How Many Boys Have You Loved Before?

If I tried to get every boy I had a crush on in high school into the same room, I'd have to rent a convention center.  Jocks, nerds, theater types, preacher's kids, teachers, coaches, my friends, my brother's friends, my brother's friends' dads, plus countless teen idols and beefcake actors.

So I figured that the new Netflix movie To All the Boys I've Loved Before (2019) would be a teen idol fest, with Tiger Beat fave raves lined up down the block and around the corner.

The gimmick: High school junior Lara Jean (Lana Condor) has been in the habit of writing letters to all of the boys she likes, sort of a way to work through her feelings.  Obviously the crushes must never see the letters, but Laura Jean gets them ready to mail anyway, putting them in envelopes with addresses and the proper postage.

One day the unthinkable happens: her little sister finds the letters and mails them.  The recipients think that Lara Jean is still crushing on them, and begin showing up, either to explain that they aren't interested, or to proclaim that they are.

Ok, that's unbelievably contrived.  Why would anyone do that, especially a teenage girl in 2018?  She might instagram, snapchat, blog, vlog, text, or even email, but she certainly would not write letters. And get them ready to mail if she didn't intend to send them.

But never mind.  Let's get to the endless line of fave raves.


1. Current crush Josh (Israel Boussard), who has just broken up with Lara Jean's older sister.  He's not interested.
















2. Former crush Peter (Noah Centineo).  Also not interested, but he agrees to fake-date Lara Jean in order to make Josh and Gen (his own ex-girlfriend and Laura's ex-best friend) jealous.

Then the movie becomes a standard rom-com, with the various plot complications leading to the inevitable conclusion of the fake relationship turning real, as Lara Jean and Peter fall in love.

I fast-forwarded through those scenes, waiting for the line of cute guys, humorous set pieces as nerds turn into hunks, hunks turn into nerds, one has become a Hare Krishna, one is now famous, and so on, a hundred scenarios before breakfast.

But there are only 3 more guys.



3. Lucas (Trezzo Mahoro, right), who has since come out as gay, and is now Laura Jean's bff and "Why don't you go after him, girl?" advisor.













4. Kenny from summer camp. (Edward Kewin).  Lara Jean has a flashback about him, ut he's moved, so he never gets his letter.











5. John Ambrose (Jordan Burchett), who Lara Jean met at the model U.N., shows up in the last scene to proclaim that he is interested.  He is actually the focus character of the sequel.


That's it.  A total of 5, not 20, or 200?     I feel completely cheated.

There aren't even very many non-crush cute guys in the cast.



1.Andrew Bachelor (right) as Peter
or Josh's sidekick, I don't know which. Does it matter?













John Corbett as Laura Jean's Dad, some kids playing young versions of Peter, Josh, and John Ambrose, and Dean Alonzo Hoover as "Student on Bus." And that's it.

The movie should be titled To the Two and a Half Boys I've Loved Before.