My Top 15 Sausage Sightings

A Sausage Sighting is a glimpse of a guy's beneath-the-belt gifts that doesn't go anywhere else -- no dating, no romance, no hooking up, not even a few minutes in the dark room at the Duplex Bar in Paris.

Sometimes just looking is enough -- a good sausage sighting can be more memorable than a dozen nights of passion, especially when it's unexpected.

You can't count glimpses of strangers in the locker room or at the urinal, or actors getting excited during movie love scenes.  It's only a valid Sausage Sighting if you know the guy, if he's a relative, friend, co-worker, or acquaintance.
I'll use the same scale as in my Sausage List (the list of gigantic endowments belonging to guys I actually dated):

Bratwurst: memorable.
Kielbasa: super-sized.
Mortadella: the stuff of dreams.
Kovbasa: Are you kidding?

1. Verne, the preacher's son.  We  "dated" in eleventh grade. We didn't identify the relationship as romantic, and nothing physical happened, but I did see him nude. Bratwurst.





2. Mr. Kim, a Korean immigrant, a surprisingly buffed muscle bear.  When I was in college, he rented the the house next door with his family.  He only stayed about six months before buying a house in Moline, but he gave me a memorable Sausage Sighting.  Bratwurst.

3. Jens, a slim, blond chemistry major at Augustana.  During my senior year, I joined the Baptist student union, and went on tour with them to perform at various churches.  When we had to all bunk down for the night in the same room, I had the bed, and Jens had a sleeping bag right below me.  He waited until the rest of us were asleep -- he thought. Bratwurst.

4. Chad, a soccer player from Australia who sat in my class in Hell-fer-Sartain, Texas.  One day he came in late and stripped down to change clothes in my class. Ok, this one was in a jock strap, but I still saw enough. Bratwurst+

5. Brother Mike, a Baptist preacher who sat on the plane next to me on the way to a job interview.  Brother Mike was hot!  When our plane landed, we both headed to the bathroom -- along with 20 other guys.  We ended up standing side by side at the urinal.  Bratwurst+



6.Jon, the most homophobic of the grad students in my class at Stony Brook University. I haven't written that story yet.  Kielbasa.

7.Huang, a fellow sociology student, one of my roommates during my first year in New York.  In 1998, at a conference in Montreal, I caught him in the act, and learned the truth about the Formosan penis.  Kielbasa.

More after the break.













8. Cousin Joe.  When I was 7 1/2 years old, we stayed with my Aunt Nora for about two weeks, and I caught a glimpse of Cousin Joe's Kielbasa+ in the bathroom.  It was the first I ever saw -- so years later, when I started seeing a lot of them, many were disappointingly small by comparison.

9. Mark, the Boss from Hell during my senior year in high school and freshman year at Augustana.  We tricked him into running out of a urinal, where he had been reading Playboy and...you know.  Kielbasa+.
10. Brother Dino, my Sunday school teacher, and also a counselor at Nazarene summer camp when I was in junior high.  I saw him taking a shower.  Easily a Mortadella.



11. Jake, a contractor.  My parents were having their kitchen remodeled one summer while I was visiting.  From my chair in the living room, I got an excellent view of Jake's front side as he stood on his ladder, doing things with wiring.  Except he didn't realize that his zipper was down -- and he was not wearing underwear.  His Mortadella was fully visible for several minutes before he noticed and zipped up.

12. Narveen,a Sikh guy who joined Barney's gym in Florida.  I tried to get a glimpse on several occasions, and finally he just let me take a peek.  Amazing. Mortadella+.











13. Dr. Chester, a former professional wrestler who taught Sociology of Sports Upstate.  There was a private bathroom for faculty and teaching assistants -- one stall and one urinal.  One day I went in, and there he was, preparing to urinate.  He must have wrapped his faculty member around his waist a few times, like a belt. Easily a Kovbasa.

14.Thomas,  the Episcopal priest with three boyfriends who Fred and I stayed with in Des Moines during my sophomore year in college.  I stumbled upon him in a clinch with the 19-year old boyfriend.  He invited me to join in.  I was too skittish to take him up on it, but I still remember the sight of his gigantic Kovbasa+.



15. Richard,the crazy bodybuilder downstairs when I lived in Upstate New York.  My balcony consisted of rough boards with wide gaps; you could look through them directly onto the balcony of the apartment below.  And one night...  Kovbasa++++.

See also: My Sausage List