Why I Walked Out on Spiderman

I was asked if I ever see a movie that doesn't have gay characters or a gay subtext.

Not often. If it's of historical importance, or if the premise is intriguing, maybe.

For instance, let's look at the top grossing films of 2002 that I didn't see.

1. My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Who wants to see a movie about heterosexuals getting married?
2. Austin Powers in Gold Member. It stars the homophobic Seth Green.
3. Men in Black 2.  It stars the homophobic Will Smith.
4. Die Another Day. Trailer showed Pierce Brosnan kissing women.



5. The Bourne Identity.  Trailer showed man (Matt Damon, left) hooking up with woman.
6. Maid in Manhattan. Ralph Fiennes in love with a woman.
7. Red Dragon. Sequel to the homophobic Silence of the Lambs.
8. The Time Machine. I knew the original was heterosexist.










9. 40 Days and 40 Nights.  Hetero-romantic comedy starring Josh Hartnett (left)
10. Cabin Fever.  Starred Rider Strong of Boy Meets World, but I heard that there was a joke about killing gay people.
11. Tuck Everlasting. Hetero-romance starring the homophobic  Jonathan Jackson.
12. Boat Trip.  Homophobic.

And the ones I saw:
1. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Sam and Frodo subtext.
2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Harry and Ron subtext.
3. Chicago. Strong lesbian subtext.
4. Sweet Home Alabama. Gay character.




5. Spy Kids 2.  Children's movie starring Daryl Sabara (left, later photo), who doesn't express any hetero-horniness.
6. Insomnia.  I thought it looked interesting.
7. Big Fat Liar. Children's movie starring Frankie Muniz of Malcolm in the Middle, who befriends a girl but doesn't fall in love with her.
8. Orange County. Gay characters.
9. Clockstoppers.  A boy (Jesse Bradford) and a girl stop time, but don't fall in love.
10. The Mothman Prophecies.  I'm into the paranormal.
11. Far From Heaven.  Gay married man in the 1950s.
12. The Importance of Being Earnest. Oscar Wilde!

Looks like one movie in every six lacks gay content.

But wait -- I started three more:

1. 28 Days Later.  Cilian Murphy fights zombies with a man and a woman. I'm all set for a nice triangulation, when all of a sudden the man dies.  I don't wait around for the fade-out kiss.

2. Igby Goes Down.  Stars Kieran Culkin (below), whom I heard was gay.  His character isn't, but there's an amazingly homophobic portrayal of a bi drug dealer.

3. Spider Man.  It begins with Tobey Maguire (top photo) stating "Like all good stories, this story is about [a boy and] a girl."  All good stories? I'm outta there.