Plains, October 2017The problem with living in the Straight World is, there are so few open, out gay men over 30 around that you have to be friends with them even if you don't like them. And I can't stand Boyle.
He's in his 40s, tall, homely, with long gray hair, a skinny physique, and multiple rings, tattoos, and beads. He reeks of cologne, incense, and pot. He says "Namaste" instead of "Hello," and talks in platitudes like "Why be normal when you can be unique?"
We got off on the wrong foot when we met at a diversity event, with a Spanish chorus. I translated the lyrics for him. Turns out he spoke fluent Spanish and had worked in Mexico, Guatemala, Belize, Bolivia, Peru, and Chile.
It got worse.
Me: I go to Montreal as often as I can. Great museums, great restaurants, and the best bathhouse in the Western Hemisphere.
Boyle: What a coincidence! I go to Kangiqsujuaq in Nord-du-Quebec as often as I can. I'm a liaison with the regional government for tribal rights.
Ok....
Me: I'm going to Los Angeles for spring break. I'm invited to an Oscar party.
Boyle: I'll be spending spring break in Bangladesh, teaching tribal communities how to recycle plastic refuse into clothing and jewelry.
Ok....
Boyle: Thailand, really? What did you do there?
Me: Um...sightseeing and hookups...
Boyle: I worked with a nonprofit helping rescue victims of human trafficking.
Grr...there go, my heart's abhorrence, go, water your damned flowerpots, do!
Me: Um...I walked in the AIDS Walk.
Boyle: I worked with Richard Gere to place Tibetan refugee children with foster families.
I give up. Candidates for sainthood, this way, please.
Me: I'm...er...I'm dating a 20 year old.....
Boyle: I know! Isn't it annoying. The twinks just won't let up. Night after night, call after call. I mean, they're cute and all, but one of these nights I've just got to get some rest!
Me: Um...er...I have a big dick?
Aside from his regular job in Student Services and his humanitarian work in India, Bangladesh, Mongolia, Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, Vietnam, Borneo, and impoverished countries too numerous to mention, Boyle is writer, with two books of poetry that have won regional awards, and an artist, sewing things onto photos of dour-looking Brahmin and big-eyed refugee children. Last night he had an opening of several dozen of his horrible mixed-media work, and Bob, the 20-year old economics major who is thinking of switching to art, insisted that we go.
He fell instantly in love with the aging hippie: "He's so spiritually aware! A citizen of the world! I'll bet he's a vegan. Do you think he'd be up for sharing?"
No way! I wasn't going to let the hippie steal my boyfriend! I needed a distraction,
The full story, with nude photos and explicit sexual situations, is on Tales of West Hollywood.