Summer is here. I know, it's May 1st, technically still spring, but in academe summer begins the moment classes end and the students scatter.
It's my least favorite season of the year, hot, boring, and depressing. But I've managed to find solutions to the top 10 problems.
1. There's nothing to do during the daytime.
At least when I was a kid, there were summer enrichment classes, summer camps, Vacation Bible School, and the weekly visit of the bookmobile, but as an adult, it's sitting around the house for three months waiting for fall classes to begin.
Solution: Pursue a new hobby, like BDSM or hooking on Grinder.
2. There's nothing to do in the evening.
TV is all reruns, and the theater, opera, and ballet seasons are over.
Solution: Host a M4M party. Advertise on Craigslist, and invite 20 gay and bi-curious guys over. Nudity optional; prizes for the biggest and smallest endowments.
3. There is no night.
The sun doesn't go down until 9:00 pm. You're wandering around in a creepy, eerie twilight until 10:00.
Solution: spend 6 pm -10 pm in a bathhouse, where it's always dark.
4. You gain weight.
I always pace while teaching my classes, so I cover easily 5 miles a day. Without all that walking around, I gain weight.
Solution: Spend more time at the gym, particularly if it's a gay gym where you can do more than work out.
Come on, the outdoors are what you go through to get places. What's the fun in spending time there? Yet your friends get upset when you "waste" a day indoors, and drag you off for swimming, boating, canoeing, or just wandering about.
Solution: when you are forced to "enjoy the outdoors," insist that everyone take their shirts off. Concentrate on the muscles, and it will soon be over.
6. You're even forced to eat outside.
I've never understood the fun of eating on hard wooden benches, with the wind blowing napkins and paper plates around, and leaves and twigs and bugs falling all over the food.
Solution: Again, shirts off.
In the winter you can bundle up, but there's nothing you can do about getting drenched with sweat after walking half a block,
Solution: I had this problem all the time in Los Angeles and Florida. Hot weather means clothes off, so there lots of opportunities for guy-watching.
8. It's ungodly cold inside.
After getting drenched with sweat, you walk into a building in a tank top and shorts, and face an Artic wind -- air conditioners are blasting away, and it's 60 degrees!
Solution: Carry a warm sweater with you, and every time you walk into a building, put it on and pretend that it's December. This will help alleviate your summer depression, too.
Fall has Halloween and Thanksgiving, winter has Christmas and Valentine's Day, spring has Easter and St. Patrick's Day. What does summer have? In the U.S., Independence Day, the 4th of July, a holiday of jingoistic patriotism, noisy fireworks, and eating outside.
Solution: there are Gay Pride Festivals in hundreds of cities, mostly in June, some in July and August. Go to as many as you can.
10. There's no escape.
If you don't like Minnesota winters, for some crazy reason, you can fly south to balmy Los Angeles, Fort Lauderdale, or Phoenix. But there's no place cold in North America during the summertime -- even Fairbanks, Alaska can hit 80 degrees.
Solution: Only 88 more days until fall.
See also: Playing Outside.