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The Assassination of Gianni Versace: Sleaze, Sin, and Closeted Gay Men

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I have watched three episodes of The Assassination of Gianni Versace on Netflix, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  When the story first broke in July 1997 -- famous fashion designer murdered by male prostitute -- the straight media jumped on it with homophobic glee: "All gay people are violent monsters!  We thought so all along, and this proves it!"  It was just before I moved to New York to start graduate school.  For the next six months, whenever I came out to a straight person, they got all quiet and standoffish and asked if physicians had yet come up with a cure.

So when Bob turned it on Netflix, I almost left the room.  But I stuck around, mostly due to laziness and a desire to see more of Versace's stupendous Villa in Miami Beach.






I hadn't realized that Versace (Edgar Ramirez) was gay, and had a long-term partner, Antonio (Ricky Martin), as well as a sister (Penelope Cruz) who disapproved -- of the match, and of his gayness. "What can you give him?" she yells at Antonio.  "Marriage?  Children?  A family?  Nothing!"

I had realized that the police, and soon the FBI, were extremely homophobic.  They refuse to put up fliers.  They call the victims "homosexuals."  They treat Antonio with utter contempt, refusing to distinguish between a permanent partner and a paid rent boy -- both have sex with men, and are therefore reprehensible.  .

The story is not told in chronological order, so after three episodes we don't know why Andrew Cunanan (Darren Criss) killed Versace.  I guess no one knows in real life -- the family insistes that Versace never met the man.

We know that Andrew is a glib sociopath who spins intricate, barely believable stories ("my father was Emelda Marcos' personal pilot in the Philippines, and he also exports pineapples"), and changes personalities with the ease of a chameleon adapting to a new environment.  We know that by the time he gets around to Versace, he's already killed four people (only the last two depicted in the episodes I watched):

1. His best friend Jeff (Finn Wittrock, left)

2. His lover David (Cody Fern).

3. Lee Miglin (Mike Farrell), a famous architect who has hired him (frequently?) as a rentboy in the past.  Lee is gay but closeted; everything he has accomplished in life  is the result of lying about his sexual identity, playing the "perfect heterosexual husband and father."  Maybe that's why Andrew kills him?  Because open gay men are barred from the American Dream, unable to become rich, powerful, successful, unless they design women's dresses.

At least that's the tv version seems to imply.  In real life, Lee Miglin's wife and children insisted that he was straight, and had never met Andrew Cunanan.

4. William Reese (Gregg Lawrence), a cemetery caretaker.  Andrew originally planned to just lock him up and steal his truck until Reese mentioned having a wife and daughter.  Someone else enjoying heterosexual privilege!  Gay men were barred from marriage and adoption, usually denied custody of even their own biological children, but not the scruffiest-looking heterosexual!  Maybe that's why Andrew killed him?

At least that's what the tv version seems to imply.  In real life, we don't know what conversation the two had, since both participants are dead.

Beefcake:  A lot of shots of the beach, a lot of shots in gay bars with gyrating cage boys.

Other Sights:  Miami Beach, Versace's palatial villa.  Why do two guys and a couple of servants need all that space?

And I am interested in reading the gigantic book on Versace that Andrew carries around with him.

Gay Characters:  Most, but most closeted.

Torture:  Lots.  Andrew tortures a beach pickup and Lee Miglin, and I assume others.  Gross.

My Verdict:  There are lots of gay people in the cast and crew, and it won a GLAAD award.  But I'm still uncomfortable.



Zephyr Benson: The Son of the Most Beautiful Teen Idol of the 1980s

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What is it like to grow up with a father who was the most beautiful teen idol in the world, the source of gushing romantic fantasies for millions of gay boys and straight girls?

Of course, I'm talking about Robby Benson, teen idol of the late 1970s and 1980s.  He appeared in some movies, but really, he was too beautiful to be a major star -- everyone was so busy swooning and sighing to pay attention to the plot.

He had a physique and a basket, too, but who noticed?  We were busy imagining what it would be like to walk hand-in-hand with Robby through the rain, and share a brief, chaste kiss.

Oh, I hear laughter in the rain,
Walking hand in hand with the one I love

Sorry, I had a Neil Sedaka moment.What was I writing about, again?

Right, Robby's kids.  It seems that Robby managed to find someone strong enough to come within five feet of him without swooning (Karla DeVito), so he married her...um...sorry, just imagining their wedding...kissing Robby Benson! ...and they had two kids, a girl named Lyric (born 1983), and a boy named Zephyr (born 1992).




Zephyr lacks the drop-dead gorgeousness of his father: his long, oval face is rather a turn-off.  But he does have dreamy blue eyes. 

















He has the same slim, tight physique as his father, but not so tightly muscled.

He's an aspiring actor with 7 credits listed on the imdb, including more than one gay character.













His magnum opus to date is Straight Outta Tomkins (2015), which he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in.  It's about a teenager who falls in with a drug dealer, and mistakes the mercenary attention for a real emotional connection.














Plus he tweets his support of marriage equality.  What else could you want in the son of the most beautiful teen idol in the world?

Lucky Vanous: The Diet Coke Guy

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Like Scott Madsen, the Soloflex Guy , and Clara Pelter, who asked "Where's the beef?", Lucky Vanous became famous in an instant.  Though the Nebraska native had been modeling and studying acting for several years, he became the talk of the town through a series of heterosexist commercials for Diet Coke: some female office workers gaze through the window at the construction site next door, where lean, muscular Lucky goes on his break, rips his shirt off, and opens a can of Diet Coke.  They become more and more aroused as he drinks.

He was not a bodybuilder, but he was lean, muscular, and hirsute, a perfect New Sensitive Man even without saying "I know how you feel."








Lucky's exercise book and video, aimed at a female audience (The Ultimate Fat-Burning Workout) appeared in a few months.  In May 1994 he took off his shirt on tv sitcom Wings.  He was a presenter at the Clio Awards (for excellence in advertising).  In December was profiled in Playgirl.













A couple of movie roles followed, plus some tv: the evening soap opera Pacific Palisades (1997), guest spots on Pensacola: Wings of Gold and Will and Grace, and finally 18 Wheels of Justice (2000-2001), about a federal agent turned trucker who helps people with their problems.

Although in real life Lucky was always gracious to his gay fans, his stage persona maintained the heterosexist "every woman's fantasy" myth, insisting that all women but no men wanted to see him with his shirt off.  So the shirt came off when the audience was mostly women, but stayed on when it was mostly men.  This promo for 18 Wheels of Justice gives you the general idea.





Today Lucky owns the Lucky Devil's Tavern on Hollywood Boulevard, near Highland, which offers healthy choices in addition to the usual deep-fried bar cuisine.

See also: The Coca-Cola Kid.

"In Vino": Very Obscure Whodunit Turned On Its Head

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Amazon Prime keeps pushing In Vino at me.  The trailer makes it look like a classic whodunit, where the family patriarch (Ed Asner) is murdered, and everyone is suspect.  Of course I wanted to know if there were any gay characters.

The problem is, that movie doesn't seem to exist.  A Google Search reveals only In Vino Veritas (2013), which has a different plot altogether.

I looked for Ed Asner on IMDB -- he has appeared in 7 movies and tv shows so far in 2020, and he has 17 upcoming projects -- quite a lot for someone who is 90 years old.  But no In Vino, or In Vino Veritas for that matter.

Next, the other star Sean Young.  She has a reasonable number of projects on IMDB, allowing me to go down the entire list.

Aha, Amazon has lied again!  The movie is from 2017, not 2020.  And the movie is somewhat darker than a classic whodunit: Linda (Sean) has murdered her husband (Ed) and poisoned everyone else in the room.  In order to hand over the antidote, she requires one of them to kill another and take the blame for both murders.

WTF?  What kind of overly complex, nonsensical plan is that? 

Since there's no way to find a review without running foul of In Vino Veritas," I have to watch the movie.  At least until the heterosexism or homophobia becomes overwhelming.

Scene 1: A narrator tells us that this is January 27th, 1985, the 80th birthday of "rich billionnaire" Charles Bouitton. Jean the Bulter (Brendan Bradley, top photo) walks down the cavernous hallways, up the grand staircase, and into Charles and Linda's bedroom.  We are told that Linda is "gorgeous."  Heterosexual male gaze. Strike 1.

Scene 2:  Downstairs, everyone is dressed like the 1920s, not the 1980s. They are all sniping at each other.  The narrator gives us a run-through.  Charles' nephew Josh, who has a blonde "future ex-wife." ; his god-daughter Melissa, also blonde, and her husband, who is black.  His children Luke (bald) and Kristen (brown hair)  His sister Paulette (black hair) and her husband Maurice (elderly).  Cousin Clara (comedian). 

Luke (Chris Ashworth) is kind of femme, with a sweater tied around his neck, and he doesn't interact with any women, so maybe he's gay.

Charles is pushed down the grand staircase to his death.  That happened surprisingly fast.

Scene 3: Whoops, not dead, just bedridden.  Jean the Butler brings him an ice pack.  Charles blames Linda for pushing him down the stairs.  He calls her "beautiful" about 15 times.  What's with the heavy emphasis on the gorgeosity of this elderly woman? Shouldn't she be all dignified and matronly, not a Playboy centerfold?

Scene 4:  Charles is giving Jean the Butler a foot rub.  A clandestine boyfriend!  They discuss the "cheap family murder mystery plot" that they're stuck in, and decide to change the plot.

Jean the Butler leaves, flirts with the housekeeper and Linda, and checks his watch.

Scene 5:  Charles is in his study, smoking and playing chess, when the Nurse arrives with his pills.  They snipe at each other. Jean the Butler announces that everyone on the list is coming, except "Isn't she gorgeous"" Linda. So Charles calls and proposes a "diabolical alliance." 

Scene 6:  Jean the Butler gives the servants the night off, checks his watch, and goes to the basement, where he cuts a wire.  "Let the games begin!"  He goes upstairs to serve the wine and get flirted with by the guests.

Luke and Kristen are hanging all over each other.  I guess his schtick is being in love with his sister, not being gay.

Scene 7:  Dinner.  Charles interrupts the guests berating each other to berate them.  He doesn't specify what they have done to earn his disdain -- let's just say they are all horrible.  He offers a toast, and then drops dead.

"Isn't she gorgeous" Linda announces that Charles originally planned to poison one of them, but she decided to poison them all.  They will be dead in exactly 53 minutes (what poison is that precise?  Doesn't it depend on your body mass, the contents of your stomach, your metabolic rate, and many other factors?).  She has enough antidote for 7 of the 8; it is up to them to decide which will die.

I still don't get it.  And I don't think we're going to see any more homoerotic hijinks.  I fast-forward. to the last scene.


Spoiler Alert:

Charles is alive.  There never was any poison.  It was just a plot to get the party guests to confess to their crimes, so the police could arrest them.

Lat scene: Charles is surrounded by ladies.  He calls Linda, who is getting a foot rub from Jean the Butler.  Homoeroticism only in one scene.  The end.

My grade: F

By the way, there is an Ed Asner hookup story on Tales of West Hollywood.


Davy Jones and the Monkees

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One of my first crushes was on Davy Jones, singer for the pre-fab boy band The Monkees.  In fact, the first album I ever bought (or rather, asked Mom and Dad for) was  The Monkees (1966), because it showed Davy Jones seated in the foreground, dirty from working outdoors, with Peter Tork's arm around him.  I figured they were boyfriends.

Some of the tracks were gender-explicit, with lots of “girls” and “babes," but many were not, including the famous “Last Train to Clarksville", written by the famous duo Boyce and Hart: the singer, talking on the telephone, asks a loved one for a final rendezvous in a train station before he goes away forever.

Quite a change from the girl-crazy Beatles and Herman's Hermits.


More of the Monkees (1967) again had an evocative cover, with the boys in blue shirts and tight jeans gazing down suggestively at the camera. But every track was about desperate longing for some girl or another, with a single exception. In “Laugh,” which didn’t chart as a single, Davy Jones suggests that those boys who are interested in boys should transform their "secret" into humor:

Laugh, when you're keepin' a secret
And it seems to be known by the rest of the world.
Laugh, when you go to a party
And you can't tell the boys from the girls.

The tv series (1966-68, then on Saturday morning 1968-70) seemed to concur. The nonsensical plots, filled with blackout gags, self-referential humor, and spoofs of every movie cliché from superheroes to Westerns, were surprisingly gay-friendly.  And shirtless shots were quite common.

Although Micky Dolenz was ostensibly the leader of the group, Davy Jones, only 5’3”, with dark eyes and a sensual pout, quickly became the standout star. He was prominently displayed on every album cover, and almost every episode required him to wear a swimsuit or revealing prizefighter’s trunks, or get his clothes ripped off by fans, or otherwise display his slight but firm physique. 

Unfortunately, he also got the most girl-chasing plotlines. Of 58 episodes, Davy went ape over a girl in six, Peter Tork in two, Micky in only one, and Mike Nesmith not at all.  

Micky is the one that I figured liked boys, not girls.  My evidence: the voice-over introduction to “Monkees on the Wheel” (December 1967) notes that Las Vegas is the

Pleasure capital of the world, where each man seeks the things he loves most. [Shot of Peter following a girl.]
The things he loves most. [Shot of Mike following a girl.]
The things he loves most.[Shot of Davy following a girl.]

And then the story begins. Why is Micky omitted? Because the joke has run its course, or because girls are not the things he loves most?

Also, in “Monkees Mind their Manors” (February 1968), the group travels to England. At the airport, the boys realize that the customs agent is being portrayed by Jack Williams, the show’s prop master, but Williams protests that he is actually a famous singer.  Then he sings the Dean Martin standby “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime”, and Micky, overcome with passion, leaps into his arms.

Many minor characters were gay-vague, such as the flamboyant Sir Twiggly Toppin Middle Bottom (Bernard Fox) and beach movie star Frankie Catalina (Bobby Sherman), who hates the beach and is “allergic to girls” (i.e., gay). 


And the Monkees themselves obviously preferred buddy-bonding over girl-chasing.  I couldn't wait to see their constant caressing of faces, hands, and chests, their cuddling together, their panicked hugging in moments of danger.  Regardless of what the actors thought they were conveying, for gay kids they produced a powerful evocation of same-sex love.    

See also my review of Head, the Monkees' swan song.


The Sea Monster in the Club House

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The Krofft animatronic Saturday morning shows like Pufnstuf and Land of the Lost usually involved boys trapped far from home, but the 1973-1975 entry, Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, used the "I've got a secret" theme instead. Sigmund (Billy Barty), a three-foot tall blob of green tentacles, is expelled from his abusive family for being “a rotten sea monster.” He wanders up onto the beach and befriends two human boys, Johnny (Johnny Whitaker) and Scott (Scott Kolden). Most episodes involve Sigmund being befuddled by human society while hiding from his bullying brothers (who need him back for some mercenary reason), and the boys being likewise befuddled by sea monster society while trying to hide Sigmund from human authority figures.


Johnny Whitaker had previously starred as the saccharine Jody on Family Affair (1966-71), and as a shepherd boy who jumps off a cliff and becomes The Littlest Angel (1969).  He was only fourteen at the start of Sigmund, but still, he was on display far more than other Krofft boys.  His opening shots at the beach, in a swimming suit and then a muscle shirt, showed a toned body with surprisingly firm biceps, and later he sauntered around the set in impossibly tight jeans that almost allowed gay kids to overlook his hair, fluffy, carrot-red, with the texture of cotton candy.

He would show off his muscles that same year in Tom Sawyer (1973), with Boomer East as Huckleberry Finn.

Sigmund critiques the myth of the heterosexual nuclear family both overtly through the bickering sea monsters, and more subtly through the human family: parents absent and never mentioned, the adult guardian a no-nonsense, grumpily affectionate, arguably lesbian housekeeper (played with gusto by character actress Mary Wickes).

 It is difficult to categorize the relationship between Johnny and Scott (especially since the actors use their real names): they are often shown sleeping in bunk beds, and they both acknowledge Zelda’s authority, so they most likely live together, but they are never identified as brothers, and they played best buddies in The Mystery of Dracula’s Castle. If they are brothers, then they exhibit an extraordinary physical intimacy, always touching arms and shoulders or chummily reclining against each other’s bodies. 

In “The Nasty Nephew” (October 1973), as they are prevaricating about the noises coming from their club house (where Sigmund is sequestered), Johnny reaches behind Scott’s back and takes his hand. They hold hands for a long moment, and then Scott shrugs him off. This is an odd gesture, with no rationale in the plot: they are not exchanging any sort of signal, and teenage boys have few other legitimate reasons for holding hands. But perhaps the behind-the-back intimacy mirrors the sea monster in the club house, both truths about their “friendship” that must be kept secret from the outside world.

Johnny announces in the theme song that the program is about “friends, friends, friends,” presumably Sigmund, but many of the lines seem to discuss a more intimate relationship: “a special someone” who will “change your life.” The unaired final verse makes it explicit:

I can't change the way I feel, and wouldn't if I could.
I never had someone before, who made me feel so good.

The inevitability, the loss of control, and the “feel so good” in the sex-happy 1970’s all point to romance instead of friendship. 

 Similarly, Johnny’s 1973 solo album, though entitled Friends, overbrims with tracks like “It’s Up to You,” “Lovin’ Ain’t Easy,” and “Keep It a Secret,” about romance that must be hidden, submerged behind the façade of friendship. But surely Johnny does not mean that he is secretly in love with a 3-foot tall sack of green tentacles. Instead, the mandate to care for Sigmund and keep him safe from the prying eyes of adults gives Johnny and Scott a reason to spend every moment together, to concoct wild schemes and harrowing rescue attempts, to share the joys and terrors of a secret life.

Perhaps the Krofft Brothers became aware, on some level, of the same-sex desire implicit in the relationship between Johnny and Scott. Though none of the other Krofft boys ever exhibited heterosexual interest, several episodes of Sigmund introduce a girl during the last two or three minutes: anonymous, with no lines, alien to the plot, present just so Johnny can gaze at her and sing love songs. This strategy backfires, as the girl, straw-haired, tanned, and freckled, looks exactly like Scott Kolden.

In the second year, therefore, the Krofft Brothers introduced a new theme song. To avoid conjecture about what sins a sea monster might commit, they made the reason for Sigmund’s expulsion from sea monster society explicit: like Casper the Friendly Ghost, he refuses to scare humans. He encounters Johnny and Scott on the beach, and now all three are “the finest of friends that ever can be.” The suggestion that Johnny has found a “special someone” has vanished in favor of a triad of buddies.

We need not assume that Johnny Whitaker, a devout Mormon who would serve as a missionary in Portugal and graduate from Brigham Young University, was consciously adding a romance to his character’s on-screen friendship with Scott. The intent of a performer does not diminish the possibility that a teenager might find hope in his image flickering on a television screen, months or years later and thousands of miles away. But it is inspiring to discover that, though Johnny Whitaker and Scott Kolden both married women and raised heterosexual nuclear families, they have remained close friends. Their relationship is intimate, loving, and permanent. Who cares if they ever kiss?

"The Invisible Man": Convoluted, Gay-Vague, Me Too Fable

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When Bob announced that the new Netflix DVD was The Invisible Man,  I thought "Great!  The classic 1932 Universal monster mash starring Claude Raines."  For the rest of the night, that song from Rocky Horror was going through my head:

Michael Rennie was ill the day the earth stood still
But he told us where we stand.
And Flash Gordon was there in silver underwear,
Claude Raines was the invisible man.

But no, it's a 2020 remake that I didn't know existed.

I  went into it fresh, without checking a plot synopsis or review.

Scene 1:  At 3:40 in the morning, a woman (Elizabeth Moss from The Handmaid's Tale) climbs out of bed, sneaks through a gigantic facility to a lab, where she disables all of the futuristic surveillance equipment.  Then she climbs over a wall and runs into the woods.

I've seen 1,000 movies about women with super powers escaping from facilities, so I'll bet that she's the Invisible Woman.

She runs down to the road and flags down a car.  "What's going on?  What's happening?" the driver (Harriet Dyer) asks.  "Just drive!"  A man runs out of the woods, chasing her.

Scene 2:   The woman, Cecilia, is afraid to leave the house.  James (Aldis Hodge), left, who I assume is the car driver's husband, encourages her.  Why did these two strangers take her in, instead of dropping her off at a women's shelter or a hospital or something?

Scene 3:  The car driver, Emily, shows up.  She is actually Cecilia's sister, and the pick-up was pre-arranged.  Odd -- she certainly acted like she had never seen Cecilia before.  Emily announces: "He's dead."

Ok, I got the opening scene wrong.  Cecilia was escaping from her abusive husband, optics expert Adrian (Oliver Jackson-Cohen, bottom photo), who lives in an impossibly huge house disguised as a research facility.

Scene 4:  Cecilia and her sister Emily at the reading of the will.  The lawyer, Tom (Michael Dorman, below), who happens to be abusive Adrian's brother, says that she will be receiving $100,000 per month for the next five years, unless she goes to a mental hospital or commits a crime.

Cecilia spends her first installment on presents: a ladder for James (huh?  not a new car?)  and college tuition for his daughter Sydney.

 I got the relationships wrong, too.  Emily and James do not live together.  They don't act like they are dating, either.  So he's probably Cecilia's love interest.

Scene 5: Weird things start to happen.  Cecilia is hit by an invisible hand.  When she goes on a job interview, her architectural samples vanish, and she has a panic attack.  (Wait -- she's getting $1.2 million a year.  Why isn't she buying a villa in Tuscany?)  The doctor finds excessive amounts of the depressant Diazapam (Valium) in her system.  But that was what she drugged Adrian with.  Emily gets a nasty email, reputedly from Cecilia  -- Adrian must have hacked into her computer!

Cecilia tells James, who conveniently turns out to be a cop, and Tom the Lawyer that Adrian is still alive, and has somehow turned invisible to torment her.  Ridiculous, absurd, you're under stress, yada yada yada.  I think she's suffering from some sort of post-traumatic condition, and doing these things herself.  But the movie is entitled The Invisible Man

Scene 6: An invisible presence attacks James' daughter Sydney.  He thinks that Cecilia did it, and orders her out of the house.  Then he and daughter leave. Wait -- you order her out, and don't stick around to make sure she gets out?  She calls Adrian's cell phone -- it's in the attic!  Along with the missing architectural plans.

Scene 7:  Cecilia convinces her sister Emily to meet her at a Chinese restaurant, where there is a very funny scene with the waiter (Nick Kici, top photo)..  Before an invisible presence stabs Emily and puts the knife in Cecilia's hand.

Scene 8: She's screaming "I didn't do it.  It was Adrian!  He's invisible!  He's standing right there!"  at the mental hospital.  Tom the Lawyer admits that Adrian is still alive, and offers to get the charges dropped if she returns to him.  Otherwise she loses the $100,000 per month and goes on trial for murder.  Cecilia steals a pen.

Scene 9:  She pretends to attempt suicide with the pen (it's a conveniently sharp old-timey fountain pen).  When an invisible figure tries to stop her, she stabs him repeatedly, causing the suit to malfunction and become intermittently visible.  She rushes into the hallway, where the invisible figrue kills about 3000 security guards while Cecilia yells "He's right behind you!"

For a billionaire optics expert, Adrian is an excellent fighter.

Scene 10: Cecilia goes to Adrian's house, where her dog is still there.  It's been at least three weeks since he "died"; shouldn't the house be closed up, and the dog adopted or sent to a shelter?  How is it surviving?    She finds the invisibility suit, but is attacked and flees without stealing it.

Scene 11:  Back at James' house (wait -- he ordered her out).  Cecilia arrives just in time to see  an invisible figure attacking James and his daughter.  She stabs it repeatedly.  Finally it drops dead.  She takes off the mask -- it's Tom the Lawyer!  He chained Adrian up in the basement, faked his death, and stole his suit...to terrorize his sister-in-law?  Why on Earth....


Scene 10: Cecilia still thinks it was Adrian, just using Tom as a decoy at the end.  No one believes her, but at least she's exonerated for killing her sister.  Um...and 3,000 security guards.


Scene 11:  Cecilia sneaks out of the house in the middle of the night to meet with Adrian.  He offers her sushi and steak (wait -- it's the middle of the night, too late for dinner).   She's wearing a wire.  James is listening from a car outside. (Wait -- if James is in on it, why did she have to sneak out of the house?) 

She tries to get Adrian to confess, but he refuses.  It was all his brother, while he was locked in the basement for three weeks.  So she goes into the bathroom, changes into the invisibility suit (where did she get it?  Did she take it off Tom's body?), and slits his throat.

Wait -- he still hasn't confessed.  Chances are he did it, but...

Beefcake:  Lots of hunks wandering around, but no one undresses except Cecilia.

Confusing Plotlines:  Lots

Gay Characters:  No one specifies, but no one specifies that they are heterosexual, either.  James has a daughter, but no wife or girlfriend is ever mentioned.  Plus he's not the love interest for either Cecilia or Emily.

Why no wife, ex wife, dead wife, or baby mama mentioned?  Why no romance with Cecilia or Emily?  Because it would distract from Cecilia's story?  Because there wasn't time?  Because James is gay? But mentioning it would be nice.  It's 2020: no more subtexts!

Tom doesn't allude to any heterosexual partners, either.  No picture of a wife on his desk, no flirting with Cecilia or Emily.  Probably gay, too.  But if he's canonically gay, why not mention it?

This all takes place in San Francisco, where not mentioning it seems even more ridiculous.

My Grade: C

Johnnie Whittaker and David DeCoteau: A Match Made in Homoerotic Heaven

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Johnny Whitaker, the star of Sigmund and the Sea Monsters in the 1970s, has appeared on screen occasionally since.  Perhaps his weirdest roles are in two direct-to-video movies directed by David DeCoteau, A Talking Cat (2013) and A Talking Pony (2013).

Wait -- David DeCoteau is that crazy director who churns out 38 homoerotic horror movies per yer: A serial killer stalks a fraternity during the guys-only underwear party!  Yet he swears up and down that he has no homoerotic intent, that he is not even aware of the existence of gay men. 

These movies seem a little out of his métier, but looking at his more recent movies, he seems to have expanded from the Haunted Fraternity and Voodoo Academy softcore-schlock to "family friendly" movies about fundamentalist Christians finding love..







Except DeCoteau seems to always sneak in his trademark "gay people don't exist" homoeroticism by depicting some teen hunks frolicking in the pool or buddy-bonding in their underwear.  In Talking Cat, Justin Cone and Daniel Dannas.

During the last seven years, Daniel Dannas has grown up -- aand bulked up -- into an actor/model/heartthrob (top photo).  I assume he's gay.  Why wouldn't he be?








In Pony, James Lastrovic (left) and Max Gray Wilbur (below).  I assume they're both gay, too.
























On the iconic Mr. Ed, the owner of the talking horse is named Wilbur.  Coincidence?   Or Cosmic Trigger?

I can't wait to fast forward through  some of his 2019-2020 works: The Wrong Stepmother, Stepfather, Boy Next Door, House Sitter, Wedding Planner, Real Estate Agent, Cheerleader, Tutor, and Mommy











Crikey, It's the Croc Hunter's Kids, All Grown Up and LGBT Allies

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Remember Steve Irwin, the Croc Hunter, the naturalist who devoted his life to preserving and de-mythologizing Australian wildlife, especially crocodiles?  Sure, they're ancient predators, but if you treat them with respect, they probably won't eat you.  When he died in 2006, he left his widow, Terri, and two young children, Bindi and Robert.  Both grew up to be conservationists and tv personalities in their own right.

Bindi, now 22 years old, has starred in several tv series: Bindi the Jungle Girl, Bindi's Bootcamp, Steve Irwin's Wildlife Warriors, and most recently Crikey, It's the Irwins (2018-).  Plus she has competed in Dancing with the Stars and recorded several music albums.  In 2018 she received a LGBT Ally Award







She is married to Chandler Powell, a Florida-born professional wakeboarder (like water skiing).

I assume that the guys on the left are both Chandler, although the second one looks far more buffed than the first.













Robert (no connection to the Arabic literature specialist) is also multi-talented.  He has co-written a series of books, Robert Irwin: Dinosaur Hunter.  He is an award-winning nature photographer.  He has brought interesting animals to guest on The Tonight Show 11 times, including a "gay" ostrich in November 2018.  Co-host Kevin Hart freaked out, thinking that the ostrich wanted to have sex with him.

And he has starred in several tv series, including Robert's Real Life Adventures, Wild But True, and of course Crikey, It's the Irwins.

That's quite a lot for someone who is only 16 years old.

Robert has such fey mannerisms that I wanted to know if he was gay in real life.  I found a promising Reddit: "What is the connection between Robert Irwin and Anduin Wyrnn?  Are they dating?"

Anduin Wyrnn is a character in the World of Warcraft, and not canonically gay.  Did they mean Josh Keaton, who does his voice?  No -- Josh is over 50, married, with children.

So that question is nonsense.

Crikey, It's the Irwins doesn't help.  It's more about wrangling rattlesnakes in Arizona than who Robert is inviting to senior prom.  So I still don't know if Robert is gay or not.

No doubt his Mom and big sister will be fine with it, either way.

17 of David DeCoteau's Wrong Hunks

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David Decoteau has devoted much of the last few years to a long series of romantic thrillers for the Lifetime Network,  with female protagonists and plots about "the wrong people."

 Previously his movies always involved hunks hugging in their underwear, although DeCoteau claimed that he was not targeting gay men, and in fact had no idea that gay men existed.  I wanted to know if he is continuing his characteristic "what are gay people?" homoerotic scenes, but I didn't want to track down and watch all the movies, even on fast-forward.  So I  just checked the cast list on IMDB to see what young men were cast because they look good in their underwear ("for women to look at").

1. The Wrong Child (2016). A boy moves in with a family, claiming to be their long-lost son. But he's not what he seems, naturally.  Starring Johnny Whitaker, Tracy Nelson, Viveca A. Fox (the one who tried to barr men from attending her black male review; "it's only for women! Men don't need to be there!").

And Robbie Davidson as the hunk...um, I mean the wrong child.



2. The Wrong Roommate. (2016). SA college professor moves in with her sister, only to find a girl in the guest house who is not what she seems. With Viveca A. Fox again, William MacNamara, Eric Roberts, and lots of hunks, like Jason-Shane Scott.














3. The Wrong Student (2017).  As far as I can tell from the convoluted plot, a student becomes obsessed with her classmate's boyfriend.  With the usual suspects.  Several contenders for underwear hunk, but I'm going with Renton Pexa becuase he has an interesting name, and he's a professional model.

4. The Wrong Crush (2017).  A high school girl kills her best friend, and then must keep the secret from her boyfriend.  I guess she's the wrong crush?  Viveca A. Fox again.  Several hunks (not pictured -- I'm running out of space).








5. The Wrong Man (2017).  Her grandfather's caregiver is not what he seems.  An oddly vague title.  How about "The Wrong Gerontologist"?  With Viveca A. Fox, Michael Pare, William Goldman...and as the underwear hunk, Rib Hillis (left).

6. The Wrong Cruise (2018).  A mother and daughter go on a cruise and are kidnapped.  Guess who plays the mom?  Is Vivice A. Fox a contract player? For hunkoids, try Andres Londono (not pictured).












7. THe Wrong Friend.  RIley (a girl) becomes friends with Chris  (a boy), but he is not what he seems.  For the hunk, I'm going with Chris, left.  He bviously has abs. Ten to one he has a bastket, too.  DeCoteau always casts them that way.


8. The Wrong Teacher. .  A teacher picks up a young guy, only to discover that he's a student at her schol.  Hey, if he's over 18 and not in her class, what's the problem?   Have a look at Student Philip McElroy's biceps and basekt.














9. The Wrong Stepmom.  Single father David (Corin Nemec) starts dating Maddie, who is not what she seems.  I'm torn -- Leonardo Cecchi is a classic DeCoteau hunk, but Mitchel Hong would add a little diversity to the square-jawed, big-basket white guys.

Ok, here's Leonardo, but DeCoteau owes me somebody black or Hispanic.











10. The Wrong BoyNext Door.  The Boy Next Door is not what he seems.  Travis Burns plays the Boy, and of course he has abs and an underwear bulge that goes halfway to his knees, but I'm going to picture Jeremy Sry.  Buffed and Asian.  Diversity, at last!

11.  The Wrong Mommy.  Oddly enough, there are no children here.  Phoebe's new personal assistant is not what she seems (she wants revenge on Phoebe's mother).  Lots of hunks in this one, but they have all appeared in earlier Wrong movies.  I can't believe they're running out -- 3,000  guys with muscles and big penises arrive in Hollywood every week!









12. The Wrong Tutor.  Eric's new tutor is not what she seems.  Too many hunks to choose from, but for a change, Eric is Black.  So let's go with Nate Wyatt's abs and...such.















13. The Wrong Cheerleader.  Cheerleader Becky starts dating Rob, who is not what he seems.  Wait -- she's the right cheerleader, he's the wrong boyfriend.  I guess The Wrong Boyfriend was already taken.

 Rob is played by gay porn star David Meza (left), who killed his lover in 2016.  He was finally arrested in 2019, put on trial, and sentenced to life in prison.

So a sociopath was playing a sociopath.

14.  The Wrong House Sitter.  Are they just picking social roles at random?   A lot of hunksin this one, but mostly old pros from earlier movies.  So let's go with John Spink (not pictured, but believe me, he has abs and a big penis.








15  The Wrong Wedding Planner.  Brad's crazy ex manipulates her way into becoming his wedding planner.  For hunks, I looked down the cast list to choose Nathan Kehn, because he's posing with cats.

This isn't as much fun as I thought it would be.  When the plots are interchangeable, the hunks are sort of interchangeable, too: young, muscular, smooth-chested, hung to their knees, willing to use all of their assets to get the job.  

Do you mind if I skip The Wrong Real Estate Agent,  The Wrong Fiancee, The Wrong Barista, The Wrong Postal Carrier, The Wrong Lion Tamer, and The Wrong Landscape Architect so I can look up the cat guy on IMDB?

Bad, Bad Men: Ok Movie

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Bad Bad Men: (2016): After being taunted at a coffee shop, a timid young man enlists his two best friends to help him track his newfound bully down and put him in his place.  Maybe one of the three is gay, or at least there will be some homoerotic buddy bonding.

Scene 1: After seeing 15,381 movies that start with naked women escaping from facilities, I'll give a big thumbs-up to any movie that begins with a naked man in bed.  Even though we don't see anything but close ups of body parts: a hand, the back of his neck, the side of his arm -- as he showers, shaves, eats Pop-Tarts, and gets dressed.  By the time we finally see his face, 5 minutes of screen time have pased, he's in his car, and his Mom is bringing out his sack lunch, which he finds humiliating.  By the way, his name is Josh, he's a real estate agent, and this is Memphis, but no one has a Southern accent.

Scene 2:  Josh (Allen C. Gardner) stops for coffee, takes forever to decide, then changes his order a dozen times while the barista struggles to keep her smile on and a long line is forming behind him. Jerry (Adam Burns), standing in line, complains that he "can't even order a coffee.."   

He goes back to his car, and starts to cry: "Why were you so mean to me?"

That moment of well-deserved rudeness bothers you?  Wait until a guy yells "Faggots burn in hell!"

Josh decides to go confront Jerry but he is on his cell phone, talking about dicks and balls.  He climbs into his SUV with the license plate BALLER-1 and drives away.

Scene 3:   Josh is showing a house and going off the deep end: "You're a nice couple, not like some people.  You deserve this house because you're nice.  I want you in my house because you're nice."  Ulp -- needy weirdo!


Scene 4: At the office, which looks more like a car dealership than a real estate office, Josh awkwardly flirts with the receptionist. 

Two of his coworkers are talking: big, boisterous, "let's ram our dicks into some hoes!" Royce (Drew Smith) and Steven (Matt Mercer), who wears gay-coded purple (or lilac), but is introduced by full-screen shots of photos of his wife and kids so we know he's not.  Josh comes in and complains about the coffee shop bully.  They decide to get an early lunch and talk about revenge.

Scene 5:  Royce knows a cop who told him to call "if you're ever with a hooker who won't wake up."  Nice guy.  Maybe he can track the BALLER1 plates.

Scene 6:  Why is the "cop" Rex (Gabe Arredondo) squatting in one of their empty houses?  Turns out he was fired after they caught him selling drugs.  A Hispanic drug dealer, how cliched! But he sells to cops, so he can still get the plates run. 


Scene 7: The guys are playing golf, discussing their youthful dreams that were crushed by getting married. (Yeah, heterosexual romance ruins everything!). Royce wanted to be a DJ.  Steven wanted to be a magician.   Rex arrives with the license plate information. 

Sorry, I can't find beefcake photos of any of these actors.  They've only been in a few local Memphis productions. But several of them strangely have the same name as bodybuilders, like Drew Smith (top photo) and Adam Burns (left)

Scene 8:  Jerry is a financial analyst in a  beautiful glass-and-steel office with abstract art on the walls.  The guys wait in high-backed chairs, reading magazines, until he arrives with his possee (two beer reps).  Royce confronts them with threats and insults. What the heck is a choad?  Josh simply says "You're mean!  You're a bully! Does anybody actually like you?  Do you have any friends?  I might get awkward, I might get scared, but I get to walk out of here and not be you."

Scene 9: Back in the office.  Gary (Jonny Victor), their very nice boss, doesn't mind that they took most of the day off.  In fact, he has some real estate leads for them.  For some reason this angers them, and Royce uses the same speech Josh used on Jerry earlier.  They take the rest of the day off.

Scene 10: The guys and the Receptionist in a bar.  Josh and Receptionist flirt.  Then she goes to the bathroom and never comes back.  Investigating,they find her purse and a ransom note!

Oh, heck -- the oldest, most cliched, most heterosexist plot device in the book.  Josh will prove his manhood by saving The Girl, with a heteronormative fade-out kiss!  Why not kidnap one of the friends?  They have a stronger emotional bond anyway, and it would be less heterosexist!

I'm going to keep watching anyway.  Maybe this move will redeem itself, somehow.



Scene 11: The guys meet the two beer reps, Clive and Owen, at a deserted warehouse.  Beer reps use a homophobic slur (dick-licker) and ask for $25,000, or The Girl gets it. They leave; Rex shows up to help.

Scene 12: In order to get the money, they use knives to rob a gun store. Ken the Gun Store Guy is happy to be robbed.  He hates guns.  He just works there because his horrible wife is making him.  (Does any guy in this movie actually like girls, or are they all closet cases?).

Then Rex steals the money.

Scene 13:  The guys sit in their car, crying and saying "We're all in this together."  Steven sneaks into his house and opens his Box of Lost Dreams.  Inside is his magic stuff and an envelope conveniently containing $25,000   Then his family wakes up.  "Dad, where were you?  We were going to play catch today!"  "Daddy, read me a story!"  Barf!  No wonder he hates his life!

Scene 14: They return to the warehouse.  Jerry, the Beer Reps, and Receptionist arrive.  She squeals: "Hi, Guys!  I can't wait for you to rescue me!"  Apparently she is having a fun evening.

They make the exchange,  Receptionist leaps into Josh's arms.  The end.  Wait -- still 31 minutes left! That's a long fade-out kiss!

Scene 15:  They drop Receptionist off at her house: "I had such an amazing time tonight!"  Sounds like she would be fun to hang out with.  She is trying to kiss Josh, who acts like he's absolutely not interested, when Jerry arrives to apologize.

Turns out that he wasn't into the kidnapping; the Beer Reps forced him to go along, with it because they're in deep with a bookie and need the $25,000.  He wants to make things right by getting the money back.  Rex wants to help, too, because he really likes Steven. (Finally, a homoerotic subtext!)

Scene 16: Their plan: Go to Owen's house and tattle to his wife  (another guy who hates his wife!).  She has a kid in a cowboy outfit running wild (anachronistic, and isn't it like 2 am?)  Maybe Owen is out bowling, but she hates him, so she's not sure.

Scene 17:  They drop off the crazy Receptionist and go to the all-night bowling alley.  Yet another guy who hates his wife directs them to the snack bar, where the Scary Bar Guy (Memphis-area singer Marty Ray) is so upset by their story that he calls his friend Frank for muscle.

65% of the population of Memphis is black, but Frank is the only black guy in the cast.

Meanwhile, Jerry and Josh have a heart-to-heart and decide to be friends.  They're going to go out...wait....is this homoerotic buddy-bonding?  It feels like a thousand years since this morning.

Scene 18: They track down the Beer Reps and yell at them: "You're not nice people!  You're mean!"

The Bookie arrives, sits them down, and talks about the bully he had as a kid.  He returns the money and gives the Beer Reps a week's extension to pay him.

Scene 19: On the way home, at dawn.  They're all hugging and patting each other.  The end.

No, they still have to confront their own bullies.  Royce tells his wife that he hates her.  Steven gets his wife's permission to go to magic school.  Josh meets with the Receptionist.  She says: "I'm a little crazy.  When I am into a guy, I want to go full throttle.  So let's go inside and get crazy."

She opens her raincoat.  He says "Sure, let's go."  The end.

Boo!  He wasn't interested until she showed her boobs!

Scene 20: The three run into Gary the Nice Boss outside the coffee shop.  Royce apologizes for dissing him earlier; they hug.  After they leave, Gary calls them "Fuckin' losers!  Fuckin' idiots!" Royce comes back and attacks him.  The end, finally!

Beefcake: No.

Gay subtexts: Jerry and Rex don't flirt with women or talk about women, and they seem to be into Josh and Steven, respectively.

Heterosexism:  I'm not sure.  Nearly every guy has a set piece about hating his wife, but there are two fade-out-kiss scenes.

Plot Twists: Lots.

Weird character motivation:  I don't understand Josh not liking then liking the Receptionist, or Gary being nice, then not nice.

My Grade: B.

The Strange Ones

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The reviews say that the relationship between the boy and the man in The Strange Ones is a mystery, but it's not a mystery to me.  Strange is often used as code for gay, as in the earlier movie The Strange One, or Alex Strangelove.  The boy and the man are lovers, promoting the stereotype that gay men are all pedophiles (or in this case ephebophiles).  So I'm watching it, to see how a homophobic movie could get made in 2020.

Scene 1: 14-year old Sam (James Freedson-Jackson) walks through a burning house and looks down at his father, who is dying.  Cut to a car trip through the wilderness of upstate New York, no doubt where Sam and his 20-something boyfriend Nick (Alex Pettyfur) are fleeing after the murder.  They stop for gas, and Nick throws away some incriminating evidence, while Sam gets a text from a friend asking "Why haven't you answered?  Are you dead?"  Sam texts back "Yes."

Maybe he really is dead?  He died in the fire, and Nick is the Angel of Death escorting him to the afterlife.

Scene 2: Back in the car, they share a sandwich (so the dead still eat?) and drive down a deserted highway.  They're heading for a cabin that Nick knows about from his childhood (hey, what if Nick is adult Sam?). 

Scene 3: They stop in a diner.  Nick asks "Are you having fun?"  Weird question to ask of someone who is on his way to the afterlife.

Nick makes a coffee cup disappear to prove that this isn't the real, physical world.  It's all happening in Sam's mind, no doubt during the last few seconds of his life.  But he reiterates their cover story: two brothers on a fun camping trip.

Scene 4: The car breaks down (Charon never had that problem on the River Styx!), so they walk to  one of those old fashioned hotels where every room opens onto the parking lot. While Sam jumps in the pool and pretends to drown, Nick makes arrangements with the flowsy manager, Kelly  She's so turned on that she lets them stay for free.

Sam gives his name as Jeremiah, which reviews latch onto as proof that he doesn't know who he is, but it's obviously an alias.  He doesn't want to be identified as the kid who started the fire.

Scene 5: Kelly calls for a tow truck, and then gives them a ride to the repair shop.  Sam is stuck in the truck bed (grr -- a girl getting between him and the Angel of Death!).

Back at the hotel, where they are sleeping in the same bed, Sam suggests that Nick have sex with Kelly.  Nick shrugs.  Might as well -- beats sex with an underage dead kid.    He leaves Sam to his drawing of a swirling void and goes to the office for the seduction.

Scene 6: Sam is watching a tv news story about the fire and his dead Dad.  I would usually find that odd, but in movies whenever you turn on a tv set, there's a story about your situation on.  He looks out the window, where Nick and Kelly are frolicking in the pool.  This makes him jealous, even though it was his idea.

Later, Nick sneaks in, washes off his dick, and climbs into bed.  He suggests that they stay at the hotel permanently instead of going on to the afterlife.  A girl is keeping you tethered to our world?

Scene 7: Sam wants to keep going -- the afterlife has to be nicer than this dump!  -- so in the morning he tells Kelly that NIck is gay (ya think?) , and just flirting with her to get a free room.  Also everything he has said since they arrived is a lie (well, he can hardly come out as the Angel of Death.  And he might be a kidnapper or a murderer.

I'd be calling the police, thinking that Sam was in trouble, but Kelly idiotically tattles to Nick: "He said you were a kidnapper and a murderer and..."  Nick yells at Sam and slaps him.

Scene 8:  Kelly goes to clean the room, and sees that only one bed was slept in (Not smart, guys -- everybody knows that you always muss up both beds).

Meanwhile, at the auto garage, the car is fixed.  Nick asks "Do you hate me now?"  Sam says "You can go ahead and kill me now."  Too late, buddy.  You're already dead.

Scene 9:  On the road again, through the mountains.  They stop and walk into the woods with camping gear and a shotgun.  Uh-oh.  They run into some hikers, who complain that it's not hunting season yet.  Nick says "Um...um...we're going to..um...do some target practice!"  Gee, you'd think the Angel of Death would be a little more adept at prevarication.

Scene 10:  They reach the isolated cabin.  Nick chops wood while Sam watches, turned on by his muscles.  Then they start a campfire and drink beer and chat.  Sam looks into the fire and starts to cry.

Scene 11: Morning.  Nick really is teaching Sam how to shoot.  Then they explore a cave where Nick spent the night once when he was a kid, after he ran away from his abusive father.  He came out a new person, "like time travel."

They hear a rustling in the woods, and suddenly Nick is shot!  He orders Sam to run, and then hides in the cave.  Sam, running awy, looks down and sees a man lying dead on the grass, and another approaching with a gun.  I'm lost.  What just happened/

Scene 12:  Sam hides in a barn, where two boys, Luke and Jeremiah (Owen and Tobias Campbell), find him.  "Are you new?" they ask.  "I don't think he's one of us."

Weird -- this shot of Tobias is not in the movie, and he's on the hotel set, not at the commune.

 Sam gets food, a shower, fresh clothes, and a bed at a mysterious cult/commune for teenagers.

Scene 13:  Gary, the commune leader, interrogates Sam  Sam says that he doesn't remember anything about his life before the camping trip "with his brother."  Yeah, dead people gradually forget their past life.

Scene 14:   Morning.  The boys get up and join a group assigned to do weeding.  Later Sam takes a shower, and flashes back (or forward) to watching deer with Nick.

Scene 15: Morning.  As Sam walks through the commune, he sees two police cars parked by the main building.  He turns and runs, but they catch him.  A  friendly social worker says "You're a real brave kid.  You've been through a lot."  Also, Nick is dead.

She interrogates him about his relationship with Nick and his father.  Nick lived across the street.  Sam used to spend the night when his father worked late.

So, just a gay kid and his adult boyfriend killing his homophobic father, burning down the house, and running away?  That's so darn mundane.  I was expecting a journey to the afterlife, or Nick as the adult Sam.

Scene 16: Sam is in the hospital, being checked for evidence of sexual activity.  Later, a girl visits with a get-well card signed by the whole class.

Scene 17:  The girl and her mother take Sam in.  They talk about Nick -- he was dating a woman his age before, so how could he be...you know? This is getting more homophobic by the minute.  Where's the Angel of Death when you need him?

The girl wants to know if Nick just "did things to" Sam, or if Sam "did things to"   Nick.  He says "Both."  She tries to start sex, but Sam pushes her away.  Rejected, she says "It's obvious that you were in love with Nick." (So Nick can just wait three years, and he'll be legal in the State of New York.  Or go to Ohio and wait two years.  Or go to Spain and have at it)

Scene 18:  Sam runs away, goes into the woods, and suddenly he's with Nick again.  And suddenly he's talking to Gary at the commune about his nightmares. Then Dad is apologizing for abusing him.  Then Gary says "It's not real.  It's all in your head."  Then Sam follows his spirit cat to the cave where Nick spent the night as a kid and turned into someone else.

Beefcake:  Nick shows his chest, and in one scene his butt.  Sam shows a lot more, if you're into that sort of thing.  A couple of cute guys wandering around the commune.

Gay Characters: Both Sam and Nick are gay, but it's all mixed up.

Homophobia:  Equation of being gay with pedophilia.

Disappointed:  Very.  I wanted something a little more interesting than two guys on the run after a murder.  But then there's the final cave.  Maybe Sam will spend the night there and come out as Nick.
It's fun to speculate.

My Grade: B

Gaffney: 52 Gay Athletes, A Shirtless Wrestling Team, and a Bodybuilder

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If they are lining up for the kissing booth, I volunteer to take over for the next couple of hours.

Yes, it will take a couple of hour to go through all six.




The Facebook page of the this college wrestling team has them doing all sorts of things besides wrestling, usually with their shirts off.  Here, they appear to be digging.

The college will surprise you, and the state will shock you.  Check out the full post on A Gay Guide to Small Town America.

The Gay Rat Pack

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Between 1960 and 1965, when all-American beefcake was giving way to suave, sophisticated, and cool, The Rat Pack ruled Las Vegas.  They were five actors and singers, performing regularly at casinos like the Sands.  They were famous for living the Cool Life, drinking, gambling, sporting, chasing dames, and having fun. They were famous for their connections to the mob and the Kennedys.  But mostly they were famous for being friends. When one appeared, he was asked about the others.  Their spats and reconciliations made front page news.

The homoerotic subtext of the Rat Pack bond is obvious -- today, anyhow.  They were all about male bonding, with the intensity and physicality of romance.  And audiences cheered them for it.

Some of them were bisexual in real life.  Others were homophobic -- even more than what one expects in the homophobic 1960s.  In order, from least to most gay-friendly, they were:





5. Frank Sinatra, age 45 in 1960 (top photo), The Chairman of the Board, a teen sensation of the 1940s, still releasing old standbys and finding a whole new generation of fans. Although he starred in the gay symbolism-heavy On the Town, he also starred in one of the more homophobic movies of the 1960s, The Detective (1968), and was reputedly so homophobic in real life that he threatened reputedly-gay Johnny Mathis.

4.Joey Bishop, 42-year old comedian, sitcom star, later talk show host. Married during the days of the Rat Pack womanizing, kept to himself a lot.  Bff of future talk show host Regis Philbin.

3. Dean Martin (left), age 43, whose comedy act with Jerry Lewis in the 1950s had distinctive, perhaps intended homoerotic undertones.  In the 1960s he released some popular songs, had a comedy-variety show and starred in the detective-spoof Matt Helm series. His son, Dean Paul Martin, was bisexual.


2. Peter Lawford, 37 year old former child actor, later a tv star (he was on The Doris Day Show).  Everyone thought he was gay; Louis B. Mayer went as far as to order testosterone injections as a "cure." Got married to Pat Kennedy, the future President's sister, over the objections of her father -- he didn't want his daughter married to a gay guy. Reputedly had relationships with Tarzan Gordon Scott, Rock Hudson, and Merv Griffith.











1. Sammy Davis Jr., age 35, "Mr. Show Business," dancer, singer, actor.  Converted to Judaism.  Kissed Archie Bunker on a famous episode of All in the Family.  Bisexual, tended toward men, preferred clean-cut all-American types.  Closeted to the other Brat Packers (except maybe Peter Lawford), but opened up to teen idol Paul Anka, whom he thought was gay (everyone did at the time).  Mentioned being bisexual in print as early as 1978. Died in 1990.

See also: Dean Paul Martin

Cristian Letelier: From Romance Novel Model to Swishbuckler

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Did you know that there are models who specialize in the covers of romance novels?  It takes a special look -- they have to be super-buffed yet soft and sensitive, exotic yet down-to-earth, rebels waiting to be tamed by the love of a woman.

Over the years, Cristian Letelier has lent his soft, sensitive yet rock-hard physique to dozens of romance novel covers.  He's been involved in many other aspects of the man-mountain industry.  He's a runway and print model, a former Chippendales dancer, a kickboxing instructor, the host of a Spanish-language fitness program broadcast in 32 countries, his own line of fitness products.







We attended USC at the same time, but I didn't meet him.

He's also been in 12 movies and tv series, including Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan (1982), as one of the genetically engineered superhumans in Ricardo Montalban's crew; Look (2007) as a "Stripper Cop," and First Strike (2009), as a buffed scientists trying to stop a terrorist-unleashed supervirus.

And Swishbucklers (2010), the only movie I've ever heard of produced in Monaco. When their beloved dojo is threatened with closure by an evil corporation, three "macho" martial artists try to raise money by joining an all-gay production of The Three Musketeers.  

I've only seen the trailer on youtube.  Horribly homophobic!  Catty queens from the 1960s swishing about.  What did you expect from the title?


So I'm going to guess that Cristian is not a gay ally.


Julie and the Phantoms: Gay Teen Romance from Beyond the Grave

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Julie and the Phantoms on Netflix, about an aspiring singer who starts a band with three ghosts, has the look and the feel of a Disney Channel teencom.  Aren't they all about aspiring singers?   But it's Netflix, so there is gay representation.

15-year old Julie (Madison Reyes) has the standard teencom overprotective single parent, bratty little brother, It-Girl nemesis, and dreamy-boy crush named Nick (why aere they always named Nick?).  Her life changes when she accidentally releases three members of a boy band who died after eating bad hot dugs in 1995  (a fourth didn't eat the hot dogs, and lived):  They are:

1. Calm lead guitarist Luke (Charlie Gillespie, left)






2. Goofball Reggie (Jeremy Shada).  Unfortunately, this is a teencom, so no beefcake.

3. Skateboarder Alex (Owen Joyner, below), who came out as gay shortly before they died.  Not to worry, the other guys are totally cool with it.  .  In fact,  they are so completely nonchalant about gay subtexts, hanging all over each other all the time, singing love songs to each other, that they seem like a post-gay anachronism.  Were any teens really so nonchalant about gayness in 1995?

The guys adapt quickly to being dead and 25 years in the future.  True to sitcom logic, only Julie can see or hear them -- except when they are singing.  So why not start the band up again?  Julie explains that they vanish at the end of each number because they are in Sweden, performing through holograms.

Yes, we hear the songs.

Teencom complications ensue for Julie, mostly about keeping the secret, pursuing dreamy Nick, and gaining the confidence to sing on her own (she hasn't been able to sing since her mother died).  The boys must deal rather poignantly with the faact that their parents, their surviving band mate, everyone they loved has moved on and lived without them for 25 years.



Alex begins dating a Native American ghost named Willie (Booboo Stewart).  Their physical contact is limited to holding hands and hugging, but since this is a teencom, that's all the heterosexuals get, too.  






Willie accidentally becomes the conduit of the season's major plot arc:  He is enslaved by an evil ghost named Caleb (Cheyenne Jackson).  When Caleb finds out about the guys, he wants their souls, too.  If they fail to comply, he will destroy them; they will cease to exist.

 The only way to escape is to go on to the afterlife by finishing the "unfinished business" that is keeping them earthbound.   But what is it?

Spoiler alert: They finish the unfinished business in the season finale, but they don't go on to the afterlife.  Instead, the evil Caleb takes over Nick's body.  So there will no doubt be a Season 2.

My grade: B.

The Rainbow Bridge Motel: Darren Dumps Samantha for Uncle Arthur

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The Rainbow Bridge Motel,
on Amazon Prime,  is rated 16+ because:
a. There's lots of explicit sex
b. It mentions that gay people exist. 
The answer is B, of course.  So I'm already in a bad mood going in.

Scene 1: Lots of postcards from Niagara Falls, the famous honeymoon site.  A plane lands.  An exuberant swishy guy bounces down into the concourse, dragging his button-down conservative boyfriend. 

How did these two polar opposites ever hook up?  It's like Darren Stevens from from Bewitched dumped Samantha for Uncle Arthur. 

An impossibly aggressive dispute at the luggage carousel leads to a ruptured suitcase, a display of bikini-brief underwear and dozens of passersby staring in astonishment.

A "complementary shuttle" will take them to the "Rainbow Bridge Motel, Nigara's #1 Gay Wedding Destination."  It turns out to be a crappy van with a disco ball chandelier,


Scene 2:
   We meet Shibbawitz, an immigrant from one of those "we just met -- let's hug!" countries, who is trying to revive the long-faded Rainbow Bridge Motel by making it a gay wedding destination. Except he didn't tell his elderly housekeeper, who is busily connecting two twin beds into one in the "Rock Hudson Room."  

Cut to the shuttle, driving farther and farther from the falls.

At the hotel, Shibbawitz is s performing a wedding, but he doesn't know if it's two women or a man and a woman, so he stumbles overr "I now pronnounce you...um...man?....you know, we should have discussed this in advance."  The couple becomes the sourse of a transphobic subplot.

The shuttle drives farther and farther away. 

Scene 3:  They finally arrive at the hotel, with a chemical plant on one side and a roaring highway on the other, constant noise and smoke.   Hey, the conservative partner is really named Darren!  The campy Uncle Arthur clone doesn't get a name until Scene 8: Dean.

Elderly Housekeeping Guy looks out the window, yells "Two men!  Two men!," and starts separating them again..

Darren and Dean are upset by the "false advertising," but Shibbawitz cannily explains that the internet add promised "a great view of Niagara Falls" -- the old inudstrial town.  And he promises to fix the twin beds.

Elderly Houskeeping Guy hammers the twin beds together, then brings in a fold-out cot.  "Two men!" he mutters.  "Two beds."   

Scene 4:  Button-down Darren, a designer, actually likes the view -- an homage to the great era of American industry -- but swishy Dean hates it. They try to find another hotel, but everything is booked by the Traditional Values Coalition, the Bible Thumpers Alliance, and Hating Gays, Inc.  So they have no choice.

Scene 5:  They look at the actual waterfall, which is impressive even on film. Dean wants to kiss, like all the heterosexual couples. Darren refuses -- with all the gay-haters around, they will be killed.  But Dean insults him until he consents.  A group of traditional values types is fine with the kissing, but when Dean announces tht they are getting married, the anti-gays attack.  Run away!

Scene 6:  .Complication: Button-down Darren is already married -- to a woman!  Sorry, she's named Maggie, not Samantha.   "It only lasted two years.  I left.  She doesn't even know I'm gay"  And she never signed the divorce papers.  Dean is shocked, both by Darren deceiving him and by his heterosexual past.  Darren digs himself deeper by stating that he and Maggie had a "real wedding" -- as opposed to, you know, two guys.


Scene 7:
The super-swishy, eye-rolling, double-entendre spouting friends arrive and want to part-tay.  They criticize Darren for being too straight-acting, not really gay. 

Meanwhile Darren calls Maggie, who agrees to sign the papers and drive them up.  Then he falls in toxic sludge.  At least we see Darren's chest.-- the only beefcake in the whole movie!  

Scene 8: Now Dean is demanding a church wedding, with a priest and everything.  Turns out that he's a devout Catholic.  Why didn't he mention this before -- oh, yeah, he's upset over Dean's heterosexual past.  Except Darren's mother thinks she is Jewish because she has a Jewish ancestor back somewhere in her family tree  She celebrates Christmas and eats bacon, but she will not accept an interfaith or Catholic wedding.  . .

We discover that Dean is a Canadian citizen.  This will be important later.

Scene 9: Darren has lunch with his sports-loving dad, hot college-age brother in a muscle shirt (below), and faux-Jewish Mom. He announces that they will be having a Christian wedding.  Mom shrieks about how difficult it was for her to accept him being gay, and now this!

Scene 10: Dean and swishy friend scope out Catholic churchess. They find one that they think is perfect, but it looks rather ordinary, actually bare for a Catholic church.   The very nice priest is fine with them being gay.  He's not allowed to perform a gay wedding (darn Letter to the Bishops!), but advises Dean that he doesn't need a priest: "the communion of two souls makes it real."

Actually, I don't believe for a second that Darren and Dean even like each other.


Scene 11:
The wife arrives, not realizing that Darren is gay.. She keeps asking to meet the fiancee, while Darren hedges, and Mom tries to get them back together.  Finally Dean and Swishy Friend show up.  Secrets come out, there is yelling, there are accusations:
Maggie: "I turned you gay!"
Mom: "You're still in love with Maggie!"
Dean: ""You're still in the closet!  You don't want anyone to know!  That's why you picked a hotel so far from our home!"

Dean responds by asking Maggie to be his best "man."  (Gee, you'd think they already filled that job.)

Scene 12:  Drag bar.  Or do all gay bars have drag queens?  Dean is bitching with his friends.  They suggest that he have sex with a girl to "even out" Darren's heterosexual past.  I don't think it works that way.  Fortunately, he isn't up for it.

Meanwhile, Darren, Maggie, and Younger Brother raid a church to steal a cross and a statue of Jesus (they accidentally get St. Joseph instead)..  They are arrested.  Fortunately, it's the same church that Dean visited earlier, so the priest doesn't  press charges.  He gives them the contraband.

Scene 13: They are installing the cross and statue, when Dean's friends rush in and explain the latest complication.  They walked across the pedestrian bridge into Canada, where Dean discovered that his work visa has expired, so he can't return to the States. 

Wait -- why didn't they film this scene? Show, don't tell, remember?   It sounds like it would be funny, and they could skip the queasy transphobic subplot!.

Scene 14: Dean's Mom gives him a heart to heart: "Life isn't perfect.  It's messy.  It's chaotic. But that's what makes it worth living."  Nice, coming from a character who has not yet appeared on screen.

Scene 15:  They figure out a clever way to have the wedding anyway.  The two groups, with the cross and St. Joseph statue, meet in the middle of the pedestrian bridge, and while a guard yells "No loitering!", Shibbawitz quickly reads the vows.  Or the Americans could just go to Canada?

My Grade:  Lots of plot complications for their own sake.  Darren and Dean have not the slightest chemistry; they behave as if they can't stand being in the same room with each other.  Transphobic subplot.  All gay men are swishes (except Darren).  But everyone (except Darren  the Insufferable Jerk) is very nice, and there are some good location shots in Buffalo.  I'll give it a B-.

Babysitter Killer Queen: No Queens, Just Hetero Porn

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Since "queen" is slang for "feminine gay man." I assumed that the Netflix movie Babysitter Killer Queen would be about a gay teenager who babysits and kills. The boy in the trailer certainly is feminine! So I didn't even bother to research it. Maybe I should have.

Prologue: A bloody boy leaves a house and tells his astonished parents, "I don't need a babysitter anymore."  Flashcard: Two years later.  Weird way to start a movie.

Scene 1: Cole(Judah Lewis in a psycho-killer outfit) is walking through a high school, complaining: "Everybody thinks I made it up -- that I'm crazy."  Made what up? He gets bullied and ridiculed by guffawing students. pointed at, and called a "pussy."  Clearly this isn't a high school from the 21st century, with anti-bullying programs part of the curriculum, so I  suggest not wearing a psycho-killer outfit.

Does he look like Cole Sprouse on purpose?



Scene 2: 
Cole is in his psychiatrist's office, on a cliche couch that hasn't been used for psychotherapy since the 1920s, describing whatever happened 2 years ago: "dead guy, blood, guy with his shirt off for no reason."  Let's hear more about the shirt off. 

Shrink suggests a solution: "We gotta get you laid."  Dude, not appropriate!

Scene 3:  At school, more ridicule. A jck laughs and points, but his girl turns and smiles.  Geez, this is one of those 1980s movies where The Girl of His Dreams is dating an obnoxious jock that nobody in real life could stand to be with for a second, just so the nerd can "win" her.  How horribly heterosexist and cliched!  Where's the killer queen?

In class, teacher is lecturing on Faust (the guy who sold his soul to the devil) when a half-naked girl sashays in (in slow motion, naturally).  The principal introduces her as a new student, Phoebe.  She's mean, sarcastic, demanding, and as the teacher says, "a crazy beach."  

Scene 4:  Dad is juggling while Mom does the dishes.  Dad admits that he's creeped out by his kid, not realizing that Cole is lurking at the door.  They hem and haw and stumble.  Geez, does he have eerie powers or something?  What are they afraid of?

Scene 5: Later, Cole takes his pills while staring into the mirror like a psycho.  A half-naked girl named Melanie face=times him to discuss the Faust assignment.  He happens to pick up his masturbation lotion.  Dad bursts in and  thinks they are having cybersex.  Har-har.  

Dad talks to Mom:  "We're going to do this, right?  After lunch tomorrow?"  Hey, Cole seems fully functional, except for living in a 1980s teen nerd movie.  No need for institutionalization!  And if he does need to be institutionalized, maybe talk it over with him?

Scene 6:  Cole finds the brochure from the psychiatric hospital, and his appointment for 1:00 today!  He goes to school and tells Melanie, who suggests "we're all going to the lake this weekend.  Come with us."  Will that help?  And if they're good friends, why wasn't he invited before?


Scene 7:
In class, Cole stares at Phoebe.  Teacher calls on him, he stands up to answer, then stumbles and falls, so the class can laugh and point some more (instead of asking if he's sick?  I get it, everybody in the school except for The Girl is an obnoxious jerk.  Shall we advance the plot?

Scene 8:  Coles' parents are here to take him to the psychiatric hospital.  He ditches them to get into a car with Melanie and some bullies, and they drive off.

Looking for him, the parents visit Juan, the stoner next door, who also happens to be Melanie's Dad.  He tells them that Melanie and her boyfriend Jimmy usually ditch school on Fridays and go to the lake.  Cole probably went with them. 

Scene 9: Snack and gas stop.  While the bullies whoop and holler and vandalize, Melanie gets all gooey around Cole.  She's clearly in love with him, she just doesn't realize it for plot contrivance reasons.  The half-naked attendant tries to sell him condoms.

How often have you been to a gas station where the attendant  is wearing a black leather outfit with a bare midriff and most of her breasts hanging out? 

They reach the lake.  Establishing shot of 3,000 girls in bikinis gyrating, and a few guys in the background.  It's like an X-rated Frankie and Annette beach movie.

My original belief that Cole is gay has long since been quashed.  So have my hopes that this movie would be gay-inclusive, or that the writers would be aware that our culture has changed since 1985, or that the director would be aware that this is not supposed to be heterosexual porn.  I'm fast-forwarding.

Turns out that Melanie and the bullies plan to sacrifice Cole to the devil.  Also they could be the ghosts of the kids who died two years ago, in the event that everyone thinks Cole imagined.  Or some living Satanists, some ghosts.

Phoebe, who they also invited, isn't into the whole human-sacrifice thing.  She saves Cole, or Cole saves her, or something.  Dad sees the bullies or ghosts bursting into flame, and realizes that Cole is not crazy.  Cole kisses Phoebe to demonstrate that he's also heterosexual.

Last Scene: Cole, now dressed in 1980s Tom Cruise cool, is relaxed and confident, telling his shrink that it was all a hallucination.  Shrink is thrilled. "You got some pussy, didn't you?"

Yep, he had sex with a girl.  That's the cure to every psychiatric problem, isn't it?


Ok, I checked: this movie came out in 2020, not 1985.  It has five writers, none of whom have ever written anything else. They also haven't seen a movie in 30 years.  The director is someone named McG, who is oddly not a rapper; his previous credits are mostly in music videos: Barenaked Ladies, Pussycat Dolls, and so on.

That explains the half-naked girls.  He thought he was filming a music video.

The Only Redeeming Characteristics of This Insulting Schlock Fest: Boyfriend Jimmy (Maximillian Acevedo, above) and one of the ghost-bullies (Robbie Amell, left) display their physiques But wouldn't you know, the photos on IMDB only show boobacious girls.


George Ranch: Bodybuilding in the Most Desolate Place in the World

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Bodybuilding is only a high school sport in Alaska and Florida, so when I discovered that this rather cut bodybuilder was from George Ranch High School, I assumed one state or the other.
Turns out that it's in Texas, in a desolate unincorporated area just southwest of the most southwestern suburb of...ugh... Houston.












You could not possibly imagine a more desolate location -- on FM 762 Road, whatever that means, next to Reading Junior High and Polly Ryon Middle School, and nothing else for miles and miles.



I always thought that "middle school" was just a pretentious synonym for "junior high," like saying "dinner" instead of "supper."  Looking at the websites, all I could tell is that the junior high has a sports team, and the middle school does not.
The rest of the bodybuilders are on A Gay Guide to Small Town America

Maximillian Acevedo: From Tragic Childhood to Bodybuilder Bae

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Maximilian Acevedo,  who plays the killer babysitter's boyfriend in the schlockfest Baby Sitter Killer Queen, seems to think that his character is nice.  He posts this photo of Jimmy insulting Cole with the caption: "Don't worry, Bro.  Jimmy will take care of everything."

Or maybe Jimmy turned out to be a good guy while I was fast forwarding.




Max has an instagram page with 18,000 followers, where he posts a lot of pictures with his shirt off and get comments like "Shit!" and falling-in-love emojis.

And a youtube channel comprised mostly of workout videos.  "A Day in the Life" is sort of interesting.  He spends the whole day running and working out amid iconic L.A. landmarks.

According to his biography on IMDB, Max grew up in poverty in Las Vegas. At age 14, he decided to overcome adversity by "turning his body into a work of art."   

An interview on the podcast "Belly of the Beast" goes into more detail about his traumatic and scary childhood:

Looking at his dad through the glass window when he visited him in jail.

Hit, insulted, locked in a room, and "touched" by his mom's boyfriends.

Bullied in school due to his preference for bright colors and rainbows.

Being homeless; wondering why he was even alive.  


Like many bullied and abused kids, Max found salvation at the gym, and then on the stage.

He moved to L.A. in 2019, did some fitness promos and modeling, and then got an agent and started going on auditions for films and tv.

Maximilian has been on screen five times, which is quite a lot for someone who has had an agent for only about a year, during a pandemic where most productions were shut down.

1. The short "Super Hero Last Day of School,"  in which Batman, Spiderman, Deadpool, and others are high school students.  He plays the shirtless superhero Winter Soldier.

2. The tv pilot I Am, about a high school student's "thirst for power."

3. Lawn Ranger, an incompetent supervillain "here to cut your grass and kick your ass," on the Nickleodeon superhero spoof Henry Danger.

4. Also on Henry Danger, Mr. Nice Guy, a smiley-face-masked vigilante who punishes people for being rude.

5. The schlockfest Baby Sitter thing


According to his biography, Max also done a "true crime" show for the Oxygen Network, and he plays himself on the animated Thumpy on Cruise TV, but I can find no other references to these projects. Cruise TV was a British channel advertising holiday cruises.

Max doesn't mention dating anyone in any of his extensive biographies or interviews, or in the extensive comments on his instagram page, except for the caption to a photo of him in Santa Monica: "Bae Watch" (a bae is a romantic partner of any gender).  

Plus there's that rainbows and bright color thing.

So I assume that he's gay.

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