San Diego, July 1989My ex-boyfriend Fred's boyfriend Matt was loud and proud, out to everybody and everything. "Hi, I'm gay, and I'd like to order a large pizza." "Hi, I'm gay. What time will the flight from Kansas City be arriving?"
Fred didn't care for gay pride events, but Matt dragged him to Christopher Street West in L.A. every year, and sometimes to the parades in San Francisco and San Diego too. "Mon chevalier blanc, it will be fabulous!" he promised. "And, as any queen knows, they come with nonstop cruising. Finding a Cute Young Thing to share my butt and our bed will make it all glorioski, n'est pas?"
In 1989 they went to the San Diego gay pride parade, and afterwards they went to a "hair cutting" exposition at the Eagle. One of the guys in the chair was a Cute Young Thing named Stewie (this was before Family Guy co-opted the name): early 20s, tall, slim, very tanned, with brown curly hair, a round open face, pinprick nipples, and an average-sized penis. Plus he came from a wealthy family and attended a private school, just like Matt. They immediately hit it off, and were so busy talking that they almost forgot to cruise.
They went back to Stewie's apartment, where [sex scene censored]
Lying in bed enfolded in each other's arms while Fred dozed, they shared coming out stories. Stewie had known since he was in high school, but he hadn't told anyone in his family: "Mom might be ok with it, but Dad's old school. He was in Hollywood in the 1940s, when being gay was the worst thing in the world."
"Has he been in anything I may have seen?" Matt asked. "I'm quite the movie buff -- the silver screen was my only escape from the dreariness of the Midwest. Let me guess -- your papa is Marlon Brando?"
Stewie smiled and began kissing Matt's chest. "He was in some jungle movies. I guess they were popular back in the day."
"Your papa was Tarzan, Lord of the Apes?"
"Close. He played Tarzan's son, a kid named Boy. I know, lame, right? No wonder he doesn't like to talk about his acting days. How would you like it if...old guys grabbed you at the Target...and said 'Can I have your autograph, Boy?""
Later Matt checked a movie reference book and discovered that Stewie's father was Johnny Sheffield, "Boy" in 8 Tarzan movies (1937-1946) and "Bomba" in 12 movies (1948-1956). He had never heard of him.
"Mon petit etalon, it makes no difference if your dear papa is Jerry Falwell -- you must come out to him. It is the only way to be free of the monsters of our childhood. And the sooner the better. How about tomorrow? Fred and I can come along for moral support."
"Tomorrow's not good," Stewie murmured. "Mom might be ok with it, but she's out of town. Dad's all by himself, and he'll kick me out of the house, seriously."
"You don't live in his house, so voila! Problem solved!" Matt exclaimed, pulling Stewie's head away and drawing him in for a kiss. "Tomorrow you and I will go to Papa and come out, ok?" He nudged Fred. "Réveillez-tu, mon etalon -- tomorrow we have a date with Tarzan!"
Stewie hesitated, but Matt could be very persistent, particularly when his aroused penis was in your face, so finally he agreed.
Fred had to get back to San Bernardino, but Stewie invited Matt to stay with him for a couple of days. In the morning he called his father and got an invitation to dinner that night.
Fortunately, Stewie lived in the heart of Hillcrest, San Diego's gay neighborhood, so while he was at work, Matt had a marvelous time wandering among the shops and boutiques and bars. He had lunch at a quaint little Japanese bistro, bought himself a new outfit, and worked out in the gay gym/bathhouse. Stewie got home at 6, with just enough time to shower, change clothes, and drive them to a Tudor-style house near Hilltop Park in the suburb of Chula Vista.
Stewie parked the car, honked, and waited for his Dad to restrain the dogs so they wouldn't get out. "I don't think I can do this," he said, literally trembling. "Can we just say that you're dating my ex-girlfriend?"
"Mais non!" Matt said. "Seize the day, mon petit etalon! I guarantee you that dear Papa Falwell will know before dessert!"
"All I can cook is steak and burgers on the grill -- put me in front of a range, and I'm all thumbs," he said, drawing a steak from its marinade and placing it on the grill with a smoky flourish. "I'll bet you're a great cook, Matt. In six months you'll have him fattened up into a blimp!"
"Well, I don't like to brag, but one bite of my Poulet Célestine and you'll be giving me the deed to the ancestral castle."
"Great, then give me a hand, won't you, and bring out the salad? The kitchen is through that door, then turn right."
"I'll show you the way!" Stewie exclaimed, not wanting to be alone with his dad.
When they returned, John said "I've been wondering when you would bring one of your friends around. Patty and I always thought they would be a great bunch of guys. So, Matt, are you and Stewie...um...."
Dad knows already! Matt thought "No, Monsieur Sheffield, we only met yesterday."
"Where did you meet" John asked. "There was a lot going on in San Diego, a lot of cultural events. Parades, festivals."
"At...um...church," Stewie exclaimed.
"I came down from West Hollywood especially for...um...church," Matt added, although he actually lived in San Bernardino. Come on, Stewie, your Dad knows. He wants you to say something!
"West Hollywood! Now there's a great town. So much to do for guys like you and Stewie to do. I'll bet you could go out every night for a month, and not go to the same place twice." He brought a steak to a plate. "Like it rare, I hope?"
"Still mooing, monsier papa. Bien sur, there is a lot of partying in West Hollywood, but eventually one longs to settle down with that one special man..."
"Or woman," Stewie added frantically. "Depending on who you...who you are, a man or a woman yourself..."
"And who you fall in love with," John added. "Let me tell you guys a story about me and Johnny Weissmuller, who played my Dad at RKO." [You can read the story here]
They finished dinner, watched an old movie, and left.
"Bien sur," Matt said dryly.
This isn't really a celebrity hookup story, so Matt never thought of telling it at a party. He and Stewie stayed friends -- I may even have met him -- but I never knew that his father was Johnny Sheffield, who filled so many of my adolescent fantasies.
It's probably for the best. Who wants to win "10 minutes alone in the bedroom" with someone at a party, and have him spend the whole time gushing "Your Dad was so hot!"
The full story, with nude photos and explicit sexual situations, is on Tales of West Hollywood.