Hunters: Everything Bad About the Summer of 1977, and Not Enough Beefcake

Sounds like a dour, gritty crime drama. But some of episode titles are tongue in cheek ("The Great Ole Nazi Cookout of '77"), and the episode synopsis are written in faux King James English: "In the beginning, a plague crossed the House of Heidelbaum...on the second day, God created the Hunters...a trail of signs did lead the Hunters unto the merchant's lair." 

So I'm thinking comedy-drama.  But 1977, the greatest year of the greatest decade of the 20th century!  "Dancing Queen,""Staying Alive," Jimmy Carter, Billy Crystal on Soap.  I'm definitely watching.

Scene 1: Biff (Dylan Baker), the under-secretary of state, is having a cookout and being a sexist jerk.  Suddenly one of the guests drops her plate and starts screaming that he is "The Butcher," who killed her entire family in the concentration camps.    So he shoots everyone, including his wife and kids.

Dumbest line:  "We survived!""You didn't survive, you marinated."

Scene 2: Jonah (Logan Lerman) and his two friends (one black, one fat) are leaving Star Wars and discussing tits, when he sees Carol, the Girl of His Dreams, making out with Dennis (Gordon Winerick), the homophobic, anti-Semitic jerk she's dating (at least he's hung). Dennis steals his stash of marijuana.  They fight.

Scene 3: Jonah goes home and gets coddled by his grandmother, Ruth/Safta.  He then goes to his room and masturbates while thinking of the Girl of His Dreams.   So far this is a mash-up of cliche upon cliche, and I'm pretty sure that Jonah is straight.

Scene 4: He awakens to Ruth being shot and killed by a mysterious intruder.  Is he going to become Spiderman?

Scene 5: In Washington DC, Evil Hunkoid (Greg Austin) is taking a bubble bath and listening to the sound track from Cabaret.  Feminine Liza Minnelli fan: must be a stereotypic gay villain.  He goes to Biff's house to clean up the mess.  "You can get away with anything in America," Biff says.  "Just blame it on a black man."

Scene 6: At Ruth's memorial service, Jonah is interrogated by Meyer, an old friend "from the camps" (Al Pacino, who starred in the Godfather movies in the 1970s, unrecognizably elderly).

He quotes the Talmud: Living well is the best revenge.  Except that's not from the Talmud, you idiot.

Wait -- Meyer didn't tell him about the Nazi Hunters?

Scene 7: Jonah goes home and snoops through Ruth's things (well, I guess he has to pack them up).  He finds a hidden drawer full of documents, photographs, and journal entries from the Warsaw Ghetto in 1941 (in English, apparently).  Ruth was a Nazi Hunter!

Scene 8: Cape Canaveral, Florida.  After the plumber fixes her shower, a naked old lady (bare butt, boobs, the works) goes in. I'm not kidding -- five minutes of her boobs and butt.  Gas comes out instead of water, and kills her. 

Scene 9:  FBI Headquarters.  Hard-driven female African-American agent Morris discusses the "floppy jalopy" of a Mafia informant with her sexist boss. She gets the Naked Old Lady case.  

Scene 10: Evil Hunkoid is in a bowling alley, where he terrorizes the attendant, makes a bowler eat a bowling ball, and threatens Senator Dick's children so he will change his vote.  

Scene 11: Jonah goes to see Meyer, who has a painting of a naked man in his study.  Maybe he's gay (I hope).  A flashback to a living chess game in Auschwitz, with the ladies all naked for some reason.

Scene 12: Snooping around, Jonah finds a hidden doorway, which leads to a room full of diagrams, maps and file cabinets.  Among other projects, Meyer is investigating Ruth's murder.  Jonah runs away with a photograph of the car belonging to the murderer.

Still no coming out as a Nazi Hunter, Meyer? 

Scene 13: Investigating Naked Lady's murder, Agent Morris gets cryptic clues: "Find the first, and you will find what you're looking for."

Yawn.  Jeremy Lanutti (left) plays Biff Junior, who splashes around in a pool and is shot in the first scene.  Could I watch a show with him in a starring role, instead?

Scene 14: Jonah finds the car outside a toy store. He attacks Richter, the elderly Nazi inside, but ends up zapped and tied up, and asked "Is it safe?" (Sorry, wrong movie). "Why was your grandmother looking for me?"  Jonah tries to escape, they fight, and Meyer comes to the rescue.

FINALLY Meyer reveals that he and Ruth were Nazi-hunters.

Scene 15: Agent Morris returns to Naked Lady's apartment and finds a photograph of her shaking hands with Adolph Hitler.  

Scene 16: Evil Hunkoid does his laundry.  Biff calls and says that he did such a good job, the Colonel wants to meet him. Dig the swastika tattoo

Scene 17: Meyer explains the origin of the Nazi Hunter organization, and introduces him to the very diverse gang: a nun, a Foxy Brown, an Asian guy, Carol Kane, a guy in a pink shirt (maybe he's gay?)  Stupid last line:  "Let's get to cooking those Nazi cunts."

Heterosexism:  Constant.  I lost track of the references to tits.

Gay Characters:  Probably just the Evil Hunkoid.

Beefcake:  Evil Hunkoid takes off his shirt.  Nobody else.  But if you're into old lady butt, you got it made.

1977 References:  Lots.  From Three's Company to Son of Sam to the Olympics, with a constant 1970s soundtrack.  But the 1970s was also fraught with racism, sexism, and homophobia (sort of like today).

Derivative:  Logan Lerman is no Dustin Hoffman. Or Steve Guttenberg.

Watch or Not?  Who needs 1977? I was already there.