The Worst TV Shows of All Time, #1-12

I just read a clickbait article about the 25 worst tv shows of all time, and it occurs to me that the writers probably didn't watch many episodes.  They're going by reputation, or by sheer plot synopsis.  Some of my childhood favories are on the list.

And they forget that sometimes we don't watch a tv show for a compelling, dynamic, intellectually stimulating plot.  The most horrible premises can be redeemed by a gay subtext or the lack of heterosexual interest.  Sometimes we want to just "veg out."  Sometimes we want something flickering in the background while we chat, read, or do homework.  And sometimes we just want to look at cute guys.

1. The Jerry Springer Show.  I assume that they are going in order from the worst.  Jerry Springer has often been heralded as a sign of the end of civilization, but at least it wasn't bear-baiting.

Ok, it was terribly exploitive:  "Your best friend is having sex with your wife and your mother and your teenage daughter, and he thinks you're a jerk, and here he is."  But there was something satisfying about watching rednecks assault each other.  Besides, some of them had physiques.  And Steve Wilkos, the guy in charge of separating the pairs -- sigh.

2. My Mother the Car.  One of the many "my secret" shows of the 1960s.  Is a car inhabited by the soul of your mother more farfetched than witches and genies?  Or warp drive?

Besides, Jerry Van Dyke was a lot cuter than his brother Dick.







3. Cop Rock.  Who wants to watch a mash-up of serious drama and songs?  Well, maybe opera-goers.  But there are worse ways of spending a half an hour than looking at Peter Onorati.











4. After MASH.  I hated MASH, the half-episode I saw of it, so of course I wasn't about to be watching the characters let loose in a stateside veteran's hospital.

5. The Flying Nun.  One of the "unconventional nun" programs of the 1960s.  My first view of Roman Catholicism that didn't paint it as evil incarnate.  And the nun thing made hetero-romance impossible, so she and the very cute Carlos (Alejandro Rey) could be "just friends."



6. Hello, Larry.  Another MASH veteran, but playing a different character, Larry has a phone-in psychology radio show in Portland, Oregon.  Another ten years and a few hundred miles to the north, and he could be Frasier Crane.  Except no gay brother, dad, or coworkers.  Larry is surrounded by women, except for John Femia of Square Pegs.  But surely he was enough to make the viewing a pleasure.





7. The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer.  Everybody thinks it's about a slave in President Lincoln's household, but actually it's about a free black man who flees from Britain to America to avoid his gambling debts.  Why America, of all the fugitive-slave-law-cockamamie ideas? And a gay-stereotyped Lincoln.

I'd like to know why Chi McBride took the job.  Let me guess: a job is a job.

8. The Chevy Chase Show.  As in "I'm Chevy Chase, and I'm better than you?"  Aren't talk show hosts supposed to be likeable?










9. Homeboys in Outer Space.  Americans don't do humorous sci-fi well, especially when the premise is that the two space explorers are black stereotypes.   But I am interested in seeing Flex Alexander flex.

10. Cavemen.  The cavemen from a series of Geico Insurance commercials, who protest the slogan "So easy, a caveman could do it."  Now they're an oppressed minority dealing with prejudice and discrimination in the modern world.  A one joke series, no gay people anywhere, and you can't see any physiques under all the makeup.



11. Killer Instinct.  Finally, one that is not a sitcom.  Dramas can be horrible, too, you know.  It was about cops investigating "deviant crime." After a lifetime of being called "deviant" for being gay, I was not interested in finding out what types of crimes those were.  But here they are: death by spider, a serial killer who targets sex offenders, Egyptian mythology-inspired murders, death by crossbow,









12. Woops.  The hilarious shenanigans of refugees from a nuclear holocaust.  They search for food, try to reproduce, elect a leader, celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas, and, later find a new teenage survivor to draw in the kiddie crowd (played by teen idol David Lascher).  It doesn't sound much different from The Last Man on Earth.