While filming A Change of Habit (1969), Elvis hears about the Moon Landing, and, upset that he's not going, decides to take out his frustration on some drug dealers.   His assistant Bobby Ray (Johnny Knoxville) tells him that Flyboy (Tony Cavalero), who hangs out in the studio parking lot, selling maps to movie stars' homes, actually sells cocaine.   His handler tells him that they still have scenes to shoot, but he rushes down to the parking lot.

Who is his cocaine supplier?  Flyboy doesn't want to say, because "snitches get stitches," so Elvis steals his clothes, ties him up in the back seat of his car, and siks his ape companionm Scatter, on him.  Faced with having his head bit off, Flyboy tells him.  

After some 1960s-style fighting and chasing, Elvis returns to the studio, where the agency head, The Commander, is setting up for a fake Moon Landing.  He had been planning to invite Elvis all along: "I had a whole thing planned -- drinks, snacks, a chocolate volcano, cuddles, watch the Landing together" Wait -- he wants to cuddle with Elvis?  But Elvis was so busy chasing drug dealers that he missed it.  Neil Armstrong is too coked out on Tang to perform,  so Elvis gets to do it after all!

Beefcake: Animated Flyboy in his underwear.

Gay Characters: No one expresses any heterosexual interest during this episode.

My Grade: Watching Elvis interact with historical events is kind of interesting, and there is a lot of homoerotic content. B.

Sounds a bit treacly, but it's in Flemish (IMDB says Dutch, but Flemish is a separate language).  It's Belgium, my third favorite country in Europe.   And teenage actor Mo Bakker posts shirtless instagram photos and has TikToks labeled with LGBT, so....

Scene 1: Santa Claus finishes up another run.  He lives in an ordinary apartment, not a North Pole workshop surrounded by elves.  Meanwhile, the depressed Jules and his family (Mom, Grandma, and little sister Norah, all blonde) drive through the snowy streets of the beautiful old Medieval town of Bruges, Belgium.  Jules covers his ears as they pass carolers singing a depressing Christmas song (I do the same thing!).

They arrive at the apartment, and start unloading the car.  Grandma continues to complain about this crazy plan of moving to Belgium.  Mom basically says: "My husband died, and we need a fresh start, so f*k off!"

When the neighbors, Ella and Steph (Wim Wilaert, left) drop by with Christmas cookies, Jules runs to his room and has a tantrum.  I get haitng Christmas, but aren't you overreacting a bit?  

I guess not: his Dad died last Christmas Eve.  He flashes back to Christmas Past:   Dad explains that the lights on the tree represent the sun, which is hidden during the winter but always comes back to us. Darkness never wins; there is always a new dawn.  The pagan roots of the holiday!  Genius!

Scene 3:  Breakfast.  Grandpa is going to babysit while Mom goes to work (at a cookie factory).  Jules resists -- that old geezer?  But he doesn't get a vote, so it's off to Grandpa's toy store (the boy doesn't want to spend the day in a toy store? Maybe he thinks he's too old?).  

A couple of customers come in.  The teddy bear is broken.  The puzzle has missing pieces.  What is this, the Island of Misfit Toys?  And the snow globe -- "Hands off!  Not for sale!  Get away!"  So why do you have it out with the merchandise?

When Grandpa isn't looking, Jules examines the forbidden snow globe.  Zap -- he's in Brussels!  Zap -- China, where he's almost hit by a car! Zap -- the ocean!  He loses the globe in the deep water and has to dive for it.  This is more exciting than I anticipated.  Zap -- to Santa Claus's apartment.  Wait -- those are pictures of him and his family.  Grandpa is Santa Claus!  And back to the toy store.

Jules confronts Grandpa, who denies it at first, but finally comes clean.  Then he goes to the other room and collapses (off camera).

Suddenly Suzanne gets a phone call: Grandpa Claus is in the hospital!  Farid offers to drive her.

Scene 5:  At the hospital.  Jules stares at Farid suspiciously: "Mom is replacing Dad already!  Can this Christmas get any worse?" 

Grandpa hurt his shoulder.  He's going to be fine, but the doctor says he has to slow down and avoid stress.  But when Jules visits, he starts complaining: He's Santa Claus!  He has a billion toys to deliver!  It's unclear whether Suzanne knows his secret identity or not.

Scene 6:  Mom has to go back to work, so she gets the neighbor, Ella, to babysit.  Ella is only 15.  Isn't that the same age as Jules? Is he going to get a heterosexual crush?   Nope, she just brings him a sandwich.

Scene 7:  Jules returns to the hospital, and catches Grandpa trying to sneak out. A hospital is not a prison.  You're free to leave at any time, even if the doctors advise against it. Jules offers to help deliver the toys (just this once), so Grandpa can rest.  He hates Christmas, but family comes first.  

Grandpa and the staff argue about whether to tell Jules the truth.  "He hates Christmas!  He'll never accept it!"  "He'll come around.  It's his destiny!"  It's tough being the Chosen One.

The toys appear in rows of glass cases, like an old-fashioned automat.  They search for each child's request and pop it into a bag.  Wow, Tommy wants a princess doll wearing a pretty dress.  How gender-neutral!  It seems like a time-consuming process, but they have several days, not just one night (that should be enough to do Europe).  They also deliver candy; feel free to sample all you want, not like that soulless cookie factory.  

Scene 9: Suzanne at work at the soulless cookie factory.  She calls the toy store; no answer.  Where could Grandpa and Jules be?  Farid drops by with bad news: cookie sales are way down, so the company might fold, and they'll all lose their jobs.  Gee, I wonder where this is going.

I'll stop the scene-by-scene there.

Beefcake: None.

Other Sights: Mostly the same street.

Heterosexual Romance: Suzanne and Farid, probably, but it's very understated; a couple of hugs, one holding-hands scene.  He could just as easily be a friend.  Jules bonds with Ella, but treats her as a friend, not a "girl of his dreams" crush.

Gay Characters:  When one of the little people comes to Jules' room to talk to him, she's surrounded by his GI Joe dolls (or a European version).  Two have their shirts off, one very prominent, the other in the background. The implication, obviously intentional, is that Jules removed the shirts of his GI Joe dolls to see their muscular physiques.  

Hating Christmas.  I understand that a Christmas-themed movie must result in everyone loving Christmas, but still, I thought that there should be some accommodation for those of us who don't like the holiday, or who don't celebrate it, like Farid.  

My Grade: A

Update:In The Claus Family 2 (2022),  Jules still doesn't display any heterosexual interest.  He speaks to Ella only once; her main job is to conspire with Grandma to try to push Mom and Farid together -- until we discover that Farid is gay, and has a partner (they even kiss). 

Update again: In The Claus Family 3 (2022), Jules still doesn't display any heterosexual interest.  A girl about his age is working at the ski lodge where the family is spending the holidays, but he doesn't give her a second glance.  

The 2023 tv miniseries suggests that it was a real railroad, a series of trains and tunnels run by an intricate bureaucracy. As Cora and her friends and love interests head north, pursued by slave-catcher Arnold Ridgeway, they encounter bizarre communities and have adventures that comment on the racism in the pre-Civil War South and the contemporary U.S.

I reviewed Chapter 1, "Georgia."

Link to the NSFW version

Scene 3: In the morning, the ladies tend to Cora's wounds, and Caesar takes her home. Later, his wife Frances says "I know about men like you. You sneak off in the night and roll around in the swamp with other mens on your back."  Ok, so Caesar is gay.  She's fine with it, but master brought them together to reproduce, and if they don't, Master Randall will cut off his dick, so get with your husbandly duties!  

Scene 4: Prideful (Lucius Baston), the black overseer, tells Cora that she's being moved.  She resists (I can't imagine why -- her new owner can't be much worse). 

Cut to James walking through the woods.  He's nice to a little boy named Hezekiah  then coughs and collapses. 

Cut to Terrence in the fields, telling the slaves that his brother James has died, so now he owns the whole plantation, and will stop being "lenient": no more parties, no more outside work, and he'll be overseeing the "breeding,"  Perv just wants to watch couples doing it.  He also wants to have sex with Cora.

Ridgeway advises Terrence to place some moles in the fields to rat out talk of escape.  An underground railroad has appeared to abet runaways. Terrence doesn't believe it, but Ridgeway asks him why some escaped slaves disappear forever, as if they've gone to a new world. An alternative reality with no slave trade?

 They discuss his biggest failure -- he couldn't capture Mabel who escaped long ago, when Terrence's father was alive.  Terrence avers that Mabel was evil -- even her daughter Cora is evil -- so his failure to find her is understandable.

Wait -- her daughter?  Maybe she knows something!  Ridgeway interrogates/ sexually assaults her. 

Scene 6: Terrence watching as Caesar (the gay one) tries to mount his wife.  Afterwards Caesar retrieves a book hidden under the floorboards: Travels into the Several Remote Nations of the World, better known as Gulliver's Travels. So the underground railroad does lead to an alternate world.

I skipped over that part -- a bit disturbing -- and fast-forwarded to Caesar and Cora escaping.  Fletcher (Sean Bridgers) takes them in, leads them to a cave, and enters their names in the railroad manifest. He and Caesar keep gazing at each other and touching each other -- boyfriends!  When the train finally shows up, Cora is standing on the tracks!  She's almost smooshed! 

Beefcake: Not much, and none from the black actors.

Other Sights: A lot of beautifully-designed shots of mystical country roads, vast fields, and characters immersed in half-light.  

Reading the plot synopsis of Episode 4, with the back story of young Ridgeway (Fred Hechinger), I get the impression that he is gay.  I may check later.

Heterosexism: Not in the first episode.  Terrence and his brother both appear to be unmarried.

My Grade: Very slow moving, with people gazing intently at each other for five minutes before speaking. We don't even get to the railroad until the last scene. C+

There are some bulge, butt, and rontal shots in the NSFW version on Righteous Gemstones Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Episode 1: "I Don't Want to Grow Up."  Ugh, are they going to present same-sex romance as something you grow out of to pursue a "real" grown-up heterosexual romance?

Scene 2: Time for school, so they skateboard through Asphodel Heights (get it?  it's the flower of the underworld) and arrive ten minutes late.  The teacher makes them re-do the assignment.  They grin at the new girl, Violetta.  Uh-oh, a Love Interest, but at least she's not walking in slow motion, hair blowing in the wind.

Scene 3: Out in the hallway, they're accosted by bullies, but at least no one makes a homophobic slur: Mapplethorpe is called "rat-licker" and "bleached brains."

On to a mountain overlook.  Chester wants to move to Melbourne, where they won't be laughed at all the time.  Maphethorpe counters that they have everything they need in Asphodel Heights: a butt-tree (what do they do to it?), a Pride Rock (nothing gay-specific about it), and an Ambiguous Pole (it's actually called nonbinary).  We're getting some gay references that you'll only catch if you're looking for them.  

Scene 4:   Hanging on each other, the guys stand at the entrance of Crazy Fun Park, which opened way, way back in the Dark Ages (1979!), and closed after some accidental deaths.  They've never had the nerve to go inside (through a scary demon mouth?  I wouldn't, either).  Suddenly they encounter Violetta (naturally), who belongs to a club that photographs abandoned structures.  This is all a tease; One of the guys is going to fall in love with her, guaranteed.

Scene 5: The inside: a roller coaster, a ferris wheel, a merry-go-round, and a parody of famous statue of Walt Disney with Mickey Mouse (if you look from the right angle, Walt has an erection).  

Uh-oh, the fortune-telling machine lights up!  But the park has no electricity.  I'd be running, but they stick around. Mapplethorpe reads his fortune-card, but won't tell the others what it says.  A spider causes them to run screaming from the park.

She invites them inside to help her develop the pictures she took yesterday, but she can't find her film roll.  Besides, Mapplethorpe is scared, so Chester hangs all over him, and they leave.

Scene 7:  Split screen of the guys going home, greeting their parents, and texting each other about asking Violetta to help them write their horror comic.  Mapplethorpe is against it. Chester; "You didn't have to be so rude to her today."Well, he was jealous.  She's the competition.  

Mapplethorpe: "We need her as much as a turkey needs a ukelele."I've heard a phrase like that about lesbians, so maybe he's saying "We're gay. We don't need women hanging around."

Scene 8:  In the morning, the guys are late to school again.  This time there's a presentation on Melbourne Creative Arts High School. The teacher wants him to apply: don't let "misguided loyalty" stand in your way of artistic greatness!  Uh-oh, the eternal question, love or career?

Later, Mapplethorpe finds Chester in the library, re-doing their Joan of Arc report into something conventional.  But when Mapplethorpe touches the scanner, it crashes, and the keyboard catches fire!  Chester is irate, thinking that he ruined the report on purpose, and tells him to "grow up."  Maplethorpe lashes out at Violetta, who happens to be watching, and storms out.

Scene 9:  At home, Mapplethorpe tries video-calling Chester, but gets rejected.  "He hates me!" he exclaims.  Mom disagrees; "You two have a bond that is so special, it could survive anything"  Not that special -- it's called "being in love."  It happens to most people. 

Apprised that you should never go to bed with bad feelings, Mapplethorpe goes to Chester's house to make up. He tries to apologize, but Chester says "It's not me you should be apologizing to."  "So this is about her?"  Durn women, always interfering.  Why can't it be just two guys, living together and doing the things that married couples do? 

"We've got to grow up eventually," Chester says.  Yep, their same-sex love is temporary, to be abandoned for mature hetero-romance. "What if I don't want to?" Mapplethorpe asks, but of course he has no choice.  He gazes longingly at Chester and then steps aside: "Let's go to the Crazy Fun Park and find her lost film roll.  That will get her to like you again, right?"  Chester won't do it; too dangerous

Out on the street, the jilted boyfriend reads his fortune-card: "Can you surrender that which you desire most?"  Looks like you already did.  He goes to Crazy Fun Park by himself and walks through the scary demon mouth. Violetta wakes up, precognitively aware that something is wrong.

Scene 10:  In the morning, Chester is waiting to walk Mapplethorpe to school.  He never shows up.  Assuming that he's upset over the breakup, Chester rushes to school by himself, but Mapplethorpe isn't there!  His Mom calls: he didn't come home last night!  Then the police: "Was there any reason Mapplethorpe would go to the park alone."  I thought this was a comedy.  It is definitely a drama. 

We cut to the body being taken to Violetta's funeral home, as she gazes mournfully.  Chester goes to the park and calls for Mapplethorpe, hoping that this is just a prank.

Wait -- things start to turn on, a display of stuffed animals barks, and a scary clown squirts him with pink fluid (it's actually not pink, but ok).  The mask comes off: it's Mapplethorpe!  "Welcome to Crazy Fun Park!" he exclaims.  The end.

In future episodes, Mapplethorp and Chester will meet other teens who died in the park, in tragic (and gruesome) ways, and are trapped there, coming to life every night.  Fortunately, the park comes to life, too, so they can go on rides and such.   A few are heterosexual, but most seem to be gay: the Peter Pan Syndrome, gay as arrested development, being a kid forever.

So, Mapplethorpe is obviously in love with Chester, but is it subtext or text?  I can't tell for sure, but:

2. Henry Strand has played a gay character before.

3. Writer/director Nicholas Verso also wrote and directed Boys in Trees: a boy named Corey encounters his old friend Jonah, whom he left behind to "grow up."  As they walk home,  we gradually realize that Jonah has died, and his home is in the cemetery.  Sounds like a similar set-up, with a similar theme of LGBT people as stalled on the way to adulthood, unable to "grow up."

So maybe it's text, but done so obliquely that you won't see it unless you're looking for it.  Everyone else will read them as platonic pal.

 I have relatives in South Carolina, and I had two job interviews there, so I've visited a number of times, most recently in October 2022.  Here are some "vacation photos." 

The nude photos are all from public websites or posted with permission of the subject.

More after the break

So I'm anxious to review When We First Met (2018).   Check out the poster (below): it looks like Adam is trying to keep the Girl and his rival from kissing, but you can also read it as Adam trying to decide between his rival and the Girl.

Scene 1: November 1, 2017. Beautiful establishing shots of New Orleans (except no French Quarter).  A fancy party.  Noah (Adam Devine) is gazing at Avery (a woman), who is gushing over the fact three years ago today, she met "someone special."  Aww, are they engaged? 

Flashback to October 31, 2014. Wait, she said exactly three years ago.  This is three years and a day. A Halloween party.  Amid all the guests in sexy costumes, we see Noah dressed as super-nerd Garth from Wayne's World.  That's no way to pick up chicks.

He passes Tony Cavalero dressed as Angus Young of AC-DC, then has a spilled-drink meet-cute with Avery, and guesses that she is dressed as Tom Hanks.  Even I know that's a bad move, and I haven't tried to pick up a girl since...well, ever.

She guesses that Noah is her lesbian cousin, then changes to Garth.  Yep: "The key to doing a good Garth impression is to make your  mouth into a tiny butthole." Dude, watching you flub like this is almost painful.  At least he takes the Garth-wig and glasses off so she can see his intense gorgeousness.  Maybe that will counteract his faux-pas.

Back to her place, but instead of getting sexy, Noah wants to play foosball and eat Cookie Crisp cereal.  Dude, why do you keep stalling? This is the way gay guys act with their female friends.  Eventually he moves in for a kiss.

Back to 2017: Avery tells the crowd, "And that's when I realized that I was in love."  Wait -- she's engaged to Ethan (Robbie Amell).  She must have met him on November 1st, the morning after her hookup with Noah (who is smiling to put a brave front on his broken heart).  So he's been in the friend zone for three years, while Avery was with another guy?  Shouldn't he have given up and moved on long ago? 

He drinks a lot and throws up.  Avery and Ethan go into the bathroom to see what's wrong.  He claims food poisoning, while looking at Avery with a lovelorn expression that anyone would notice instantly.  Ethan gives him some crackers and mineral water -- he really cares about the guy -- then kisses Avery, which makes Noah even sicker.  She asks her plain-jane roommate to give him a ride home.

 He figured he'd get a second chance, but the very next day, "fate kicked me in the ball sack." Avery was shopping for Cookie Crisp cereal, when Ethan appeared in her aisle, a shirtless winged centaur!  Don't get me wrong -- Adam is one of the most handsome men on the planet, and he has a spectacular cock, but in between, Robbie Amell's got the goods.    

Darn, I was so busy commenting on the first two scenes that I'm out of space, and we haven't even gotten to the time-travel plot.  Noah returns to the photo booth, which sends him back to October 31st, 2014 for a day.  He tries different strategies knowing everything about Avery; being nice; being a jerk; being career-driven.  Either things go terribly wrong, or else he gets Avery and everyone is miserable when he returns to 2017.  Guess who he ends up with, Avery, Ethan, the plain-jane roommate, or the best bud?

Gay Characters: None, not even in crowd scenes.  Two references: Avery mentions her lesbian cousin, and Noah asks if she is at the Halloween party as a "tranny" (when he's being a jerk).

Gay Subtext:  Occasionally guys will be told "get a room!" when they look too chummy.

When Best Budy is showing Noah how to look sexy, Cavalero gives him a double-take.  A blink-and-you-miss-it moment, and very, very subtle, but as gay as it gets. 

My Grade: Ordinarily I would mark points off for the lack of LGBT representation or subtexts, but Adam is just too much fun to watch.  Not only because of his hotness -- he carries every scene, and he's friggin' hilarious.  I can't recall when I've laughed so much in a hetero romcom. B+

There are some bonus picsk of Robbie Amell's bulge and butt on the NSFW version of this review.

Note: There are 12 members of the Modern Family, so pairs and trios split up for separate plots.  Although they are scattered through the episodes, I will cover them separately.

Link to NSFW version.

Set-Up: Family dinner at the home of patriarch Jay Pritchett (Ed O'Neill).  He suggests watching basketball next, adding with a sneer that his adult son Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) wouldn't be interested because he is gay.  Mitchell counters: "Unlike you, I don't need a reason to watch men in shorts."  The possibility that men might find basketball players attractive ruins the game for Jay.  Jay is the homophobic one!  

On the way, they criticize the rest of the family's lack of refinement.  Jay buys his books at the grocery store!  The best way to get Claire to fall asleep is to show her a movie with subtitles!  

Then they discover that the Kandinsky exhibit is closed!  Problem: Cameron doesn't know anything about art, so he read up on Kandinsky so he wouldn't be embarrassed.  But now they're discussing Matisse, and he 's lost.  After making a fool of himself, he goes to wait in the car.  Dude, art is for everybody. They have self-guided tours and texts to help you understand everything.

 Next Mitchell reveals that he doesn't know anything about art either.  He leaves in embarrassment. Two remain.  But Manny doesn't know anything about art, either!  Why did they want to go?

 The B Plot: Claire, Gloria, and Lily.  Cam and Mitchell explain that they're out buying a flower-girl dress for their  daughter to wear at their wedding.  Why both of them?  So the dress isn't too mundane (Claire) or "cucaracha" (Gloria).  I remember cringing at the constant stereotyping. Gloria is from Colombia, depicted as a horrible country where everyone lives in absurd poverty and gets shot all the time. 

Gloria insists that Lily keep trying on dresses, because she only has sons and never gets to go dress shopping.  Claire doesn't even like dresses; she didn't wear one at her own wedding.  Gloria is shocked.  "You must try one on! Then you can go back to your boy clothes."  So Claire tries on some wedding dresses, and is transfixed by the wonderfulness of gender-normative behavior.

In the woodshop, apprised that a tool is a table vise, Luke begins singing "Edelweiss," and Jay lays down the law: "I've already been through this with Mitchell.  This is what we're trying to prevent."  Woodworking won't keep your grandson from being gay, Dude. But he already said that he likes girls.

Jay says that he wants to teach Luke all the things he need to know to be a man, because his son Mitchell and Gloria's son Manny were both fruity, and not interested.  He demonstrates his machismo by benching 205 pounds! (wow, I can only do 180).  Impressed, Luke says: "Tell me everything you know about women."  This is super-problematic.

First up:  pretending to be swimming underwater with sharks (no beefcake).  Whoops, Haley walks into the frame, ruining it!   She suggests a visit instead, but the girlfriend is doesn't get shore leave very often. 

Andy's face is shining, so Phil goes off to fetch some makeup.  He is careful to specify that it's his WIFE's makeup, so Andy won't think that he's gay.  What's with the homophobia, Phil? 

Haley's date is late.  Andy gets all conciliatory: "that's rude.  A real man would be more considerate of the most incredibly beautiful, wonderful woman on the face of the Earth."  You have a girlfriend, remember?

Next segment: Andy skiing in the snow.  Haley is not impressed.

Nope, Andy thinks it's too weird to pretend to be in love with a man.  Maybe Haley could help out?  And you know what happens next, right?

When the video is finished, Andy asks "How can I thank you?" Phil: "The next time you're with your girlfriend, think of me."  See what I mean?

About the video: "I'm giving this to the mailman, who will give it to the Coast Guard, and by this time tomorrow, someone will be giving it to my girlfriend."  Geez, this show is dirty. but at least that one isn't "accusing" Phil of being gay.

E Plot: 

Beefcake: None.

Gay Characters: Cam and Mitchell.

Characters implied to be gay as jokes: Phil, Luke, and Manny.

Homophobes: Jay. Maybe Andy: he has a problem looking at a man as if he's in love.  It's called acting, dude.  But Jay is much worse.  

4.  In January 2023, Noah came out to his family and friends; they all knew.  He then came out to his fans on TikTok, saying "I'm more similar to Will than I thought."  His first Gay Pride was in New York in 2023.

6.. One of Noah's TikTok posts accidentally showed his penis, but he deleted it right away.  He was over 18 at the time, so technically it was legal, just embarrassisng.

8. He also got in trouble for posting a"Zionism is Sexy" sticker during the Israel-Gaza conflict.  People thought that he was trivializing the war.

9. He has been to Syracuse, New York.  I don't know what he was doing there.

I just saw the 2020 Netflix version, and liked it a lot more.  The tone was more upbeat and positive, thanks to some subtle changes to the script (the line "if only we didn't hate ourselves quite so much" is gone) and additions to the mise en scene. For instance, we see the characters interacting after the party, eating in a restaurant, attending Mass, cuddling in a cab, having sex, building a life in spite of their homophobic society.

Bob still thinks that Boys is "gay misery porn," but remember, it's 1968.  "Homosexuality" is a psychosis, so you are in psychotherapy searching for a "cure."  Sodomy is an imprisonable offense, gay bars are illegal and underground, and there are no gay organizations except for the highly-closeted Mattachine Society.  The world hates you.  But you are still determined to live, so you throw a birthday party.

When Alan figures it out anyway yet doesn't run away screaming, Michael introduces a party game to compel him into coming out: you have to call the one person you have always loved and tell them.  He assumes that Alan will call his other college buddy, now out, whom he was obviously in love with.  But the plan backfires when Alan calls his wife.

So Alan was straight all along?  Or is he still in the closet?  Michael is devastated.  But after the party, he goes to midnight Mass and feels better.

2. Donald (Matt Bomer, right), Michael's best friend and former lover, is visiting for the weekend.  He doesn't play the game.  But he does take a shower, giving us a nice beefcake scene that did not appear in the original movie.

6. Benard's best friend is the campy queen Emory (Robin de Jesus), who was outed and ridiculed when everyone at his high school discovered his crush on an older boy.  Later he apologizes to Bernard for his racist quips, and they are shown having dinner together.

7.-8. Harold, (Zachary Quinto) the guest of honor, is a "32 year old ugly pock-marked fag Jew" who takes lots of weird drugs and  constantly picks at imaginary facial blemishes.  They seem to all love him, but he strikes me as threatening, observing and criticizing the events like a petty tyrant.  I kept wondering what he had on them.

The Cowboy (Charlie Carver, top photo) is a dimwitted hustler hired as one of Harold's birthday presents.  They get more romantic interactions than in the original movie, kissing, cuddling, and, in the last scene, having sex (Harold has a surprisingly nice butt).  

The "call someone you've always loved" game still seems too cruel to foist upon your friends (and you can only play it once), but at least the self-loathing is gone.

Bob: "It was awful!  Gay life as endless misery!"

Me: "But it wasn't all misery.  They had friends.  They had lovers.  Any day that ends with a naked man in your bed is a good day, in 1968 or  2020."

See also: Andrew Rannell and Adam Devine: bromance, bulge and butt pictures

First question: wasn't Adam already involved with Zac Efron?  How many men can a straight guy be in love with, and still identify as straight?

Third question: In what way were they a comedy duo?  The PopSugar interview was about them starring together in The Intern (2015), featuring Robert DeNiro as an oldster who becomes a "senior intern" at an online women's clothing company.  Andrew plays Cameron, the Vice President, who pitches the senior intern idea, and Adam plays Josh, an employee whom DeNiro helps with his (heterosexual) love life.  They don't interact.

Extensive research has yielded no evidence that Adam and Andrew had an off-screen frienddship.  I think it was just an advertising stunt that some Reddit-ers took seriously.

See also: My review of Why Him?

But it stars some of favorite actors, including Jay Baruchel (whom I have a crush on) and Seth Rogan (but not Zac Efron, sorry).  So I'll give it another shot.

Link to NSFW version

Scene 1: LAX.

Seth wants to go to James Franco's housewarming party, but Jay wants it to be just the two of them all weekend.  Awww... But they go.

Scene 2: At the house, Seth points out that Channing Tatum  lives nearby: "This is the sexiest street in America."  Jay chastises him for talking about Channing Tatum too much: "I think he's attractive."  Ok, these guys are pretend-gay.

Franco: "This house is like a piece of me. You two stepped inside me." Seth: "You let us come inside you."  I'd better stop writing down all the gay-sex jokes, or I'll run out of space by Scene 3.

Scene 3: Jay and Seth head to a convenience store for cigarettes.  Seth: "Is Michael Cera's butthole as cute as I pictured it?"  He's into guys' butts, har har.  Suddenly there's an explosion, and some of the customers rise through the ceiling in shafts of blue light!  

Outside, people are rising in shafts of blue light everywhere, driver-less cars are crashing, power lines are down...and back at Franco's house, everything is normal (only the good people went to heaven, so no celebrities, of course).  At the house, no one believes them.

Jonah says that Jay is "a sweetheart," implying that he's attracted to him, and everyone looks at him in disgust.  Wait -- you were all expressing homoerotic interest just a few seconds ago.

They start boarding up the house, inventorying supplies, and ineptly repairing the damage. Gay joke: Craig tries to move a giant ceramic dick: "That dick's coming now.  I got that big dick."

Scene 5: Bedtime.  Seth is scared, so he sleeps with Jay.  He suggests that this apocalyptic nightmare, with millions of people dead and the city destroyed, happened for a reason, to bring them closer together.  Whoa, that's entitled!

Scene 6: Morning.  Danny McBride awakens in the bath tub.  He slept through the night and has no idea what happened, so he eats all of their food and uses their water to wash his feet. 

The guys burst in and tell him about the apocalypse, but he thinks they just dropped acid. Franco probably sucked cock, with Jonah watching and beating off.  These are supposed to be disgusting acts.  Cuddling is ok, but sucking cock, no.

Danny McBride starts a cannabal society, with Channing Tatum as his sex slave, and eats some of them.  You can still get zapped up to heaven if you perform a selfless act; Craig goes up, but Franco gets rejected.

Satan appears, a giant monster with a dangling penis. Realizing that they are going to die, Jay and Seth confess their love and hug. They perform selfless acts to save each other (while "I Will Always Love You" plays), so they both get zapped up to heaven.  It's a giant street party, the Backstreet Boys performing (I always thought it would be a vast library, with people discussing metaphysics). The end.

Beefcake: Some random chests and bulges.  

Heterosexism: Heterosexual desire is expressed only in the pre-Apocalypse party.  Afterwards this is a movie about dudes.

Gay Subtext: Jay and Seth are bromantic partners, but I didn't see any physical or romantic interest, so they don't really have a gay subtext.

My Grade: You would expect a movie with demons, cannibals, and a giant Satan to be exciting, but after you get over the triggering from the religious abuse of your childhood, it's actually a bit dull.  I did like Danny McBride and his sex slave.  C+

There are a lot of butts and bulges, plus Satan's penis, on the NSFW version of this review.

1.My Girl.  Actually this should be counted twice, since it has two things that get me running from the theater: "Heterosexual romance is the meaning of life" and movies about dying children. 

2. The Good Son. Homicidal preteen.  It's not nurture, it's nature.  Plus incest and preteen hetero-romance.

3. His cringy relationship with Michael Jackson. Although he said later that there was no inappropriate behavior, it's still cringy.

4. Party Monster: Guy leading a decadent gay "lifestyle" gets saved by the Love of a Woman, but backslides and turns gay again.  

5. American Horror Story: gay hustler spends all of his time buddying up to women and having sex with women.

7. He almost never shows off his physique on screen, or even on his Instagram page.

8. Some of his comments about girlfriend Brenda Song and their child have been criticized as racist: "You know how I can tell she's Asian?  The shape of her eyes!" 

Things that I like:

1. Home Alone, of course.

2. Saved, about a "gay conversion" camp, although it's actually a heterosexual romance, with the gay characters just there to justify the "gay conversion" angle.

4. Although Mac appeared in only two scenes and never interacted with Tony Cavalero's Keefe, they became friends. 

6. He looks good in a winter parka

8. His middle name is "Macaulay Culkin"

See also: Gay Characters with Girlfriends

In Gracepoint (2014), Stephen plays a plumber's apprentice who may be gay, accused of murdering a small boy.

In a 3-episode story arc on Rectify (2016), focus character Danny (Adan Young) is out of prison and living in a halfway house.  His roommate Manny (Stephen) walks around naked and masturbates in front of him; this is particularly upsetting because he was repeatedly raped in prison.  But Manny won't stop.  Finally Danny tells the house leader about it, expecting the guy to be kicked out.  Instead, they give him a new roommate.

There are nude photos of Stephen, Ryan Phillippe, and Adam Young in the NSFW version of this post.