Time for another search through the "movies we think you'll like" on Amazon Prime.
1. Danny's Doomsday: Teenage Danny and his brother must help each other during a monster apocalypse. Sounds like a lot of buddy bonding. I'll just watch the trailer to make sure....
Whoops. The first second shows Danny in class, staring gape-jawed at The Girl of His Dreams. That was fast. Next!
One point
2. The Trap Door at the Edge of the Universe. A film noir detective takes a case from a blonde femme fatale. Next.
No points
3. Nobody. Not the 2021 action-adventur move, the 2007 thriller, the 2007 tv movie, or the 2007 movie about "finding yourself." Enough with the one word titles that have been used over and over throughout cinema history!
Ok, this one is a comedy: Lindeman, a 25 year old art student, struggles to find his inspiration, finding himself in one ridiculous situation after another. Ok so far. Let's check out the trailer.
He' talks to a girl about his trouble finding his inspiration, assaults a giant block of granite (how did he get it into his apartment anyway?), talks to her again, attacks the giant block again, and then, at the 1.0 minute mark, his jaw gapes as he sees The Girl walking in slow motion down the stairs.
One point
4. The Outcasts: A female high school version of Revenge of the Nerds, starring former Disney teen Victoria Justice and Eden Sher from The Middle, filmed in 2014 and released in 2017.
The trailer shows one semi-shirtless boy, one boy girl kiss, and a lot of people walking in slow motion to demonstrate that they are now empowered, but no Girl of His Dreams.
Plot description: the nerd crew includes a musician, a scientist, a depressed loner, two science fiction fans, and a lesbian Girl Scout (30 years since Revenge of the Nerds, and LGBT people are still outcasts). Brock Yurich (top photo) is on the popular squad, but apparently switches sides.
3 points
4. Forbidden Empire: I thought this was a Chinese movie set during the Warring Kingdom era, but no, it's a Russian movie, based on a story by Nicolai Gogol: in the 18th century, cartographer Jonathan Green finds a small village that has built a moat to keep out the dangers of the world.
"From the classic immortal story comes a fantastic journey of mythological proportions." Didn't you ever read Strunk and White? Adjectives are not your friend. And "empire" might be a bit of an exaggeration for a small village.
Trailer: a half-naked woman at 21 seconds, another at 35 seconds, The GIrl at 1.17 minutes, and the kiss at 1.37 minutes, right after:
One point
5. Demon Squad: A local Alabama production: paranormal investigator Nick Moon finds himself thrust into a hidden world of monsters, artifacts with ultimate power, yada yada yada. I'll bet there's a girl.
Trailer: A guy dressed as a 1940s detective. A Femme Fatale at .10 seconds. Monsters, magic sword, more monsters, guy and girl fighting the monsters, but no kissing.
Plot Description: "A beautiful woman." Falling in love. Next!
Two points
6. Pork Pie: "A trio of young misfits in search of lost love learn about life." So they all have different lost loves, or is it the same one? And is this lost love a pie of any sort?
Trailer: Two cute guys, one white (Dean O'Gorman), the other Maori (James Rolleston), on a buddy-bonding road trip. through New Zealand. Pursued by the police. Buddy-bonding is ruined when they pick up a waitress -- close up shot of her butt as she climbs through the window into the car (she doesn't know how to work a door handle?). Dean sees the Girl of His Dreams at minute 1.21, James and the Waitress kiss at minute 2.01.
One point
7, Madame: Anne and Bob "have just moved to a manor house in romantic Paris." When they host a dinner party, they have more male than female guests, so to even things out, they recruit their maid to pretend to be an aristocrat. But she falls in love with a male guest and runs off, so they have to chase her. Why? She's an adult-- let her do what she wants.
In the icon, the maid looks like a drag queen, so I watch the trailer. Everyone dresses in 1930s costumes but it appears to be modern or almost modern Paris. The character is named Maria, obviously intended to be a woman. But is actor Rossy de Palma male, transgender, binary, or just a masculine woman? An internet search reveals that she uses "she/her" pronouns, but she gets written up in an article about the Mallorca Gay Men's Chorus, and another on "pretty dresses are no longer just for women."
So I'm stumped. It's really no one's business except for people who want to date her.
Two points.
8. Still Waiting: Apparently a sequel to Waiting, about the waiters in a restaurant called Shenaniganz. I didn't see the original because the reviews discussed its homophobia in detail. Maybe they've toned down the homophobia.
Trailer: A double take at a girl at second .01. Next!
One point.
9. Love the Coopers. A feature length version of Young Sheldon, about Big Bang Theory's resident weirdo as a child in East Texas?
I guess not; it's about a "chaotic family reunion", actually Christmas, that begins with arguments goes on to "a little denial and a few big lies," and ends with caring and sharing. Maybe there are some gay characters among the denial and lies.
Trailer: I definitely did not expect John Goodman and Diane Keaton as the parents. They argue, prepare dinner, argue. The denial is a dad and his toddler daughter. No wife in the scene: maybe he's gay? The big lies are about a young male-female couple arguing and granddaughter's fake boyfriend (Jake Lacey). Maybe she's a lesbian?
Plot Synopsis: No one is gay. The denials and lies are about 15 or 16 couples having marital problems, all of whom get reconciled at Christmas.
Well, how was I to know "denial" and "big lies" usually means that one of the sons is gay. Two points.
10. Ripped:I thought this was a movie about bodybuilders, but "ripped" also means getting high. Two buddies smoke top-secret CIA weed in 1986, and wake up 30 years ago, old, fat, and perplexed by things like cell phones. Wouldn't they also be devastated to discover that they've lost half of their lives? Maybe some buddy bonding.
Trailer: One of the guys winks at another guy at the urinal in the restroom, eliciting a homophoic response. They hit on a girl at minute 1.20, but there is no kissing.
No plot synopsis, but IMDB keywords include: female ejaculation, girl in panties, woman moaning in pleasure...yuck!
I don't care if I sat through the trailer, this is still getting No points.
Ten movies, with only one possibility, and it got terrible reviews. And Sunday's episode of Bob's Burgers still hasn't dropped on Vudu. This isn't my day.