My Top 10 Turn-Offs

You already know the characteristics that I find attractive:

1. Religious.  Minister, priest, rabbi, imam, Buddhist monk, seminary student, Mormon missionary...
2. Short.  Definitely under 5'8".  Under 5'5" is good.  Under 5'0", great (I went out with a Little Person on the Worst Date in West Hollywood History).
3. Dark.  Black, Asian, Hispanic, Mediterranean.
4. Mass.  Bodybuilder, man-mountain, husky, chubby.
5. Gifted beneath the belt.

Every guy I have ever dated has had at least two, usually three of the characteristics.  Once I found someone with all five, in South Africa.

But some characteristics are immediate turn-offs.  You may be a wonderful person who reads to the elderly and organizes AIDS fundraisers. You may be a world traveler fluent in ten languages.  You may be a short, dark, muscular, gifted-beneath-the-belt Mormon missionary. You're still going to get the "just friends" speech:

1. Elitist. I'm as educated as they come, but I still can't stand people who throw their book-learnin' in my face and look down on plebian amusements. "How can you watch television?  It's so mindless!" "Science fiction?  All that Buck Rogers stuff?"

Or who look down on the Midwest.  "Oh, you're from a dreary Ma and Pa Kettle state!  What did you do for fun, tractor pulls and cow tipping?"

2. Tall.  Who wants to hug a telephone poll? (Pictured: Boomer Goldblum, 6'4").

3. Thin. Who wants to hug a skeleton?

4. Outdoors Nut. The outdoors is not a place; it's something you travel through to get to places.  You don't eat there, or sit on benches there, or hang out there. Spending time outside for its own sake is just nutty.



5. A long, narrow face, like a Disney villain, or Ezra Miller (pictured; the extremely long-faced Adrian Brody).

6. Alcohol. Raised Nazarene, I can't stand the sight or smell of beer, wine, or liquor. If you drink a beer in the bar occasionally and use mouthwash afterwards, ok, but I won't have it in my house.

7. Jewelry.  I can't stand jewelry on a man, except maybe for dogtags or a pendant around his neck.  None of those plastic bracelets, and especially no rings.

8. Discussions of Female Beauty.  I know, it's possible to appreciate beauty in men and women, regardless of your sexual orientation, but after hearing "That woman is so hot!  There's not a man alive who wouldn't want to be with her!" constantly, hour after hour, day after day, I don't want to hear it from a guy I'm dating.


9. Sports Nut. There is nothing more boring than listening to who won what game with what strategy in some sports match.

10. Feminine Traits.  Politically, I'm a strong supporter of your right to be as butch, femme, or androgynous as you want to be. Work the room!  Sashay!  Say "Oh, Mary!" and "Puh-lease, girlfriend!" But it's not going to get me romantically interested.

But there are always exceptions.  Once I did end up going home with a tall, thin, long-faced, elitist, sport-nut drag queen.