It seems that all of the celebrity dating and hookup stories I'm getting lately took place in the 1960s or 1970s. They involve Andy Griffith, Bobby Driscoll, Jack Wild, Tony Dow, and Ricky Nelson. I wanted to hear about someone more contemporary.
But I haven't lived in Los Angeles for 20 years, and the friends I have left there haven't added any new celebrity hookup stories in forever. At the last West Hollywood party I attended, in 2011, they talked about Scott Baio and Sylvester Stallone.
Frankly, I'm getting a little sick of hearing about Scott Baio and Sylvester Stallone.
Among the top-earning male stars top male stars of 2017 are Chris Pratt, Mark Wahlberg, Kevin Hart, Vin Diesel, Chris Evans, Josh Gad, and Chris Hemsworth.
Surely a friend of a friend has been in Chris Evans' or Josh Gad's bed.
Among the top teen idols over age 18 are Cameron Boyce, Justin Bieber, Cameron Dallas, Aaron Carter, Nolan Gould, Hayes Grier, Shawn Mendes, Josh Hutcherson, Asa Butterfield, and Sean O'Donnell.
Surely there's a Cute Young Thing out there who has gone down on Shawn Mendes.So I took the bull by the horns: when I was back in California last week, I called the youngest guy I was still in touch with, Infinite Chazz, 17 years old when I met him in 1992. He's now 42, working for a social service agency in Hollywood.
"Dig up your twink friends," I told him. "Especially the ones with some kind of connection to show business. We're going to have an old-fashioned West Hollywood party, with prizes for whoever has the biggest penis, whoever can get aroused the fastest, and whoever tells the best celebrity hookup story."
"Well, I win every 'biggest penis' contest," Chazz said. "Where do you think I got the nickname Infinite? But I like the idea of a celebrity hookup story contest. My partner Jeremy is in the business, so he's sure to have a lot. And he has some other friends in the business, too."
So Infinite Chazz and Jeremy invited me to dinner, along with two of their twink friends, Dylan and Michael.
After dinner, I announced, "Each of you tell your best celebrity dating or hookup story. The most famous celebrity you've been with. Chazz will rate each story on a scale of 1 to 10. The highest score gets to go into the bedroom with anyone he wants for ten minutes."
I guess the most famous celebrity I've dated is Zachary Quinto, Spock on the new "Star Trek" reboot. We met in 2010, when I was working on "American Horror Story," and Zach was playing a gay ghost. We went out twice.
Zach was nice, but we just were too different to make it work. I'm the quiet, stay-at-home type, and he always has to be the life of the party. Besides, he really wasn't my type physically. I like guys with a little more male-model style handsomeness.
Jeremy looked at Chazz expectantly.
"Um...isn't Zachary Quinto out?" he asked.
"Yes, he came out in 2009, a year before we met."
"7.3," Chazz said. "Points off for a story about an out guy. The best celebrity hookup stories are always about guys who are in the closet. That's part of the thrill."
The other three stories, with nude photos and explicit sexual content, are on Tales of West Hollywood