Link to the backsides and pipis.
I wanted to watch Tuiscoms, a 2025 South African drama on Netflix, to hear people speaking in Afrikaans. Plus South Africa has had same-sex marriage since 2006, so there are bound to be some gay characters.
Scene 1: Fleur, a middle aged woman, is on the beach, looking morose. Suddenly she gets bird-pooped on. Gross! Narrator: "Is the whole universe out to get her?" Probably.
Cut to the Juntos Restaurant in Pretoria (about 50 minutes north of Johannesburg), where, due to a convoluted series of heterosexual events, a chef's hair ends up on the dessert served to a picky-looking guy. Fleur is the owner, struggling to keep the restaurant open and keep her life together after her husband's death. At least it's not a cliched Dead Wife.
So when the picky-looking guy complains, instead of replacing the dessert or comping his meal, she insissts that there's no hair, just a trick of the light. To prove it, she eats it!
Videos of the debacle go viral, Fleur is disgraced, the restaurant goes bankrupt, she loses the house. She and her teenage daughter Kelly are forced to move in with her parents in Wilderness (a real town 1200 km or 750 miles south of Pretoria, on the coast)
Scene 2: They arrive in Wilderness and drop in to the art fair for a gift for Gran. Oh no, a flat tyre!
Scene 3: Time to reunite with the parents. Dad made flapjacks for breakfast, but Mom, aka the Yellow Witch, excuses herself -- she's got a chapter due. "But your daughter just got here!" Dad says angrily. Uh-oh, trouble!
During the uncomfortable breakfast, Dad complains about the viral video: "The internet is a sewage plant!" But the Yellow Witch liked it: "Very resilient, creative." "It destroyed your daughter's life?""So?"
By the way, Fleur has an interview tomorrow, project manager at a construction company in George (a real town 15 minutes from Wilderness. Were they running out of names?) The Yellow Witch insults her.
Doorbell, thank goodness! It's flowers, accidentally delivered to the wrong address, from Dad to...Lucy! As if things weren't tense enough already! Fleur and Daughter Kelly start offloading so they can avoid the fireworks.
Scene 4: While Fleur is taking a shower, the geyser (hot water heater) goes out, and the ceiling starts leaking. Then Daughter Kelly burst in wijth the news that Gran and Grandad are splitting up! "It's a sign, Mom -- the universe is out to get you!"
Later, Fleur and Daughter Kelly practice interviews, and Fleur tries to be nice to her mum, but is rejected: "I'm busy writing, growl, growl."
"But what about the broken geyser? Who should I call?"
"Call Nick, the Greek god who is in love with you. He's the local handyman."
Scene 5: In the morning, while Fleur and Daughter Kelly having smoothies, the Greek God Nick shows up. He pops up everywhere! I guess it's a small town, so there's only one coffee kiosk. "I'll fix your geyser today. Would you come to my drum circle tonight?" Or you could ask her out to dinner. Oh, right -- too many bad memories.
Fleur agrees to go to the drum circle, but then another woman rips open and oozes against the Greek God's chest, and she gets all upset. You thought he was monogamous, girlfriend?
Uh-oh, Fleur can't afford to pay for their smoothies -- Daughter Kelly has to chip in. The bank account is empty. They're totally dependent on Gran.
Next up: backing out of the parking space, she hits Werner (Armand Aucamp)! She offers to take him to Casualties (the Emergency Room), but he wants to go to his shop. One of his customers is a doctor, who will take a look at his ankle. During his time off, for free?
Scene 6: The shop is Bloom and Bean, which sells flowers and coffee, I guess. The Doctor says "Call an ambulance! If we hurry, we can save your foot!" Psych -- he's just joking. "You've just twisted your ankle. Stop being such a wimp!"
They all know Fleur, because she grew up there, and she's the Yellow Witch's daughter. She has to rush off to take her Daughter to school, but surely she'll be back, and have to choose between Flower-Arranger Werner and Nick the Greek God.
Left: Armand Aucamp is gay in real life, but his character is straight.
Scene 7: Gran, the Yellow Witch, on her computer, writing away. She stares at the note that came in the flowers. Hey, maybe she can find this Lucy and cast a spell on her?She heads to the Bloom and Bean and tells the clerk about the mixup. "So, do you know where my bouquet was sent?" "Sure, it's in Sedgfield" (20 minutes east of Wilderness).
Scene 8: Time for Fleur's interview. at the construction company Boss Michael McKendrick (Marvin-Lee Beukes) is yelling at his workers, but he calms down and gets a"love at first sight" gaze at Fleur. She's Oh no, three suitors. Another series in which the female lead is surrounded by guys drooling over her as if she's a pork chop.
Meanwhile, Daughter Kelly is at school. sitting at lunch alone, sketching. A girl approaches: "People say I talk too much and that's why I don't have friends or a boyfriend." Good opening line.
Uh-oh, Ferdinand approaches (Paul Strydom, top photo). The girl doesn't want to see him. She explains: "He's hot and I'm crazy about him, but he's a freak." He wants to show them something on his phone. His buddy Evan (Cantona James) tries to stop him, but they see it anyway: a middle-aged woman eating a banana. While Ferdinand explains that he would enjoy having the woman...um...eat his banana, Kelly notices that she's her Mum!
She decks his friend Evan. "But I didn't say anything!" he complains. "You're all alike." Hey, that's insulting!
Soft, passive, not sexist, and played by a male actor with a girl's name. I'm calling it: Evan is going to be Kelly's gay bestie, and she'll fall in love with the "arrogant" Ferdinand.
More after the break
Scene 9: The Yellow Witch arrives at the house where Grandad's fling lives, but loses her nerve and drives away. Instead, she goes home and starts burning his books. Um...she's the writer. Aren't they her books, too?
More interview stuff. Fleur recalls her dying husband. Then Boss Hendricks gets a phone call, and has to leave.
Grandad calls, too: Daughter Kelly got in trouble at school. She beat up Evan Hendricks -- the son of the guy interviewing her! Small world! Well, there goes that job. I guess it's down to Greek God Nick and Flower-Arranger Werner.
Scene 10: Later, Fleur calls Mr. Hendricks to apologize for her daughter's act. "I'd like to say I didn't raise her that way, but clearly I did." Oops, he didn't realize that the assailant was her daughter. But: "You're not getting the job. It's too much of a risk."
Eventually Nick is ready for some activity, so he signals for Fleur to join him: "Do you know you carry the universe in your soul?" Dumb pick-up line, Buddy. But it works -- they sneak off into the woods, smooch for a long time, and then he drops to his knees to do stuff. But she remembers her dead husband and gets out of the mood.
Scene 11: Grandadis leaving the Yellow Witch permanently because he "wants to be happy." Fleur apologizes for dragging her daughter to Wilderness, and tells her that she has to apologize to the guy she decked.A hookup between Nick the Greek God and the Yellow Witch is coming up.
At school the next day, Needy Girl asks Daughter Kelly to join their lift club (weightlifting club). There are just a few members, including Evan, the guy she decked! "He's really very nice." And obviously gay.
Time for the apology: "I'm sorry that I hit you. It wasn't a nice day." Evan accepts, and notes that he forced his bud Ferdinand to delete the memes from his phone.
Scene 12: Fleur heads to the Blooms and Beans store to apologize to Flower-Arranger Werner, the guy she ran over. They gaze and flirt, and he offers her a job. I called it. This is way predictable.
Back to the beach, where she gets dumped on by the bird. Her dead husband appears and criticizes her for not doing it with Nick the Greek God: "His backside is beautiful." Did Dead Husband like guys, or is he just verbalizing Fleur's thoughts?
The end.
Afrikaans: Turns out that Afrikaans is spoken by only 12% of the population (Zulu and Xhosa are more common), and it's generally a "home language." In public they spoke English, or switched instantly when addressing a stranger. All signs were in English.South Africa: I was expecting some distinctive African flora and fauna, artwork, or architecture, but Wilderness might as well be in the Cotswolds. 81% of the population of South Africa is black, but no one here, not even in crowd scenes.
A Xhosa pistol, also called a pipi, pifta, and 45, is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends
Beefcake: Nick the Greek God. Werner's butt will appear in a future episode.
Gay Characters: Obviously Evan.
I went through his scenes on fast-forward to see if he gets a boyfriend. In Episode 6, he and Kelly go to a comic book convention to meet their idol, who trashes their work. He didn't want to come, so he takes it out on Kelly: "You don't see me!" Of course not. The gay bestie is there to counsel the Girl on her choice between the muscular but irresponsible one or the one with a stable career.
Evan goes to the convention wearing a pink hat and big earrings. You can't get much more femme.
Wait -- when his Dad picks him up, he is gazing at Kelly as she walks away.
"How in love are you?" Dad asks.
"Insanely."
Queerbaiting jerk!
The actor is even femme/straight in real life. He wants us to know "how lucky I am to have this woman in my life. I can't wait to marry her."
Yeah, right. You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!
Queerbaiting jerk.
See also: Dakari Chatman: Conservative spokesperson, Christ-follower, LGBT ally. Well, my gaydar says just LGBT.
Justified: Kentucky cowboy has a gay-subtext romance with an unhinged thug