NYSocBoy's Beefcake and Bonding

1. At the age of 17, he won the grand prize for modeling at the World Championship of the Performing Arts, an annual competition for aspiring singers, actors, models, and so on. It draws performers from 60 countries and gives out millions of dollars in scholarships as prizes.

2. He's currently rated #9 of the top 10 models, and #4 of the top male models, represented by the Sutherland Agency in Toronto. I especially like their link "Click here for package." It wasn't the package I was expecting, though.

3. In his day job, he runs a construction company in Calgary. He has also studied motorcycle repair.

4. His biggest acting credit is a 5-episode run as Hardy Champ, the sister's boyfriend on Wynonna Earp, until she dumps him for a girl. His tumblr states that he hates the character of Champ: "he wanted to do something with his life, but he failed, and now he's just given up."

5. He also had a guest spot as "Cool Guy" on Young Drunk Punk, a semi-autobiographical series about Bruce McCulloch (Kids in the Hall) growing up in Calgary in the 1980s.

6. In Gavin Crawford's Wild Wild West, a mockumentary in which Gavin Crawford plays six eccentric Calgary residents, one of his characters is a gay cattle rancher who wants to open a dude ranch with his husband. Dylan plays someone named Damien.

7. He's gotten considerably inked of late, considerably reducing his attractiveness. But his body, his rules.

8. Dylan's only other film credit is the short Heartland. I found a copy on director Brian Paccione's website, but I don't know what it's about. People dressed in circus sideshow costumes chase each other through woods.

9. Heartland is also the title of a short film about a gay man who returns from the City to the Heartland to help out his ailing dad and cruise the farmboys.

10. His facebook page has a photo of him posing with a woman and child with his last name, so he might not be gay. But another photo shows him in tandem with these two hunkoids, so you never know.

Sometimes our ability to use the internet to find out almost everything about almost anybody leads down some curious rabbit holes.

The person in the middle is striking, too tiny to be real. He doesn't have the right proportions to be a dwarf or a child, yet he must be about 4 feet tall. I figure the photo must be a photoshop trick or some deliberately staged optical illusion.

It's from a 2013 newspaper article, "Thunder Bay Wrestlers Gold Medal Winners," which they received at the Canada Summer Games. No evidence of photoshopping or deliberate staging: the middle person is just very tiny. His name is Marco, and he volunteers as a coach and referee in youth wrestling tournaments.

Coaches and referees are always adults, so he's not a child or a high school student. He must be over 18.

This is the beginning of a mysterious journey through conflicting, constantly shifting ages.

1. Marco is 24-26. The Canada Games, held every two years, are like a national Olympics, with 1700 amateurs representing their province in athletics, baseball, basketball, diving, wrestling, and so on. You have to be ages 13-20, so Marco was 18-20 in 2013.

2. Marco is 17-20. There aren't many Marcos from Thunder Bay, Ontario, so it was easy to find his Facebook page. Lots of beefcake photos, but no specific age information.

A post from 2018 does state that he got a silver medal at the Junior Pan-American Championships in Fortaleza, Brazil.

The Junior Pan-American Championships, sponsored by United World Wrestling, are held every two years. They are for athletes 16-19 years old.

So 17-20, or 24-26? Which is it?

3. Marco is 20-21. This post from May 2016 shows him at Prom with someone named Nikolas, who is now studying for his nursing degree.

Wait -- is Marco gay?

I don't know, but this isn't his prom date. St. Patrick, a Catholic high school in Thunder Bay, would never allow same-sex dates at senior prom. Nikolas must be just a bud. But anybody who goes to senior prom in 2016 has to be 20-21 now.

20-21, 17-20, 24-26. Curioser and curioser.

4. Marco is 22-24. He must have graduated earlier, and went to someone else's senior prom. Here is a photo of Marco from 2017, a year later, as a member of the wrestling team at Lakeland University, a public research university with 8,000 students. He's in his third year, studying business commerce, hoping to become an entrepreneur.

A junior in college in 2017, but 16-19 in 2018? Something does not add up.

5. Marco is 20-21. In 2015, he initiates a "Go Fund Me" that raises $3,777 to send Team Canada to a European competition. He states that he's 16 years old and has been wrestling for the Lakehead Wrestling Club for 5 years.

So he coached youth wrestling as a child, played at the Canada Games in 2013 at age 13 (thus explaining why he's so tiny surrounded by adults), graduated from high school in 2016 at age 17, spend through college to be in his third year by 2017, and competed in the Jnior Pan Am games in 2018 at age 19.

That's quite a career. Next question: what's with the hat?

I'm a sucker for all renditions of Alice in Wonderland, especially those that try to create a coherent fantasy world from Lewis Carroll's disjointed dream-journeys through the looking glass. So when Comixology recommended Revenge of Wonderland, I immediately said "Ok, let's see a plot synopsis."

It's been a long time since Alice Liddle's daughter Callie escaped the twisted world that her mother was pulled into many years ago. But the insanity of Wonderland has returned, and this time around things are much more dangerous and horrifying than ever before.

Alice Liddell Hargreaves, the inspiration behind Alice in Wonderland, was born in 1852, so any daughter of hers would be 120 at the youngest.

And, in the comic book, Alice is Lewis Carroll's daughter. Nope, she was the daughter of Dean Henry Liddell, Carroll's colleague at Oxford, and his...um...girlfriend or fantasy girlfriend. So I'm already not happy.

But I still buy the book. I still want to know about this rendition of Wonderland.

Boobs. Women's breasts everywhere. Closeups. Filling entire panels. Women otherwise reclining in slinky catwoman costumes, their long, shapely legs in the air. Butts and breasts and thighs and legs. God help me, I'm in a 1940s pinup.

Help! I need masculinity, stat! I don't care who or what, tattoos, rings, weird beards, whatever, just get me a chest with pecs!

Whew, that's better. Ok, I'm ready to continue.

There are four main sets of boobs:
1. The boobs belonging to Callie, Alice Liddell's daughter, rate the cover of Time magazine because she's a bestselling author (who apparently thought she was going to a photo shoot for Playboy). Her stories are all about Wonderland. Fans have no idea that they're real.

2. The boobs belonging to Violet, Callie's daughter, who is trying to get her mother to admit that Wonderland is real.

The only male character who gets more than a tenth of a panel is Benny, who works with Violet's boobs at the auto garage. She comes the rescue when he is being harassed by some bullies for being mentally disabled. But after two pages, he vanishes, and it's more boobs, boobs, boobs.

I'm not going to be able to make it. More lady parts than I've ever seen in my life, filling every panel. I'm going to be sick. More beefcake, now!

This photo contains 21 penises (some are hidden, but I know that they are there). Just keep thinking about the penises.

Right, I was going through a rundown of the main boobs...um, I mean characters. Callie's, Violet's, and...

3. The boobs belonging to a girl who suspects their secret, and is trying her hardest to find a way into Wonderland while wearing underwear. She eventually gets there.

4. The boobs belonging to the White Queen, who is kidnapping people from our world to turn into her slaves, after modifying them to have no eyes or mouths. So they can't look at her boobs?

Ok, that's it. I've gotten through the entire disgusting volume, including the last 20 pages, devoted to pin-up pictures of the 4 main sets of boobs.

We never did get to Wonderland.

One more penis to tide me over, and then I need a shower.

Who's responsible for this travesty?

Art by Allen Otero, who has drawn a lot of other boob comics. He lives in Acapulco, Mexico. When he's not drawing boobs, he's posting memes of Bible verses.

So he's doing the Lord's work? Of course, I look at a hundred penises before breakfast...but it's not my life's work.

I also found a quote about how you should be allowed to try to change your "sexual preference" if you want to. Why should we assume that you're stuck? Why not give people hope?

Allen has a wife and six daughters, no sons. I imagine he's never seen a penis before, not even his own.

Now about that shower...

The tv series Stranger Things, now in its third season, is an homage to 1980s Goonies movies, with monster-fighting kids in stereotypic small-town Indiana. I watched some of the first season, but couldn't figure out what was going on -- it was a mishmash of psychic powers, alternate worlds, missing children, and parents with histrionic backstories.

So I am starting Season 3, Episode 1 fresh, mostly looking for gay characters and beefcake, but also trying, once again, to figure out the painfully interrelated characters and endless back stories in this monsterized Peyton Place.

Prelude: A top-secret underground lab in the old Soviet Union, where scientists are trying to break on through to the other side. When they finally manage to blast a crack in the wall, something slithery and horrible comes out and kills them, then goes back in. The experiment was a failure. "You have one year!" Colonel Klink growls.

1. In stereotypic small-town Indiana, Sheriff Hopper (David Harbour, top photo) is annoyed about his daughter and another girl kissing.

A lesbian couple! Score! When they pull back, I find that they're not lesbians after all, but it's still cool that they're so gender-atypical. The more masculine one is the girl, El (Millie Bobby Brown), and the more feminine one is:

2. Mike (Finn Wolfhard).

Great name, although he looks less like a Wolf Hard than anyone I can imagine.

Sheriff Harper doesn't want his masculine daughter having sex with a feminine boy, or anyone, for that matter, so he asks advice of Joyce (Wynona Ryder), his old girlfriend, who runs a local drug store that has fallen on bad times since the opening of the mall.

Joyce suggests a heart-to-heart talk; but when the Sheriff tries the talk, the teens laugh at him, so he drags Mike out to his truck and threatens to kill him.

3. Lucas (Caleb McLaughlin) is at the new mall with his girlfriend Max and another feminine boy, Will (who looks like Mike's brother but isn't). Finally Mike and El show up, apologizing for being late -- the sex took longer than they expected.

They are sneaked into the movie Day of the Dead by:

4. Steve (Joe Keery), the ex-boyfriend of Nancy (Mike's older sister), who works at a horrible ice cream place in the mall.

Afterwards Steve tries to pick up every female customer in sight, but usually fails. His coworker Robin is keeping a tally (spoiler alert: Robin turns out to be a lesbian.)

By the way, Nancy (Steve's ex, Mike's older sister) is now dating:

5. Jonathan (Charlie Heaton), the older brother of the androgynous Will, who was waiting at the mall with Lucas and Max.

Both Jonathan and Will, by the way, are sons of Joyce, the ex-girlfriend of Sheriff Hopper who works at the drugstore downtown.

Jonathan sneaks Nancy (Mike's older sister) out of the bedroom, and she goes to work at a horrible job bringing hamburgers to the local newspaper staff and having them make fun of her ideas.

Turns out that Mom Joyce is aware of Jonathan's sexploits, and fully approves. His heterosexuality established, she turns her attention to:

6. Will (Noah Schnapp). the androgynous boy who looks like Mike's brother but isn't. "You'll meet a girl someday, yada yada yada."

"I'm not gonna fall in love!" he exclaims. So he's either asexual/ aromantic, or he means "with a girl," and he's gay.

Spoiler alert: later on, during a fight, Mike exclaims that Will doesn't like girls, and he gets all upset. But he doesn't express any interest in boys or girls this season. Maybe the writers are ok with lesbians but skittish about gay men.

After Joyce's "what girl do you like?" interrogation, Will meets up with his friends (El, Mike, Max, and Lucas), where they use El's magical powers to arrange a welcome-home surprise party for:

7. Dustin (Gaten Matarazzo), who has been away at summer camp. He got a girlfriend there, so instead of doing something fun, he insists that they all trek to a mountaintop to install a makeshift radio tower, so he can call her via short wave (what, no telephones in Utah?)

There's no answer. They hang out all afternoon, abandoning him one by one, until he's all alone. Then finally he gets a message -- but it's in Russian!

8. That night, Joyce, having rejected Sheriff Hopper's dinner invitation, is eating microwaved lasagna and peas and watching Cheers. All of a sudden Sean Astin is sitting next to her, laughing at Cheers and asking whether Sam and Diane (the "will they or won't they" couple) will ever get together. Apparently this is a metaphor for Joyce, who has been rejecting Sheriff Hopper for quite some time. But I have no idea what Sean Astin was doing there.

8. Billy Hargrove (Dacre Montgomery), the older brother of Max (one of Mike's friends, the girl who is dating Caleb) works as a lifeguard, where lots of middle-aged women are lusting after him.

He tries to pick up Karen Wheeler, the mother of Nancy and Mike. Initially she resists, probably due to his horrible 1980s double-entendre talk: "I could give you a...private lesson...I know some...moves...the breast stroke...." But she then she agrees, gets dolled up, and leaves her husband and youngest child asleep on the couch to head out for her hookup.

On the way to the hookup, Billy hits something slithery that drags him into an old abandoned iron mill. Call back to the Russian blasting experiment?

That's all for this episode, but see how nicely everyone is interconnected?

10. To get to 10, I had to go to Episode 2, where Grigori (Andrey Ivchenko) shows up, a Russian agent assigned to beat up Sheriff Hopper and otherwise cause mischief.

I don't think I'll be watching.

My grade: B for the gender-atypical and queer characters, D for the plot.

In 1986, the preteen Addy gets lost on the boardwalk at Santa Cruz. She's only gone for 15 minutes, but when she returns, she is so traumatized that she cannot speak. Even after recovering, she never tells anyone what happened to her.

She never returns to Santa Cruz, for obvious reasons, until 2018, when her boorish, clueless husband Gabe (Winston Duke, left) insists: he needs to kiss up to his wealthy coworker Josh (Tim Heidecker, below).

"See, Honey, something terrible happened to me on the beach at Santa Cruz. That's why I spent all those years in therapy, and still wake up screaming. So I'd rather not go."

"We're going."

"Ok, but I absolutely won't go to the beach where the terrible thing happened."

"We're going to the beach."

Jerk.

So they grab their teenage daughter and preteen son (Zora and Jason) and head out to the same summer house that her parents took her to 30 years ago.

That night there's a home invasion. The intruders look exactly like Addy, Gabe, Zora, and Jason, except their movements are jerky and uncoordinated, they don't seem to be intelligent or even sentient, and they scream a lot. Only the Addy-double can speak, in a pained, wheezing voice, as if she's suffocating.

This is obviously not an ordinary home invasion, but the clueless Gabe keeps saying "Do you want money? You can have my car."

Addy-double explains that in 1986, Addy stumbled upon an old government laboratory, and somehow Addy-double was created. She grew up in the lab, tethered to Addy, forced to imitate her actions, but with rocks instead of toys, and nothing to eat but raw, bloody rabbits. When Addy married, Gabe-double appeared, but he was a grinning idiot (real-world Gabe the idiot squared). When Addy gave birth, so did Addy-double, but her children were non-sentient monsters. Finally they have broken free, and come for revenge.

What a coincidence that she breaks free the moment Addy returns to Santa Cruz.

Fighting, running, schepping on boats, killing, schlepping on boats again, and finally the family ends up at Jason's house. But he and his family have just been killed by doubles of their own.

More fighting and killing, and then some time to watch tv: apparently doubles have been popping up all over the country.

Post-apocalyptic fighting and killing. Fade out to millions of doubles forming a hands across America chain.

Wait -- how could millions of doubles fit into that single underground lab? They are physical beings, not spirits, so how did they eat? How were they created in the first place? Did you have to be near Santa Cruz?

Back to micro-level sociological analysis: all of the doubles of Addy's family are killed. Success. But, as they drive away, Addy reveals that she is the actual double. That's why she couldn't speak when she first appeared -- she had to learn how.

So the doubles aren't non-sentient, they're just deprived. They would be like us, if given the opportunity.

I get it; it's a parable on capitalism. Every privilege you enjoy comes with the price of someone else's misery. That tomato you bought at the grocery store was farmed by a migrant doing back-breaking work for starvation wages, and it's being sold by a cashier who works 12 hour shifts for minimum wage, with no health benefits.

Pro: It's nice to see a black family in a horror movie, even though this is a post-racial society where racism does not exist. The sole inequality is economic.

Pro: I like how the doubles are just exaggerated versions of the real people.

Con: There are so many plot holes, it strains suspension of disbelief to the breaking point. If the doubles were spirits, maybe I could buy it. Not millions of escapees from a lab in Santa Cruz.

Gay characters: This is a very claustrophobic movie,with Addy's family and Josh's family, and almost no one else. Assuming that those people are all meant to be heterosexual, that leaves no gay people. Us is not really about us.

Beefcake: No. This is rather a woman-oriented movie. Five female characters, three male, all jerks and losers:

1. Gabe (Winston Duke) is buffed, but he's wearing a fat suit.

2. Josh (Tim Heidecker) really is on the chunky side.

3. Josh (Evan Alex) is only about 10.

I get up at 3:00 am and start searching for beefcake photos to accompany a story about Western Illinois University in Macomb.

1. I am drawn to this extremely handsome, apparently buffed blond in a blue suit, who appears in a search for "Macomb swim team."

The site says: Macomb County Division 1 all-star sw, and swm dakota Colo all county.

Macomb, Illinois is in McDonough County. Who knew there was another one? But the guy is cute, and swm sounds like a personal ad (Straight White Male), so I click on the original article.

2. My screen freezes.

3. dakota Colo sounds like a place name.

No, there's a Dakota Ridge, Colorado, about 15 miles south of Denver. Dakota Ridge High has boys' and girls' swim teams, but a search reveals only photos of girls.

Here are some wrestlers carrying a slingshot and a sword, with the byline "Valor defeats Foothills."

So I imagine they're especially courageous?

4. Maybe dakota Colo is someone's name?

All I get is the Air Force Academy's swimming/diving schedule. One of their opponent is North Dakota/Colorado.

The Air Force Academy Swim and Dive Team's Facebook page contains 2,344 photos of the swimmers fully clothed and 1 photo of them in swimsuits.

5. Back to the other clue about the mysterious dakota Colo: Macomb County. Maybe I can do a search on local high schools?

It's on the shore of Lake St. Clair, just north of Detroit. The main town is St. Clair Shores, population 60,000 with 15 high schools! Who needs so many high schools? In Rock Island, population 50,000, we had one.

No way I can search all of them for someone named dakota Colo.

6. How about a search on Macomb County Division 1 All Star SWM?

That yields another article. It's clogged with "Care about your community? (Yes/No)", "Subscribe to Our Newsletter?", a video about a golfer, and various ads for cars, "Single Women Want to Have Sex with You", photo storage clouds, and Macomb Community College. But eventually it loads. It's just a list of 50 names of various swimmers from Macomb County.

Wait -- I found a Ricky Colo, Dakota. (Name changed to preserve the athlete's privacy.)

7. There are two Dakota High Schools in Macomb County, in Algonac and Macomb. Either one could yield the elusive Ricky Colo

A search for the swim team of Dakota High in Macomb, MI yields the swim team of Duncan High in Duncan, Oklahoma, about 90 miles south of Oklahoma City. Four skinny guys standing on a "Second Place" platform.

8. 1 found a photo of the actual Dakota High, Macomb County, Michigan swim team. It says 1800x800, but when I download it, it turns out to be a 100x100 thumbnail.

I don't care anymore. I'm so frustrated that I take a screenshot, crop it, and blow it up to double size. Does any of them look like Ricky Colo?

8. I look up Ricky Colo on Facebook. There are three. The first attended Kittaning Senior High in Kittaning, Pennsylvania, which closed in 2015, and now works as a sales rep for a food company. Obviously not the right one.

The second is actually the same guy with a different account, concentrating on his years in the army. It says "I'm orange on Saturdays and a Falcon on Sundays."

This is actually a photo of his friend. Ricky himself has posted no beefcake photos.

The third profile is empty.

9. Wow, I found Ricky Colo's twitter account! The right one -- a swimmer from Michigan, graduated in 2019, planning to join his college swim team in the fall.

No beefcake on his twitter feed, but here's a fully clothed photo.

Wait -- straight dark hair. dakota Colo has blond hair.

10. Back to the original article. This time it loads -- slowly. No, I don't care about my community. No, I don't want to subscribe to the newsletter. No, I don't want to meet Russian women who want to have sex with me.

The original image was mis-labeled. The blond guy is actually Aiden B. from Lakeview!

11, There are three Lakeview Highs in Michigan, but no doubt he's from the Lakeview in St. Clair Shores, Macomb County.

Searching for "Lakeview High""St. Clair Shores""Swim team" yields a photo of the Linganore Lancers swim team in Frederick, Maryland, 500 miles from St. Clair Shores.

The team consists of 387 girls and one boy.

12. There are two Aiden B. profiles on Facebook. Both empty.

It's 5:00 am, and I'm tired. Here's a photo of a shirtless blond guy. Close enough.

The 1980s was the era of the teen operator, the teenager who works behind the scenes, enraging tyrannical assistant principals and college deans. He starred in virtually every TGIF sitcom, from Family Tiesto Growing Pains; he used his stealth to save the day in Toy Soldiers; he ruled the school in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Parker Lewis Can't Lose (1990-93) was a late entry in the teen operator canon, a Ferris Bueller clone that aired on Fox on Sunday nights.

Parker (Corin Nemec, left) ruled the school with flashy costumes and surreal antics, along with his bud, the uber-cool Mikey Randall (Billy Jayne, previously Billy Jacoby, below), and their nerdish protege Jerry Steiner (Troy W. Slaten).

They had several allies, including inarticulate man-mountain Kube (Abraham Benrubi) and Nick Comstock (Paul Johannson), manager of their diner hangout.

And several nemeses, including the cartoon-villain principal Grace Musso (Melanie Chartoff), who was obsessed with men with "big hands," and her vampiric crony, Lemmer (Taj Johnson), who could appear and disappear at will.

There was a lot of heterosexism; about half of the episodes involve somebody trying to get with a heterosexual crush.

But Parker and Mikey made a cute couple, with Jerry as their surrogate son, and later Kube found a soulmate in the obese Coach Kohler (John Pinette), in spite of their respective hetero-crushes.

In the third season, hunky bricklayer Brad Penny (Harold Pruett) became interested in Parker, and tried to win his "friendship." When Parker rejected him, he got revenge by stealing Jerry, who dropped out of school to join him in the career of bricklaying.

After Parker Lewis, Corin Nemec had a stable career, mostly playing sleazoids: two serial killers, an Adolph Hitler lookalike, and "himself" (in the webseries Star-Ving with buddy David Faustino).

He was the associate producer of the evangelical Christian film Hidden Secrets (2006), and starred as an ex-gay guy who can't accept God's forgiveness for his sinful past. Yuck.

Billy Jayne had some acting and directing credits, but he's better known now as a commercial producer.

Troy Slaten is now an attorney.

I was unable to find any beefcake photos from Macomb, Illinois, but one of my searches revealed an embarrassment of riches for someplace called Wawasee.

1. Wrestling, swimming, track, miscellaneous athletes doing pushups on balls.

2. Google images, Facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram, team members' personal web pages.

3. Individuals, pairs, and teams.

4. An action shot with an extra-tight singlet and straining muscles.

5. Someone's memory of a day on the lake a generation ago.

6. A Facebook post from 2013 wondering why there is no powerlifting team in Wawasee, and vowing to start one.

Afte last night's deprivation in beefcake, I'm going to keep going. I won't even stop at 10.

Where is this Wawasee? I'm guessing Wisconsin.

More after the break

Surprise! It's not a town, it's a high school in Syracuse, Indiana, 25 miles west of Rome City, where we used to visit my Aunt Nora. Like Rome City, it's on a lake (actually two, Syracuse and Wawasee, renamed from Turkey). and it's primarily a resort where rich people from Chicago build summer homes.

Other than the lakes, I don't see much of interest: a downtown full of fast-food restaurants, a liquor store called Beef's Booze Barn, No museums. It's not on the list of "21 best small towns in Indiana." But South Bend, with Notre Dame and the best gay bar in the state, is only 40 miles away.

7. I might stay home and go to a wrestling match instead.

Wawasee was a Miami chief who gave his name to both the lake and the high school. It has an enrolllment of only 962, which makes the plethora of photos more surprising.

8. Revealing wrestling singlets and non-revealing sweat pants.

9. A yellow-ribbon winner with yellow hair and abs.

10. A chunk who won first place.

11. A blond who rated a shirtless cover photo in the Mail-Journal

12. Wawasee: The gift that keeps on giving

I'm interested in the possibiliy of ancient pagan religions surviving in contemporary Europe, in mummer's plays and Punch and Judy, so I wanted to see Midsommar (2019) in spite of the reviews pointing out that everyone is heterosexual and a lot of girls get naked.

In The Wicker Man (1973), an uptight British police officer investigates a free-love island ("Children, what does the maypole represent?""A penis!"), and ends up being their virgin sacrifice. A naked lady bounces all over the place, and there's a lot of heterosexual shenanigans. Midsommar couldn't be worse, right?

Yes. It's very long and very boring, with the "surprise" ending broadcast loudly from scene 1. Bu with a little subtext-tweaking, it turns into a gay horror movie.

We did it all the time in the 80s. It was the only way we could survive those horrible teen-nerd movies.

Anthropology student Christian (Jack Reynor, top photo) was planning to break up with his girlfriend Dani, but then her familiy was murdered, so he stuck around out of pity. A year later, he's ready to pull the plug on the long-dead relationship and move on. His new man-crush Pelle (Vilhelm Blomgren, below) invites him and another couple, Josh and Mark, back to his village in northern Sweden to witness an ancient pagan midsummer festival.

Dani invites herself along.

Um...it was really supposed to be all boys, buddy-bonding, late-night groping, and orgies with Swedish studs, but....

Imagine the discomfort of sharing an 8-hour plane flight with your soon-to-be ex, while the guy you are crushing on is sitting right across the aisle!

When they reach to the village, they meet Pelle's brother Ingemar (Hams Holberg, lrgy), who is bisexual. He has invited a boy-girl couple, Simon and Connie, who he picked up in London.

The eager-to-experiment Simon (Archie Madekwe) is rather a clone of Christian, eager to break up with his girlfriend for the Swedish hunk Ingemar.

Things go wrong immediately when Dani has a bad trip on some magic mushrooms. And when some of the village elders commit suicide by jumping off a cliff.

I'd be on the next bus back to Stockholm at that point, but the gang sticks around.

Mark (Will Poulter) is lured away by a naked lady to his death. So much for heterosexual desire! It can only end badly, either with a fragile, clingy, basket-case girlfriend or with a murdeer.

Josh (William Jackson Harper) goes out in search of his boyfriend, and is killed by a naked man wearing Mark's face as a mask. A nightmare of heavily symbolic homoerotic desires

Simon and Connie are separated and killed off camera.

Then Christian faces a fate worse than death: he is paralyzed and forced to have sex with a naked lady.

Horrifying!

Of course the only way the villagers can get him to do the deed is against his will. He's into guys!

Turns out that the villagers need nine human sacrifices: four outsiders, four villagers, and one who could be either, chosen by the Festival Queen. That's why Pelle invited three people, and Ingemar two, so they'd have one leftover just in case.

For some reason Dani becomes Festival Queen, and has to decide: Christian or a random villager. Who does she choose? It's obvious, isn't it?

There are surprisingly few bouncing breasts, and enough Swedish-hunk chests and abs to keep you interested. Plus Christian's penis.

If you're interested in a bright, sunlit, openly-gay character, or any deliberate reference to same-sex desire, this movie ain't it. Everyone pretends that they never heard of gay people. But for a blast to the past, to the old days when gay people never appeared in movies except in occasional "fag" slurs, it's a pleasant diversion.

And did I mention Christian's penis?

Channel Zero spins a tv series out of a creepypasta (an online story that pretends to recount an urban legend, but has actually been invented by the author. If it works, people will "remember" other examples, and a real urban legend will be born,).

For Butcher's Block, they took a very intriguing creepypasta about staircases in the woods. Regular staircases, like someone grabbed one from your house and plopped it down in the wilderness. A park ranger seems them so frequently that they seem ordinary, although he's afraid to approach or touch them.

From that intriguing opening, they spun off a crazy story about cannibalism.

Two girls in their twenties, Zoe and Alice, move to the city, both to get away from their crazy mother (who did something horrible one night) and to hide from their creditors (Dave from Collections keeps calling).

They rent a room in a creepy old house from Louise, a retired journalist whose hobby is taxidermy (because it's creepy, I guess). Alice gets a job as a social worker, Zoe sits around semi-lucid from schizophrenia medication. And the weirdness begins:

1. The Crazy Scissors Lady ("Do you have any scissors? I need to cut off my bandages.") warns them to stay away from the run-down Butcher's Block neighborhood, where people always disappear.
2. Alice has to go to Butcher's Block for her job. The first family she is assigned to help, a mother and daughter, disappear in the middle of the interview. Alice tracks the Missing Girl to an overgrown park, where:
3. She sees a gigantic, ornate staircase. A dwarfish creature climbs down and chases her with a knife.

Louise reveals more details about the park. It used to be the private residence of the Peach Family, whose meat-packing business was the sole employer of Butcher's Block (get it?). One night in the 1950s, the whole family vanished. Rescue workers found something in the basement so horrifying that they burned the house to the ground.

Louise helpfully shows Alice a photo of the family on the eve of their disappearance: Patriarch Joseph; his elderly mother; the oldest son Robert (Andreas Apergis, left), whose wife is about to give birth; Aldous ("the bachelor," Louise says with disapproval -- hey, lady, you're not married, either); and some miscellaneous kids.

The photo comes in handy, as Peach Patriarch Joseph starts hanging around, asking Alice (or Zoe -- I can't tell them apart) if she believes in a higher power (turns out he was quite the fundamentalist in life). He offers to cure them both of their schizophrenia with homemade lobotomies.

Meanwhile Robert, dancing around like the Riddler, tazes the Crazy Scissors Lady, so Officer Luke (Brandon Scott, left) arrests him. While in lockup, he kills and eats his cellmate.

But the police chief, who happens to be Officer Luke's father, lets him go! (Robert doesn't actually have any mind-control powers; Dad just made a deal with the Peaches).

When Robert kills someone else, Officer Luke has had enough, and shoots him.

Wait -- the Peaches aren't ghosts? No, but they're not living in ordinary time, either. They made a deal with their god (spoiler alert: not exactly a benign god) to allow them to live on in their summer house at the top of the staircase., whence they send the dwarfish creatures or Robert down to kidnap people to eat.

The two teenage daughters of the family were murdered before they moved to Summerland, so the Peaches are very interested in having Zoe and Alice join them as substitutes. All they have to do is climb the staircase and eat some people.

All that from a staircase in the woods?

There are a lot of disgusting scenes involving bloody this or that, and a lot of boring scenes of heart-to-hearts between Alice and Zoe, made even more boring by the fact that you can't tell them apart. They could be identical twins (after Zoe is "cured," she dresses in bright colors, which help a little.) I fast-forwarded, looking for gay characters or beefcake.
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Homophobia: Officer Luke checks up on Robert in the lock-up and recoils in disgust. Robert is reclining naked on the floor, giving his cellmate a blow job! Wait -- no, he's pulling out his cellmate's intestines. But for a moment you think Officer Luke is recoiling in disgust over a same-sex act.

Gay Characters: Dad tells Officer Luke "You were always a sensitive boy." And he never expresses any heterosexual interest, never mentions a wife or girlfriend. The last scene shows a creepy family at dinner: Officer Luke, Louise (the retired journalist), Izzy (the girl who disappeared), and Zoe or Alice (I can't tell them apart), but there's no indication that any of them are romantic partners.

Aldous Peach ("The Bachelor). At least, Louise seems to think so.

Actually, no one expresses any heterosexual interest except for Alice's comic-relief coworker (Aaron Merke), who admits to being sweet on her.

Beefcake: Naked Joseph, if you don't mind the pool of blood. A couple of cute guys, such as Dave from Collections (Adam Hurtig, top photo).

My grade: D.

See also: No-End House; Candle Cove

I imagine that most gay male and heterosexual female Baby Boomers have been desperate to see Dick York with his shirt off ever since their diaper days, when they saw him eye-bulge as Darren Stephens, mortal married to the witch Samantha (Elizabeth Montgomery) on the gay-symbolism-heavy "my secret" sitcom Bewitched(1964-69)

Good luck. As a stick-in-the-mud advertising executive in the Mad Men sixties, Darren usually wore a business suit, slept in pajamas, and was never shown in the shower or at the beach. Dick was suffering from a debilitating back injury that prohibited most stunts and action scenes; finally the writers had to find reasons to keep Darren in bed for entire episodes.

Prior to Bewitched, Dick starred in various Westerns, thrillers, and dramas. I haven't seen any of them except for Inherit the Wind (1960), but they probably didn't include significant beefcake.

But you can find everything on youtube. A compilation clip called Dick York: the Sexiest Man Alive seems to be displaying clips from Dick's very early work, playing high schoolers in "educational films" such as "How Popular Are You?" (1951). They were used in classrooms for promoting conformity and compulsory heterosexuality.

In Bewitched, Darren was the "straight" man, in more ways than one. Not only the eye-bulging, slow-burning spectator to the mayhem, but aggressively heterosexual, faithful to Samantha but tempted by slithery witches, wood nymphs, sirens, and human women every five seconds.

But the compiler finds some gay-subtext images. Dick and another boy check out each other's equipment in the shower (top photo), and he demonstrates that he is popular by walking off arm in arm with the school hunk.

There are also a few pics, very small, of an older Dick York at poolside, courtesy of Democratic Underground. Not a bad physique. Too bad Darren didn't get zapped out of his clothes from time to time.

You may not realize it, but every word and image on Blogger is carefully analyzed by an army of censors to make sure there are no penises. Bloody, decapitated heads and eviscerated corpses are fine,but God forbid anyone find out that men have dangling parts.

This photo doesn't show one,but it still got me banned from Blogger Advertisements, because he's obviously covering it with a towel.

It happens to be one of the iconic beefcake photos of the 1960s, with handsome, muscular 22-year old Michael Burns hiding his penis behind that towel in That Cold Day in the Park (1969): Michael's character is an innocent, possibly mute, somewhat addled Boy taken in by the middle-aged, repressed Frances (Sandy Dennis). She provides food, shelter, nice clothes, whatever he needs, and he provides a coy eroticism.

When Frances' flirtation becomes too aggressive, the Boy leaves, returns to his hippie commune, and we discover that the innocent-addled bit was all an act. He often defrauds the establishment that way, acquiring free food and favors in return for displaying his body and feigning a willingness to have sex.

The Boy represented the desire and dread with which the adults approached the youth counterculture, but he also served as a metaphor for the game gay male teens must play: pretend to be interested in women, let them desire you, but pull back at the last moment. Always remember that your real desires, your real emotions, your real life lies elsewhere.

Born in 1947, Michael Burns was a very busy child actor, with starring roles as an orphan kid on Wagon Train (1960-65) and the kid brother on the overtly homoerotic It's a Man's World (1962-63), plus guest spots on about 30 Westerns, dramas, and comedies.

But other than That Cold Day in the Park, he was most famous for a 1967 episode of Dragnet, in which the deadpan detectives investigate a houseful of hippies who are using the "new drug menace, LSD," and going crazy. Michael plays Blueboy, who has half of his face painted blue and screeches in paranoia before dying. Again, the desire and dread of the youth counterculture.

Michael retired from acting in 1977 to pursue an academic career. He became a professor of history at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts, a specialist on the Dreyfuss Affair of 1890s France.

It was so easy to find gay subtexts in the gay free Midsommar that I thought I'd check out diretor Ari Aster's other movies, Hereditary (2018).

Piece of cake.

Surly, depressed 16-year old Peter (Alex Wolff, who you may remember from The Naked Brothers Band on Nickelodeon) lives in rural Utah with his crazy artist Mom and wimpy Dad. Mom forces him to take his little sister Charlie, who clicks her tongue and stares at fires, to a high school party. While he mingles, smoking pot and talking to boys, she eats a piece of cake with nuts in it and has an allergic reaction.

Peter tries to rush her to the hospital, but while he is driving down the dark country roads, he swerves to avoid a deer and slams into a telephone pole, Peter swerves to avoid a deer and slams into a telephone poll, decapitating her.

Mom Annie (Toni Collette) didn't like Peter much to begin with, and now the gloves come off. She tortures him by building a miniature of the accident, coming into his room at night and asking if Charlie is there, and forcing him into a seance to contact Charlie, who doesn't realize that she's dead. In another weird scene, she climbs into bed with him, attempting a seduction.

Meanwhile Charlie comes back as a malevolent ghost, throwing things around and trying to set them on fire.

Dad (Gabriel Byrne) tries to keep the family together, lashing out at Annie for torturing their son (and trying to seduce him), but in the end he is ineffective and gets burnt to death in one of the dead Charlie's rampages.

Peter spends most of the movie hanging out in the same grey t-shirt, being morose and guilt-ridden, receiving hand-on-shoulder support from his buds, and crying in history class. The wikipedia page lists a Bridget a "love interest," but the scenes where they fall in love must have been deleted. Peter only interacts with boys. He never discusses girls or looks at a girl twice. He is obviously gay.

Eventually we discover that Annie's dead mom, Ellen, belonged to a cult devoted to the demon Paimon. He's been trying to break through to our world, but he hasn't yet found a suitable human host. He goes down the hereditary blood line and inhabits someone for awhile, but eventually they aren't good enough, and he decapitates them and moves on. Ellen, Charlie, Annie's friend Joan, and then Annie himself.

Well, these have all been female hosts. Maybe Paimon prefers men?

A buffed, naked man appears in Peter's closet (hang on -- I'm checking to see if there's a naked man in my closet) -- and leads him to the attic. More homoerotic subtext: same-sex desire leads Peter to his destiny.

There he finds the decapitated heads of his family, plus Grandma Ellen's cult members (all naked, penises and everything showing). They crown him king. I was right: women were ok temporarily, but for a permanent host, Paimon prefers men.

Sure, that's understandable. Lots of gay men don't mind socializing with women, but when the lights go down and everyone gets naked, they want to be inside the body of a man.

See also: Midsommar.

Duke Van Patten (the one on the left) was recommended to me as a Facebook friend because we have one "mutual friend," Christopher Atkins.

Could he be related to the famous Van Patten brood of 1970s hunks?

Maybe, but before I click on "Yes! Add me!" I always check to see if the prospect is gay.

I've never met a gay guy named Duke, but that's probably not his fault.

He's an actor living in New York. Otherwise his "likes" are empty: no music, no tv shows, no sports, friends other than Christopher invisible.

Not much to go on.

A lot of photos of Duke with guys. This one may be joke. He comments "I love snapchat captions."

But not this one under the Christmas tree.

Or this one. They're engaging in the macho sport of fishing, but look -- seven guys, no girls. My kind of vacation!

There are about a thousand pictures posted of Duke in a boy-boy pair. Or in this case, a trio.

But what am I to make of this meme? Granted, there's a nice chest and biceps, and the girl is far in the background, but she's still a girl.

Ok, time to check Duke's other social media.

Instagram: 2 pictures of Duke in a group that includes girls, and 85,000 of Duke with guys, including this take on the "On top of the world!" scene from Titanic. Comment; "10% of our brains? I think we use only 10% of our hearts."

Twitter: He watches a lot of movies, he saw Angels in America in London, his dream dinner guest is Aslan, and he states "I'm glad I'm not a 12-year old girl anymore."

One more place to check. If he's an actor, maybe he's on IMDB.

Hey, he's the son of Vince Van Patten, the 1970s movie hunk and tennis player, part of a whole show biz dynasty.

Five on-screen credits: two walk-ons, The Adventures of Velvet Prozac (sounds campy), The Guest House (about a guy with a gay stalker), and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (playing himself)

I'm convinced. Sign me up.

See also: The Van Patten Brothers.

One of the joys of summer is the car wash fundraiser. Check your local event calendar, and you'll find one or two per week: a club, class, team, or church group is raising money by washing cars.

The attraction, of course, is that they're washing with their shirts off, allowing you to gawk at their spectacular physiques.

They know it. They plan on it. It's the one time in the Straight World where everyone acknowledges the existence of same sex desire.

Well, not really. Everyone is supposed to pretend that it's all about the cars.

A lot of the car wash fundraisers feature women instead of men, so you have to be careful. Is it a male team or club? Is it being advertised by men? Especially men who wrap the signs around their waists, implying that they are naked.

You also have to worry about the age of the guys. They are typically in high school or college, but occasionally younger groups host car washes. No point in gawking at a group of 12 year olds.

If you're lucky, they'll be even older than college age.

I stay away from car washes with both male and female participants. They invariably try to steer male drivers toward the females, and female drivers toward the male. If you insist on the "male" group, they act as if they have never heard of anything so outrageous.

And what's up with the car washers who leave their shirts on? I understand that when you're out in the sun for hours, you can get burnt, but that's what sunscreen is for.

You're not allowed to just stand and watch the workers. That would make the real reason for the car wash fundraisers too obvious.

But nobody says you can't bring your car in to be washed several times.

See also: The Nude Car Wash; A Week of Beefcake and Bulges on the Plains

"Wahoo" sounds like a cry of happiness or excitement, like "Yippee" or "Yahoo." But the dictionary demotes the interjection to #4, after a fish and two bushes, all based on Native American names garbled into "wahoo." One of the bushes donated its name to Wahoo Creek in Nebraska, whence the city.

It's in the cornfields about 45 miles west of Omaha, one of those quintessential small towns with a grid of streets, east-west numberd, north-south named after trees: Sycamore, Chestnut, Locust, Elm, Beach, Pine.

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2,1 square miles containing 1,801 houses (8 with gay people), 10 churches, 18 restaurants (including the Wigwam Cafe, the C&C Cafe, Rezac's Cafe, and the Stockyard Cafe). 3 parks, 2 high schools, a county jail, the county courthouse, city hall, and a lot of trees.

Its main claim to fame dates back to 1995, when the town leaders petitioned David Letterman to identify it as the "home office" for his late night talk show. They sent many whimsical gifts, including a Ford Pinto (the old car that exploded on impact), a clock made of cow dung, and two teenage boys, Jeff and Josh Price. He finally agreed, but sent the boys home.

Maybe he already had all the teenage boys he needed.

If you have a few names left on your Christmas list, try the Yahoo High Swim Team.

This group seems a little young -- I swear I saw braces. Maybe they're from the Aquatic Center.

There are a lot of wrestlers, both local high schools.

I'm not usually into crosscountry, but I might watch these guys, just for the jogging trunks with various national flags on them. The photo doesn't explain the significance.

This came up in a search on "Wahoo powerlifting," but I think it's more "Wahoo! Powerlifting!"

And I think these guys have actually caught a "Wahoo" fish.

Remember Freddie, the nerdish video engineer on Nickelodeon's ICarly (2007-12)? It had some rather homophobic scenes, including a queer-coded Big Bad, but at least Carly and Sam had a gay subtext relationship, big brother Stuart was obviously bisexual, and Freddie was cute.

Then actor Nathan Kress started to bulk up.

Fans waited patiently for some shirtless shots, if not on the show, then on Instagram, Facebook, Myspace, Snapchat...anywhere? On the beach? Demonstrating your workout? Taking a selfie?

Nothing. Nathan never even wore a sleeveless shirt.

Did he think muscles were incongruous with Freddie's nerd image? Or as a fundamentalist Christian, was he worried about his body sparking lustful thoughts in teenage fans?

Who knows? Physique aficionados eventually gave up on him, and moved on to guys who weren't so stingy with muscle displays.

Well, it's been six years since ICarly ended, and Nathan is 26 years old, still buffed, still fundamentalist, only now with a beard, wife, and kid (I mean an actual beard).

He's done guest shots on other Nickelodeon shows, some voice work, some directing, and some acting. His major projects include disaster (Into the Storm), horror (Tell Me How I Die), something about teen dancers (Breaking Brooklyn), and a web comedy about an Apocalypse that didn't happen (Alive in Denver).

His new show, RadioActive Dads, will premiere on July 24th.

He's still shy about displaying his physique, but there are two shirtless shots amid the hundreds on his Instagram site. Both taken at the same time.

Here he seems to be saying, "Ok, fine, here I am with my shirt off. Happy?"

Not really. I mean, you're hot and all, but was it worth all the secrecy? What's the big deal? Everybody has a chest.

See also: ICarly

18-year old indie actor Hale Lytle has four traits that warrant fandom: an androgynous, glam appearance; 35 photos on imdb, a third of which involve someone with his shirt off; and 7 movie and tv credits, every one of which is about a same-sex relationship; and every one of which displays the physique of Hale or a buffed costar, or both.

1. Hale made his acting debut in the Sundance Award-winning short Henley, about a young young road-kill entrepreneur. I haven't been able to find a streaming version.

2. The short Weasel (2013) is about "man, boy, and rope." Hale plays the Boy, and Michael Joseph Robinson (left) plays the Man.

3. Fort Apache (2013) is not related to the cop drama Fort Apache: The Bronx. It's a coming of age story set in 1941, when a Boy must decide whether to "follow his brother down a path of violence and destruction" or leave town.

Brother is played by Josh Salatin, seen here taking off his shirt in order to have sex with a girl. That must be the path of destruction. Leave town, kid.

4. Hale's first full length movie, Young Bodies Heal Quickly (2014) has a weird surreal plot. Older Brother (Gabriel Croft, left) on the run from some sort of institution, grabs Younger Brother (Hale, who already has his androgynous look down).

While raising a ruckus, they go too far, accidentally killing a girl that they are harassing, and light out for the territory.

5. In the short Killer (2016), Dusty (Hale) discovers that anyone he looks at while masturbating dies. He uses his newfound power to get even with the school bully.

6. In a change of pace from the indie films, Hale next guest-starred in the "Demon's Lair" episode (2016) of The Haunting (a series that recreates real paranormal experiences): A family gets a Catholic priest to exorcise a malevolent demon from their house.

Hale plays the teenage son David, who here comes down to breakfast shirtless so everyone can examine the demon claw marks on his back.

7. In the surreal indie film Don't Come Back from the Moon (2017), all of the fathers in town abandon their families, and the mothers left behind are utterly incompetent at raisng kids alone. Neglected and abandoned, the kids turn to drinking, crime, and sex.

I haven't actually seen it, but according to the trailer, Jeffrey Wahlberg (Marky Mark's son) kisses a girl with his shirt off about 300 times. Hale's character, Mark Mark Junior's cousin, meanwhile channels his rage into raising a wild parrot.

That's it except for some projects in post-production. I can't wait to see what Hale will come up with now that he's old for his same-sex relationships to have gay subtexts.

Utqiagvik, Alaska (previously Barrow) is the most isolated town in the U.S. You can't drive in or out. Everything has to be flown in from Fairbanks (a 3 1/2 hour flight). so everything is frightfully expensive ($16 for a chicken sandwich at Artic Pizza.)

4,500 residents, 60% Inupiat (but only a few speak the Inupiaq language). Although the town hosted the first same-sex wedding in the state, there are only four open lesbian residents and no gay men.

There's not a lot going on. The Inupiat Heritage Center has some exhibits, the Pluraagvik Recreation Center has a gym, and you can go on a tour of the tundra..And you can go physique watching.

There are only 226 students at Barrow High School, home of the Whales, but they are eager to take off their shirts whenever feasible.

When wrestling.

Or at the beach (for looking, not swimming -- the water is below 32 degrees and quite dangerous)

But there are always intrepid tourists who attempt a "Polar Plunge."

Back to the high school. Powerlifting.

Winning a "school spirit" award.

But, strangely enough, not on a vacation in Hawaii. Too hot to go shirtless!

Dora the Explorer (2000-2015) was a Nickelodeon cartoon series aimed at preschoolers, starring an 8-year old girl who had adventures in a Latin American jungle. I never watched -- preschool-oriented, and besides, the rhyme irks me: "explorer" is pronounced "explorer," not "explorah."

But I understand that it has become quite a media empire, broadcast in 35 languages (including Irish and Maori, even though all of the speakers are bilingual in English), spun off into toys, books, games, videos, and a series starring Dora's cousin Diego (2005-2011). And now a live-action movie, Dora the Explorer and the City of Gold, with Dora as a teenager (played by 18-year old Isabel Moner, far right).

Wait -- a teenager? What audience are they trying to reach with fart jokes and hetero-horniness? Preschoolers who are still watching the show? Young adults who grew up with Dora? Teen idol fans?

Let's see if there are any teen idols or beefcake actors in the cast.

The top photo suggests that Dora goes explorah-ing with three guy friends and an adult guide. From the right, they are:

1. Jeffrey Wahlberg as Cousin Diego. Even though he's the son of former underwear model Mark Wahlberg, I can't find any shirtless shots.

2. Nicholas Coombe, "va new face in the entertainment industry," as Randy. According to his instagram, Nicholas is a "part-time actor, full time iced mocha connoisseur," and he has a girlfriend.

This is as close as I could find to a shirtless shot, Nicholas made up to be killed in the Australian zombie movie Infected Paradise.

3. Madeleine Madden as Sammy. Madeleine seems to identify as a woman, but Sammy is a boy's name and the character looks like a boy. Maybe they're nonbinary.

4. No other potential teen idols except, down near the end of the cast list, Joey Vieira as Nico. His favorite acting job so far has been an episode of The Simpsons. When I search for shirtless or nude pics, all that comes up is his namesake, the Joey Vieira who played the sidekick on Lassie in the 1960s, and a female bodybuilder.

That's it, unless you look way down in the cast list for the Australian actors cast in "blink and you miss it" scenes:
Jace Fleming as Mean Kid
Lachlan Winters as High School Kid
Cameron Jackson as High School Student #23.

Well, maybe there are some adult beefcake actors?

5. The adult guide, Alejandro, is played by Eugeno Derbez. He's known for a lot of Mexican tv, Aztec Warrior (which is not about an Aztec), Geostorm, Overboard, and How to Be a Latin Lover. Nice hairy chest, stupid expression.

6. Michael Peña with a beard play Dora's Dad. You can also see him or hear him in Narcos, My Little Pony, Family Guy, and CHIPS (the remake; he plays Ponch, but never takes off his shirt).

7. Kiwi actor Temuera Morrison, as Powell, who I'm guessing is a baddie. He's been in Star Wars, Aquaman, and other superhero movies, as well as Tatau (2015), a supernatural murder miniseries set in the Cook Islands.

We'll have to wait to see if there are any gay subtexts, but so far it looks like Dora the Explorah is a dud.

10 Things You Should Know about Dylan Koroll

The Mysterious Time Traveling Wrestler from Thunder Bay

"Revenge of Wonderland": Run Far, Far Away

The Top 10 Hunks of "Stranger Things," Season 3, Plus Some of the Plot

"Us": A Horror Movie That's Not Really About Us

A Frustrating 3:00 am Search for a Blond Swimmer

Parker Lewis Can't Lose

The Beefcake Bonanza of Wawasee

Midsommar: Tweak it a Little to Find a Gay Movie

"Butcher's Block": Creepypasta Cannibals and a Naked Killer

Dick York: Bewitching Beefcake

The Banned Beefcake Photo of Michael Burns

"Hereditary": A Gay Demon and his Boy Host

Duke Van Patten's Beefcake and Romance Photos

Summertime Car Washes

Wahoo: A Fish, a Shrub, a Town, and a High School

Freddie from ICarly Finally Shows Us His Chest

Hale Lytle: Beefcake and Buddy Bonding at Age 18

Utqiagvik, Alaska: Beefcake in the Most Isolated Town in the U.S.

Is Dora the Explorer's City of Gold Worth Exploring?