Kept after school.
Spanked for having bad grades.
Told they need to do something special to pass the class.
Lots of kids fantasize about their teachers.
After all, who else do you spend a good deal of time just looking at them? Not your parents or friends -- you're interacting with them, or looking at something else. But teachers stand at the front of the room and talk. And talk. While you look.
If you're lucky, you'll catch a glimpse of their biceps or bulge.
If you're very lucky, you'll see them outside of class, maybe with their shirts off.
If you're very, very lucky, you'll get to do more than look.
Through high school, college, and grad school, I've had over 50 male teachers and professors. I "did more than look" with three of them, either at the time or years later.
Dr. Burton, the muscle bear who held end-of-the-semester handcuff parties at Augustana, doesn't count, since I knew him before I registered for his class.
That leaves Dr. Singer from Indiana University, who Viju and I competed over, and two more.
Can you guess the others:
1. Mr. Dennis (Math). Everyone thought he was my uncle, and I was surprised myself to find Dennises in the world that I wasn't related to. Black hair, sharp features, and big, expressive hands.
He wore a thin white shirt with no t-shirt, so in the right light you could see the contours of his body as he moved.
Years later, someone told me that he was a fixture at the Hawaiian Lounge, Rock Island's gay bar.
2. Mr. Milton (Greek Mythology). A total hippie, with fuzzy red hair and a red beard and a thin, compact frame. He wore a gold chain around his neck, and red chest hair poked up from his shirt that was unbuttoned two (not one) buttons down
3. Mr. Barker (Gym and Health). Short ruddy complexion, wrestler's build, gigantic biceps that strained against the fabric of his white polo shirts, and, when he walked, a bulge that visibly shifted.
4. Mr. Peterson (Science). Black hair, blue eyes, always smiling, always wore a white shirt and tie. He caught me and Dan drawing a satiric picture, and said "If you have so much free time on your hands, you can stay after school and help me wash test tubes."
Afterwards he bought us hamburgers. Best detention ever!
5. Mr. Manary (History). Young, hip, insisted that students call him by his first name, Tall, thin, clean-cut, tight-muscled. He was the one who made the most homophobic statement I ever heard, years later.
6. Dr. Banks (Spanish). Tall, blustering, bearded, he paced and bellowed as he quoted Cervantes from memory. Took us on an overnight field trip to Chicago to see a Spanish play.
7. Mr. Hart (Music). Slim, red-haired, horn-rimmed glasses, led the orchestra, kept hopping up and down, his Kielbasa+++ visible. He kept pushing me to excel in music, signing me up for contests and competitions.
He even gave me instruction in music theory in a pre-dawn "special class.
8. Dr. Morrow (Music Cultures of the World). The only black teacher I had to that point, very, very solid, muscular physique. I'm not usually into backsides, but whenever Dr. Morrow turned his back to the class, my interest was piqued.
I was the only white student in the class, so he may have gone out of his way to make me feel welcome. And he did! He invited me to a concert of Indonesian music in Iowa City.
9. Dr. Dahlquist (American Literature). A short, round, balding hobbit, rather stuffy and condescending. He's the one who I asked "Did Hemingway have homosexual tendencies?" His answer was a gem of homophobia and obfuscation. I used to sit in class, fantasizing about taking him down a few notches, starting with ripping his shirt off.
Indiana University
10. Dr. Kirtis (Russian Folklore). Hungarian. Coolest guy in the world. Invited the whole class over to his house for a pool party, where I saw him in a swimsuit cooking on a grill. He asked, "Jeff, can I serve you a Bratwurst?" I looked at his crotch and said "Sure!"
11. Dr. Berkan (Augustan Literature). Graduate of Harvard and Princeton, spoke in extremely precise English, always wore a suit with a bow tie and carried a briefcase. Corrected our papers in a precise pen, in red ink. Impossible to imagine him being intimate with anyone, or even taking his clothes off. That's what made him attractive.
University of Southern California
12. Dr. Yamato (Asian Literature). Kept talking about his two kids, and I kept thinking "He's had sex. He's been naked."
When I went to his office to talk about my paper, all I could think of was "He's had sex. He's been naked."
13. Dr. Cohen (Religion and Literature). Cute but annoying. Kept quoting Ray Charles. I don't know why.
Scared that we would find out that he was Jewish. I don't know why. But wasn't it obvious, Dr. Cohen?
14. Dr. Chester (Sociology of Sport), a former professional wrestler. I never took any of his classes, but I saw him in the hallway, and at department functions. One day I saw him in the bathroom,unwrapping his gigantic faculty member, easily a Kovbasa (see My Top 15 Sausage Sightings).
15. Dr. Philips (Social Conflict). British, with the sort of accent you can listen to for hours without paying attention to what he is actually saying. Rather oblivious to gay identity. When I brought Yuri to the department holiday party, he asked, "So, is this your brother?"
See also: Handcuffed by my professor; and Is Professor Singer gay?