NYSocBoy's Beefcake and Bonding

I grew up with paradoxical stereotypes of Roman Catholics: dark, brooding, mysterious, sexually dangerous, yet mystical, spiritual, otherworldly. So I've been going through the top Catholic schools in the U.S. to see if they emphasize quiet contemplation or raucous athletics, meditation or muscles, the transcendental glory of the Divine or beefcake.

So far pecs and abs have dominated novenas and scupulars by 4 to 1, but I have high hopes for the quiet contemplation of the last 5 schools on my list.

6. Loyola High School in Los Angeles, off Pico and Vermont. It's the oldest high school in Southern California, founded in 1865 (Loyola University split off from it.) It moved to its current location in 1917.

The exterior looks like a thousand other schools, but the chapel is austerely beautiful. I could see getting my contemplation on in there.

The website promotes "spirituality" with a picture of a boy lifting weights.

Apparently athletics are huge at Loyola; it competes in baseball, basketball, water polo, track, wrestling, swimming, and who knows what else.

This trumpet player has an interesting graduation photo. If the marching band dresses like that on the field, I'll definitely go to the games.

Score: Contemplation 1, Beefcake 1

7. St. Anselm's Abbey School in Washington DC.

Now that's an evocative name! I don't know what an abbey is, but it sounds very Catholic, and St. Anselm was a famous Medieval archbishop who wrote Cur Deus Homo. Plus it's in a very Catholic neighborhood of DC, near St. Joseph's Seminary, the Catholic University of America and the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception.

I would give it the contemplative point just for its lofty associates, but the Tudor architecture is cool, too.

They offer cross country, wrestling, track, baseball, lacrosse, and fencing, but no swimming. And I couldn't find any good photos. This vampire-wrestling photo is from somewhere else.

Score: Contemplation 1, Beefcake 0..

8. St. Louis Priory School, St. Louis. Just founded in 1955, and the weird futuristic space-ship chapel opened in 1962. I expect Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey to give the homily.

They offer wrestling but not swimming.

A wash.

Score: Contemplation 0, Beefcake 0.

9. Georgetown Preparatory School, Bethesda, Maryland, a Jesuit boarding school for boys, founded in 1789 by John Carroll, who also founded Georgetown University.

Classic Colonial architecture, nothing distinctively Catholic.

They offer a full range of sports, including swimming, wrestling, and water polo. But if it's only for boys, why is every photo all girls or co-ed?

Score: Contemplation 0, Beefcake 0.

10. Bellarmine College Preparatory, San Jose, an "all male" high school founded in 1851. But the campus is all modern glass and weird straight lines.

They offer 13 sports, a weight room, and two strength and conditioning specialists.

Score: Contemplation 0, Beefcake 1.

Total:

Contemplation: 3 of the 10.

Beefcake: 7 of the 10.

Apparently we are living in a material world.

See also: Catholic Prep Schools: Otherworldly Contemplation or Beefcake?

Before 1955, most teens appropriated their music from Mom and Dad, who listened mostly to silky-voiced crooners like Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra. Then rock and roll exploded onto the musical scene almost over night, and suddenly dozens of young rock and rollers were aimed directly at teenagers, through jukeboxes at teen hangouts, hysterical praise in teen magazines, teen-oriented radio stations, and appearances on teen-oriented tv programs: Elvis Presley and Pat Boone by 1956, Paul Anka and Ricky Nelson (1957, Ricky only after he sang on his father's tv sitcom), Frankie Avalon (left) and James Darin (1958).

In all, 19 major teen idols appeared between 1956 and 1963, with 243 charting songs, mostly with the same pitch. There was little word play, little metaphor, not a hint of irony or ambiguity to detract from the clarity of the pitch: if you are a boy, get a girl. If you are a girl, get a boy. That is your reason for living, period.

There was no rampant heterosexual desire in the pitch. In "Travelin' Man" (1961), Ricky Nelson has girls in every port, and in "The Wanderer" (1962), Dion insists that he'll have sex with any girl who offers. But usually sex is not on the teen idol's mind; he is looking for The One, the "mate that fate created me for" (Bobby Rydell). Paul Anka (left) cries every night for the gods to grant him The One, so that his life can have meaning.

After finding the One, the teen idol finds all other girls forever repulsive, or is simply unable to notice them. And even more, he cannot find any joy in any other relationship, interest, or activity. He goes to movies, drives a hot rod, surfs only to be near her. He gets a job only to earn money to buy her gifts. If it were possible, he would spend every moment for rest of his life literally staring into her eyes. Nothing else matters.

The reason for the pitch is obvious: to promote a heterosexist future of marriage and family to the biggest generation of juveniles in the history of the planet.

In spite of the "teen angel" cliches, none of the 243 songs mourn dead girlfriends, but The One breaks up with the teen idol (like Fabian, left) quite often, due to a family move, parental disapproval, or simple rejection. This loss is much more painful in the pitch than it would be in real life, since even after The One is gone, the teen idol still finds other girls repulsive, or is unable to notice them. Thus, he is constitutionally unable to find anyone else. He will never have another girlfriend for the rest of his life ("I'll Never Dance Again," Bobby Rydell tells us.)

But the tragedy gets even worse. Single people can find happiness and contentment with family and friends, a career, leisure pursuits, political activism -- but The One was the teen idol's sole joy in life, his sole reason for living, so he will never find any joy in anything else, ever. His life is over.

In the pitch, the teen idols inhabit a world that consists entirely of girls. Only 27 of the 243 songs mention boys at all, and in 22 of them, including "Staying In" (Bobby Vee), "Johnny Will" (Pat Boone), and "Pin a Medal on Joey" (James Darin), boys are reviled competitors, lying in wait to steal The One.

Of the remaining five songs, three merely allow the teen idol a buddy to commiserate with over the loss of The One: "Poor Boy" (Elvis), "Ten Lonely Guys" (Pat Boone), and "Drip Drop" (Dion).

The other two, a pitiably small number, allude to same-sex desire or practice.

In "Jailhouse Rock" (1957), Elvis evokes a dance at the county jail, an all-male preserve, and specifices that the prisoners vie for the attention of the most attractive dance partners" "Number 47 said to Number 3, 'You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see!'"

More homoromantic is Bobby Darin's "Nature Boy" (1961), about a "very strange enchanted boy" from far away, "a little shy and sad of eye," like the sad, shy gay boys who linger at the margins of heteronormative myth.

Nature Boy visits Bobby on "a magic day," and, during their time together, tells him "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." Perhaps the song managed to pass into the pitch because the "boy" could be read as a little boy, advising Bobby to find a girl.

But the original song, written by Nat King Cole in 1948, is about an adult, one of the long-haired sandal-clad Nature Boys, forerunners of the hippies, who wandered L.A. in the 1940s. And Nature Boy never says "get a girl!" He wants Bobby to love him.

Andi Mack is a Disney Channel teencom with an unusual premise: 13-year old Andi discovers that Bex, who she thought of as her older sister, his actually her mother. Celia and Ham, who she thought were her parents, are actually her grandparents. And Bowie (Trent Garrett), the boy who got Bex pregnant, returns and wants to be part of Andi's life.

That's quite a lot to take in, but the actual show is mostly about Andi and Bex going out on dates, getting crushes on boys, getting boyfriends, and so on. Andi's main crush is Jonah (Asher Angel). She also has two best buddies, Cyrus (Joshua Rush) and Buffy (Chelsea T. Zhang).

Cyrus has a crush on Jonah, even though they are both dating girls. They double date, and when the girls ditch them, they go on a date alone and buy matching jackets. When Jonah texts that he is "girly," he is heartbroken, and tries to macho it up; but it turns out that Jonah meant to text "gnarly" (a slang term from the 1970s meaning "cool").

During the Season 2, in the episode "Hey, Who Wants Pizza" (October 27, 2017), Cyrus sees Jonah and Andi together, and tells Buffy that he is jealous. She asks if he likes Andi, but he says no, which allows Buffy to conclude that he is gay, and likes Jonah. It is unclear whether he just realized it, or whether he has known for awhile.

In the next episode, he has an awkward date with his girlfriend Iris, but won't tell her why he doesn't want to kiss.

Later he's nice to T.J., (Luke Mullen), the boy he's tutoring, and Buffy thinks he might "like" him.

In Episode 13 of the season, "Cyrus' Bash-Mitzvah" (February 23, 2018) Cyrus comes out to Andi on the night of his Bar-Mitzvah.

Four more episodes have aired, and Cyrus has not told anyone else, including Jonah, who has become Andi's boyfriend.

Which provides an interesting question: what do you do when your best friend has crush on your boyfriend?

Cyrus, meanwhile, is not moving on. He hasn't expressed more than a gay-subtext glimmer with any other boy, or actually said the word.

5 episodes left in the Season.

I find it interesting that many of the teencoms broadcast on television today are about post-television media: streaming series, web-based series, video games, various techno-devices that the older generation finds disconcerting (in my day, you stared at a box and liked it!).

The Disney Channel's Bizaardvark is about two teen girls, Frankie and Paige (Madison Hu, Olivia Rodrigo) who upload funny videos to their vlog (video blog). Sounds like ICarly so far.

But they get so many subscribers that they are invited to join Vuuugle Studios, where they can upload professionally-made videos to their internet channel, Bizaardvark.

So it's more of a workplace comedy, with lots of crazy coworkers (other internet video uploaders).

1. During the first two seasons, internet celebrity Jake Paul (top photo) played Dirk Mann, host of Dare Me Bro, where he takes dares from subscribers. But Paul's on-screen controversies got him fired, so he was replaced by Kirk Mann (Logan Paul).

There are nude photos of Jake Paul on Tales of West Hollywood.

2. Amelia Duckworth (DeVore Ledridge) hosts Perfect Perfection, offering fashion tips, along with her assistant, Angelo (Jimmy Fowlie, left). He dropped out of medical school in order to join her team; apparently the pay is quite good.

3. Viking Guy (Adam Haas Hunter) hosts "Live Like a Viking."

4. Rodney (Elie Samouhi) hosts "What's in My Hair"

5. Victor (Calum Worthy, left) hosts an unnamed prank show, along with his assistant, Teddy (Nick Galarza, below).

4. Horse Face Guy (Ross Kubelak) is a very muscular guy in a yellow tank top and horse mask. He doesn't speak. No one knows what channel he hosts.

5. The studio is run by Liam (Jonathan McClain), son of the owner, who appears only as a robotic tv screen. He seems to have a crush on Horse Face Guy.

There are also real world characters:

1. Bernie (Ethan Wacker, left) is the girls' best friend and agent. He also has a gay-subtext bromance with Dirk Mann.

2. Belissa (Maya Jade Frank) runs the fansite I Heart Vark. A website devoted to a website? My head is spinning, but I guess kids understand it.

3. Dr. Wong (Tom Choi), Frankie's father.

No explicit gay characters, but a lot of subtexts, which is standard for Nickelodeon shows. And a lot of beefcake.

These are the Two Guys (their internet name) who have been starring in commercials for Sonic Drive-Ins since 2002 (with a few breaks).

They are depicted sitting in their car at various times of the day and night, various months of the year, discussing hamburgers, chicken sandwiches, corn dogs, tater tots, or ice cream concoctions. Occasionally they get out of the car.

Their patter, mostly improv, is reminiscent of the classic comedy duos such as Abott and Costello and Martin and Lewis: the clown, played by T. J. Jadodowski (left), says something ridiculous or wears an outrageous costume, and straight man Peter Grosz (right) reacts with grumpy dismissal.

And now I'm going to say something. Listen carefully:

They are a gay couple.

They always eat out together. They apparently live together. They share finances. They mention that they've been together for many years. They don't refer to any other relationships, or display any interest in women.

Let the screaming begin.

Screamer #1: Why can't they be friends? Every time two guys appear together, they aren't gay! Straight guys go to restaurants together!

Translation: If there is any possibility, however unlikely, that a fictional character can be read as straight, he MUST be read as straight. We will accept characters as gay only if there is no other choice, only if our desperate attempts to read them as straight have failed.

But you can do it the other way, too. It's how gay people survived growing up in a world that denied their existence a hundred times a day, watching tv and going to movies that shouted, over and over, that "boy meets girl is universal human experience!" They found a fictional character and looked for evidence that would support a gay reading.

Two guys who go to a restaurant together could be gay.

Screamer #2: What about when they settle a disagreement with a game of Horse (basketball)? They like sports! They can't be gay!

Translation: Gay characters must be swishy stereotypes. The slightest reference to a masculine-coded activity requires us to read them as straight.

But gay guys play basketball.

Screamer #3: What about when T. J. mentions his ex-girlfriend Janine? He dated a girl! He's straight.

Translation: The slightest reference to heterosexual behavior requires us to read the character as straight.

But lots of gay men date women before they come out. They're bowing to societal pressure, the constant "what girl do you like?" litany of high school and college. Remember this exchange:

T. J.: The last time we ate this good, we were in college.

Peter: No, I was in college, you were in denial.

He's not in denial anymore, he's come out.

Screamer #4: What about the commercial where Jane Krakowski and Ellie Kemper, the stars of The Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt (not in character) wave at them, and they wave back. They wave at women! They must be straight!

Translation: Women are invisible to gay men, so any man who displays the slightest recognition of a woman, who says hello to a woman, who steps out of the way to avoid being plowed into by a woman, must be heterosexual.

But gay men are perfectly capable of seeing women, and of waving at famous tv stars, without being romantically interested in them.

Screamer #5: Ok, now I've got you. Peter Grosz is married to a woman, Debra Downing, and has a son! Talk you way out of that one!

Translation: Heterosexuals are incapable of playing gay characters, so if the actor is straight, the character is straight.

But heterosexuals are perfectly capable of playing all sorts of characters, including gay people.

Besides, T. J. Jadodowski never mentions a wife or girlfriend in any interview. But he does mention going on a trip to Italy with a male friend.

Screamer #6: What about when T. J. is pretending to be a car, and says "I'm going to go talk to her -- the little red coupe with the nice taillights." He's going to flirt with a female car. No gay guy would do that!

Translation: Gay men are incapable of playing heterosexuals, so if your character is straight, you must be straight.

But gay actors are perfectly capable of playing all sorts of characters, including straight people. And straight cars.

There is no piece of evidence that will unequivocally "prove" that a character is gay or straight. He doesn't actually exist.here is no single correct reading of fictional characters. The signs are incomplete, open to interpretation. All we know about these guys is what they say and do for a few moments in their car at a Sonic Drive-In. We have to fill in the rest of their lives.

And it's ok to fill it in with a same-sex romance.

Many gay kids are still growing up in a society that denies their existence. A Sonic Drive-In commercial starring the Two Guys may be trivial to us, but to them it could make all the difference. It might be the one moment that gives them hope.

There are two kinds of servants on tv.

1. The world-weary, laconic observer of the lunacy (Hazel, Beulah, Geoffrey on Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Florence on The Jeffersons, Benson on Soap).

2. The "breath of fresh air" whose joie de vivre revitalizes a failing family (Mr. Belvedere, Charles on Charles in Charge, Tony on Who's the Boss, Fran on The Nanny).

Nanny and the Professor (1970-71), which became a must-see when I was in fifth grade because it aired between The Brady Bunchand The Partridge Family, was an early example of the "breath of fresh air" type.

Phoebe Figalilly (Juliet Mills), a proper British nanny, complete with deerstalker cap and Inverness cape, sweeps in like Mary Poppins to take control of the household of stuffy English professor Everett (Richard Long of The Big Valley, top photo, shown working out with gay icon Rock Hudson).

His kids:

1.Intellectual teen Hal (David Doremus), seen here trying to meditate.

2. Athletic preteen Butch (Trent Lehman)

3. Baby of the family Prudence (Kim Richards).

Nanny draws from the "I've got a secret" genre by teasing at having magical powers, though nothing is ever stated openly.

For instance, in "Spring, Sweet Spring," Nanny thinks a family picnic would foster togetherness, but everyone has other plans. Then a series of humorous accidents and coincidences push them, one by one, to the park, where the picnic is set out for them.

When Nanny and the Professor first aired, I was in fifth gradedrawn to Nanny's independence, courage, and penchant for deflating masculine egos. But there were several points of interest for gay boys.

1. The opening song sounded distinctly like the two boys were attracted to the Nanny ("soft and sweet, warm and wonderful...oohh, our magical mystical Nanny!"). But heterosexual desire was at a minimum: Hal liked a girl in one episode, and Butch, never.

From the title, one expects a romance between Phoebe and Professor Everett, but that is never even hinted at. In fact, the Professor fled from several girls anxious to snare him. He could easily be read as gay.

2. Hal was a shy, intellectual, gay-vague outsider, like Peter on The Brady Bunch.

3. There was no beefcake, but my friends thought that Hal was cute, and there were several dreamy guest stars, including Van Williams and Vincent Van Patten.

4. Richard Long (1927-1974) was rumored to be gay or bi (married to women twice).

After Nanny, David Doremus continued acting until 1981, then retired to work in electronics. He is married to a woman, and has four children.

Trent Lehman committed suicide in 1982, at the age of 20. No info on whether he was gay.

Juliet Mills has been very active in movies and on tv, most recently playing Dottie on the gay sitcom From Here on OUT (2014). Her husband, Maxwell Caulfield, was a gay icon of the 1980s.

See also: Maxwell Caulfield

The DMV is the Department of Motor Vehicles, the most horrifying, soul-destroying institution every invented in the board rooms of hell. Its sole function is to cause you as much pain and torment as possible.

Every time you move to a new state, you must devote at least one full day, probably more, to being tortured at the DMV.

And I've moved to new states 10 times.

I don't remember my first few experiences, in Illinois, Nebraska, and Indiana, but after that it's all downhill. Here are the worst DMVs, in order:

1. Ohio. There are two places to go, one to get your new license and the other for your registration, on opposite sides of town, neither with titles that sound like what they are ("Assistant County Examiner" or something). The registration one is only open on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but not if it is raining: "The license examiners will not examine your car in the rain." Which make sense, I suppose, but if you have only one month from the date you move to the state, finding a free Tuesday or Thursday when it's not raining is difficult. And finding several (they always send you back for more documents) is almost impossible.

2. Tennessee. First they said "this driver's license photo doesn't look like you. Do you have anything else?" I showed them my student id. "Sorry, we need a driver's license." Finally I had them call the dean of my college to verify my identity.

3. Texas. When I moved to Texas for my horrible year in Hell-fer-Sartain, everybody was brand new at their jobs, having just moved down from the Rust Belt (80% of the population of Hell-fer-Sartain was from Michigan, Ohio, or Indiana. So the clerk filled out the form wrong, and six weeks later my driver's license arrived at a house down the block, with the address wrong and my name spelled wrong. Six more weeks later, a "replacement" driver's license appeared.

4. Florida. You have to memorize a book of driving rules and then pass a test with 100%. Anything less than 100% is a failure, and you have to take it over again. Some of the rules were for trucks and motorcycles. I was trying to register a car, so I skipped over those. But the test was mostly about "what speed should motorcycles go in a passing zone when it's raining?" and "What type of hitch should your semi be attached to your cab with?"

Now I know all of the rules of the road for trucks and motorcycles in Florida.

5. Pennsylvania. At the entrance, there are two lines, with signs stating "With a picture id" and "Without a picture id." I don't know why I thought they would be telling the truth, after my experiences in California and Ohio, but like a idiot I pulled out my picture id card and waited. An hour later, I got to the front of the line, and was told "This line is for people who are getting their driver's license for the first time. That line over there is for people who want to transfer from a new state." Go wait over there for an hour and a half.

Did I mention that Pennsylvania requires two exhaust emission tests? From different places on the other side of town from each other.

6. California. Make an appointment in advance, but even then, you are going to be waiting for six hours, until they close and tell everyone to go home and come back in the morning. Where they say they will take those with appointments yesterday first. Maybe they do, but it still takes four hours to go through the various lines. Ten hours altogether. I hope you packed a lunch.

7. New York. Don't even think about moving to New York. The DMV is a nightmare of epic proportions.

Every time I stood in one of the interminable lines, the clerk would invent some other document I needed.

Birth certificate.

The title (it's a leased car, so I don't have the title).

A form sent by the person sitting at a desk in an archive in Vermont who actually has physical access to the title.

My proof of insurance.

No, not proof of insurance coverage that began three months ago; it has to be insurance coverage that begins today.

I went back day after day, talked to different clerks every time, and got different and contradictory information about what forms I would need to fill out. Finally, after jumping through hoop after hoop, I was waiting for one last form for Grace from my insurance company to fax the fifth insurance form that they wanted directly to Debbie at the DMV.

"When this one comes in, we'll be done, right?" I asked. "You'll allow me to register my car in this state?"

"Yes, that's the last document we'll need," Debbie said. Then: "Well, I'm going home for the day. Someone else will help you."

"No! No!" I yelled. "Someone else will just invent more documents that I need, and I'll have to start all over again."

"Well, my shift is over. I'm going home."

"Could I come back tomorrow and see you then? Every DMV clerk has different requirements, so someone else will make me do different things."

"You'd have to step to the back of the line and wait for another hour. Just go to the next person when your form comes in."

I waited. 20 minutes later, Grace faxed over the fifth insurance form . I wanted in line for the next clerk.

"Oh, you have everything you need, except for the afidavits that you don't have any DUI convictions at any of the previous states that you have lived in. Just call the local police department at each of the cities you lived in, and have them send you the forms...."

I just noticed that there's no specifically gay content in this post. So here's a cute guy to tide you over.

Critics panned the 1980 movie musical Popeye, starring Robin Williams and Shelley Duvall, but I loved it.

I loved the world of Sweethaven, a tiny, cramped, desolate seaport, cut off from the rest of the world, where everyone is trapped, like the castaways in Lost or Gilligan's Island:

Sweet Sweethaven
God must love us
Why else would He have stranded us here.

It's the heart of the Depression. People have no jobs; they must wear second-hand clothes and live in decrepit houses. They spend their days drinking bootleg liquor, boxing, "horse racing" (without horses), and philosophizing on the futility of life: one day you're alive, full of hope for the future, and the next, you're food.

Everything is food, food, food

To make matters worse, the town is ruled by a Big Man (literally), Bluto (Paul L. Smith, top photo, bear-hugging Bruce Lee). He levies arbitrary taxes, forecloses on houses, and beats up people at random.

He is engaged to Olive Oyl (Shelley Duval), whose parents run the local boarding house, but she really had no choice in the matter. She tries in vain to think of a reason to like him:

He's tall...goodlooking...and large....so large...so large.

"Large" would actually be a plus for me. Extra-large, even moreso.

Into this lost, shipwrecked world comes the one-eyed sailor Popeye (Robin Williams), not the sophomoric star of 1960s cartoons, but the ultimate individualist from the E.C. Seegar comics of the 1930s, whose mantra was remixed by Gloria Gaynor and became a gay anthem:

What am I?
I am what I am!

At first reluctant to get emotionally involved, Popeye befriends Olive Oyl and her family and decides to help out.

He wins a boxing tournament to forestall foreclosure, and trounces both Bluto and a giant octopus. On the way he adopts a founding child and re-unites with his long-lost father.

And there's a gay connection: there's no indication, anywhere in the movie, that Popeye and Olive Oyl have fallen in love. Olive Oyl is ecstatic to finally find someone who "needs me," but Popeye, similarly, sings "Everybody needs somebodys," to his son Swee'Pea.

They work together to raise a child that neither has had a biological role in producing. They are a non-traditional family.

The movie is about finding a family, finding a home, not necessarily in a heterosexual embrace, but among people who care about you.

When I was livingin West Hollywood, Saturday night meant picking up tangerine chicken to eat on tv trays while watching Throb, Mama's Family and The Golden Girls, then heading out to the bars.

The Golden Girls' theme song "Thank You for Being a Friend" still brings back memories of those Saturday nights of lights and music, checking out the musclemen, searching for Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now), and schmoozing with friends.

It featured four senior citizens who live together in a Miami:

1.Former Southern Belle Blanche (Rue McClanihan), the sexually promiscuous one.

2. Dimwitted Rose (Betty White), who is from St. Olaf, Minnesota.

3. Sensible Dorothy (Bea Arthur).

4. Her mother, the sarcastic Sophia (Estelle Getty).

The real Miami is 70% Hispanic, but not on The Golden Girls: it was exclusively white, exclusively affluent, and a small town where everybody knows everybody.

The Girls were all played by gay-friendly actresses; Bea Arthur often spoke out against homophobia, and Betty White is a tireless supporter of gay marriage.

But the show itself could be quite homophobic:

1. Blanche is shocked to discover that her brother is "a homo."

2. Blanche cannot restrain her disgust at a feminine caterer: "you're about to fly right out of here, aren't you?" she asks, alluding to the stereotype of gay men as "fairies."

3. A female visitor develops a crush on Rose, who has no idea what lesbians are. When she finds out, she is shocked and horrified.

There was little beefcake. Though the Girls were sexually voracious -- jokes mostly involved sex -- the men they slept with were older, and fully clothed.

Occasionally there was a hot guest star for the gay teens, such as as Mario Lopez (later photo) as one of Dorothy's students, Scott Jacoby as Dorothy's son, or Billy Jacoby (below) as Blanche's grandson.

Why, then, was this homophobic, beefcake-free show a gay favorite?

The recurring scene where the Girls sit around their kitchen table, eating cheesecake and schmoozing.

The men in their lives came and went, but their same-sex friendship was eternal.

Like the subtext songs of the 1980s, an image of connection, of the families you build for yourself.

That's right, Finland, the conservative outsider of Scandinavia, somewhat isolated from the usual tourist circuit (but you can fly from London in about 3 hours), cold and cloudy, with a non-Indo-European language that's a problem for most Europeans to learn. When I visited in the spring of 1999 with Jaan and Yuri, I found out something very important:

On enemmän julkisia penis kuin Prahassa tai Pariisissa.
There are more public penises than in Prague or Paris.

1. Start with Helsinki, where there are about 400 monuments, statues, and works of public art. The most famous is The Three Smiths, by Felix Nylund, a statue of three naked smiths hammering on an anvil, in Three Smiths Square in the heart of Helsinki. It's customary to tell people, "Meet me at the three naked guys."

2.-3. Then the statues of long-distance runners Paavo Nurmi and Lasse Viren outside the Olympic Stadium. They didn't really run naked.

4. Drop by the Central Railroad Station to see two muscular guys holding lamps.

5. This statue is called Haaksirikkoiset, "Shipwreck," by Robert Stigell. It's facing east, toward Russia, so it's often interpreted in patriotic terms as the Finnish people overcoming adversity.

6. After that, you can just wander around. There are nude men on every corner. Like this monument to the Battle of Pellinki, by Gunnar Finne.

More after the break

7. Or "The Boxers," by Johannes Haapsalo, depicting two nude men sparring (left).

8.-9. Maano Oitinnen's "Matti and Jaakko" are two naked adolescents greeting visitors to an apartment complex on Munkkiniemenn Street. They represent the sons of the builder. How would you like to walk past a naked statue of yourself every day?

Then there's "The Fighter,""The Wounded Athlete," and...well, you get the general idea.

10. And don't forget Tampere, about two hours north of Helsinki, for three naked Tammerkoski, Bridge Statues by Väinö Aaltonen.

11. Or the monument to Aleksis Kivi, author of the homoerotic novel Seven Brothers, who was apparently allergic to clothes.

12. Or Tampere Cathedral, with its naked people rising from the dead in a fresco over the altar. It also features the very odd sight of 12 naked boys representing the Twelve Apostles handling "The Garland of Life." Real boys from Tampere were used as models.

And we haven't even gotten to Turku.

See also: the Forest of Gay Dreams in Parikkala, a park devoted to muscular male nudes in Oslo, and an Icelandic museum dedicated to the penis.

Every kid I knew was forced to see Oliver! in 1968. Our parents had the impression that musicals were somehow educational, and besides, it was Dickens.

Most of the kids I knew disliked it. After all, it was a musical. About child abuse, domestic violence, and other fun stuff. I found the heterosexist "true love" plot boring, but I liked the buddy-bonding between the streetwise Artful Dodger (15-year old Jack Wild, right) and the cherubic innocent Oliver (10-year old Mark Lester, left).

I followed Jack Wild onto H. R. Pufnstuf, but I heard nothing more about Mark Lester for many years. During the early 2000s, I was writing an article on demonic children in the movies, and I found that the cherub spent his pubescence playing violent or creepy, or both. His characters seemed uncomfortable with their bodies, ravaged by uncontrollable desires, and obsessively heterosexual.

In Eyewitness (1970), also released as Sudden Terror, 12-year old Ziggy (Mark) witnesses a murder on the Mediterranean island of Malta, and is pursued by the killer. He goes on the lam, along with his girlfriend.

In Melody (1971), 10-year old Daniel (Mark) falls in love with a girl and decides to marry her. The adults disapprove of a 10-year old getting married, but it's the heart of the counterculture, and "true love" is always right.

In What the Peeper Saw (1972), also released as Night Hair Child and Diabolica malicia, 14-year old Marcus (Mark) is sexually attracted to his father's new wife (Britt Eklund). She shares his interest, and they have sex. They conspire to kill Dad so they can be together. But is she really conspiring to kill Marcus?

In Who Slew Auntie Roo (1972), 14-year old Christopher (Mark) tries to rescue his sister from the demented Mrs. Forrest (Shelley Winters), who is holding her prisoner in the attic.

Love Under the Elms (1975) was originally titled La prima volta sull' erba, "the first time on the grass." While visiting Italy, Mark meets a girl, and they have sex a lot. It ends badly, but if you want to see frontal nudity, this is the one.

Not many gay kids saw these movies -- they were all rated R for violence and sex

Mark strips down to a swimsuit or his underwear, or is accosted in the bathtub, in all of his violent/creepy movies, but with all the heterosexual longing going on, there's not much time for homoerotic subtexts. After Oliver!, I found one only in Senza ragione (1973), also known as Redneck.

Lennox (Mark) is kidnapped by two crooks, the evil Memphis (Telly Savalas) and the hunky Mosquito (Franco Nero, left). Lennox bonds with Mosquito and they run away together, and spend the night, with rear nudity and a strong implication of sex between them. But does Lennox really like the gangster, or is he plotting? It ends badly.

Mark Lester also starred in some costume dramas that didn't require creepy sexuality. He retired from acting in 1977, studied osteopathy, and opened an acupuncture clinic in England.

My first exposure to mythology came from some older books in the Denkmann library: The Adventures of Odysseus, The Children of Odin, and The King of Ireland's Son, all written by Padraic Colum and illustrated by the Hungarian-American artist Willy Pogany (1882-1955).

He liked his models big.

Later I found some other books illustrated by Pogany. This is my first exposure to the Faust legend. The diabolical figure Mephistophiles is rather muscular, and naked, but I was disappointed to see that he had no penis.

Ok, for some reason the Devil never has a penis in Western art.

But there's no excuse for Pogany's depiction of Amfortas in the German epic Parsifal without a penis.

One might expect the advertising layout for Mohawk Rugs to feature Native Americans, but no, it's a harem of Middle Eastern boys.

Pogany was also interested in the female form. His art instruction books all have naked women on the covers, and he illustrated Pierre Louys'Songs of Bilitis (1926), poems in praise of the lesbian poetess Sapho. Del Martin borrowed its title for the first lesbian organization in the U.S., The Daughters of Bilitis.

Also some heterosexual erotic art -- but even there, his men lack penises.

In fact, I was able to find only one penis depicted in all of his oeuvre. Sort of:

See also: Why the Devil Has No Penis

During the late 1960s, our local afternoon kid's show, Captain Ernie's Cartoon Showboat, played a serial called Journey to the Beginning of Time, about four boys on a field trip to the Museum of Natural History in New York who find a secret passage leading to a mysterious river. They paddle down the river through different geological eras, rescuing each other from mastodons and dinosaurs, learning to survive in the prehistoric wilderness.

Finally they pass the Precambrian Era and see the dazzling psychedelic fireworks of the Earth's creation.

The serial made no sense. The boys' costumes and hair styles changed; they got taller and shorter; the voice-over narration didn't match the action; no one wonders how they're going to get back home again; and where did boys visiting a museum get a boat, anyway?

Still, it became one of the iconic images of my childhood, maybe because it made no sense. It was a puzzle, a mystery to be unraveled, and that puzzle involved boys facing the world together.

In a pivotal scene, Doc (Josef Lukas) loses the diary with his scientific notes of the journey, and Jo-Jo (Victor Betral) fights off a dinosaur to retrieve it. Their subsequent moment of emotional intimacy reverberated through my childhood.

Turns out that in 1966, producer William Cayton took the river sequences from a Czech movie, Cesta do Praveku (1955), then filmed new opening and closing segments in the United States with different boys, figuring that the dumb kids in his target audience would never notice.

I noticed, but I didn't care. I was busy watching the boys bonding with each other through science fiction adventure.

It's 8 hours by train from Antwerp to Prague, capital of the Czech Republic, but worth it.

Prague is one of the most beautiful cities in Europe. Try the view from Charles Bridge at night, looking toward the Mala Strana, with the castle lit up.

It has a thriving gay community.

A major porn industry, which has gotten some criticism for exploiting barely-legal models.

And more statues of naked men than any other city in the world. Here are the top ten public penises:

1.-2. This man and his twin are urinating on a map of the Czech Republic outside the Kafka Museum. As the water flows, their penises move up and down as if they are becoming aroused. Quite a spectacle (By the way, Franz Kafka had rather a substantial gay connection).

3. This naked boy stands at the entrance of the Supreme Burgrave's House (now a Toy Museum). You're supposed to rub his penis for luck.

4. The Memorial to the Victims of Communism, seven statues of men in decay, symbolizes the many political prisoners who were forced into exile or killed. But they're definitely naked.

5.-6. The gardens at Wallenstein Palace has a row of Romanesque statues, like this Perseus with his penis broken off.

More after the jump.

7. An accidental encounter with a row of naked soldiers.

8. Just look up as you're walking around the old city.

9. This one comes with a naked female companion, if you're into that.

10. Ok, you have to go inside for this one, by Barbora Mastrlova, in the Artbanka Museum of Young Art

There are lots more penises in the Museum of the Penis in Reykjavik, Iceland, or in Bhutan, a country dedicated to penis art, and, closer to home for Americans, the public penises of Washington DC. Or, if you would prefer them real, try the Naked Man Festivals of Japan, or anywhere in the Basque Country of Spain.

For a few years in the mid-1980s, Scott Grimes was as famous as Scott Baio or Matthew Broderick.

His red hair and boyish smile drew the interest of teen magazines, and his muscles and penchant for nudity made him a fave rave for many gay teens.

Not to mention his cool fashion sense and hard-to-miss bulges.

His body of work is comparatively small, but wide-ranging, from the pedestrian to the masterful to the ridiculous.

The pedestrian: guest spots on all of the standard tv programs of the 1980s, including Charles in Charge, Who's the Boss, My Two Dads, Wings, and 21 Jump Street. Starring roles in several series, including Goode Behavior, Party of Five, E.R., and American Dad (his current gig, voicing the teenage son Steve Smith).

The masterful: the miniseries Band of Brothers (2001), about an infantry division during World War II who learn heroism, courage, devotion, and love. Scott played Technical Sergeant Donald Malarkey, who is deeply affected by the bloodshed around him, and is always looking for someone to love.

In Dreamkeeper (2003), the Lakota Sioux elder Peter Chasing Horse tells his sullen, "modern" grandson, Shane (Eddie Spears), stories about their culture as they travel to a pow wow in Albuquerque. A Red-Headed Stranger (Scott) joins them. As the Stranger and Shane grapple with their unstated but strongly articulated homoerotic desire, Grandfather tells them the store of Tehan, a white man who joined the Kiowa. He, too, felt an unstated homoerotic desire.

Even Scott's ridiculous projects have some gay content.

In the Gremlins clone Critters (1986), an an army of small, round, squish monsters, sort of like tribbles with teeth, eat their way through a small town. Brad (Scott) combats them, along with two intergalactic bounty hunters. One morphs into an androgynous glam-rocker named Johnny Steele (Terence Mann), who draws the interest of both Scott and town drunk Charlie (Don Opper). At the end of the movie, Charlie asks for and receives an intergalactic bounty-hunting job, and the three zap off into space together.

In Critters 2 (1988), Brad is still at work stamping out critters, and the three bounty hunters return to Earth. His coworker dies in combat, and Johnny, grief-stricken, "destabilizes" (has an alien nervous breakdown). Charlie keeps his arm around him, comforting him, saying “I can’t go on without you." They embrace. The music swells. They have found true love.

Scott is also a talented singer, with three albums to his credit: Scott Grimes (1989), Livin' on the Run (2005), and Drive (2010). His songs are moody and dark, mostly about lost loves and growing old, but most do not specify the gender of his love, making them resonate with both heterosexual and gay audiences.
He is a gay ally, and often contributes to pro-gay causes.

One of the legacies of Ralph Macchio's Karate Kid (1984), and ultimately Bruce Lee's popularization of Chinese martial arts, was a fad of ninja kids. Unfortunately, they almost invariably limited buddy bonding to concentrate on making teenage or preteen martial artists, or both, improbably hetero-horny, contributing to the 1990s insistence that no gay kids could exist.

In 1993’s Surf Ninjas, hardbodied teenageJohnny (Ernie Reyes Jr., who also starred in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) gazes at girls and Playboy magazine. His brother, Adam, claims lack of interest, but when Johnny’s potential bride shows up in a veil, he quips “Chick’s got a veil, dude better bail,” and when Johnny’s opening line to her is the lame “Wanna go to the mall sometime?” he says “Way to close the deal, Casanova.” Though he expresses no interest of his own, he is aware of heterosexual desire at the age of eleven.

Born in September 1979, Ted Jan Roberts made several karate kid-type straight-to-video films before he retired to become a martial arts pro. In A Dangerous Place (1994), the fey thirteen-year old kicks, jabs, and buddy-bonds with William James Jones without glancing at girls, but in A Power Within (1995) and Tiger Heart (1996), the fourteen year old’s main goal in life is to ask a girl for a date.

3 Ninjas (1992) starred three martial arts-whiz brothers: Rocky (Michael Treanor), Colt (Max Elliot Slade), and Tum-Tum (Chad Power). (Because they are strong, quick, and gluttonous, respectively). Only the oldest, Rocky, is interested in girls, to the hilarious amusement of his brothers. But none of them expresses any interest in boys, or even has a male friend.

The $29,000,000 gross ensured a sequel, The Three Ninjas Knuckle Up (1995). This time it's the second brother, Colt, who -- on a vacation in the Southwest, flirts with – and rescues – the Native American girl Jo. When his brothers tease him, saying “Colt’s gonna kiss Jo,” he happily agrees: “Maybe I will.”

The ninjas had remain to be kids, just on the edge of adolescence, in The Three Ninjas Kick Back (1995), only Max Elliott Slade remained of the original cast. Sean Fox now played Rocky, and J. Evan Bonifant Tum-Tum. At fourteen Colt was obviously an adolescent, significantly taller, with a deeper voice. Again, Colt is the one who grins at, almost-kisses, and rescues a teenage girl.

In The Three Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998), there was a new group: fourteen-year old Mathew Botuchis, teen-idol cute in a red muscle shirt, played Rocky as assiduously girl-crazy, rescuing and kissing not only his girlfriend but a new, brainy female sidekick. The other boys, played by Michael O'Laskey and James Paul Roeske. remain uninterested.

What are we to make of these variations in heterosexual desire?

1. Not every kid in the movie had to pursue a hetero-romance, but at least one of them did.
2. There was no room for same-sex friendships. Males were bullies, antagonists, enemy spies, never friends.
3. Heroic fantasy, such as the Neverending Story, had more room for buddy-bonding than movies set in our own world.
4. Beefcake was not necessary, nor even recommended, since every shirtless or swimsuit shot invites the gaze of gay boys and teenagers, and you want to pretend that there are none.

You may remember Ansel Elgort from the 2013 revision of Stephen King's Carrie: he played Tommy Ross, who takes the repressed schoolgirl with psychic powers to the prom, and gets doused with pig blood. The 2013 version emphasizes the bullying and the gay symbolism of Carrie's "difference."

The 24-year actor also starred in Divergent (2014) is about a dystopian society that hunts down people who don't fit in to one of the five social categories: "what makes you different, makes you dangerous." Let the gay symbolism begin!

The Fault in Our Stars (2014) is a heterosexual romance about two teens who fall in love in a cancer support group. After the replicated the romantic poster with co-star Nat Wolff, he had to specify: "I like girls. A lot. But if I was gay, I wouldn't hide it."

The son of photographer Arthur Elgort, Ansel has naturally gravitated toward modeling, appearing Teen Vogue, American Vogue, and elsewhere.

Also the son of an opera director, he has naturally gravitated toward music. He has Facebook and Soundcloud pages where you can check out his tunes.

Ansel belongs to the laid-back "post-gay" world. When he took off his shirt for a spread in the spring 2013 issue of Flaunt magazine, he stated that he had a girlfriend, but "would go gay for Tom Hardy."

Born in 1983, Mat Botuchis got his start in one of the martial-arts -craze vehicles of the 1990s, High Noon at Mega Mountain, where he had to flex his muscles and get a girlfriend (1998). He had the look and style to become one of the top teen idols of the 1990s, but he was more interested in serious acting.

He's appeared in MTV's Undressed, The Amanda Show, the gay movie Ten Attitudes (2001), and on the gay-themed tv series Will and Grace (2005-2006). He played the only straight guy working at the Out TV network.

Name recognition still eludes Mat, but hopefully his incipient movie career will change that.

October 27, 1977, the cold, windy Thursday night four days before Halloween, during my senior year in high school.

The family has gathered in front of the tv set, as usual: the tv is on every night from dinnertime to bedtime, a backdrop to all of our other activities.

7:00: Welcome Back, Kotter. I look up briefly to see Horshak (Ron Pallilo) explain, yet again, that his name means "The cattle are dying."

7:30: What's Happening!. I look up briefly to check out Haywood Nelson's butt and bulge.

At 8:00, my parents want to watch Barney Miller, but I'm anxious to see James at Fifteen, starring teen idol Lance Kerwin. So I watch on my small portable set upstairs.

At 9:00, I turn off the tv and start doing homework. A few moments later, my brother Ken comes clomping up the stairs. "You'll never guess what they're watching down there!" he exclaims. "Barnaby Jones!"

"You're kidding -- Jed Clampett as a private eye?" The oldster detective is played by the star of the Beverly Hillbillies.

"And Catwoman is his secretary!" Lee Meriwether, who plays Barnaby's daughter-in-law, was Catwoman on Batman.

"Gross! Next they'll have Scooby-Doo!"

Ken laughs. "Don't take my word for it -- you have to watch to see how terrible it is."

"Come on!" I complain. "Old people tv?" My friends would rib me unmercifully if they found out I had watched something as lame as Barnaby Jones!

Ignoring me, he flips the tv on, and clicks the dial to CBS.

No Jed Clampett, no Catwoman. Two cute young guys, one in a muscle shirt that displays baseball-sized biceps, the other in skin-tight jeans that reveal an enormous bulge. They are standing so close together that they seem about to kiss.

"You're the man for me!" Muscle Shirt says.

"Let's not get carried away!" Tight-Jeans protests.

"This looks good...I mean, awful." I stammer.

Looking back, I'm surprised that I didn't come out at that moment. But no, I absolutely did not connect I want to see those guys kiss! with gay.

"What did I tell you?" Ken flips the tv set off, flops down on his bed, and opens a math textbook.

The next week I pretend to be immersed in a book in order to watch Barnaby Jones with my parents. Tight-Jeans is Mark Shera, playing Barnaby's nephew, a law school student. But he definitely likes girls.

What about Muscle Shirt, with his baseball-sized biceps and the romantic plaint of "You're the man for me?" He must have been a guest star.

Before the days of the internet, there is no way to track down the episode. I'll have to wait for summer reruns.

But during the summer, I am working at the mall on Thursday nights. The scene of gay romance is lost forever.

Until a few days ago, when I found a photo of the scene on ebay, which led to the entire episode on youtube: "Gang War," starring 31-year old Asher Brauner. My memory changed the dialogue a bit: he's not in love with Mark Shera, he's about to kidnap him.

Asher Brauner has been in a few movies of gay interest: he played "Buddy" in Alexander: the Other Side of Dawn (1977), about a teenage runaway who becomes a hustler, and "Ted," in the gay-themed Making Love.

He played the hero in the Indiana Jones spoof Treasure of the Moon Goddess (1987), and a man-mountain who takes out entire countries in American Eagle (1989) and Merchants of War (1989).

And he was the hero of a gay romance that I misread 30 years ago on Barnaby Jones.

Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23 premiered in April 2012, oddly following the family-friendly Modern Family. After 7 episodes, it was renewed for a second season, but episodes were shown out of sequence, leaving viewers confused. In January 2013, it was abruptly cancelled, leaving 8 episodes of 26 unaired. But you can see the whole series on Logo and Netflix (unfortunately, still not in the right order).

It's a buddy comedy about a wholesome, idealistic girl from hayseed-stereotyped Indiana, June Colburn (Dreama Walker) and her apartment mate, the fun, glamorous, and utterly amoral Chloe (Krysten Ritter), who makes her living through scams and frauds (but this is the New York of Friends, not Seinfeld, so even the evil are rather nice). Through a constant stream of mishaps, crises, and long-cons, June learns to be more spontaneous, and Chloe develops a conscience, of sorts.

Their partner-in-hijinks is James Van Der Beek of Dawson's Creek, playing "himself" as obsessed with his dwindling fanbase and trying to make a comeback on Dancing with the Stars. Celebrity competitors and colleagues often appear: Dean Cain, Frankie Muniz, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Richard Dean Anderson.

There's not much gay presence, except for screaming-queen Luther (Ray Ford), James' assistant, and some gay-subtext vibe between James and Mark (Eric Andre), the manager of the coffee shop where June works.

But the beefcake is constant. The 26 episodes feature at least 14 hunks, mostly with their shirts off.

1. and 2. James Van Der Beek and Eric Andre (above).

3. Michael Blaiklock (left) as Eli, the "pervert" who openly spies on them through the open window and offers friendly advice.

4. Michael Landes as Scott, Chloe's father. She sets June up with him, without mentioning that parental thing. Personally, I don't have any problems with dating guys old enough to be my father, or young enough to be my son, but June freaks out.

5. Ben Lawson as Benjamin, an Australian director who becomes part of Chloe's Halloween scam: she always makes someone's worst fear's come true. But Chloe doesn't realize that Ben is scamming her, too, making her worst fear come true: the fear that she will genuinely care for someone.

6. Kyle Howard as Daniel, a "regular guy" that Chloe and June compete over in a bizarre dating game orchestrated by James -- without telling Daniel.

7. Hartley Sawyer as Charles, a dumb guy with amazing abs who June hooks up with to demonstrate that she's not a prude. Unfortunately, she is then conned into becoming his girlfriend.

8. Ryan Windish as Beckett Everett, the owner of a shop where Chloe gets a job to enact her latest scam.

More after the break.

9.Tate Ellington as Steven, June's fiance from back in Indiana, who has been cheating on her for years.

10. Pryom Haider as a guy Luther dates. Ok, he's only on screen for like 23 seconds, but can you think of a better way of spending 23 seconds? Other than having him actually in the room with you, that is.

11. Jason Olive as Hot Trey, the guy Chloe sees when she's drunk. When she is sober, he turns out to be somewhat less hot, plus mentally disabled (played by Thomas Lennon). She decides to date him anyway, because he's rich.

12. Davi Santos as Anthony. Chloe ordinarily wouldn't object to dating someone who is underage (the actor himself is 26), but she's trying to kick her habit of falling for inappropriate guys.

13.-14. Alexander Aquino and Daniel Capellano as guys Jane considers dating, but finds something wrong with.

I think she's a little too picky.

Catholic Prep Schools #2: Otherworldly Contemplation or Beefcake?

The First Teen Idols, 1956-1963

A Gay Teen on the Disney Channel

Bizaardvark: Bizaare Beefcake

The Sonic Drive-In Guys Are Saving a Gay Kid's Life

Nanny and the Professor

The 7 Most Horrible DMVs

Popeye: Finding a Non-Traditional Family

The Golden Girls: Homophobic Gay Favorite

Top 12 Public Penises of Finland

Mark Lester after Oliver

The Only Penis Drawn by Willy Pogany

Journey to the Beginning of Time

The Top 10 Public Penises of Prague

Scott Grimes: a Band of Brothers

Ninja Kids of the 1990s

Ansel Elgort: The Post-Gay Carrie Hunk

Mat Botuchis

Fall 1977: A Gay Romance on "Barnaby Jones"

14 Beefcake Stars of "Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23"