lyrics? Fans clamored to know what they meant.

At first Kelly claimed that they were pure nonsense. But fans persevered, and in 1963 Kelly published a book listing several possible explanations.

None of them the right one.

Ten years after his death, his close friend, CIA Agent Wilbur Crane Eveland, was interviewed in a Pogo-phile fan magazine, and revealed the secret:

Prison slang.

Deck us all with Boston Charlie

Hang the prison guards up on the wall, so they won't bother us.

Walla Walla, Wash, and Kalamazoo

Names of prisons

Nora's freezin' on the trolley

Nora, the subordinate partner in a same-sex prison romance, is "freezin'", in solitary confinement, according to "the trolley," the prison grapevine.

Swaller dollar cauliflower, Alleygaroo!
???

Don't we know archaic barrel

Homemade prison booze

Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.

Has facilitated the romance between Lilla Boy (another subordinate partner) and Louisville Lou.

Trolley Molly don't love Harold

But not Molly, according to the prison grapevine.

Boola, Boola, Pensacola, Hullaballoo!

???

I wonder how mild-mannered cartoonist Walt Kelly, who was never even arrested, knew all of this prison slang. He was a language aficionado, so maybe he had reference books.

But why load-up his mangled Christmas carol with prison slang, including references to three same-sex prison romance?

In the 1940s, many prisoners were "prisoners of conscience," war objectors, political dissidents, gay men. According to Eveland, this was the liberal, gay-positive Kelly's shout-out to them.

Kelly included same-sex desire all the time in Pogo. Since his players were animals, it always slipped below the censorship radar.

In a long 1955 continuity, a male flea falls in love with Beauregard Hound Dog, and proposes marriage. Five years later, in a commentary, Kelly wrote "I guess it would have to be a female flea. That never occurred to me until now."

Way to cover your tracks! But Kelly kept making the same "mistake" over and over until the day he died.

See also: Pogo, the Gay Possum of Okefenokee Swamp

When I was living in Florida, I got cruised by a guy in the Publix Supermarket. He said he was a friend of my ex, Wade the Beach Boy. So naturally I called Wade to "get the dirt."

Wade said that he was very nice, with a very nice physique, but they were incompatible. He wouldn't go into details.

Intrigued, I accepted the date.

The rest of the story is too risque for Boomer Beefcake and Bonding. You can read it on Tales of West Hollywood.

Ricky with a Y

The Kid from "A Christmas Story"

Gay Neighbors in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood

My Date with Santa Claus

The First Bad Kid: Barry Gordon

Smallest Guys on My Sausage List

Drake and Josh and Craig and Eric

10 Gay Things You Didn't Know about "White Christmas"

16 Buckeye Bratwursts, Bondage Boys, and Sausage Sightings

The Naked Ape: Johnny Crawford's First Nude Scene

Bobby and Johnny Crawford

The Huber Heights Horror: The Worst Date in West Hollywood History

Jason Gedrick

Get Your Beefcake on Route 66

My Platonic Friends and Their Boy Toy

Lesbian Subtexts in the Harvey Girls: Little Audrey, Little Lotta, and Little Dot

The Culkin Brothers: Always Mistaken for Gay

16 Florida Beach Boys

The Surprising Gay Origin of Pogo's "Deck Us All"

Florida Beach Boy #2: Jack the Grocery Store Clerk