In the new Disney/Pixar Luca, teenage sea monster Luca (Jacob Tremblay) lives beneath the sea in Italy. He is forbidden from going above the surface, because the humans who live there are savage monsters, killing and eating the sea creatures. One day he goes Above anyway, and magically turns into a human. He meets Alberto (Jack Dylan Grazer), a sea monster living as human in a ruined tower. They quickly become boyfriends. Montage of them trying on clothes, dancing, working on a Vespa, arms around each other watching the sunset.
I'm starting to think that they're canonically gay. As they lie on the ground, talking about their dream of owning a Vespa, Luca says "I never would have experienced any of this without you." I swear that they're about to kiss.
Meanwhile life under the sea becomes increasingly repressive; Luca's parents are going to send him away to the Deep, so he won't be able to see Alberto anymore. Alberto suggests that they hit the road together: they'll go to the human town, track down the guy who builds Vespas, and ask him to build one for them (their knowledge of humans is rather limited). Of course, they can't get wet, or the humans will discover their secret, and they'll be gutted and eaten.
In the town,they encounter the bullying braggart Ercole, who has won the Portorosso Cup five years in a row, and a girl named Giulia, who intervenes when Ercole tries to push them into a fountain (and reveal their secret), a girl named Giulia comes to the rescue. Uh-oh, I smell hetero-romance. At least there's no slack-jawed gazing. She tells them that kids "who are different" need to stick together. Like to compete in the contest and win the prize -- Vespas!
She brings them home for dinner, where her Dad, the bulkitudinous Massimo -- gulp -- is a fisherman: "I gut and cook anything that swims." But Alberto cozies up to Massimo by offering to help out: "We know a lot of fish."
Training for the three parts of the contest -- swimming, pasta-eating, and a bike-race. The boys can't swim, or they'll be outed, so they divide up the contest: Giulia swimming, Alberto pasta-eating, and Luca bike-riding.
That night, in the moonlight, Massimo calls Alberto away, leaving Luca and Giulia alone. He shoots back a worried look -- is Giulia going to make the moves on his boyfriend?
They through a telescope at the stars, and then Giulia shows him a lot of books about science and human culture ("The stars aren't fish? Alberto was wrong!"). I'm getting a sinking feeling.
Alberto interrupts. Glaring at Giulia, he says "It's time to go...."
Luca is all excited about his new knowledge of stars and planets, but Alberto will have none of it: focus on the Vespa, and the two of us together forever....
"Giulia has a big telescope at school in Genoa. We could visit her...."
"Why the heck would we want to do that?"
The bullies appear and start to beat up Alberto. Luca rescues him. Whew, back to the romance.
Whoops, while they're training, Giulia puts her hand on Luca's. Alberto jealously pulls him away. This will not end well for Alberto.
Later, Alberto tries to put his arm around Luca, but Luca angrily pushes him away. He doesn't want to go on the road anymore. He wants to go to school.
Alberto: "We can't go to school. We're sea monsters!"
They fight. Giulia interrrupts. Alberto snippily gets wet, so he appears as a sea monster. Giulia screams; Luca pretends to be afraid, too. The bullies arrive and throw harpoons. Betrayed, Alberto disappears into the ocean.
Giulia deduces that Luca is a sea monster, too! "You have to leave, even though this is the happiest I've been since..." Gulp, lo-oo-oove is in the air! "Why did you come to a town where the main economy is killing sea monsters?" Luca explains: "We did all of this to win the Vespa, so we could be together. But that's all over now. Alberto is gone."
Luca finds Alberto in their old hideout, and apologizes for betraying him. "Ok, you're sorry. Whatever. Just leave me alone." He approaches, tries to hug Alberto, and is swatted away. "Just leave me alone." "Ok, I'll go win the race without you, and bring back the Vespa, and we can be together again."Um...Alberto has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to date you anymore.
Luca enters the contest by himself. He wears a diving outfit during the swim section to avoid outing himself, but then it starts raining during the bike race! Alberto distracts everyone so Luca can still win, but it doesn't work. They end up on the bike together, out as sea monsters, being chased by harpoon-wielding bullies.
Luca: "We're not afraid of you!"
Bully: "No, but we're afraid of you! Everyone is horrified and disgusted by you, because you are monsters!"
Massimo: "They are not monsters. They are Luca and Alberto."Wow, his homophobia faded away quickly.
Turns out that there have been sea monsters in the village all along, hiding among the humans. Now they have the courage to come out of the closet.
Grandma: "Some people will never accept Luca, but others will."
They still have to decide if they're going to hit the road or go to school. School it is.
Wait -- only Luca is going to school in Genoa. Alberto is staying in the village with Massimo. Boo! I don't care that they hug and cry, and Alberto says "We'll always be together...in our hearts." They should both be at that school!
The homophobic director has explicitly stated that Alberto and Luca are not gay: they're too young to have sex, so obviously they can't have "turned gay" yet. But non-homophobic fans aren't so sure.
And of course, this is a Disney film. No one in a Disney film can possibly be overtly gay, less its homophobic audience (or what it assumes is a homophobic audience) starts to scream.
Well, at least there was a gay couple on Sesame Street. For 8.34 minutes.