Wow, what year is it?
1. All of the progress that gay and lesbian people have made over the last 50 years has been wiped away in an instant; we're back to "the love that dare speak its name," a society where gay people absolutely, emphatically, undeniably do not exist.
2. All of the progress that women have made over the last 100 years has been wiped away, too: we're in the Cult of True Womanhood, with chaste, innocent, virtuous women wanting nothing else but marriage, reproduction, and endless days in kitchen packing school lunches and putting pot roasts into the oven.
3. Unfortunately for them, all men without exception want nothing to do with women but have sex with them. No marriage, no reproduction, no pot roasts, no lo-oo-ove. They think of women only as places to temporarily park your penis. But no women will let them inside her vagina until they promise lo-ooo-ove and marraige. What a conundrum!
Enter Lance (Noah Centineo, top photo), a college student who has the face of a Greek god, the body of a Schwarzenegger, and penis big enough to make porn stars self-conscious, but he still manages to have sex only 12 times a day because of just that problem. Imagine the frustration! He has all of the physical attributes that make all women everywhere swoon, but he can only talk 12 per day into letting him park his penis inside them. If only he didn't have to do so much talking -- complimenting, sweet-talking, lying about his attentions. If only he could just say "Hi, let's do it."
Lance commisserates over the unfairness of penis-parking with his two buddies:
2. Daniel (Nathan Gamble, the younger brother of "Dennis the Menace" Mason Gamble), who is short.
They are not nearly as successful even as Lnce, since they are less attractive and have much smaller penises. Why, they barely manage 6 times a day! Inhuman!
James is even less successful at finding places to park his penis than Lance and his buds, so he over-compensates by getting even smarter. He's a computer genius, plus he's heard of Jane Austen (a novelist that all women and no men read).
They're all in the same computer science class, taught by a shawl-wearing little-old-lady professor who looks like she should be lecturing about her experiences in World War II. But, being 130 years old, she's at least aware that men think about nothing but sex. When Lance comes to class late with a lame excuse, she realizes that he's been having oral sex with a girl.
Hey, wait --- could James invent an app for hookups? So a man could just swipe through the pics of women willing to open their vaginas without a wedding ring, and save a lot of time, maybe be able to park his penis more than a pitiable once an hour?
James is desperate for money -- he got into every Ivy League school, but couldn't afford the tuition -- so he agrees to create a Grindr for Straights called The Jungle. It takes off, he becomes famous, there are complications, yada yada yada -- I just fast forwarded to see if there was any beefcake.
In the last scene, James takes off his glasses a la Marion the Librarian and walks off into the sunset with the Girl of His Dreams.
Moral: Men should think of women as more than just places to park their penis.
And gay people do not exist.