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| Derek in the Shower |
David Johnson, son of the Professor on Gilligan's Island.
David Cameron, whose mother starred him in the classic novel The Wonderful Flight to the Mushroom Planet.
And, in the spring of 1988, my first live-in boyfriend, Fred.
We met during my sophomore year in college, when he was a ministerial student. When he got a job at a church in small-town Nebraska. I moved with him, but it was a disaster -- he cheated on me with the teenager downstairs -- so I returned Rock Island.
We kept in contact, mostly through mutual friends. He stayed in horrible small-town Nebraska until 1982, then moved to horrible small-town Kansas, and in 1985 left the ministry for a job as a mental health counselor in Kansas City.
One morning in February 1988, my roommate Derek, my ex-boyfriend Raul, and some other people were having brunch at the French Quarter, when suddenly Fred strolled by on the sidewalk outside, accompanied by a Cute Young Thing.
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| The French Quarter |
I did a few double takes, then rushed out and grabbed him by the shoulder.
"Jeff!" He gave me a friendly hug. "I heard you were living here now. I didn't have your number, or I would have called."
I dragged him and the Cute Young Thing back to our table to join us. "What are you doing in town?"
He was visiting seminaries, planning to enroll in a D.Min. (Doctor of Ministry) program to hopefully land a church in a decent town. He had already interviewed at Yale and Vanderbilt, and now Claremont School of Theology, out in the San Gabriel Valley.
The Cute Young Thing (CYT), was barely out of his teens, slim with dirty-blond hair, an ostentatious diamond earring, a blue t-shirt, and tight blue shorts with a bulge that caused heads to turn even in bulge-heavy West Hollywood. I don't know where Fred found him.
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| A CYT |
You don't often see such an annoying combination of hotness and snark.
We went sightseeing, and then to dinner and to the clubs, while the CYT kept up a constant stream of criticism:
West Hollywood was "tacky," the Pacific Design Center "tired," Beverly Hills "bourgeois."
I had a job at Muscle and Fitness as "a glorified file clerk for narcissists," I was getting a "worthless degree" at a "second rate school," my car was "tacky," and my clothing was "hayseed."
To add insult to injury, the Cute Young Thing kept cruising me.
The next day Fred had to do a sample sermon and have lunch with the committee, and somehow he talked me into taking the CYT out for more sightseeing. I dragged Raul along to share the pain.
The criticism continued: I was from the Midwest, "nothing but hayseeds and cows," and a "geezer" at age 28. Raul was "fat," wore a "glorified pimp" outfit, and should "learn to speak English."
Something had to be done about this menace!
Fortunately, we had a plan.
We went back to the hotel, kissed and fondled a bit, and stripped the CYT out of his clothes. Then we broke away.
"Whew! That's some gut you got!" Raul exclaimed, pointing at his six-pack abs. "How did you hide it? Sorry, man, I'm not into fatties."
"What? I....um..." the Cute Young Thing stammered.
"And what do you call that?" I said, pointing at his enormous package. "I never saw one so small before."
"Maybe Fred likes them tiny?" Raul suggested. "But he dated you, so how..."
"How does he even know it's there? Sorry, buddy, I'm not into pencil stubs."
We got up and left the CYT speechless and staring on the bed.
Later that evening Fred called. "What did you say to the CYT? He insisted that I turn Claremont down! He said the guys in West Hollywood are too fat and ugly!"
"I don't know," I said. "I guess he found out what we're made of."