The 15 Biggest "Sausages" I've Ever "Cooked"

I am particularly attracted to guys who are gifted beneath the belt, but I've never rejected someone for having a Vienna Sausage. Small can be just as nice, and in many situations it does the job better.

Besides, by the time I get around to checking, the guy has already won me over with his winning smile, sparkling conversation, or body by Michelangelo.

But bigger has a definite aesthetic appeal.  And when you get together with friends and swap stories, like fisherman bragging about their biggest "catch",  it's never about Vienna Sausages. It's all about Polska Kielbasa:




"I dated a guy so big that he could fold it in half."

"That's nothing -- my ex-boyfriend was so big that he had to have an extra lining put into his pants all the way down to the knee."

"Back in the Village, I dated a guy who was so big that he could sit on the bed and use it to turn off the tv."

So here are the 15 biggest "sausages" I ever "cooked" (up to 2009).

Only guys I actually went on dates with -- no glimpses in the shower room or cruising at the sauna.

I'll use the following scale:
Bratwurst: a German sausage, memorable.
Kielbasa: a Polish sausage, super-sized.
Mortadella: an Italian sausage, the stuff of dreams.
Kovbasa: a Ukrainian sausage.  Are you kidding?

1. Matt, a 20-something security guard (left) We dated for a few months in Florida in 2002, until Troy the retiree stole him away.  Bratwurst

2. Alan, formerly a Pentecostal Porn Star, but when we met, he was Student Clergy at the Metropolitan Community Church.  We dated in 1985, just after I moved to West Hollywood. Bratwurst

3. Peter.  An undergraduate sociology major of Filipino ancestry, short and very slim.  My professor set us up, at Stony Brook in 2001.  We dated a few times.  Bratwurst




4. Joe, the roommate of Blake (see below), a "regular guy" who I dated for about a year. Bratwurst+

(I probably forgot some of the Bratwursts.)

5. Garan.  We met in San Sebastian in 1999, when Yuri and I went to the Basque Country of Spain in search of the world's biggest penis.  He actually asked Yuri for the date, and was surprised but accommodating when I showed up, too. Kielbasa

6. Ari, the linguist in Dayton in the fall of 2007, who was cute and everything, but wouldn't shut up. Kielbasa





11. Peter, the Orthodox priest with the pushy Mom.  We dated when I was a senior in college.  I hadn't been with many guys at the time, so I didn't realize how remarkable he was beneath the belt. Mortadella+



12. Farshad (left), from Morocco.  We met in France in 2007. Mortadella+

13. Carl,  the cowboy cop, who didn't approve of guys who believed in God. We dated briefly in Houston in 1984. Kovbasa







14. The Satyr, one of the The Gang of 12 from Upstate New York.  We had one date in the fall of 2008, and then I switched to his boytoy/roommate/boyfriend (who must have felt like a muppet). Kovbasa+

And the biggest of them:

15. Jermaine: a very short, very cute Harvard undergrad who I met in Boston in 2001.  He  had the annoying habit of asking "Who's your daddy?" every five seconds, and expecting me to answer "You are," even though I was substantially older. But he made up for it with his intellect, and with his Kovbasa+++++

See also: The Biggest and Smallest Penises in the World; and Yuri and I Search for the World's Biggest Penis (that one doesn't count, since there was no date involved).