A couple of days ago, I did my usual run of looking for gay subtexts or gay (male) characters on my streaming services, and came up empty. Today I'm just looking for a male protagonist. I don't even care if he has a dead wife; if the protagonist has a penis, I'm in.
Let's check the New Releases on Netflix.
1. Inventing Anna. Is Anna an entrepreneur or a con artist?
2. Don't Kill Me. A girl and her bad boy boyfriend (Rocco Fasano) die of drug overdoses, and then she ends up alone in a zombie-vampire world. .
3. Tall Girl 2. A girl faces the horrible bullying that comes from being rich, intelligent, attractive, popular...and tall.
4. Feria. Two sisters in Spain discover that their dead parents belonged to a cult. Carlos Scholz (left) appears in eight episodes.
5. Chosen. A girl investigates the mystery of a meteor that fell in Denmark.
6. Erax: Monstrous creatures cause trouble for a little girl and her aunt.
I swear, I'm not skipping anything except cartoons and documentaries. This is exactly the order in which they are displayed.
7. Through the Window. A girl falls in love with the boy next door.
8. Devotion: A woman discovers that her husband is having an affair.
9. Home Team: A coach who has been fired due to a real-life scandal coaches his sports-hating son in football. Male Protagonist!
I finally found one, but it's not something I would ever watch. About football -- ugh -- starring Kevin James -- ugh -- and produced by Adam Sandler -- ugh.
Is the football-hating son gay? Only one review seems to think so, but it's behind a paywall.
10. Honey Girls. Nuff said.
11. Fistful of Vengeance. A female assassin.
12. In From the Cold. An American single mom is exposed as a Russian spy.
13. Heart Shot. Two girls in love. Gay representation, but remember, I'm looking for testosterone.
14. Bigbug. A future housewife must fight androids who stage a coups.
15. Countdown. A nurse discovers that she has three days to live.
16. Forgive Us Our Trespasses. A boy with a limb difference is targeted by the Nazis during World War II. Male Protagonist.
The star, Knox Gibson, is a 14-year old amputee and diversity advocate. Increasing the awareness of physical diversity is important, but I'm still not watching any movie about a kid targeted by Nazis. Cast him in a movie where he's a regular high school kid solving a mystery.
17. My Best Friend Anne Frank. Let me guess -- they both die in a concentration camp?
18. Framed. Two bumbling tv technicians, played by the famous Sicilian comedy team Salvatore Ficarra and Valentino Picara, stumble upon a murder. Male Protagonists!
19. Finding Ola. She embarks on a journey of self-discovery.
20. Secrets of Summer. A competitive wakeboarder at a resort in Argentina. I already reviewed this.There are some cute guys hanging around, but the protagonist is female.
21. Love Tactics. A rom-com from Turkey.
22. Transformers. A 2007 movie misclassified as a "new release," with Shia LaBeouf and The Girl of His Dreams fighting those 1980s toys. Male and female protagonists don't count.
23. Until Life Do Us Part. Not to be confused with the 2020 movie about two 70-year olds with a suicide pact, this is a tv series about a family of wedding planners in Brazil. Diego Alfonso (left) is in there somewhere, but the protagonist is....a lady.
24. Fishbowl Wives. Women in unhappy marriages in Japan decide to cheat.
25. Love and Leashes. A man and a woman in Korea decide to try S&M. Male and female protagonists don't count.
26. I Am Georgina. Of course you are.
27. Anne+: A queer girl moves from Amsterdam to Montreal in search of love. Gay representation, but no penises.
The results: 3 of 27 had male protagonists. 11%. The suits at Netflix must think that subscribers are all women in search of empowerment and heterosexual men in search of cheesecake.